Struggling with manic grandiosity

Sm412 said:

I spent several weeks fighting back against this impulse. I was successful, but I am still troubled at how powerful it was. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was so agitated. I moved away from God's will and desired to work for my own will. If anyone can relate or offer some perspective, that would be awesome. I definitely moved away from God for a minute there. My thinking was, why am I obligated to help others? Don't I deserve to serve myself? This goes against my core values. Self-serving breeds iniquity.

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First of all, don't kick yourself. You were manic, meaning your were fighting a biological impulse. It's like a diabetic trying to use meditation to lower his blood sugar!! The fact that you resisted says very good things about you. Kudos!

I can't tell you how many times I did very stupid things when I was manic. It's not necessarily that the "impulse" is strong, so much as that it simply feels so TRUE.

In your case, what felt true was that you were short changing yourself. As in the case of all subversions, there is some truth to this. Working in service to others always requires self sacrifice.

It sounds like you are an iNtuitive Feeler -- someone with a lot of empathy naturally given to helping others. Your present job is more than a job for you, it is your vocation, your calling. You get out of it more than money; you get a sense of purpose.

When we get stressed out, with anxiety, obsessions, mania, etc., we tend to go to the opposite of what we normally are, and we do it very badly. So you went into Sensing Thinker mode, which really is good at financial stuff. But of course it really would have been a disaster, because the mood would have lifted, and you would have been stuck with something that ultimately repulsed you. To be honest, you probably wouldn't have made it through the schooling before you came back down to reality.

Sm412 said:

I'm driving myself and my family crazy. Recently, in an effort to treat my bipolar depression, doc tried my on Lamictal. Boy did it help with the depression. It activated me into a perpetual mania. We tried to control said mania, but nothing worked. Doc took me off lamictal and upped my anti-manic meds. I came down to equilibrium. The anti-manics are sedating, but it sure beats crawling out of my skin from mania.

When I'm manic, I suffer from very powerful grandiosity, goal directed behavior, and impulsivity. I'll often abruptly quit jobs or switch college majors, I'll drink and do drugs, and I'll change my living situation. I am currently working a job in the mental health field that I absolutely LOVE. My goal is to become a peer support specialist and I am very excited. I have a tremendous amount of passion and talent in what I do; I communicate well, I empathize, and I have compassion.

I had this grandiose vision that I was going to finish my accounting degree (my college major once upon a time) and move to Manhattan to work in the financial sector. I certainly have the ability to do this if I want to. But the thing is, deep down I don't want to. I enjoy helping others. I love what I do now. The money would be nice, but I have a very low opinion of corporate America and wouldn't be fulfilled working for them. It would be a self-serving venture designed to fulfill wordly desires of wealth and status.

I spent several weeks fighting back against this impulse. I was successful, but I am still troubled at how powerful it was. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was so agitated. I moved away from God's will and desired to work for my own will. If anyone can relate or offer some perspective, that would be awesome. I definitely moved away from God for a minute there. My thinking was, why am I obligated to help others? Don't I deserve to serve myself? This goes against my core values. Self-serving breeds iniquity.

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Yes i relate to a lot of what you are describing here. Your bi-polar highs are still driven by the flesh and not by God's loving truth. It seems clear to me that as a manic person you haven't been touched by Jesus yet, and you still long after success and high living, as the flesh does.

Not that i stand in judgement on you, i have done this to the extreme as well, where instead of success everything fell to bits, because mania turned to psychosis and destroyed everything i had build in just one massive episode of madness. Completely unexpected! Where instead of more status, the respect of others, and promotion, i got myself to blame for stuffing it all up in a big way and loosing it all.

Years of deepest depression followed that event. No manic times at all, and i always loved the high times of my manic cycle. It was all taken form me, for i had followed the arrogant and lawless in my own spirit being selfish and worldly in my pursuits and not godly.

Jesus did come to rescue in the end and showed me the lawless ways i had followed and had me repenting from it. Oh the difference serving Jesus with a humble heart when manic, over against serving the flesh with my big I. Unbelievable.

With Jesus my manic times brought me much deeper joy and love for and in Jesus, and,over the years that followed, an ability to stay grounded in His love rather than running away with my gone crazy senses. Sure i have danced and gloried in Jesus and rejoiced in my relationship with Him like i have never been able to do before while manic. A moment with Him, in His glory, is worth much more than ten thousand days living as a prince down here. Even my manic times serve Him.

Strange how that goes. i had to learn to serve the Lord in all my divided self. To have every mood ruling my life guided by His loving truth sure grounded me like nothing ever has been able to do before, and brought His peace and rest in my ever cycling inner reality.

So honest brother you can be delivered from your sinful outbursts while manic. If you humble yourself while manic, fight any prideful or arrogant spirit with God's graceful love over you, and give your hopes and dreams in exchange for life with Him, and let Him teach what His loving truth can do in a manic heart and life.

Peace.

Pondering Sweetly.

i'm pondering sweetly, reflecting God's graceful love,
Awakened by the voice of Father's loving grace,
Christ's caring truth seeking, deeper communion pleading,
Consoling love lifting my spirit before God's face.

i'm pondering sweetly, reflecting God's loving truth,
Jesus' love redeems my spirit from earthbound plights.
Where upon the peaks of the highest mountain summit,
The finger of God, in my heart His commandment writes.

i'm pondering sweetly, reflecting God's caring way,
Watching His holy seed of loving truth germinate.
Fields of Heavenly harvest ripening in the sun,
Cherubic thoughts, angels in the sky to celebrate.

i'm pondering sweetly, reflecting God's awesome might,
Seeing - I AM – our Heavenly Father - everywhere,
As i can not locate any place where He is not,
And most astonishingly - i'm also present here!

Manic outbursts are not sin primarily. They are chemical responses in a mind with a disorder. Please do not conflate spiritual issues with mental ones. It does NOT help people who suffer.

I understand grandiosity. It's something that has to be addressed with a competent therapist, preferably one who is walking with the Lord. It's important that you have a godly counselor, not only because of the instruction of the Psalms and Proverbs, but because if you have an ungodly therapist, you're going to receive counsel that will conflict with God's word, and you will just end up tormented and confused.

Total honesty with yourself, with your journal, and with a competent, godly therapist will help in calming these grandiose thoughts down. Gradually you will come to see that these thoughts are part of your mind, and not grounded in reality. I can speak as someone who has very grandiose thoughts. I am going to therapy for them and the way I can tell they are not from God is because they involve the neglect of basic human responsibility and keep me focused on a future that may never materialize, so that I constantly neglect the needs of the present. This is not what God wants from us.

I actually had maniac grandiosity when I was a teenager and I thought I was somebody I was not. But since I have put my faith and trust in Jesus my thought processes have gone back to being calm and rational. Now I have peace.