Discussing something difficult

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I have returned to Christ a couple of years ago after about a decade of being an atheist. At about the same time I got my first decent job (in sys-admin).

A few months ago I struck up a friendship with a Christian woman who works in the cafeteria at the same place I do. We often talk in my office when she delivers my lunch.

Well, last week when we were talking she would bend over in a manner of I could see her whole top. Of course I lusted after her.

This is not the kind of sin I would have committed as an atheist when I gave not a whit about sinning. I was a inappropriate content addict back then which distracted me from IRL women. With His Grace and the intercession of the Saints I have rejected that filth, but now it seems I have moved spiritually from the frying pan to the fire. Prayer and listening to the Gregorian Chant which have been so helpful in my overcoming inappropriate content have been useless so far.

I talked to an elder at my Church and he said that cowardice not lust is my real sin and that I knew what I must do. Yes, I must tell her about it.

She is not doing this on purpose. She is a Christian and would not be immodest on purpose. (She never actually dresses in even a vaguely provocative way. ) In addition, nothing would disgust a woman more than me having those kind of thoughts about her. As a Christian she would be grateful even if embarrassed that I brought this to her attention, but her visceral reaction as a woman would be EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW! THE CREEPER IS OGLING ME! FIRE HIM TODAY AND CASTRATE HIM TOMORROW! #METOO! She could easily get me fired and most likely ruin my career. That is why I am scared. Is there a good way I could broach this subject without triggering her primal disgust response?
 

Darkhorse

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A few months ago I struck up a friendship with a Christian woman who works in the cafeteria at the same place I do. We often talk in my office when she delivers my lunch.

Well, last week when we were talking she would bend over in a manner of I could see her whole top. Of course I lusted after her.

She could easily get me fired and most likely ruin my career. That is why I am scared. Is there a good way I could broach this subject without triggering her primal disgust response?

"Of course"? Don't bring this up to her. The problem is within you.

You need to pray for a clean heart and separation from inappropriate contentographic values. Like Psalm 51.

Also, find somewhere else to look when she leans over, but don't make it obvious.

There is nothing wrong with admiring her anatomy, but your unclean past is leading you astray.
 
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Unofficial Reverand Alex

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This is going to require a lot of trust in God! Be very prayerful. Keep a crucifix in your pocket, to hold onto while you talk with her. Put all your effort into trusting, and holding onto the image of God's mercy will bring forth courage & trust.

As for broaching the subject, I'd recommend gradually but steadily getting to it; perhaps you could start with the 7 deadly sins, then lust, then start to say that you struggle with lust. Pray, and the Spirit will help her see you with compassion. If she's talking to you on a spiritual level already, she's going to expect that you have sins you struggle with, and if you bring up your lust gradually, she'll probably respond with compassion & actually try to help. You might not even get to the part where you mention having lust towards her; just saying you have lust in general will likely trigger a good conversation.

And I know you mentioned that Gregorian chants don't seem to help, but the Chaplet of St. Michael the Archangel is something I've recommended to people in similarly difficult spiritual situations, with great results. Please give it a try; God sees your effort in trying to rid yourself of impurities, and He's sent Michael the Archangel to fight for us all throughout the Bible; invite him to fight for you now! (If the link doesn't work, look up St. Michael Chaplet on YouTube).


May God bless us all!
 
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Sketcher

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In other words: How to tell her that she was showing too much when she bent over without triggering an HR complaint.

Given the highly unpredictable nature of how women will react to this even when you don't do or say anything wrong, I cannot recommend telling her or anyone else at the office about it. Sexual harassment is about whether the other person feels harassed, not about what you intend. And it will get you fired if she decides to report it.

Honestly, there's nothing to do here besides check yourself. I can't tell you how to reliably not lust, if I did, I'd tell you. But how she moves around when doing her job in order to do her job is not your problem.
 
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Monk Brendan

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I have returned to Christ a couple of years ago after about a decade of being an atheist. At about the same time I got my first decent job (in sys-admin).

A few months ago I struck up a friendship with a Christian woman who works in the cafeteria at the same place I do. We often talk in my office when she delivers my lunch.

Well, last week when we were talking she would bend over in a manner of I could see her whole top. Of course I lusted after her.

This is not the kind of sin I would have committed as an atheist when I gave not a whit about sinning. I was a inappropriate content addict back then which distracted me from IRL women. With His Grace and the intercession of the Saints I have rejected that filth, but now it seems I have moved spiritually from the frying pan to the fire. Prayer and listening to the Gregorian Chant which have been so helpful in my overcoming inappropriate content have been useless so far.

I talked to an elder at my Church and he said that cowardice not lust is my real sin and that I knew what I must do. Yes, I must tell her about it.

She is not doing this on purpose. She is a Christian and would not be immodest on purpose. (She never actually dresses in even a vaguely provocative way. ) In addition, nothing would disgust a woman more than me having those kind of thoughts about her. As a Christian she would be grateful even if embarrassed that I brought this to her attention, but her visceral reaction as a woman would be EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW! THE CREEPER IS OGLING ME! FIRE HIM TODAY AND CASTRATE HIM TOMORROW! #METOO! She could easily get me fired and most likely ruin my career. That is why I am scared. Is there a good way I could broach this subject without triggering her primal disgust response?
Have you discussed these matters with your confessor?

And there is no point in telling other people, including your female colleague, things that they don't need to know.
 
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S.O.J.I.A.

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DO NOT say anything to this woman about it!! I repeat, say NOTHING! it is not necessary nor prudent to inform a woman about something like this.

you're conscience has been switched on and now you take notice when you have the sinful thoughts about women that you had in the past. this is normal. continue to pray and fight.

...and try to find a spiritual mentor who isn't going to tell you to do something silly.
 
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Unofficial Reverand Alex

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You're already getting wildely different responses from people, an more are sure to come. Find peace in prayer; meditate on Christ's Passion, remembering that we have a God who understands difficult situations. Find peace in prayer, be patient, and God will guide you to the answer. Perhaps what He leads you to will not work in 1,000 other cases, but God understands everything about yours; trust! And keep praying for her, too; offer up your lust to the Crucifix as prayers for this woman. Flip the devil on his head!

May God's peace be with us all!
 
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Knee V

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I also disagree with your elder. I would just avert your gaze in the moment, and carry on with the conversation after she straightens herself back up. I see no need to make a big fuss about it. "Cowardice" doesn't factor in here.
 
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You're already getting wildely different responses from people, an more are sure to come. Find peace in prayer; meditate on Christ's Passion, remembering that we have a God who understands difficult situations. Find peace in prayer, be patient, and God will guide you to the answer. Perhaps what He leads you to will not work in 1,000 other cases, but God understands everything about yours; trust! And keep praying for her, too; offer up your lust to the Crucifix as prayers for this woman. Flip the devil on his head!

May God's peace be with us all!

Yes I have done this. I have prayed that He shows her the blind spot that has been such a stumbling block to her brother in Christ.
 
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Lost4words

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Its nothing to do with her if you cant keep your eyes off of her. Why the need to tell her? Just dont look at her like you have been doing. Stay strong. Keep your eyes fixed elsewhere.
 
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"Of course"? Don't bring this up to her. The problem is within you.

You need to pray for a clean heart and separation from inappropriate contentographic values. Like Psalm 51.

Also, find somewhere else to look when she leans over, but don't make it obvious.

There is nothing wrong with admiring her anatomy, but your unclean past is leading you astray.

Yes, you're right. I ate in the cafeteria today and not in my office. She did talk to me for a few minutes but nothing happened like last week. With His Grace I will probably stop thinking about making babies with her.
 
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Its nothing to do with her if you cant keep your eyes off of her. Why the need to tell her? Just dont look at her like you have been doing. Stay strong. Keep your eyes fixed elsewhere.

Yes you are right. This is all about me. I could probably avoid her in the future.
 
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I also disagree with your elder. I would just avert your gaze in the moment, and carry on with the conversation after she straightens herself back up. I see no need to make a big fuss about it. "Cowardice" doesn't factor in here.

Well, the context of the discussion was when I brought this up I suggested that I might become a monk in order to escape that sort of temptation. He replied there were already too many cowards in monasteries hiding from the world and that was truly my besetting sin.
 
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Once again thank you all for your responses. This is nobody's sin but my own. With His Grace these these thoughts will be banished from my mind.

It was I who opened the door to temptation by talking to a single woman beyond polite formalities. And I have to admit part of me wanted to go down that road. Hopefully in the future I will not stumble in that manner again.
 
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Sketcher

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It was I who opened the door to temptation by talking to a single woman beyond polite formalities. And I have to admit part of me wanted to go down that road. Hopefully in the future I will not stumble in that manner again.
If you're single and she's single, that in and of itself is not a problem. Otherwise, no one would get married. What you need to handle is how you think of her.
 
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If you're single and she's single, that in and of itself is not a problem. Otherwise, no one would get married. What you need to handle is how you think of her.

Since I am never getting married, it is a problem for me. I over-estimated my ability to be 'just friends.'
 
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Sketcher

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Since I am never getting married, it is a problem for me. I over-estimated my ability to be 'just friends.'
Why do you say you are never getting married? In the majority of cases for never-married people, marraige is a very legitimate option. If it is for you, then you are being way too hard on yourself. And being too hard on yourself will make a lust problem worse. It's bad enough already.
 
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Andrew77

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I have returned to Christ a couple of years ago after about a decade of being an atheist. At about the same time I got my first decent job (in sys-admin).

A few months ago I struck up a friendship with a Christian woman who works in the cafeteria at the same place I do. We often talk in my office when she delivers my lunch.

Well, last week when we were talking she would bend over in a manner of I could see her whole top. Of course I lusted after her.

This is not the kind of sin I would have committed as an atheist when I gave not a whit about sinning. I was a inappropriate content addict back then which distracted me from IRL women. With His Grace and the intercession of the Saints I have rejected that filth, but now it seems I have moved spiritually from the frying pan to the fire. Prayer and listening to the Gregorian Chant which have been so helpful in my overcoming inappropriate content have been useless so far.

I talked to an elder at my Church and he said that cowardice not lust is my real sin and that I knew what I must do. Yes, I must tell her about it.

She is not doing this on purpose. She is a Christian and would not be immodest on purpose. (She never actually dresses in even a vaguely provocative way. ) In addition, nothing would disgust a woman more than me having those kind of thoughts about her. As a Christian she would be grateful even if embarrassed that I brought this to her attention, but her visceral reaction as a woman would be EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW! THE CREEPER IS OGLING ME! FIRE HIM TODAY AND CASTRATE HIM TOMORROW! #METOO! She could easily get me fired and most likely ruin my career. That is why I am scared. Is there a good way I could broach this subject without triggering her primal disgust response?

Listen to me very carefully..... DO NOT TALK TO THE WOMAN ABOUT THIS.

Everything that you are worried about, that she will think you are disgusting and a creep, and how it will make your relationship crazy... is dead on right.

Do not tell her you were attracted to her, because you could see her shirt once.

This is absolute, objective idiotic stupidity that Churches are teaching. You do not do this.

How terrible it is for men to do this. You are going to make her feel terrible about you, and make her feel terrible about herself, and you are going to ruin this nice relationship you have with a friendly person.

DO NOT DO THIS. Are you hearing me? DO NOT DO THIS to this poor woman. She did nothing wrong. You happen to see something, and it caused a hormonal reaction. That's it. GET OVER IT. This is something you are called to do. Thank G-d for the beauty in the world, and MOVE ON.

I get it... you are in a western culture, and woman have their puppies hanging out all over the place. Are you really going to tell every single woman that you meet in life "I lusted after your sweater puppies!"? Really? Until you are tossed in jail for being a creeper?

Control your mind, brother. Tell G-d straight up "I love women's bodies", but don't do anything evil, and don't think evil. G-d can handle it.

But you don't go and ruin some girl over your stupid hormones.
 
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Andrew77

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Since I am never getting married, it is a problem for me. I over-estimated my ability to be 'just friends.'

I'm 41 and never had a girlfriend. I've had girls that were friends, but never anyone I was romantically interested in.

If that is what you intend to do, then do it. I would advise you that very few men are capable of doing what I have done.

Just a fact. For example, I have had happen, exactly what happened to you. It never caused me to have a problem. I wasn't having a mental melt down because of it, or going and praying that I sinned.

All I did was.... 'This isn't my wife... moving on.' And I moved on. That's it.

If you can do that, then maybe single life is a good option for you.

But if you see a chick, and you are having this mental break down "I want me some of that" in your mind.... dude you need a wife.

Listen the Bible has only one solution for your G-d given sex drive.... and it is not "go tell the girl you were checking out her melons". that's not it. Your church is crazy.

The only solution in the Bible for your G-d given sex drive is...... get married. That's the solution.

"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
1 Corinthians 7:9

It's pretty clear. It's not a difficult verse, and you don't need a dictionary to look up words.

If you have a big sex drive, and you are attracted to members of the opposite sex.... Get married, rather than burn with passion.
 
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