Why is online dating so dissapointing, so discouraging

TrueBornAgain · Aug 27, 2017

Don't get me wrong I think a wish list is great but from what I notice from my experiences in Christian online dating and regular online dating (before I was saved) is, there's too much focus is on finding someone to exactly suit their life the way it is single, rather than embracing trust in God's plan and looking a bit beyond themselves. I hope this bursts some unrealistic bubbles as I think they abound ! I say that wanting the best for all.

I joined a site that is claiming it's run by Christians, at least I don't get their sister sites invitations to join them like I did a non christian site which would send me non godly messages to join their wanton and immoral sites ! But my point is still on the Christian owned site, its much the same !

The amount of woman I've written to and never write back is disappointing, you may have written a page to reply to a wink or another preformed free message they sent you because they are cheapskates, then they don't even have the honor to write back and tell you why they don't wish to be friends, that may be the norm now in the fast paced world but it's not right. Some of this is because some people don't want to pay to reply so they just read and ignore you, hoping the next is the prince charming they dream of, and perhaps they say then I'll subscribe, if the perfect man comes along, who knows ??

Perhaps a lot of this behavior is the product of hefty membership fees in part, but also a society diseased with rudeness and ignorance, not to mention unrealistic expectations.

Then there's all the old redundant profiles the site keep to make you think there's more members, many sites are just money traps and the drive to connect husband and wife is secondary.

But beyond all of that I think most woman and surely some men too, are just too fussy in all types of dating, they could miss the two angels God sent them because they believe too much in the fairy tale partner is going to come along next and it never does, and after a while perhaps God gives up sending the angels disguised as humans with faults and all, and so many many people stay lonely and miserable. So sadly most peoples expectations are just too high of themselves, in this self centered narcissistic world. It's the middle ground where people find true love, and those who have found it had to be humble and make the odd trade off, who is foolish enough to believe they can have it all LOL

Tomorrow is based on how we treat people today and so is God's judgement, the internet may have sped up the pace of communication, but are we communicating in a quality way, that God would be happy with ? I guess that's why I came here to discuss this, as I know people here do care and will hopefully tell me I'm not the only one feeling this way ?

I pray everyone who desires to share their life with somebody special will find them and be able to see their real gifts and just how valuable they really are, and what could be done together to glorify God, not just their self image and ego.

EGO = Edging God Out !

God Bless

friend of · Aug 27, 2017

IDK. One would think online dating would be the easiest thing in the world. I approached dating sites in the past as I approached the novelty of hanging out with a stranger seeking the same happiness we'd all love to enjoy with someone special. But people are very fussy and things. Even online, people are pathologically inhibited in expressing themselves. Socializing never used to be this stupid.

I imagined it would be like speed dating. You'd spend a few hours chatting up various people and arranging quick little hangouts throughout the week (like 1-2 hours or so, longer if you like eachother) and slam-dunk win-win. You get to hang and meet a new person and learn new things and just be enriched by another human being, not to mention, sharing God in a godless world with another brother/sister in Christ.

But no. Of course not. This is why we can't have nice things in the 21st century. Worst century evur.

TrueBornAgain · Aug 28, 2017

friend of said:
pathologically inhibited in expressing themselves

Yes, you can say that again !

timewerx · Aug 28, 2017

TrueBornAgain said:
The amount of woman I've written to and never write back is disappointing, you may have written a page to reply to a wink or another preformed free message they sent you because they are cheapskates, then they don't even have the honor to write back and tell you why they don't wish to be friends, that may be the norm now in the fast paced world but it's not right. Some of this is because some people don't want to pay to reply so they just read and ignore you, hoping the next is the prince charming they dream of, and perhaps they say then I'll subscribe, if the perfect man comes along, who knows ??

I think you have wrong expectation of online dating sites, Christian site or not.

If women don't respond to you, the reason is usually, they don't have time to reply to you in kind or they already found someone else they think is more compatible with them. It doesn't mean you're less of a man. It simply means the right woman for you hasn't seen your profile yet.

Don't take it as offense. We still live in a democracy and the freedom to choose who we like to date or invest time. Of course, not everyone we like might also like us in return. It takes mutual attraction/interests to get a date.

exitstageright · Aug 28, 2017

timewerx said:
I think you have wrong expectation of online dating sites, Christian site or not.

If women don't respond to you, the reason is usually, they don't have time to reply to you in kind or they already found someone else more interesting.

Don't take it as offense. We still live in a democracy and the freedom to choose who we like to date or invest time.

As an actor,I have learned how to take rejection well. If an actor gets one job out of ten auditions,one is considered lucky.It (rejection) is not because you are a bad actor. It is because you are not the type that the Casting Director,(the one that does the hiring),is looking for.

So,even though women tell me that I am a great guy,I must not be the type of man that most women are looking for. And,in the past two months,I have had three acting jobs.Therefore,I have better luck getting an acting job,which is difficult,than getting a woman,who has her act together, to accept me.
There is no problem for me getting a woman,who will accept me,that just wants a Sugar Daddy. My purpose in life is not to rescue a poor woman from poverty.
My name is not Sir Lancelot.

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

They're more or less terrible unless you're outgoing or you're into that trying a bunch of different people stuff. I've been on one or two "dates" from online sites and I didn't like them.

I would say if you go on such and such sites (one of them is short as 'POF') the really attractive girls outnumber the less attractive quite a bit. And I am pretty sure the really attractive women on that site get absolutely bombarded with messages and passes.

My last girlfriend (who I was with for almost 2 years) actually reached out to me on Facebook out of the blue - similar to online dating site but not quite. I think a friend of a friend sort of things made me pop up on her possible friends list and she contacted me via PM.

In general the entire thing is so terrible I have almost given up on online dating sites. If the Lord wants me to have a woman - the RIGHT woman - I guess it will just happen in due time. I'm 37 years old now and for the first time since my breakup with my ex feel the "clock" ticking. I'm kind of scared I'll never meet a decent/right woman.

Like I said, if Jesus wants me to have the right one, she will come along. It will be at church, or at a thrift store, or a laundrymat or a friend of a friend...but I sort of have given up on that whole illusion.

timewerx · Aug 28, 2017

exitstageright said:
As an actor,I have learned how to take rejection well. If an actor gets one job out of ten auditions,one is considered lucky.It (rejection) is not because you are a bad actor. It is because you are not the type that the Casting Director,(the one that does the hiring),is looking for.

So,even though women tell me that I am a great guy,I must not be the type of man that most women are looking for. And,in the past two months,I have had three acting jobs.Therefore,I have better luck getting an acting job,which is difficult,than getting a woman,who has her act together, to accept me.
There is no problem for me getting a woman,who will accept me,that just wants a Sugar Daddy. My purpose in life is not to rescue a poor woman from poverty.
My name is not Sir Lancelot.

What I said back there didn't sound right so I have to edit it.

That's a very good advice you've given there. I have also met rejection countless times in other things so maybe I have also become desensitized to rejection.

So you're an actor too. Is it a hobby or you actually get paid out of it?

TrueBornAgain · Aug 28, 2017

timewerx said:
I think you have wrong expectation of online dating sites, Christian site or not.

If women don't respond to you, the reason is usually, they don't have time to reply to you in kind or they already found someone else they think is more compatible with them. It doesn't mean you're less of a man. It simply means the right woman for you hasn't seen your profile yet.

Don't take it as offense. We still live in a democracy and the freedom to choose who we like to date or invest time. Of course, not everyone we like might also like us in return. It takes mutual attraction/interests to get a date.

Firstly it's not taking offense to be disappointing in the results of my good efforts, but I could understand if someone was offended. It's the nature of modern day social skills and society that offends me though. We live in a corrupted democracy but politics are besides the point, and if they choose to ignore perhaps they are the looser, that's the way I look at it, I embrace friends and friendliness. It annoys me when people try and discount the understandings of people who do actually understand the reasons why, like the world is fine and it's your problem this is happening, no the world is broken and people are too. That's another symptom in the same direction, people have trouble listening, just wish to offer their mechanical answers, it does go deeper than the surface.

I can accept being single for ever but I know it's not God's plan and we need to work at it and put in effort, I'm actually looking fro friends before anything and that's how I've approached online dating.

When you read someones profile and you see something in common, it's natural to offer a friendly introduction. If it is as you suggest they have found someone or too busy, then respectively they need to remove profile, or write 4 words "Sorry I'm too busy"

I am wise enough to know there's much more to it, some people are happier lonely and single and while there's hundreds and hundreds of reasons why Online dating dosen't work so well, it shows us how broken society is socially that dating has become so impersonal, there's no dance at the hall on a saturday night when people are so obsessed with career and paying taxes and bills and credit cards etc

I haven't given up though, and for the most part when you live as isolated as I do then it's worth a try. I completely trust the Lord is working on connecting me with my Wife to be, at 43 I certainly pray He is. Another point is we all have so much to offer but some people are happier miserable in their over- expectations and I'm sure 'a big part of it.

I'm not sure I feel rejected, I feel the world dosent value the sacred truth of people though, and people pass eachother by with out batting an eyelid, and God may be saying you two could be great friends, we have become too mechanical and tunnel visioned, and it all comes with a dire cost to Humanity !

Oh and if it is still a democracy I have the right to be disappointed hehe ! I will think of how I can use the disappointment in a positive way though.

“It's a great game - the pursuit of happiness.”
― Eugene O'Neill

“Man's loneliness is but his fear of life.”
― Eugene O'Neill

thanks for all the feedback

TrueBornAgain · Aug 28, 2017

ESK said:
They're more or less terrible unless you're outgoing or you're into that trying a bunch of different people stuff. I've been on one or two "dates" from online sites and I didn't like them.

I would say if you go on such and such sites (one of them is short as 'POF') the really attractive girls outnumber the less attractive quite a bit. And I am pretty sure the really attractive women on that site get absolutely bombarded with messages and passes.

My last girlfriend (who I was with for almost 2 years) actually reached out to me on Facebook out of the blue - similar to online dating site but not quite. I think a friend of a friend sort of things made me pop up on her possible friends list and she contacted me via PM.

In general the entire thing is so terrible I have almost given up on online dating sites. If the Lord wants me to have a woman - the RIGHT woman - I guess it will just happen in due time. I'm 37 years old now and for the first time since my breakup with my ex feel the "clock" ticking. I'm kind of scared I'll never meet a decent/right woman.

Like I said, if Jesus wants me to have the right one, she will come along. It will be at church, or at a thrift store, or a laundrymat or a friend of a friend...but I sort of have given up on that whole illusion.

I hear you brother but never give up, think of happy and secure you can make the right woman and how much joy it will be to have your family with her if that's your dream. I believe we need to first visualize this and then pray. Prayers for you

timewerx · Aug 28, 2017

TrueBornAgain said:
We live in a corrupted democracy but politics are besides the point, and if they choose to ignore perhaps they are the looser, that's the way I look at it, I embrace friends and friendliness. It annoys me when people try and discount the understandings of people who do actually understand the reasons why, like the world is fine and it's your problem this is happening, no the world is broken and people are too. That's another symptom in the same direction, people have trouble listening, just wish to offer their mechanical answers, it does go deeper than the surface.

We think the same but I seldom talk about my opinions. The vast majority of people don't care. You'll probably cover more ground by start doing something now than wait for someone to agree with you.

I can accept being single for ever but I know it's not God's plan and we need to work at it and put in effort, I'm actually looking fro friends before anything and that's how I've approached online dating.

Jesus was single, many of His disciples were single.

I'm sure being single CAN also be God's plan.

When you read someones profile and you see something in common, it's natural to offer a friendly introduction. If it is as you suggest they have found someone or too busy, then respectively they need to remove profile, or write 4 words "Sorry I'm too busy"

Probably not normal in online dating.

It's much more common to just say "hi" to start a conversation. This is my experience with women who finds me interesting enough and they initiate conversation. They simply start with "hi" and I check them out and their profile. If I also find them interesting then I talk to them.

It's probably not a good idea to say things the other person can already find in your profile, save it for later when you two finally connect.... This isn't a job hunt...And simply saying "hi" or one-liner phrase will save you a lot of time.

I am wise enough to know there's much more to it, some people are happier lonely and single and while there's hundreds and hundreds of reasons why Online dating dosen't work so well, it shows us how broken society is socially that dating has become so impersonal, there's no dance at the hall on a saturday night when people are so obsessed with career and paying taxes and bills and credit cards etc

We actually have singles here that is successful with online dating and found their long term relationship. Common sites I heard are OKC and Plenty of Fish.

I'm not sure I feel rejected, I feel the world dosent value the sacred truth of people though, and people pass eachother by with out batting an eyelid, and God may be saying you two could be great friends, we have become too mechanical and tunnel visioned, and it all comes with a dire cost to Humanity!

If between the same sex, you're probably right. But between the opposite sex, there's actually more at stake than just common interests or compatible personalities.

It's more complicated in reality. Did you know that in married couples, it is interesting to note that the couples often look like each other as if they are siblings? It has something to do with your biological functioning.

Try looking up women who resemble you and you might improve your chances.

You should also try updating/edit your profile regularly so it always get listed as active and probably on top of searches.

Citanul · Aug 28, 2017

timewerx said:
It's much more common to just say "hi" to start a conversation. This is my experience with women who finds me interesting enough and they initiate conversation. They simply start with "hi" and I check them out and their profile. If I also find them interesting then I talk to them.

It's probably not a good idea to say things the other person can already find in your profile, save it for later when you two finally connect.... This isn't a job hunt...And simply saying "hi" or one-liner phrase will save you a lot of time.

Actually, just saying "Hi" on a dating site is not recommended. Women generally get a lot of messages, far more than men do, so they're far more likely to respond to a message that shows that the sender has actually taken the time to read their profile and put some thought into the message rather than simply a drive-by message which they've probably seen plenty of in the past. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will respond to a more detailed message, but chances definitely are better.

And it also gives them something to respond to. I generally don't reply to messages like "Hi", partly because they tend to be from women I'm not all that interested in, but also because it gives me nothing to work with. Simply saying "Hi" back isn't really getting a conversation started, but what else should the reply be?

timewerx · Aug 28, 2017

Citanul said:
And it also gives them something to respond to. I generally don't reply to messages like "Hi", partly because they tend to be from women I'm not all that interested in, but also because it gives me nothing to work with. Simply saying "Hi" back isn't really getting a conversation started, but what else should the reply be?

You don't reply to "hi"?

You're supposed to read their profile and work your reply from there and hopefully, they reply back with more words.

That's how you get to know them. A "hi" opening don't say much. A woman either doesn't have time to prepare elaborate and custom write ups for each man and or maybe they don't like to sound like a creep.

Left · Aug 28, 2017

I write "Hey, how are you today?"

How are you today > How are you > Hi

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

OP, I don't mean to pry or anything, but, are you good looking?

If you don't have a sort of look it might also be why women do not approach/ask/engage with you.

I mean that with all due respect.

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

Unfortunately that is the world we live in - and let's be honest, we, as men, usually notice/are more inclined/want to be with a woman that is good looking. I know I do.

Left · Aug 28, 2017

Online dating is part being okay looking, and part being smooth and knowing the tricks like that if you view a lot of girls' profiles, they will often receive notifications that you viewed them, and you will get messages when some of them view yours. Overall, this is faster than messaging.

Left · Aug 28, 2017

Here's another trick. Write in your profile "I rarely message first, so you may just have to message me." This creates intrigue and urgency, and the replies from women who read your profile will increase at least 50%.

MustardSeeed · Aug 28, 2017

I completely agree with you TrueBornAgain,

I feel like I can't do online dating. I am aware that people have met genuine people through online dating but it seems like it's full of shallow men and women. It's just like the online version of "the world". How many people actually READ the description that the person they are "interested" in has written? It's more like ... I'm attracted to you let's see if we match. Although that works for other people, it doesn't work for me. Mostly because I can't just look at a person and feel attracted to them. I can appreciate their looks if they are attractive but I still wouldn't consider a relationship with them just because they're nice to look at. I need to have a strong emotional connection/know the person/be friends before I can even think about a relationship/what I'm getting myself into. I don't see that happening for me personally through online dating... it's just too quick, impersonal, and "next!" for my liking

To me, you only get one shot at marriage. I want to make sure it's with someone who shares the same interests and beliefs as me. That's more important than checking off items on a list. I mean, not to say you need to marry someone you're not attracted to, but we all experience attraction differently

Maybe try eHarmony? I've heard that website is legit. If all else fails and I resort to online dating, I would join there. Otherwise, most people seem to meet their SO's through mutual friends, events, church, etc.

Divide · Aug 28, 2017

I'm on the market. I was married for 26 years and then she jumped ship. I've never koined a dating site and probably wont. I'm pretty good looking and have never had a problem meeting girls, and I find it a little far fetched or optimistic to think a dating site will bring you a good woman.

I could be wrong I suppose but I have no experience with them. It is so easy to misunderstand when writing online because there's very little real communication. (They say that the spoken word accounts for aproxx 6 to 7% of communication.) The rest is body language and feedback. Voice tone, inference and personal energy. There's none of that online.

I suspect that many of the women on dating sites are fishing. The grass is always greener and all that. Looking for something better, and if they're good looking then they may be using their looks to manipulate their way into a more secure situation for themselves.

I actually think that there's a lot less gold diggers than men think there are, out there. Traditional gender roles are that men are the providers and women the caregivers. Women are hard wired to be attracted to security, so if given a choice between two equally gook looking men, but one is in a significantly better financial situation than the other, he will get the girl. That doesn't necessarily mean that she's a gold digger, it's a natural inclination.

But! Some women are actively going for more money and will marry anyone with more money just for the money and love doesn't have anything to do with it. These are the dangerous women. I suspect that many online girls are doing this very thing.Again, I've no experience with dating sites, so I'm really guessing. o offense to anyone and especially the girls who may be reading.

I'd like to be married again, i miss being married. But I'm in no hurry. I have bigger fish to fry because time is short. Scripture says, seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God...and all this will be added unto you. God will give you the desires of your heart if you obey and ask Him.

Divide · Aug 28, 2017

Women outnumber the men worldwide, by a significant margin, because half the guys are gay, many die faster than women for various reasons, and some are just buttheads. So there's a lot of competition out there between women. Little wonder than many are dressing up like tropical fish to be able to be noticed and stand out a bit. Most men seem to think that women are the commodity and hopefully they can get her da da da. No way. Men are the prized commodity because they're fewer of us. Don't forget that.

I seem to get get approached by women quite a bit, always have. After I was divorced and took off my ring, it did slow down a bit and I found this quite curious. The ring says at least one woman wants him so he may be good.

Why is online dating so dissapointing, so discouraging

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