Doubting Religion & God

Praying for you

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

Click to expand...

***
1 Peter 5:8-9

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

These "ill" feelings you're having are from satan. He just loves to beat up on people telling them all kinds of lies about God. ie You're a sinner, God doesn't love you, you're not good enough ... yada yada yada.

Focus on the positive and not the negative. Thank the Lord for the things you do have, praise him for them.

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 27:4
4 One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 34:8
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Proverbs 17:17

17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

John 15:13
13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:31
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 15:13
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 Corinthians 13:12
12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Lamentations 3:22-23
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

1 Corinthians 16:13
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

Philippians 3:7-9
7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Ephesians 3:17-21
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

1 John 3:22
22 and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.

1 John 3:1-3
1 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2 Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 3 All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure.

Hebrews 10:19-23
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

1 Peter 2:9-11
9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 11 Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.

James 1:2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Romans 1:17
17 For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”

Deuteronomy 31:6
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Psalm 23:1
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

Joshua 1:7
7 “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

1 Corinthians 15:58
58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Hebrews 12:1-2
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Features

God Bless.

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

Click to expand...

I can relate to everything you've had to say. At some point or another I have held every thought you have told us. Especially about things like this:

"God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?"

While I am certain that we should involve God in every aspect of our lives, sometimes I think we should put forth some effort on our own to solve the trivial things. Those kind of things remind me of one of my favorite bible stories. Please bear with me:

2Ki 6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria; and indeed they besieged it until a donkey’s head was sold for eighty shekels of silver, and one-fourth of a kab of dove droppings for five shekels of silver.

2Ki 6:26 Then, as the king of Israel was passing by on the wall, a woman cried out to him, saying, “Help, my lord, O king!”

2Ki 6:27 And he said, “If the LORD does not help you, where can I find help for you? From the threshing floor or from the winepress?”

2Ki 6:28 Then the king said to her, “What is troubling you?” And she answered, “This woman said to me, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.’

2Ki 6:29 “So we boiled my son, and ate him. And I said to her on the next day, ‘Give your son, that we may eat him’; but she has hidden her son.”

Whenever I feel like things aren't going my way, I think about that story. It makes the troubles in my life seem insignificant. I think we can confidently say that no one visiting this forum has ever been through anything as horrifying as that. But it was thousands of years ago, and faith in God still remains. Faith in God will remain long after my problems go away. I may as well keep my faith too.

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

Click to expand...

First off, welcome to CF! I can see that you're in the middle of a swamp of questioning, and that's ok. Everyone finds themselves in some mode of emotional complexity when having to try to juggle something like the Christian faith that, when it's boiled down on a human level, can't be simply slapped on the table and brought under a microscope.

Secondly, because this is the 'introduction' section and not really a place to get into the myriad bits of the nitty-gritty you're needing to swim through (in this swamp), you might have this thread moved over to the Struggling Non-Christian thread section or the Exploring Christianity section.

Lastly, I'll just give you a bit of friendly advice: try to relax, since we're all in for a long ride and a long-haul in this journey of life, and like explorers of old, you're on the cusp edge of entering into a much larger thought space. OR, you can just pack your bags and run away, a decision which would probably be foolish in the long run, as well as ultimately unproductive and maybe destructive of your effort to wrestle with this "Christianity thing." So, get your walking staff, your backpack, your boots, and strap yourself down for the journey. Because, that's what this Christianity thing really is, despite what some (even well-meaning?) folks will tell you.

Again, welcome to CF!

2PhiloVoid

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

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I identify with much of what you say there. My life, particularly as a teen and in my early 20's was "trying to figure it out". Mostly, for me, was both the intellectual and internal concept that I only needed to understand something I had not yet gotten, in order to have "Christian Victory" and obedience. There came for me finally the need to reboot, so to speak. I stripped my belief of all that was unnecessary (or so I intended to do). I did indeed, because he exists within me, and I am unable to deny that, believe that God exists, and even that the Bible is God's own truth (though that does not mean for me quite what it does for many others).

This may sound laughable to you, but you really are no worse than anyone else. Not only that, but your obsessions come nowhere near to the intensity of the facts. You will never measure up, if that is your goal. You will never plumb the depths of the horror that sin is. In fact, for any of us, we don't even understand the reach of sin within us.

My confidence and happiness at this point is in simple belief that this, both the will to do and the ability to accomplish, are all in God's hand --not mine. I see now that I can not, nor did he ever intend me to, do all I am required to do as though I can earn his favor by "doing my part", as though he needs me to do that in order for him to do his part. No, I am required to do it, yes, but he is doing that in me. Yes, it is distressing, but much more --it is satisfying, because HE is doing it in me. HE gets all the credit.

One more thing I am still high on --The Judge of all the world will do what is right. He is not blind, but he is exactly and thoroughly just. If not, there was no reason for him to create to begin with. What you do wrong you will pay for, if Christ did not. And Christ's payment is applied to you by God --not by you.

God is complicated and even when He makes it's simple. It's something we all do and it's not only you who has these kind of thoughts and emotions. For example the will of God was clarified by the Father-Son relationship for us to better understand Him. That His words weren't empty promises or hostile threats, His actions weren't intended with harm and death. Jesus dying on the cross was to show us the mercy of God, not the gruesome sacrifice for it's own sake. But the suffering he went through was necessary else the point would been lost to us. Everything God has spoke or done has meaning and purpose.

Another example isn't only how our sins are wrong being opposed to God, but the affect and effects it has on us and others. Jesus forgave sin and freed people from it who were repentant, they were humble and intended no harm. But also he revealed the ugly truth of sin in those who were unrepentant and arrogantly opposed him because of said truth; they continued to have ugliness and selfishness when it came to God, knowing better and not listening condemned only themselves but those they judged. The will of men is of the flesh and deceitful because of our self-centered perspective, while the spirit and the truth of the Father are selfless not hindered by earthly desires.

So God's will is best understood as an universal truth but not absolute when considering the spirit, like the Sabbath was made for man but not man for it. Even on the Sabbath the Lord's work doesn't cease because it fulfills the whole meaning of His will and not partially. The point of the Sabbath was for man to remember Him and to rest. For a purpose God didn't create the world in one day, nor did man build Rome in a day; He lowers Himself to our level for understanding and letting us know it's okay not being perfect. All He asks is for us to seek Him as called with humility and patience, yes it's through knowledge we come to know Him; yet understanding Him is waiting in mystery as needed for both ourselves and others.

I can't say for sure that you're a Christian, because even in the midst of troubling times I don't think any serious believer would say, "I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross...this doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination." I've had my battle with doubting thoughts, but never to this extent and to this level. Christians forever treasure this truth, even in hard times.

I don't have any advice but for you to continue to look toward Jesus, persisting and wrestling with him in prayer all night to receive a blessing. He said that if you search, you will find; if you knock, the door will be open; if you ask, it will be given. So, don't stop, but press on to know him, to see him, to understand what is going on. I will be praying for you, and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like part of your issue is that you want everything right now (which is certainly understandable!) but a spiritual journey is just that...a journey. It's a process that you will be on for your entire life, and sometimes there are very extreme ups and/or downs as you go along.

Also, many Christians seem to have the idea of getting into heaven (or avoiding hell) as the goal, but I don't personally view it that way. For me, it is about building a relationship with a wonderful, awesome God who loves me, and just like with human relationships, growing such a relationship takes time. God is not out to get us. He's not looking to yank the rug out from under us the moment we forget to say the blessing before a meal. He *wants* a relationship with us and he is infinitely patient and will attempt to reach us over and over and over until the very end (and who knows, but maybe even longer than that!)

What might help you in your journey is taking a more mindful, in the moment, in the here and now approach, and starting where you are right now. Reading books by Thich Naht Hanh, a Buddhist monk, could be very helpful on this topic.

God loves you as you are right now, in this very moment, and he will work with you, and be there in your struggles. As Jesus, he knows what it is like to be human, so even God who typically doesn't have all of these human issues that we do, he *understands* them and he understands us, even at our most faulty and broken states.

We may ask why should God care about our finite little speck of a self? Well, look at how we are with our beloved pets or other animals. They may have no understanding at all for why we love them, and when they make lots of messes and poop all over the furniture, they may have given us no reason to love them, but we do! We just do! We love them because they are special to us. Think of how much more love a God who *created* us would love us, even during those many times we poop all over the furniture.

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

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Life is all about making the right choice. Good and evil, blessing or curse, sickness or health, poverty or prosperity, victory or defeat. It all comes down to love God, love our neighbor and love our-self. IF we did not have this choice then we would be just like the animals. If we were deterministic like the animal that simply respond then you could blame everything on God. As it is we can only blame our-self if we decide not to walk in love for God, Neighbor or Self.

The law of attraction people say we have to be very careful with negatives. Not wanting something can cause us to receive what we do not want. We need to be positive and seek after positive things. My wife works in assisted living. When the old people wake up sometimes they are negative, grumbling and complaining. It is her job to get them into a positive mood and a positive state of mind. Still it is their choice if they want to be positive or negative and no one can make that choice for us. Each individual has to decide if they want to be a loving, caring person filled with positive thoughts and empty. Or we can choose the opposite. To be mean, angry, revengeful, negative people always complaining and upset about some sort of nonsense.

We can wish God does not give us the choice of being positive or negative. But that is not going to change anything. We still are responsible to make the right choice in life and we have to deal with the consequences of making the wrong choices in life. We do not have to live, we can choose life or death. We do not have to walk in love or love God, that is always a choice we make. We can choose to have a sound mind and the Divine thoughts of God, or we can choose devil talk and negative thinking. That is a choice we make.

Hi KG,

At your age I was reading all about the occult. I was raised in a fellowship going family, but never really had much understanding of christian teachings. Knew all the nice stories about Jesus and Joseph's coat and Jacob's ladder and Noah and the ark, but they were pretty much that, just interesting stories. So, I joined one of those 'get 5 books for a penny' clubs that used to be found in magazines and ordered up a few books concerning the occult and got pretty interested in that, but still didn't go overboard about it. I guess it was just something to keep my mind busy. It wasn't until I was 40 that I was born again and I'd been going to christian worship services for the most part of my life. My maternal grandfather was a God-fearing christian pastor all of his life.

I say all that to just communicate that I believe age and immaturity of mind can have a lot to do with what we believe, accept, get involved in, etc. For 40 years if I ever filled out some questionnaire that asked about my faith, I'd check off the little box that said 'christian'. I can fully understand, I believe, your reticence regarding faith.

However, at the age of 40, all of that changed. Our pastor was going doing a message series regarding the prophecies of the Scriptures. For some reason, this really grabbed my attention. I began to ask myself, "How did Daniel mark the coming of Jesus so accurately?" "How did Isaiah, hundreds of years before Jesus' birth, know that there would be a child born of a virgin?" So I began to look into some of those prophecies. However, I must confess that I did start with a prayer that God, by His Spirit, would give me knowledge and understanding as I searched through these things.

My life was changed completely. It really did begin to sink in to my understanding that there really was a God who knew the beginning from the end and it was this God that had made the prophecies accurate. Because He knew; no, it's even more firm than that, He had established this plan that He was working to fulfill in His created realm in which we live. His way of letting us know that He had this plan and that He had established and created everything by sprinkling liberally throughout His Scriptures all of these prophecies. So that it would be our natural inclination, if we would only believe that they were really true and were really written when His word says they were, that there is a God and that God does know the beginning from the end.

Once I accepted that, the rest was pretty easy for me. The first thing I did was get on my knees in my bedroom and poured out my heart and asked for forgiveness of my sin and then asked for a deep and unquenchable thirst to know Him, His Son, His Spirit and His word. God answered that prayer.

I've read the Scriptures through a number of times and I'm convinced today beyond any shadow of a doubt that the Scriptures are true. We are all sinners in God's sight. But God did create this realm with a purpose of loving us and establishing an eternal relationship with us...if we would trust and believe Him. He did that through the life and death of His Son, Jesus. All of which was planned for before the foundations of the universe were established at His command. God knew when He proclaimed the very first words in creating this realm, "Let there be light!" That the day was going to come when His Son was going to come and die for our sins. However, for that death to be meaningful, He first had to have the Scriptures written.

So, God called a man named Abram and began through him to weave a written account of all that He had done and was doing and would be doing, to bring about this plan of salvation. How He raised up a specific group of people that would be known upon the earth as God's people. As far as we know, every word of the old covenant, with the singular exception of possibly Job, the Scriptures were written by the Jews. God's people. It was for this purpose that God raised up the descendants of Abram to be known as His people.

However, I will admit that believing it is all true and beginning the journey to investigate it all, takes a mustard seed of faith.

You have set forth six points that you are looking to be addressed and I will continue in my next post to address those points.

God bless you,
In Christ, ted

bekkilyn said:

It sounds like part of your issue is that you want everything right now (which is certainly understandable!) but a spiritual journey is just that...a journey.

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My dad was like that. He was on a hurry to get where he was going. At least when we were on vaccation. He said it was because my brothers use to fight and that upset him. Still there were a lot of places we could have gone and things we could have seen if he was not in so much of a hurry to get where the was going to end up at. Some people say that life is in the journey and not so much the destination.

Hi again KG,

Point #1: Praying to God and what expectations we should have that God will answer our requests? I believe that God will answer the simple prayer that anyone makes in seeking Him. However, I'm not sure that He will answer a lot of other prayers regarding 'fixing' all of our problems, until we have a certain amount of faith.

You don't seem to have yet established that mustard seed of faith, and so your further prayers for deliverance from your problems may yet not be answered until God sees some evidence of your faith. I say this because this seems to be the way that God dealt with Israel. There are a few times in the Scriptures where, because of Israel's faithlessness, God declares that He will not hear their prayers. He declares that He will leave them out in the field like a melon hut to suffer all the ravages of rain and sun that just come from the natural passage of time. So, I think there is evidence that if we aren't really serious about building that firm foundation of faith that He asks of us, that He may not hear our prayers either. God clearly declares that His righteous one's shall live by faith.

There came a time when many who had been following Jesus turned away. Jesus turned to his disciples that were closest to him and asked them if they wanted to also turn away? Peter answered him by saying, "Lord, where else can we go?" This is an answer that defines that faith that Peter had. The people who had turned away, we're told, turned away because of some hard teachings. Now, the disciples likely also understood them to be hard teachings, but...if you're completely and thoroughly convinced and convicted that God exists, just because a teaching is hard doesn't change that reality. You may not like it and you may not agree with it, but God is still God. So Peter, knowing that God does exist, knew that he couldn't just turn away because the teaching was hard. He knew that he couldn't go seek out some other religious practice that might offer him an easier way. So he replied to Jesus, "Where else can we go?"


Point #2: Yes, we're all sinners and the goal is to strive to be more like God. But we aren't going to make it. The Scriptures tell us that the law was given to convict us of our sin. Keeping it won't save us!!!!! But as we live our lives, believing in God, the law and the Holy Spirit, for the new covenant believer, are always there to convict us of our sin. So, if I, as a believer, do something that brings upon my soul a feeling of guilt, then I need to apologize for that sin if it involved some other person and then ask God to once again forgive me for my sin.

The Scriptures speak a lot about sin and quite a lot of it in the new covenant seems to clearly point out that just because we are believers, doesn't mean that we won't sin. Now, our occurrences of sin should certainly be much less than say an unbeliever, who doesn't even recognize a lot of his sin. Jesus speaking on sin tells us that we should forgive others who sin against us 7 X 70. He also is pretty clear to tell us that our sin will be forgiven in the same way that we forgive others. But, the strongest teaching on sin, is that for those who believe in faith, Jesus' death paid the penalty for all of our sin. Those sins committed both before and after coming to the truth and knowledge of God. God knows that we are weak.

Again, using Peter as an example. Peter was a man who had walked with the Lord and I really don't think anyone would be able to substantiate a claim that Peter hadn't entrusted his life, in faith, to Jesus. Yet Peter, after all those 3 years or so of walking with the Lord lied about Jesus. He was so in fear of what men would do to him, that when confronted by an angry mob of people, he just lied to them and said that he didn't know Jesus. His guilt caused him to fall to the ground and just weep bitterly over the great sin that he had just committed.

So, a righteous amount of guilt over sin is a good thing. It means that the Holy Spirit and the law are doing their job. However, once you have faith in the promises of God, then you know that being paralyzed by the consequence of sin isn't what God wants for you. He wants you to recognize that sin, seek forgiveness and then strive to go on without repeating it. But, if you do, rinse and repeat 7 X 70.


Point #3: Overthinking a lot can be a problem, but I think it is resolved once we establish the foundational faith. You mention that God has a will. Yes, God does have a will. If you ever make it through the whole of the Scriptures, you might begin to understand that will. It is not that all faggots will die. God's will is that all come to the truth and knowledge of His salvation. Friend, everybody is going to die. There are a lot of sins, not just homosexuality, for which people will be condemned on the day of God's judgment. So, don't waste your time picking on just that one sin. Unfortunately, I can see where people seem to get the idea that one sin is sooooo much worse than all the others. We have christians that try to tell us that if a woman has an abortion she's going to hell. We have others spreading a message of hate that all homosexuals are going to hell. Listen, the truth, as we read the Scriptures, is that we're all going to die and we're all going to be condemned to eternal judgment for our sin and there's only one way that any single one of us will not suffer that fate...Jesus!!!!

Point #4: Sadly, this idea of the trustworthiness of God's Scriptures is quite a big issue even among the fellowships of believers. However, I'm going to encourage that you set this one aside until you've passed through some of the other beginning steps before tackling this issue. As I wrote in my previous post, I too, considered the stories of the Scriptures to be just that...stories, when I was young. It took some of that 'unquenchable thirst' to know God through His Son, His Spirit and His word before I really established for my own understanding that every account that we read in the Scriptures is true and did happen in real time in real life upon the earth that God created. I believe that this greater faith comes from understanding that God did create this realm...this entire universe in which we live, for the purpose of creating man with whom He was going to provide a way of salvation. Once I came to understand and agree that God did create this utterly massive universe out of nothing and just by command of His will, then parting a sea, flooding the entire earth, killing all of the firstborn in a single night in Egypt, turning back the sun or stopping the sun, pretty much seemed like child's play for the one who spoke it all into existence. I now believe that if it were to serve a purpose of God, that right now this instant He could make every star in the universe go dark. If it were to serve His purpose He could stop the earth from turning on its axis for days and we would all live through it.

In the Revelation we read that all the stars in the sky will be rolled up like a scroll. That there will no longer be a need for sun and moon. This reveals to us the power of God. He has absolute control over all that He has created.


Point #5: Let me just say that the answer to your question is: For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Jesus was tortured and died a sinner's death because God loves you and me. This also may become more clear once you have thoroughly studied the Scriptures. I'll write another post to describe that a bit because this is getting too long and it's a fairly lengthy treatise.

Point #6: Man can't know anything about God unless God reveals it to him. This is why it is fairly crucial to understand that the Scriptures, while the actual words being penned were by the hands of men, the thoughts, ideas and understandings are all what God revealed to them to write. Paul writes that the Scriptures were written by men as they were led by the Holy Spirit. I think it's important to understand that, but again, that fullness of understanding isn't going to come from a glancing study about God.

I hope that you'll read my next post. I think it may give you some insight to help understand some of your questions and doubts.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

Hi again KG,

As I said earlier, I have been through the Scriptures a few times. I also prayed, as one of my first acts of faith, that God would give me an unquenchable thirst to know Him through His Son, His Spirit and His word. I actually asked for that depth of knowledge in exactly those words as I knelt on my bedroom floor that day I turned my life over to Christ. From that very day, I spent about the next year seemingly unable to study God's word enough. I would literally spend hours at a time reading and rereading and studying after the things of God. It is my testimony that God did answer that prayer and literally made me thirsty to know Him. It's been some 20 years now that I have known God and studied His word and prayed for wisdom and knowledge. This is what I've come to realize or understand about the Scriptures and what they tell us.

In the beginning, meaning when God first determined to establish this realm in which we live, He created this entire universe out of nothing. Prior to that beginning of this realm, God had already conceived and created the angelic realm. The Scriptures tell us that the angels already existed as God was creating this realm. The angelic realm already existed and Satan had already rebelled before the beginning of God's creating this realm.

The Scriptures describe for us that it took 6 days for God to complete the 'construction' of this realm. Yes, I believe that refers to 6 literal days of approximately 24 hours just as we know days, today. The Scriptures declare that the heavens declare the glory of God and it is exactly this marvel and awe to us that God could do all this in just several hours of time, that makes this declaration true for us. Let's face it. If all that we see out there actually came about from some natural causes, then what's that got to do with the glory of God. All that we see would have happened anyway and would have happened 1,000 times given the same circumstances. While the universe itself is awe inspiring in it's size and scope, it only glorifies God, if God created it. Otherwise, it just glorifies how nature works.

God created Adam, the first man, and Eve as the first human creatures upon the earth and gave them the assignment of filling the earth with people. Eve sinned and then drew Adam into sin, and just as in the angelic realm, sin was allowed to flourish for a time. I think it important to understand also, that God knew this would happen. After all, the Scriptures also declare that man was made lower than the angels. If the angels fell into sin, there's little doubt that God didn't know that man would, too. However, God's plan is longer range than just the day He created this realm.

God knew that man would sin and God knew that a suitable sacrifice for that sin would be necessary to bring man back into the relationship for which God first created. However, before Jesus could come and die for sin and draw people back to God, the people had to know what was going on. For this, God purposed the Scriptures to be written. So, He called a man by the name of Abram and began through him to build a nation of people who would do God's bidding. They were going to write the Scriptures. They were going to deliver to mankind this perfectly planned purpose that God had long ago established so that God could achieve His will to live eternally with mankind and the angels.

So, over the next 1500 years or so, God worked great miracles to prove Himself to His people and had them write down the Scriptures. The Scriptures tell us that it was in the fullness of time, that Jesus came to us. This is what that 'fullness of time' is referring to. That Jesus couldn't come to us until his purpose and God's plan had been revealed to us through the testimony of God. So, after the Scriptures were written, God established a 400 years quiet time for everything to be written down and established and codified as what we call today, the old covenant. Then Jesus came. He came, by the way, exactly in the time that Daniel had foretold us that he would. He came in the very manner that Isaiah said he would. He came doing many of the things that many of the old covenant prophets had told us he would be doing. There can really be no doubt, when we look at all the people who have ever been born upon the earth, that Jesus is the one that the old covenant Scriptures clearly describe to us as being the one that the prophets had written about.

There are no records that exist today or have ever existed that a child born of a virgin in Bethlehem could in any way be construed to be the Messiah that the Scriptures speak of. God has really made it clear to us that Jesus is His servant who was to come. He has done that through prophecies written hundreds of years before Jesus ever breathed his first breath from his mother's womb. There can be no doubt... for the one who truly looks into these matters.

So now God has created and established His plan. Jesus has come to fulfill the plan. It was the fulfillment of this plan that Jesus referred to when he looked up to heaven and declared to God, "It is finished!" Everything had been written down and codified and gathered together as sacred scrolls all that foretells for us of the coming of a Savior...and then the Savior came and died for our sin to establish a righteousness, which by faith, we can also have.

Now, it's time for the patience of God. God waits. He has done everything necessary that there will be some who desire to know and love Him...and He waits. The world continues to wax and wane more wicked with each passing generation...and He waits. Peter writes to us about this patience of God that is allowing some to come to the truth and be saved. Paul writes to Timothy concerning God's desire that all men come to the truth and be saved. God waits. The gospel goes out and is spread across the face of the earth...and God waits.

One day, God will bring this realm of existence to a close. He will roll up the heavens like a scroll and He will call all men to account for their life. Many, many, many will sadly be cast out of God's presence because they didn't choose to establish God's authority in their lives even though He gave His one and only Son for their sin also. Jesus said that few there be that find the way of righteousness. So God waits.

God bless,
In Christ, ted

KingGeorge said:

Hello,

I don't even know how to start off. Everything is just overwhelming. Every day, almost every moment, thoughts rush in, with strong feelings of hate, fear, or anger surging through my body. I wake up every day asking myself: "Why am I doing this to myself? Why don't I just let go?"

So, some background on me. I was raised agnostic/atheist. My childhood was bad, but my teenage life was good, up until University started. I was REALLY ambitious to get the best marks. I was studying any time I could, sleeping 6 hours or less. I wanted to be top dog, and it's funny because before University I rarely studied or considered myself to be someone interested in grades. Anyway, the amount of mental health problems like OCD and anxiety that I developed was tremendous, and I was feeling quite hopeless. I can't even remember, but somehow I randomly started thinking about God, and prayed. Some miracle happened! Perhaps it was on the same day as I gave that prayer, but a Christian met me on campus, offering to talk about the Bible. I accepted, and we spoke about Jesus, the Bible, etc. I was motivated to read the Bible now and explore the faith!

Forward to now, and I'm wholly depressed, anxious, and on medications. I hate myself so much now for having all these problems, that I will dive in soon. The problem? I want to figure everything OUT! I am obsessed with "The truth". I'm also so judgmental towards Christianity and Christians in general... It's so hard to explain my problems in a few sentences.... so I will give some examples.

1) When I think about praying to God for this or that... I get a strong feeling I'm weak as hell. I feel like we humans just impersonate this God to be like Santa Claus, and put all our hope in this 'creation of ours'. And not just that.. the image some Christians give for God terrifies me, as if He's like slave master. Examples: "God, is this woman the one you have PLANNED for me?", "God, deliver me from my fears!", "God, what IS your WILL?", "The DEVIL told me to do it! It's HIS fault, not MINE! (signifies not taking responsibility for one's actions and thoughts)"

2) When I think of myself as a sinner, or someone who sins, I feel SO BAD. If I say some thing which can potentially be labeled as 'bad', like even something as small as 'go away!', I feel like I've just SINNED. Like, the feeling I get is so much anger, and that's because I feel like this whole 'sin' thing was made to make us feel CONDEMNED. To make us feel like we're WORTHLESS pieces of crap that God is so un-pleased with. As if God is watching me, saying; "FOOL! Thou shall not sin in the NAME OF THE LORD!"

3) I overthink alot. Like I read one verse in the Bible where Paul was saying something like "By the will of God, blah" and that one little phrase "the will of God" made me feel like [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Why? Because I imagine this being used to CONTROL people. I just have these negative perceptions of priests or even any religious people, that they justify themselves by saying "Well, it's the will of God, for all faggots to die. I know it, he told me, in prayer, trust me." You know what I mean? I'm thinking, how the hell can ANYONE claim they are justified by the will of God? Surely, the will of God is just a general expression signifying any action or thing which is good, loving, and caring for all people and creation itself.

4) I'm afraid of dogma. I want to think for myself, and so I don't want to believe in the Bible 100%. Some people would say: "The men who wrote the Bible were inspired by God! God literally SPOKE through them, what are you saying it's false? It's true! All is real, even Noah's ark." To me, it goes like: "Well, certain men had a hunch God existed. They developed a relationship with Him, and certain realizations came upon them from their experiences. Perhaps their interpretation of things are not absolutely true."

5) I dislike a lot of things Christians preach. Number one example, Jesus dying on the cross. They're basically saying "God sacrificed Himself, for Himself, in order for us to be saved from Himself" (assuming Jesus is God). How can God's will for Jesus, His Son, be for him to be TORTURED and die on a cross, simply because his human beings which he created, have a little bug inside their 'code', which is sin. God acts like 'oh crap, i left this thing in human beings called ego, which causes them to sin. Damn, now I have to fix this by sending myself on this planet called Earth in order for their sins to be cleared. Elsewise, oh [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], I think I might punish them all! Those sins DISGUST me!" This doesn't sound like an all-powerful and intelligent Being. This sounds like imagination.

6) I philosophize often: How can man even CLAIM to know anything about God, who is infinite? How can an infinite being, love and care for me, a finite speck in the universe?

Ok, now you've read that any you're probably asking yourself: "If this guy is such a smartass, then why does he bother with God at all". I was thinking about this for a long time. Why the hell do I act like I'm better than Christians so much that I label them 'weak'? (Sorry, I don't actually believe that to be true. A lot of these negative perceptions are subconcious, they rise up sometimes. I think even strong people need God). And damn it, I'm so TORN apart. I feel like I really WANT to LOVE God. It's so amazing, like, there's this creator, which I know exists. Like, look at mathematics, and sciences. So incredible how life operates, so freaking intelligent. Surely there is some THING that 'made' this? God! And I feel like, wow, a relationship with this guy would be so cool. Like, with Him I can do anything, right? But I'm afraid of reading the Bible. I'm thinking 'ahh stupid religious people and their ideas wrote this book... ugh why do I want this? Put ideas and dogma in my mind to control my mind?'

What I'm trying to get at, is: Please help me. I've doubted and judged so much, and made myself so miserable, that I want to get better. And I don't want to let go of my faith either. I know I'm not much of a Christian (though I said I am on this site). But I do believe in Jesus, and I think of him as a friend to me (yet again sometimes I doubt, sigh). And I know so many strong people who are faithful, and seemingly are healthy, but not so dogmatic and self-righteous. So what I ask is, how can an obsessive person like me, who's a perfectionist, relieve himself of this desire to KNOW everything. I've tried to stop figuring it out, but emotionally I can't endure this pain. I TRY to let myself read the Bible, and I tell myself 'hey, if it sounds unreasonable, no need to believe. What matters is my love for God, and my relationship with Him. whatever.' I am judging myself, thinking to myself that this was the worst mistake of my life. If you read this far, I really thank you. You endured my crap this far! Please help, thanks

Click to expand...

This is a difficult way to live. But I have written an Ebook that might help you clarify one or two things to help you at least strengthen your faith and confidence in the goodness of God to you.

There is a difference between sympathy and compassion. Sympathy is saying that I feel sorry for you and am praying for you. Compassion is feeling helpfully sorry for you and doing something concrete to try and assist you. That is why I have attached my Ebook.