A Stubborn Leader

step_by_step · Jan 7, 2019

So the leader of our young adult group is a very opinionated young man. He has a pride issue that I know he needs to deal with but fails to see. I am concerned with the way that he's allowing our young adult group to run, so I expressed these concerns to him. I know for a FACT that the words I said were placed on my heart by God because I can usually never speak with the clarity that I did last night. So what I said was God's message to him.

This leader didn't answer me. He read all three of my messages but hasn't answered. It's extremely disheartening to see that 1) he's going to remain stubborn, 2) he won't even communicate which makes it impossible to reach a conclusion, and 3) he's going to be a child about it all.

What am I supposed to do? My desire is to just wash my hands of it and move on but it's troubling me deeply that this so called leader is so proud in his ways and will not bend. He has closed off any means of communicating by refusing to answer so there's nothing I can do except pray that God reveals to him what he needs to see.

What is my next move in this situation? Do I speak to an elder in the church or do I keep this to myself? I don't want to hurt this person as he means well but he just needs to get his priorities in check. I'm not sure what to do here.

Sketcher · Jan 7, 2019

Give him a little more time to respond, then take another with you (Matt 18:15-17).

Not me · Jan 7, 2019

Only Christ can tell you what your next move should be. As you stated, your first move was a work of God. So in likewise manner, your next move needs, and has to be the same. Only God knows this individuals heart, and what he needs to grow. So your place (it seems to me) would be to keep this individual before God in prayer, as well as yourself before God, so if indeed God wanted the next move to come from you, you would be in a position to hear clearly from God on this issue. Hope it helps.

Blessings,

Much love in Christ, Not me

Tharseo · Jan 7, 2019

Do you think, that talking to an elder would help him and the group? I do not think so. It brings disagreements in the group and the church, and cannot build up this young man's spiritual life, given that he is not opening his heart to listen.

First, do not judge. Do not judge by what you see and what you think, since your heart can be deceiving sometimes. Do not think that you are any better than him. Honour him, for God has set him your leader. Never let your emotions take over.

Second, think carefully about your intentions. Do not correct a person for a better feeling, or trying to bring him to judgement. If your intention is pure and you truly think for the benefit of the group, there are many ways to get around it without forcing the issue. For example, if someone is stumbled because of him, you can help the stumbled person, instead of blaming your leader.

Third, and the most important thing, wait upon God. Do not act until you are sure the Spirit led you, since God is the one who change one's mind, not any of us. You may pray that God may work wonders and put a new heart in him, that he eyes may be opened and see spiritually. Pray for your group as well, that your hearts can be filled with love and truth.

dysert · Jan 7, 2019

I would NOT speak to an elder or anyone else about this. If you proceed, you might try sitting down and talking with him. If he's not receptive to that, your only option is to shake the dust of your feet and quietly move on (unless you can "behave" under his leadership). You won't change him.

Petros2015 · Jan 7, 2019

He didn't answer your messages?

I guess the only other option is Coup D'etat...

Relax. Settle down. No one is obligated to return communication to you. The fact that he didn't might be showing some restraint or even taking the time to think about what you said and discuss it with others.

step_by_step said:
I know for a FACT that the words I said were placed on my heart by God because I can usually never speak with the clarity that I did last night. So what I said was God's message to him.

I'd be curious to see that.

2PhiloVoid · Jan 7, 2019

step_by_step said:
So the leader of our young adult group is a very opinionated young man. He has a pride issue that I know he needs to deal with but fails to see. I am concerned with the way that he's allowing our young adult group to run, so I expressed these concerns to him. I know for a FACT that the words I said were placed on my heart by God because I can usually never speak with the clarity that I did last night. So what I said was God's message to him.

This leader didn't answer me. He read all three of my messages but hasn't answered. It's extremely disheartening to see that 1) he's going to remain stubborn, 2) he won't even communicate which makes it impossible to reach a conclusion, and 3) he's going to be a child about it all.

What am I supposed to do? My desire is to just wash my hands of it and move on but it's troubling me deeply that this so called leader is so proud in his ways and will not bend. He has closed off any means of communicating by refusing to answer so there's nothing I can do except pray that God reveals to him what he needs to see.

What is my next move in this situation? Do I speak to an elder in the church or do I keep this to myself? I don't want to hurt this person as he means well but he just needs to get his priorities in check. I'm not sure what to do here.

Without knowing precisely the issues involved, I couldn't tell you one way or another.

Zoii · Jan 7, 2019

As a general rule, when you want to convey negative feedback to a colleague, DONT send an e-mail. Speak in person and do the mental work and prepare yourself for the discussion. The spirit of feedback is to be constructive and to indicate objectively how you observe things. Being subjective is OK, but confine it to how a particular process makes you feel.

But DONT go firing off e-mails. ..... that said, since you already have, have the courage to approach him in a positive manner.

A Realist · Jan 7, 2019

Are you the only one who seems to be having this issue with him? If so, it might be a problem with you and not him.

If it's more than just you, then you should all approach him as a group to try and resolve the situation before taking it to the elders.

step_by_step · Jan 7, 2019

Maybe I should have better explained the situation.

The current state of our young adult group is depressing. There is direction, no structure, it's all fun and games and no actual growth in Christ, which was the original mission of starting the group. This leader is a push over and will very easily allow the group to do whatever they feel they want rather than actually pushing them to grow and guiding them in the right direction. As a leader should do.

My issue is not with him as a person but his inability to lead and his inability to accept advice. He should not be in a leadership position if this is the attitude that he's going to hold.

As for "firing off emails", that is certainly not what I was doing. The rest of my church and my group are a placid lazy bunch of couch potatoes who would only wake up from their stupor if God was standing directly in front of them, to put it plainly. So it's not like any of them are aware whatsoever that there's an issue. They are perfectly content to turn our Bible study in a video game session.

step_by_step · Jan 7, 2019

Tharseo said:
Do you think, that talking to an elder would help him and the group? I do not think so. It brings disagreements in the group and the church, and cannot build up this young man's spiritual life, given that he is not opening his heart to listen.

First, do not judge. Do not judge by what you see and what you think, since your heart can be deceiving sometimes. Do not think that you are any better than him. Honour him, for God has set him your leader. Never let your emotions take over.

Second, think carefully about your intentions. Do not correct a person for a better feeling, or trying to bring him to judgement. If your intention is pure and you truly think for the benefit of the group, there are many ways to get around it without forcing the issue. For example, if someone is stumbled because of him, you can help the stumbled person, instead of blaming your leader.

Third, and the most important thing, wait upon God. Do not act until you are sure the Spirit led you, since God is the one who change one's mind, not any of us. You may pray that God may work wonders and put a new heart in him, that he eyes may be opened and see spiritually. Pray for your group as well, that your hearts can be filled with love and truth.

My reason for wanting an elder involved is that this individual does not take the advice of his peers (me and his other friends) seriously. I think that if someone he respected were to talk to him, it could help him understand what it is I'm trying to say. It's a respect issue and he seems to have none for me.

I don't think I'm better than this person, not by a long shot. He's taught me a lot about my walk with Christ and he's a man of strong faith. However, he is human with flaws and I've been deeply convicted about this issue that I brought up to him last night. I truly believe that our group has so much potential if this leader would stop catering to their desire to remain in their current position. I know he could be a great leader and minister if he would just stop seeing the world as a small bubble that includes only him.

But you're right, I'm trying very hard not to act on my will but God's. It's difficult because I'm frustrated. Knowing this person, he isn't answering me because he thinks I'm throwing a fit (a thing he's said to me before when I've tried to discuss issues with him) and he won't answer me. This lack of respect is what is driving me crazy but this is an issue God can solve, not me.

Tharseo · Jan 7, 2019

step_by_step said:
Maybe I should have better explained the situation.

The current state of our young adult group is depressing. There is direction, no structure, it's all fun and games and no actual growth in Christ, which was the original mission of starting the group. This leader is a push over and will very easily allow the group to do whatever they feel they want rather than actually pushing them to grow and guiding them in the right direction. As a leader should do.

My issue is not with him as a person but his inability to lead and his inability to accept advice. He should not be in a leadership position if this is the attitude that he's going to hold.

As for "firing off emails", that is certainly not what I was doing. The rest of my church and my group are a placid lazy bunch of couch potatoes who would only wake up from their stupor if God was standing directly in front of them, to put it plainly. So it's not like any of them are aware whatsoever that there's an issue. They are perfectly content to turn our Bible study in a video game session.

If I were you, I would not ever think of speaking to the elders about your leader in these kind of church. From what you described, it appears that your church elders are not aware of the situation the church is in. They might be able to teach, but not able to guide the church and shepherd the people in accordance to Christ.

You might, however, express your concern over the condition of the church to them, that the spiritual atmosphere of the church is, well, not very positive. Though I doubt how helpful it would be to change the situation.

Honestly, it makes me really sad when I read your post.

step_by_step · Jan 7, 2019

Tharseo said:
If I were you, I would not ever think of speaking to the elders about your leader in these kind of church. From what you described, it appears that your church elders are not aware of the situation the church is in. They might be able to teach, but not able to guide the church and shepherd the people in accordance to Christ.

You might, however, express your concern over the condition of the church to them, that the spiritual atmosphere of the church is, well, not very positive. Though I doubt how helpful it would be to change the situation.

Honestly, it makes me really sad when I read your post.

It really is unfortunate because the church has been this way for years and there's just no change. The leaders are not leaders and it saddens me to see this young man with so much love for God come in and then become exactly like all the others in leadership positions. Really it's a deeper issue than just our young adult group. I wish I had answers for it all

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