- Nov 11, 2017
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I keep leaving and returning and leaving and returning to this Forum. This time however, I don't want to get advice from only one specific group at a time. I am very open to advice from any Christian who could help me here. I don't know what I am doing and have honestly been having an identity crisis as of late. Now allow me to explain, some of you already may know bits of my story so I'm gonna condense it some.
Spring 2017 (19 Years Old)
I was a solder in the Salvation Army and was on the path to go to Officer's Training (Seminary for TSA). I was happy and yet didn't realize how little of my faith I knew. I had been raised in a Southern Baptist (Free Will kind) and in the Salvation Army and my family had been attending TSA for the past two years despite having hopped back and forth in my youth.
Summer 2017 (19-20 YO)
I worked at a summer camp and started dating a girl I thought I'd marry. She also felt called into TSA officership (The salvation Army ordains women and men together as couples) and we, like the children we are, sinned out of our lusts of the flesh. Oh God forgive me! After the summer camp we continued our relationship as a long distance relationship but we still sinned throughout. The end of summer I became my TSA church's high school Sunday school teacher. I still felt like everything was going fine.
Fall 2017 (20 YO)
My Junior year of my undergraduate degree in International Studies began and I had to take a course in World Religions. I was ready to defend my faith in debates and papers I thought to myself. I had to purchase a new Bible, the Buddhist Scriptures, one of the Hindu Scripture books, and a Quran. I had an opportunity to truly study other people's beliefs. Little did I know I'd need to study my own. My teacher announced himself as a Roman Catholic (it's a secular university) and he promised not to try and convert people. I scoffed in my mind. No one would ever do that. The RCC is a dead relic of the past full of nonsense is what I pictured. I was also learning Japanese and was the Treasurer of a brand new organization (new to my campus) called Bridges International. I was very excited but we didn't quite start giving them the Gospel at this point. By November my World Religions class made it to Christianity where I had heard about Eastern Orthodoxy for the first time. I noticed similar claims from them that I did the RCC but I got intrigued by the similarity and immediately started to read the book of Acts. I was living in an Apartment up by my University but would go home for church with my family so I could still follow my goals as an officer of the TSA. Studying Acts however, gave me doubts. So much talk of Baptism but TSA doesn't practice any sacraments. Not even communion let alone Baptism. That was the first time I ever saw an issue with what I was teaching. I started a new study in my Sunday school class on Church History to mirror what I was learning. I started with Christians in general and gave a choppy overview of Acts and then went on to explain John Wesley a bit and then William Booth (the Methodist pastor who started TSA). That WR class further challenged my long held beliefs by telling me the Apostles Creed. I didn't know what Creeds were let alone that they existed. I immediately did some quick research and picked up a book from the library on the Nicean Council. I was sold. I emailed the nearest EO church (an hour away and I can't drive) about my various questions. Then came the assignment that fully shattered my identity as a Protestant and future Officer in TSA. We were told in the end of November that if we attended a religious service other than our own and wrote a one page paper on it we could get extra credit. I tried to find a way to the EO Church but couldn't get one. So I gave in. I still hated the RCC, or what I thought it was, but I went to a Saturday Night Mass anyway and was in awestruck wonder. They read more scripture than I had ever heard. They recited the Nicean Creed. They (I think I remember right) recited the Our Father prayer. I did the paper and initially said I would never go again. I went to the Tuesday Morning Mass the very next week of course and that same day had my first of many two hour+ long meetings with the Priest. He was very liberal (I'm pretty conservative on most things asides from the Death Penalty) but his ability to teach was profound. I was hooked.
Winter 2017-2018
I continued being the Sunday School teacher at the TSA but I was also regularly attending Weekday Masses. Me and my girlfriend were still dating and we met up after Christmas for a week and sinned yet again. I wasn't fully convicted of said sin. January 2018 however I would tell the Priest (who had become a great friend) of my sins and while he said I couldn't get the sacrament of confession's grace since I wasn't baptized he would bless me and try to help me out. December through January I was attending Weekday Masses and being a sunday school teacher at a very protestant church and I dropped the title protestant from myself. Then came February. My priest revealed to me his belief that any person who follows their religion, no matter what it was, if they are good they are saved regardless of Jesus Christ being their personal savior. I was shaken to the core yet again. I stopped talking to him and stopped attending Mass. I thought the RCC held to Truth at this point.
Spring 2018
I could subtitle this past semester in two words "Why, God?" My position within Bridges International changed this semester to Vice President and we were finally going to have real Bible Studies with the students. We did just that and I started to feel better about my Protestant life. I was still very much an anti-Calvinist kinda Christian and thought Calvinists were pure wrong despite the majority of my protestant friends being reformed Baptist. Well I was still a Sunday School Teacher and started attending Cru prayer meetings as well as my Bridges meeting and regular Cru meetings. I had to iron out any bit of remaining Catholicism and I would regularly talk down on the beliefs throughout the semester. Despite THIS God brought a new friend into my life. We met in a Biology Lab and hung out every Thursday and were fast friends. She was Catholic. I pretended to my other friends that she didn't exist and would just shush away the rumors that grew that I was dating a new girl (we would walk up to town and buy a donut together and walk to the bookstore discussing so may different things. Plus we were both in relationships so there wasn't any worry of us slipping up and we both stayed completely platonic and clean around each other. I then went to Holy Thursday Mass and Good Friday Mass with her. The priest recognized me and was very kind to me but I still never went back. Not long afterwards my girlfriend and I broke up (April). My family had been kicked out of the local TSA church and me and her realized we had nothing in common other than TSA. When this happened I stopped going with my family to church almost completely. I'd still go to church but they'd be random churches. I almost grew complacent and just attended a nice congregation that didn't go deep into God's Word and let me feel good. That break up ruined me. Towards the end of the semester (May 20-something) I realized that my Catholic friend and I hadn't met up for a few weeks and since it was finals week I messaged her to see how she was one evening and she invited me to her dorm since her friend had left for home already. We found out that both of us had broken up with out SO's on the exact same day without even realizing it. We talked for a couple hours before realizing that a storm had started outside. She offered to let me sleep on her friends bed for the night. I thanked her profusely but we stayed up even longer and listened to Disney songs. (DON'T DO THIS WITH A PRETTY GIRL). I don't know why, but I kissed her She kissed me back and we admitted that we liked each other but we both knew/know that it can't work. She's a practicing Catholic and I'm sorta kinda a Protestant. We talked until we fell asleep, fully clothed, but woke up realizing that I was holding her in my arms. I woke her up and apologized and swore that I didn't mean to fall asleep with her but she just smiled and said she fell asleep after I did. That next day I felt horrible. We talked a bit before I went back to my apartment. I prayed for forgiveness and felt the need to talk to my closest friend, the worship leader for Cru. I told him that me and a catholic girl liked each other but I didn't go into detail. He explained to me the whole unequally yoked stuff and I agreed. At this point I thought I knew RCC was wrong. I started going to a PCA Presbyterian Church the next Sunday (I've grown to appreciate Calvinism a lot more) and have been going since then. I love the Church family there and have been asked to go through membership classes. This brings me to my Summer troubles.
I want to be Baptized. So I took the membership notebook study guide and began to pour over it. Of course now is the time when all my Catholic thoughts get pushed into my mind. I had to be honest to a new friend from my new church by telling him that had I gone to a conservative parish I would be a catechumen right now. I know God is calling me to further study His Word and Him. I delight now in reading everyday from the Bible and listening to sermons all the time for my free time
I just don't know what God wants me to do. I love the Lord my God with all my Heart Mind and Soul and want to devote every fiber of my being to me but does He intend for me to cross the Tiber or uphold the Westminster.
If I became Catholic I'd lose all of my friends and possibly my Family. I'd lose the ministry I have with Bridges. And that Catholic girl has not talked to me since that day and she never leaves my mind. I have another two months before I go back to University for my senior year. I want to go to Seminary afterwards to study Theology. But am I really a Protestant? Or am I a closet Catholic?
Thank you for reading my long post and may God bless you!
Soli Deo Gloria!
Spring 2017 (19 Years Old)
I was a solder in the Salvation Army and was on the path to go to Officer's Training (Seminary for TSA). I was happy and yet didn't realize how little of my faith I knew. I had been raised in a Southern Baptist (Free Will kind) and in the Salvation Army and my family had been attending TSA for the past two years despite having hopped back and forth in my youth.
Summer 2017 (19-20 YO)
I worked at a summer camp and started dating a girl I thought I'd marry. She also felt called into TSA officership (The salvation Army ordains women and men together as couples) and we, like the children we are, sinned out of our lusts of the flesh. Oh God forgive me! After the summer camp we continued our relationship as a long distance relationship but we still sinned throughout. The end of summer I became my TSA church's high school Sunday school teacher. I still felt like everything was going fine.
Fall 2017 (20 YO)
My Junior year of my undergraduate degree in International Studies began and I had to take a course in World Religions. I was ready to defend my faith in debates and papers I thought to myself. I had to purchase a new Bible, the Buddhist Scriptures, one of the Hindu Scripture books, and a Quran. I had an opportunity to truly study other people's beliefs. Little did I know I'd need to study my own. My teacher announced himself as a Roman Catholic (it's a secular university) and he promised not to try and convert people. I scoffed in my mind. No one would ever do that. The RCC is a dead relic of the past full of nonsense is what I pictured. I was also learning Japanese and was the Treasurer of a brand new organization (new to my campus) called Bridges International. I was very excited but we didn't quite start giving them the Gospel at this point. By November my World Religions class made it to Christianity where I had heard about Eastern Orthodoxy for the first time. I noticed similar claims from them that I did the RCC but I got intrigued by the similarity and immediately started to read the book of Acts. I was living in an Apartment up by my University but would go home for church with my family so I could still follow my goals as an officer of the TSA. Studying Acts however, gave me doubts. So much talk of Baptism but TSA doesn't practice any sacraments. Not even communion let alone Baptism. That was the first time I ever saw an issue with what I was teaching. I started a new study in my Sunday school class on Church History to mirror what I was learning. I started with Christians in general and gave a choppy overview of Acts and then went on to explain John Wesley a bit and then William Booth (the Methodist pastor who started TSA). That WR class further challenged my long held beliefs by telling me the Apostles Creed. I didn't know what Creeds were let alone that they existed. I immediately did some quick research and picked up a book from the library on the Nicean Council. I was sold. I emailed the nearest EO church (an hour away and I can't drive) about my various questions. Then came the assignment that fully shattered my identity as a Protestant and future Officer in TSA. We were told in the end of November that if we attended a religious service other than our own and wrote a one page paper on it we could get extra credit. I tried to find a way to the EO Church but couldn't get one. So I gave in. I still hated the RCC, or what I thought it was, but I went to a Saturday Night Mass anyway and was in awestruck wonder. They read more scripture than I had ever heard. They recited the Nicean Creed. They (I think I remember right) recited the Our Father prayer. I did the paper and initially said I would never go again. I went to the Tuesday Morning Mass the very next week of course and that same day had my first of many two hour+ long meetings with the Priest. He was very liberal (I'm pretty conservative on most things asides from the Death Penalty) but his ability to teach was profound. I was hooked.
Winter 2017-2018
I continued being the Sunday School teacher at the TSA but I was also regularly attending Weekday Masses. Me and my girlfriend were still dating and we met up after Christmas for a week and sinned yet again. I wasn't fully convicted of said sin. January 2018 however I would tell the Priest (who had become a great friend) of my sins and while he said I couldn't get the sacrament of confession's grace since I wasn't baptized he would bless me and try to help me out. December through January I was attending Weekday Masses and being a sunday school teacher at a very protestant church and I dropped the title protestant from myself. Then came February. My priest revealed to me his belief that any person who follows their religion, no matter what it was, if they are good they are saved regardless of Jesus Christ being their personal savior. I was shaken to the core yet again. I stopped talking to him and stopped attending Mass. I thought the RCC held to Truth at this point.
Spring 2018
I could subtitle this past semester in two words "Why, God?" My position within Bridges International changed this semester to Vice President and we were finally going to have real Bible Studies with the students. We did just that and I started to feel better about my Protestant life. I was still very much an anti-Calvinist kinda Christian and thought Calvinists were pure wrong despite the majority of my protestant friends being reformed Baptist. Well I was still a Sunday School Teacher and started attending Cru prayer meetings as well as my Bridges meeting and regular Cru meetings. I had to iron out any bit of remaining Catholicism and I would regularly talk down on the beliefs throughout the semester. Despite THIS God brought a new friend into my life. We met in a Biology Lab and hung out every Thursday and were fast friends. She was Catholic. I pretended to my other friends that she didn't exist and would just shush away the rumors that grew that I was dating a new girl (we would walk up to town and buy a donut together and walk to the bookstore discussing so may different things. Plus we were both in relationships so there wasn't any worry of us slipping up and we both stayed completely platonic and clean around each other. I then went to Holy Thursday Mass and Good Friday Mass with her. The priest recognized me and was very kind to me but I still never went back. Not long afterwards my girlfriend and I broke up (April). My family had been kicked out of the local TSA church and me and her realized we had nothing in common other than TSA. When this happened I stopped going with my family to church almost completely. I'd still go to church but they'd be random churches. I almost grew complacent and just attended a nice congregation that didn't go deep into God's Word and let me feel good. That break up ruined me. Towards the end of the semester (May 20-something) I realized that my Catholic friend and I hadn't met up for a few weeks and since it was finals week I messaged her to see how she was one evening and she invited me to her dorm since her friend had left for home already. We found out that both of us had broken up with out SO's on the exact same day without even realizing it. We talked for a couple hours before realizing that a storm had started outside. She offered to let me sleep on her friends bed for the night. I thanked her profusely but we stayed up even longer and listened to Disney songs. (DON'T DO THIS WITH A PRETTY GIRL). I don't know why, but I kissed her She kissed me back and we admitted that we liked each other but we both knew/know that it can't work. She's a practicing Catholic and I'm sorta kinda a Protestant. We talked until we fell asleep, fully clothed, but woke up realizing that I was holding her in my arms. I woke her up and apologized and swore that I didn't mean to fall asleep with her but she just smiled and said she fell asleep after I did. That next day I felt horrible. We talked a bit before I went back to my apartment. I prayed for forgiveness and felt the need to talk to my closest friend, the worship leader for Cru. I told him that me and a catholic girl liked each other but I didn't go into detail. He explained to me the whole unequally yoked stuff and I agreed. At this point I thought I knew RCC was wrong. I started going to a PCA Presbyterian Church the next Sunday (I've grown to appreciate Calvinism a lot more) and have been going since then. I love the Church family there and have been asked to go through membership classes. This brings me to my Summer troubles.
I want to be Baptized. So I took the membership notebook study guide and began to pour over it. Of course now is the time when all my Catholic thoughts get pushed into my mind. I had to be honest to a new friend from my new church by telling him that had I gone to a conservative parish I would be a catechumen right now. I know God is calling me to further study His Word and Him. I delight now in reading everyday from the Bible and listening to sermons all the time for my free time
I just don't know what God wants me to do. I love the Lord my God with all my Heart Mind and Soul and want to devote every fiber of my being to me but does He intend for me to cross the Tiber or uphold the Westminster.
If I became Catholic I'd lose all of my friends and possibly my Family. I'd lose the ministry I have with Bridges. And that Catholic girl has not talked to me since that day and she never leaves my mind. I have another two months before I go back to University for my senior year. I want to go to Seminary afterwards to study Theology. But am I really a Protestant? Or am I a closet Catholic?
Thank you for reading my long post and may God bless you!
Soli Deo Gloria!
