Hi everyone. I really need some help. My name is Chance. I have Autism and OCD and Bipolar disorder and a few other things and I think these things have really warped my view of God. Instead of seeing God as loving, I have been seeing him as terrible. I no longer see God as a loving God. I see him as cruel and uncaring. I have been reading things from the Bible more and they have destroyed my love for God. My entire Christian life has begun to fall apart because of it. All I ever read tells us to fear God. He tells us to fear him constantly. Well, I can’t fear and love someone at the same time. It’s just not possible for me. I have certain family members and people in my life that I can’t stand to be around because they scare me. It’s just the way I am. This has severely affected my relationship with God as well.
Ever since I started reading about hell I can’t stand to even think about God. Hell has destroyed my relationship with God. I can’t even read my Bible anymore. I can’t pray. I tremble every time I hear God’s name and I literally hyperventilate to the point where I am close to panic. I get scared even talking about God. I hear God’s name and the onky thought that comes to my mind is “God is coming to get you and send you to hell soon”. It’s all I can think of anymore. Ever since I started reading about hell, I can find almost no love for God anymore. I now see God as a terrifying monster, rather than a loving God. He created billions of people knowing that they would all eventually just be tortured in a burning pit for all eternity with no hope in this world? How is he loving. He could have chosen not to create people that would go to such a place. But he didn’t. He created them all knowing they would be in pain forever. Do you call that love?
It has been literally keeping me up at night. I can’t even sleep anymore because of dreams about hell. I wake up in panic. I can’t even stand to read my Bible or pray anymore. It just gives me extremely intense anxiety. It’s literally all I can think of anymore. How many people are burning in hell right now? Is my family going to hell? Am I going to hell? The OCD about hell has destroyed my love for God and has made me see no value in Christ’s sacrifice. All he did is come to put even more restrictions on us and to tell us basically “few will actually make it to Heaven because you have to be perfect to get there” then after telling us that barely anyone will make it to Heaven and that we will be burning in a torture pit forever with demons torturing us and fire burning us while we are slowly eaten by maggots, he says “oh, by the way, God loves you so love him with all your heart, mind, soul and strength or your going to hell. I see no love in that whatsoever.
Jesus might as well have said “just give up” because he just came to add more rules and make it even harder. That’s what I see. It’s all I can see. I see no beauty in the Gospel anymore. I’ve been brought to tears worrying about hell more times than I can count. God wants us to fear him? He got it. I fear him. But there is no love in my heart for hi. Anymore. Only bitterness and fear and depression. instead of a child, I feel like a dog on a leash. God made it basically impossible to go to Heaven and I’m so depressed that I’m just going through the motions of Christianity anymore with no real heart for God.
Then God tells us to hate our families and love him more than them. How can God possibly expect that of me when he just Got done threatening me with eternal torment. Why would God show me hell if he expected me to love him. I was doing so Good for so long reading about God’s love and I was ready to do the will of God and follow him to the ends of the earth, until he scared me to death with threats of hell. I’m sorry but I just can’t stand God anymore. It hurts too much to keep trying to be a Christian. I can’t stand the feelings of constant Condemnation. How can I love God and fear him at the same time?
I feel nothing but anxiety and depression and bitterness anymore. All of which are sins. But I can’t do anything about them. I’ve tried everything. Devotional, Bible reading, Even prayer. Nothing helps anymore. I feel like a pig in a slaughterhouse, just waiting to go to hell. I’m nowhere even close to being a model Christian. I feel utterly hopeless. I fear God so much now that I can’t stand him anymore. I don’t know what to do now, anymore. I live in constant depression and anxiety now and it’s slowly killing me. I’m doubting everything abou5 God. His love, my faith, even his very existence.
So my question is, Will God understand my mental illness and help me with it. Does God care about how I feel or does he only care about how much I can do for him. It seems like God only cares about how perfect of a person you are. I’ve talked to people about this before and they only made it worse by warning of hell more. I really need help!
