Should I go to church this morning? (Trigger warning: Depression, thoughts on hurting oneself)

baptistgirl21 · Nov 11, 2018

I just really don't want to go today. Is it bad if I miss this morning? I do have a habit of missing every now and then but I'm seriously just wanting to go back to sleep. Church can bore me at times. I really don't know why. Every time I go, I pray that God will let the preaching interest me and not make me fall to sleep but it always does. When I hear the preacher say "God loves you" or "He died for your sins", it doesn't comfort me at all like it should. I even question why God loves me. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he doesn't. Mostly because I hate myself. I mean, why would he love me if I don't love me?
I do believe he died for my sins but it doesn't comfort me, sadly. I pray that it does almost all the time but he doesn't answer. I don't know why. He won't even give me a straight answer if I'm a Christian or not. I repented of my sins multiple times and yet still don't feel like he saved me. I was even told by a true Christian that I was not saved because if I was, I'd know it. I would remember the exact day and just know that I'm saved. Sadly, I don't. I pray and pray every night that God will tell me I am but he won't for some reason. You know what else? He never convicts me of sin. I've noticed that lately. I know what the spirit feels like and I know that God does not convict me like he does every Christian who slips up and sins. He's supposed to correct his children. How can I be a child of God if he doesn't correct me? That's proof that I'm not Christian. I'd rather be dead if I'm hell bound. I remember when I was a teen I always felt the spirit. I would even pray him away because I didn't want others to see me cry (I got made fun of for crying by my mom who is a devout Christian). I think it worked because now I never feel him. Not even in church, which is another reason why I don't want to go. I feel so upset when I see others praising God. I want to but it's not coming from the heart. I can't if it's not coming from the heart.

What should I do? I want God to love me. I can't repent if God doesn't convict me. It wouldn't be true repentance, or so that's what I was told. Honestly, I thought I was a Christian at one point. I was doing so good until a Christian told me otherwise (he's a pastor). Now for almost 5 years, I've been going down the wrong path, though not completely. I still have hope that God will fix everything. But I'm afraid that the hope will one day run out and I'll eventually give up and hurt myself, as I'm always wanting to die. I just can't bring myself to act on it, even though I used to be able to easily. Sorry for my complaining. Anyways, should I go this morning? Thanks for reading.

Dave-W · Nov 11, 2018

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. If you need to stay home, do so. I had to this weekend for a sore throat and other things. (And I NEVER miss)

I will tell you this: From what I read in that OP, you ARE a Christian, born again and on your way to Heaven. But you have seared and/or blocked your feelings of Him. That is why you do not sense His presence or feel conviction.

BTW, repentance is not about feelings, it is about choices. If you know something is sinful, then change it. The NT Greek word translated repent means to change your mind, and the OT Hebrew word means to turn around and walk a different direction. Neither have a “feeling” component. Yes, godly sorrow (a feeling) can LEAD to repentance, but it is not repentance in and of itself, nor is it a necessary precursor. If you know its wrong, ask Gods forgiveness and change it.

Ya know - I think you have been told a bunch of falsehoods.

SkyWriting · Nov 11, 2018

baptistgirl21 said:
I just really don't want to go today. Is it bad if I miss this morning? I do have a habit of missing every now and then but I'm seriously just wanting to go back to sleep. Church can bore me at times. I really don't know why. Every time I go, I pray that God will let the preaching interest me and not make me fall to sleep but it always does. When I hear the preacher say "God loves you" or "He died for your sins", it doesn't comfort me at all like it should. I even question why God loves me. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he doesn't. Mostly because I hate myself. I mean, why would he love me if I don't love me?
I do believe he died for my sins but it doesn't comfort me, sadly. I pray that it does almost all the time but he doesn't answer. I don't know why. He won't even give me a straight answer if I'm a Christian or not. I repented of my sins multiple times and yet still don't feel like he saved me. I was even told by a true Christian that I was not saved because if I was, I'd know it. I would remember the exact day and just know that I'm saved. Sadly, I don't. I pray and pray every night that God will tell me I am but he won't for some reason. You know what else? He never convicts me of sin. I've noticed that lately. I know what the spirit feels like and I know that God does not convict me like he does every Christian who slips up and sins. He's supposed to correct his children. How can I be a child of God if he doesn't correct me? That's proof that I'm not Christian. I'd rather be dead if I'm hell bound. I remember when I was a teen I always felt the spirit. I would even pray him away because I didn't want others to see me cry (I got made fun of for crying by my mom who is a devout Christian). I think it worked because now I never feel him. Not even in church, which is another reason why I don't want to go. I feel so upset when I see others praising God. I want to but it's not coming from the heart. I can't if it's not coming from the heart. What should I do? I want God to love me. I can't repent if God doesn't convict me. It wouldn't be true repentance, or so that's what I was told. Honestly, I thought I was a Christian at one point. I was doing so good until a Christian told me otherwise (he's a pastor). Now for almost 5 years, I've been going down the wrong path, though not completely. I still have hope that God will fix everything. But I'm afraid that the hope will one day run out and I'll eventually give up and hurt myself, as I'm always wanting to die. I just can't bring myself to act on it, even though I used to be able to easily. Sorry for my complaining. Anyways, should I go this morning? Thanks for reading.

Sleep is good, but keep it to less than 12 hours a day.

Porpoise · Nov 11, 2018

baptistgirl21 said:
I just really don't want to go today. Is it bad if I miss this morning? I do have a habit of missing every now and then but I'm seriously just wanting to go back to sleep. Church can bore me at times. I really don't know why. Every time I go, I pray that God will let the preaching interest me and not make me fall to sleep but it always does. When I hear the preacher say "God loves you" or "He died for your sins", it doesn't comfort me at all like it should. I even question why God loves me. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he doesn't. Mostly because I hate myself. I mean, why would he love me if I don't love me?
I do believe he died for my sins but it doesn't comfort me, sadly. I pray that it does almost all the time but he doesn't answer. I don't know why. He won't even give me a straight answer if I'm a Christian or not. I repented of my sins multiple times and yet still don't feel like he saved me. I was even told by a true Christian that I was not saved because if I was, I'd know it. I would remember the exact day and just know that I'm saved. Sadly, I don't. I pray and pray every night that God will tell me I am but he won't for some reason. You know what else? He never convicts me of sin. I've noticed that lately. I know what the spirit feels like and I know that God does not convict me like he does every Christian who slips up and sins. He's supposed to correct his children. How can I be a child of God if he doesn't correct me? That's proof that I'm not Christian. I'd rather be dead if I'm hell bound. I remember when I was a teen I always felt the spirit. I would even pray him away because I didn't want others to see me cry (I got made fun of for crying by my mom who is a devout Christian). I think it worked because now I never feel him. Not even in church, which is another reason why I don't want to go. I feel so upset when I see others praising God. I want to but it's not coming from the heart. I can't if it's not coming from the heart. What should I do? I want God to love me. I can't repent if God doesn't convict me. It wouldn't be true repentance, or so that's what I was told. Honestly, I thought I was a Christian at one point. I was doing so good until a Christian told me otherwise (he's a pastor). Now for almost 5 years, I've been going down the wrong path, though not completely. I still have hope that God will fix everything. But I'm afraid that the hope will one day run out and I'll eventually give up and hurt myself, as I'm always wanting to die. I just can't bring myself to act on it, even though I used to be able to easily. Sorry for my complaining. Anyways, should I go this morning? Thanks for reading.

Your story is familiar to me. I also struggle with depression and it caused me to feel that I wasn't really saved, that I wasn't a real Christian. It was like I would go from one spiritual crisis to another. I thought I wasn't growing spiritually because I couldn't see any sign of growth and I just didn't feel right. But I must have been growing, because that's changed. Somehow, gradually, I started to feel closer to God and believe that he loves me and cares about me.

You might not be able to see it now, but if your story goes anything like mine, I think something in you is growing. Flowers don't look like much before they bloom, but when they do they are beautiful. I think you may be going through some trials that will ultimately bring you closer to God. Keep seeking God, reach out to him, trust that he cares for you much more than you can see now. It's like the story of the prodigal son, "And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him." (Luke 15:20).

dpadre · Nov 11, 2018

eleos1954 · Nov 11, 2018

baptistgirl21 said:
I just really don't want to go today. Is it bad if I miss this morning? I do have a habit of missing every now and then but I'm seriously just wanting to go back to sleep. Church can bore me at times. I really don't know why. Every time I go, I pray that God will let the preaching interest me and not make me fall to sleep but it always does. When I hear the preacher say "God loves you" or "He died for your sins", it doesn't comfort me at all like it should. I even question why God loves me. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he doesn't. Mostly because I hate myself. I mean, why would he love me if I don't love me?
I do believe he died for my sins but it doesn't comfort me, sadly. I pray that it does almost all the time but he doesn't answer. I don't know why. He won't even give me a straight answer if I'm a Christian or not. I repented of my sins multiple times and yet still don't feel like he saved me. I was even told by a true Christian that I was not saved because if I was, I'd know it. I would remember the exact day and just know that I'm saved. Sadly, I don't. I pray and pray every night that God will tell me I am but he won't for some reason. You know what else? He never convicts me of sin. I've noticed that lately. I know what the spirit feels like and I know that God does not convict me like he does every Christian who slips up and sins. He's supposed to correct his children. How can I be a child of God if he doesn't correct me? That's proof that I'm not Christian. I'd rather be dead if I'm hell bound. I remember when I was a teen I always felt the spirit. I would even pray him away because I didn't want others to see me cry (I got made fun of for crying by my mom who is a devout Christian). I think it worked because now I never feel him. Not even in church, which is another reason why I don't want to go. I feel so upset when I see others praising God. I want to but it's not coming from the heart. I can't if it's not coming from the heart. What should I do? I want God to love me. I can't repent if God doesn't convict me. It wouldn't be true repentance, or so that's what I was told. Honestly, I thought I was a Christian at one point. I was doing so good until a Christian told me otherwise (he's a pastor). Now for almost 5 years, I've been going down the wrong path, though not completely. I still have hope that God will fix everything. But I'm afraid that the hope will one day run out and I'll eventually give up and hurt myself, as I'm always wanting to die. I just can't bring myself to act on it, even though I used to be able to easily. Sorry for my complaining. Anyways, should I go this morning? Thanks for reading.

***

It sounds like to me you are experiencing pretty significant depression. Go talk to your doctor about it. It could be you have some sort of chemical imbalance. Anyway I think it wise to go see about it and follow the Dr's. recommendation(s) for a while and see if that is helpful. Perhaps after doing so, you would would be in a better frame of mind.

As far as going to church, if you don't feel good about it then don't go. Consider doing your own personal study at home on topics you find interesting. I'd recommend doing some actual study ... a "church message" for about 1 hour or so a week .... isn't enough to fully experience and grow your relationship with the Lord.

People who claim or say you are not saved .... they don't know ... and shame on them. God looks at the heart and only God knows the heart. Stay in prayer ... wait on the Lord to do His work in you. You might want to consider doing some volunteer charity work.

I pray the Lord will help you to rest in Him. Amen.

May you be encouraged through His words.

Philippians 4:8

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Deuteronomy 31:8

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 34:17
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

Psalm 40:1-3

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

Psalm 3:3

3 But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

Psalm 32:10

10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him.

Psalm 42:11

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

1 Peter 5:6-7

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

John 16:33

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Romans 8:38-39

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

1 Peter 4:12-13

12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Psalm 37:23-24

23 The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; 24 though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

Isaiah 41:10

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God Bless.

dysert · Nov 11, 2018

What would it hurt to go to church? You can always sleep after you come home. And it might even help for you to go. Who knows - God may speak to you through the message, through the Scripture, through someone else, etc. If it won't hurt, and it may help, then I would encourage you to go and take a nice long nap after you get home.

dysert · Nov 11, 2018

Dave-W said:
Ya know - I think you have been told a bunch of falsehoods.

Yes, this is classic of depression. You end up playing a tape in your head that never stops that's full of lies, and you eventually start believing them.

Newtheran · Nov 11, 2018

baptistgirl21 said:
I just really don't want to go today. Is it bad if I miss this morning? I do have a habit of missing every now and then but I'm seriously just wanting to go back to sleep. Church can bore me at times. I really don't know why. Every time I go, I pray that God will let the preaching interest me and not make me fall to sleep but it always does. When I hear the preacher say "God loves you" or "He died for your sins", it doesn't comfort me at all like it should. I even question why God loves me. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he doesn't. Mostly because I hate myself. I mean, why would he love me if I don't love me?
I do believe he died for my sins but it doesn't comfort me, sadly. I pray that it does almost all the time but he doesn't answer. I don't know why. He won't even give me a straight answer if I'm a Christian or not. I repented of my sins multiple times and yet still don't feel like he saved me. I was even told by a true Christian that I was not saved because if I was, I'd know it. I would remember the exact day and just know that I'm saved. Sadly, I don't. I pray and pray every night that God will tell me I am but he won't for some reason. You know what else? He never convicts me of sin. I've noticed that lately. I know what the spirit feels like and I know that God does not convict me like he does every Christian who slips up and sins. He's supposed to correct his children. How can I be a child of God if he doesn't correct me? That's proof that I'm not Christian. I'd rather be dead if I'm hell bound. I remember when I was a teen I always felt the spirit. I would even pray him away because I didn't want others to see me cry (I got made fun of for crying by my mom who is a devout Christian). I think it worked because now I never feel him. Not even in church, which is another reason why I don't want to go. I feel so upset when I see others praising God. I want to but it's not coming from the heart. I can't if it's not coming from the heart. What should I do? I want God to love me. I can't repent if God doesn't convict me. It wouldn't be true repentance, or so that's what I was told. Honestly, I thought I was a Christian at one point. I was doing so good until a Christian told me otherwise (he's a pastor). Now for almost 5 years, I've been going down the wrong path, though not completely. I still have hope that God will fix everything. But I'm afraid that the hope will one day run out and I'll eventually give up and hurt myself, as I'm always wanting to die. I just can't bring myself to act on it, even though I used to be able to easily. Sorry for my complaining. Anyways, should I go this morning? Thanks for reading.

As a former Baptist, your post saddens me as it perfectly illustrates the downside to the evangelical/revivalistic theology that casts such a shadow over modern American Christianity.

First, let me assure you that God loves you and me, and all his creation. While He certainly wants us to worship and attend church He also understands that there are a variety of reasons why his followers cannot on any given Sunday.

It sounds as if you have some things to sort out in your own walk with God as do we all.

I am going to recommend two books for you to read that may help you reorient how you run this race. The first is a short little book titled "The Illumined Heart" by a woman named Frederica Matthew's-Green. You can probably finish that in a week or less.

Think about the concepts presented in it.

The second is "
Ascending the Heights: A Layman's Guide to The Ladder of Divine Ascent"

Both have helped me mature greatly as a believer. Keep in mind that St. Paul did not refer to the Christian life as a decision, a relationship, or a feeling...but as a race with all that entails.

There may also be some element of depression here, but if that is the cause or result of the current state of your spiritual life is unclear to me.

Be well, sister.

BlessedVegan · Nov 11, 2018

Being a Christian and being saved are about actions, not feelings. Even if you don’t feel like going to church, you go because it’s important. You may not feel convicted about your sin, but you try not to sin and repent when you do. Not everyone feels inspired and spiritual all the time. It’s how you behave day in, day out that matters. It’s not God’s job to stay on top of you. IE constantly convict you to do what you need to do. I’m not trying to be mean, and btw I don’t think it’s wrong to miss church every now and then. But essentially expecting God to do this and that to keep you motivated is demanding God cater to you. And that isn’t how it should work IMO. Also. maybe you need to find a church that keeps you more engaged?

Northbrook · Nov 11, 2018

You might also think of it like this: the devil doesn't want you to go to church...

Kit Sigmon · Nov 11, 2018

Well now, sometimes all you can do is offer God your sacrifice of
praise... which is what suffering people do... my church has people
afflicted with cancer but they at church singing and praising God through
their afflictions...recall that the apostles praised God and while they
in prison and or being persecuted.

Heissonear · Nov 11, 2018

eleos1954 said:
***

It sounds like to me you are experiencing pretty significant depression. Go talk to your doctor about it. It could be you have some sort of chemical imbalance. Anyway I think it wise to go see about it and follow the Dr's. recommendation(s) for a while and see if that is helpful. Perhaps after doing so, you would would be in a better frame of mind.

As far as going to church, if you don't feel good about it then don't go. Consider doing your own personal study at home on topics you find interesting. I'd recommend doing some actual study ... a "church message" for about 1 hour or so a week .... isn't enough to fully experience and grow your relationship with the Lord.

People who claim or say you are not saved .... they don't know ... and shame on them. God looks at the heart and only God knows the heart. Stay in prayer ... wait on the Lord to do His work in you. You might want to consider doing some volunteer charity work.

I pray the Lord will help you to rest in Him. Amen.

May you be encouraged through His words.

Philippians 4:8

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Deuteronomy 31:8

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 34:17
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.

Psalm 40:1-3

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

Psalm 3:3

3 But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.

Psalm 32:10

10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him.

Psalm 42:11

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

1 Peter 5:6-7

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

John 16:33

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Romans 8:38-39

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

1 Peter 4:12-13

12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Psalm 37:23-24

23 The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; 24 though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

Isaiah 41:10

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God Bless.

Baptistgirl21, God anoints His Word. One "sermon a week" does not cut it, in our corrupt world times.

Read and put His Word in you. The list of Scriptures from eloes54 are excellent to read, meditate, and act on.

God will use His Word to make you walk close to Him. A vibrant relationship with the Most High. One in which nothing compare to in Intelligence, Love, Power, and so much more.

Draw near to Him by His Word within you, and by faith (not emotions) acting on what His Word states.

James 4:10 is for you.

baptistgirl21 · Nov 11, 2018

Thanks everyone for answering. I decided to go to church and it was great. I even payed attention the whole time without getting bored. I feel awesome!

AllThingsWorkForGood · Nov 11, 2018

Hi Baptistgirl, I know this thread was kind of coming to an end and I'm glad your time at church was positive, but I did want to add that the Enemy can and most certainly will use 'Christian' people to discourage you and cause you to lose faith and trust in God if he can. In fact, this is probably his preferred tactic because he knows how devastating it can be to a Christian when others who appear to be Christian hurt them in some way.

It seems to me like this is something that has happened to you and you need to get wise to this tactic of the Enemy. Just because someone claims to be a 'Christian' does not mean they are truly saved and they may not be living in accordance with God's will at all and so are more in fact in the service of the Enemy. I would suggest asking God for discernment to know when a Christian tells you something whether or not it is true. Remember that the Word says that demons can pretend to be angels to fool us and get us further away from God. Do not let this happen.

God instructs us to 'test the spirits' to see if they are from God. I suggest a good 'test' is to consider when someone says something to you or gives you advice, consider seriously whether this brings you closer to God or in some way, even extremely subtly, makes you question God's love for you or Truth that you are His precious child.

What you have said in your original post is some really bad stuff about hating yourself and then this so-called Pastor said stuff that made you start going down the wrong road. That is not the Father's will. God wants the very very best for you and I suggest that you start to absorb yourself in God's word and learn the Father's TRUTH and do not listen to any voices that do not accord with the love God and Jesus have for you. If they do not bring you closer to God in some way then disregard them completely - pastor or not!

Should I go to church this morning? (Trigger warning: Depression, thoughts on hurting oneself)

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