I've lost my faith in Christianity

ArmanA

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Hello everyone, my name is Arman I just signed up today to express some grief over my loss of faith. I grew up in a relatively low spirtual praise family. My family is Armenian, however, we never worshipped God or lived for him. When i discovered i had to live for him i became a sort of radical Christian. My parents began to hate me for that. I lost it officially on July 17, 2017 then after 5 days I tried to get back into it for like two weeks but I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like i was forcing myself to try and like it but I just couldn't you know.
The one thing that caused my loss of faith was the stress that I was put under, I couldn't handle it. Every thought had to be monitored, I needed to keep track of what I watched and what I read, and the people I hung out with. It caused me to get anxieties and even depression even more than what I had before I accepted Christianity, I was also over-thinking alot. I constantly worried about others and their sins and them being condemned to hell and was afraid I was lukewarm if I wasn't doing enough for Christ, I was driven to the point where I was justing wondering what the point of life was anymore. Another thing I noticed was when I was in my religious phase I wasn't getting any girls. It like I was blocking them off with brain signals or they sensed my stress. Then when I stopped believing all of a sudden I started noticing more beautiful girls around me, it's like they sensed that my mind was clear and I got more confidence. Overall my Chrisitian experince lasted 6 monthes. I'm more agnostic now, both atheists and Christians have very good points but I just can't believe one or the other. I hope I could return to Christianity one day, but until then I just don't know anymore.
 

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Hello everyone, my name is Arman I just signed up today to express some grief over my loss of faith. I grew up in a relatively low spirtual praise family. My family is Armenian, however, we never worshipped God or lived for him. When i discovered i had to live for him i became a sort of radical Christian. My parents began to hate me for that. I lost it officially on July 17, 2017 then after 5 days I tried to get back into it for like two weeks but I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like i was forcing myself to try and like it but I just couldn't you know.
The one thing that caused my loss of faith was the stress that I was put under, I couldn't handle it. Every thought had to be monitored, I needed to keep track of what I watched and what I read, and the people I hung out with. It caused me to get anxieties and even depression even more than what I had before I accepted Christianity, I was also over-thinking alot. I constantly worried about others and their sins and them being condemned to hell and was afraid I was lukewarm if I wasn't doing enough for Christ, I was driven to the point where I was justing wondering what the point of life was anymore. Another thing I noticed was when I was in my religious phase I wasn't getting any girls. It like I was blocking them off with brain signals or they sensed my stress. Then when I stopped believing all of a sudden I started noticing more beautiful girls around me, it's like they sensed that my mind was clear and I got more confidence. Overall my Chrisitian experince lasted 6 monthes. I'm more agnostic now, both atheists and Christians have very good points but I just can't believe one or the other. I hope I could return to Christianity one day, but until then I just don't know anymore.

Arman, a very warm welcome to CF

0A Jesus.jpg
 
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rockytopva

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Welcome... If E = mc2 then we can divide and conclude that...

Mass (m) = Energy (E/c2)

And there are three varieties...

Natural E/c2 - All mass is basically cooled plasma
Mental E/c2 - Mentally, A mathematical formula, but this has chemical and spiritual properties as well.
Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy)

The forces of spiritual light and energy are of great value to anyone who embraces it. It is too bad, that since this is neither material or intellectual, that it has been overlooked by so many Christians in time. I am currently working on a YouTube devotion on the old Saint, RS Sheffey. After chapel at Emory and Henry one day, at the end of the month, he could not wait to trudge his way to the mountain peak, for his soul felt full and the morning sermon had opened his eyes to something. The minister had preached long and eloquently. His theme was that most of mankind did not respond to the call of God because they did not feel His lovingkindness. After this message he received his calling for ministry.

It is important to feel the spiritual properties of God as well as the intellectual and material.
 
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ArmanA

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rockytopva I've always wanted to looked at God in a more scientific way. I mean I just don't understand it being faith only. I want to incorporate knowledge too. But the Apostle Paul stated in one of his letters avoid knowledge. So I'm at a stand still for now.
 
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rockytopva

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rockytopva I've always wanted to looked at God in a more scientific way. I mean I just don't understand it being faith only. I want to incorporate knowledge too. But the Apostle Paul stated in one of his letters avoid knowledge. So I'm at a stand still for now.

Well... He said that knowledge puffeth up but charity edifieth... (1 Corinthians 8:1)

Plato's Meno is a dialogue in which Socrates and Meno discuss human virtue: whether or not it can be taught, whether it is shared by all human beings, and whether it is one quality or many.

After discussion with Anytus, Socrates and Meno return to the subject of whether Virtue can be taught. "To sum up our enquiry," Socrates concludes, "the result seems to be that virtue is neither natural nor acquired, but an instinct given by God to the virtuous."

I would say, then, that there are two different things here...

Mental E/c2 - Knowledge
Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy) - Virtue

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: - Ephesians 1:3

It is very much needful that we are blessed with, "all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ Jesus."

In the case that these spiritual blessings are not with us, I would recommend studying those who have succeeded by applying faith, hope, charity, and motivation to their ministry and careers. Sometimes this is all we have.
 
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rockytopva

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rockytopva I've always wanted to looked at God in a more scientific way. I mean I just don't understand it being faith only. I want to incorporate knowledge too. But the Apostle Paul stated in one of his letters avoid knowledge. So I'm at a stand still for now.

I would also point out that since the...

Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy) - Virtue

Is not knowledge or material, therefore it is free for all to receive. You can hope, dream, think big, plan, have motivation, and love free of charge and without being taught it. If you ever observed kids at play, they may be playing with something very small, but in their imagination it is very big. And they are enjoying what they are doing, even though it is not reality, as much as it was reality. It is important to keep the spiritual things rolling along, even though reality suggests otherwise.
 
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Bluerose31

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Hello everyone, my name is Arman I just signed up today to express some grief over my loss of faith. I grew up in a relatively low spirtual praise family. My family is Armenian, however, we never worshipped God or lived for him. When i discovered i had to live for him i became a sort of radical Christian. My parents began to hate me for that. I lost it officially on July 17, 2017 then after 5 days I tried to get back into it for like two weeks but I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like i was forcing myself to try and like it but I just couldn't you know.
The one thing that caused my loss of faith was the stress that I was put under, I couldn't handle it. Every thought had to be monitored, I needed to keep track of what I watched and what I read, and the people I hung out with. It caused me to get anxieties and even depression even more than what I had before I accepted Christianity, I was also over-thinking alot. I constantly worried about others and their sins and them being condemned to hell and was afraid I was lukewarm if I wasn't doing enough for Christ, I was driven to the point where I was justing wondering what the point of life was anymore. Another thing I noticed was when I was in my religious phase I wasn't getting any girls. It like I was blocking them off with brain signals or they sensed my stress. Then when I stopped believing all of a sudden I started noticing more beautiful girls around me, it's like they sensed that my mind was clear and I got more confidence. Overall my Chrisitian experince lasted 6 monthes. I'm more agnostic now, both atheists and Christians have very good points but I just can't believe one or the other. I hope I could return to Christianity one day, but until then I just don't know anymore.
Arman I am sorry you have had so many struggles. I know God loves you still. Something that might help you is that I don't believe hell is real. I don't believe a loving God would send anyone to hell. It helped me to trust God more knowing he would not send anyone to hell. Be blessed and may God show you his love and comfort.
 
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ArmanA

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Rockytopva thanks for that information man, I mean knowledge should be of use somewhere in the Christian faith. I've noticed that those who are supposedly atheist who have been seen to have higher knowledge than others such as Thomas Edison or Nikolai Tesla have recognized a higher force that acts upon the world.
 
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Hello Arman welcome to CF

If you are looking for thought-provoking discussions and debate you might want to check out Theology or the Discussion and Debate forums.

While you are exploring CF, you will find that there are categories which consist of specific, topic-based forums. There are only two categories, Theology and Edification, which are for Christian members only. The remaining categories are open to all members. Please note that some of the forums have threads which are stuck to the top of the page. These are known as "sticky threads" and they usually contain information relevant to that specific forum.
 
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Joe Fizz

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Welcome... If E = mc2 then we can divide and conclude that...

Mass (m) = Energy (E/c2)

And there are three varieties...

Natural E/c2 - All mass is basically cooled plasma
Mental E/c2 - Mentally, A mathematical formula, but this has chemical and spiritual properties as well.
Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy)

The forces of spiritual light and energy are of great value to anyone who embraces it. It is too bad, that since this is neither material or intellectual, that it has been overlooked by so many Christians in time. I am currently working on a YouTube devotion on the old Saint, RS Sheffey. After chapel at Emory and Henry one day, at the end of the month, he could not wait to trudge his way to the mountain peak, for his soul felt full and the morning sermon had opened his eyes to something. The minister had preached long and eloquently. His theme was that most of mankind did not respond to the call of God because they did not feel His lovingkindness. After this message he received his calling for ministry.

It is important to feel the spiritual properties of God as well as the intellectual and material.
uhhhhhhh mr.popcorn why did you post this???
especially since it goes way over people's heads!
 
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Joe Fizz

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Well... He said that knowledge puffeth up but charity edifieth... (1 Corinthians 8:1)

Plato's Meno is a dialogue in which Socrates and Meno discuss human virtue: whether or not it can be taught, whether it is shared by all human beings, and whether it is one quality or many.

After discussion with Anytus, Socrates and Meno return to the subject of whether Virtue can be taught. "To sum up our enquiry," Socrates concludes, "the result seems to be that virtue is neither natural nor acquired, but an instinct given by God to the virtuous."

I would say, then, that there are two different things here...

Mental E/c2 - Knowledge
Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy) - Virtue

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: - Ephesians 1:3

It is very much needful that we are blessed with, "all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ Jesus."

In the case that these spiritual blessings are not with us, I would recommend studying those who have succeeded by applying faith, hope, charity, and motivation to their ministry and careers. Sometimes this is all we have.
ok this time I understood half your post mr.popcorn lol!
 
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rockytopva

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ok this time I understood half your post mr.popcorn lol!

OK... Then... For some old Southern energy and light... Here is a story whose professor first got religion in his head... And then... The old Southern way... Got it in his heart... Quoting the full testimony of George Clark Rankin...

"Grandfather was kind to me and considerate of me, yet he was strict with me. I worked along with him in the field when the weather was agreeable and when it was inclement I helped him in his hatter's shop, for the Civil War was in progress and he had returned at odd times to hatmaking. It was my business in the shop to stretch foxskins and coonskins across a wood-horse and with a knife, made for that purpose, pluck the hair from the fur. I despise the odor of foxskins and coonskins to this good day. He had me to walk two miles every Sunday to Dandridge to Church service and Sunday-school, rain or shine, wet or dry, cold or hot; yet he had fat horses standing in his stable. But he was such a blue-stocking Presbyterian that he never allowed a bridle to go on a horse's head on Sunday. The beasts had to have a day of rest. Old Doctor Minnis was the pastor, and he was the dryest and most interminable preacher I ever heard in my life. He would stand motionless and read his sermons from manuscript for one hour and a half at a time and sometimes longer. Grandfather would sit and never take his eyes off of him, except to glance at me to keep me quiet. It was torture to me." - George Clark Rankin

Then he got it good in the Methodist church in Georgia...

...Quote...

After the team had been fed and we had been to supper we put the mules to the wagon, filled it with chairs and we were off to the meeting. When we reached the locality it was about dark and the people were assembling. Their horses and wagons filled up the cleared spaces and the singing was already in progress. My uncle and his family went well up toward the front, but I dropped into a seat well to the rear. It was an old-fashioned Church, ancient in appearance, oblong in shape and unpretentious. It was situated in a grove about one hundred yards from the road. It was lighted with old tallow-dip candles furnished by the neighbors. It was not a prepossessing-looking place, but it was soon crowded and evidently there was a great deal of interest. A cadaverous-looking man stood up in front with a tuning fork and raised and led the songs. There were a few prayers and the minister came in with his saddlebags and entered the pulpit. He was the Rev. W. H. Heath, the circuit rider. His prayer impressed me with his earnestness and there were many amens to it in the audience. I do not remember his text, but it was a typical revival sermon, full of unction and power.

At its close he invited penitents to the altar and a great many young people flocked to it and bowed for prayer. Many of them became very much affected and they cried out distressingly for mercy. It had a strange effect on me. It made me nervous and I wanted to retire. Directly my uncle came back to me, put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I did not want to be religious. I told him that I had always had that desire, that mother had brought me up that way, and really I did not know anything else. Then he wanted to know if I had ever professed religion. I hardly understood what he meant and did not answer him. He changed his question and asked me if I had ever been to the altar for prayer, and I answered him in the negative. Then he earnestly besought me to let him take me up to the altar and join the others in being prayed for. It really embarrassed me and I hardly knew what to say to him. He spoke to me of my mother and said that when she was a little girl she went to the altar and that Christ accepted her and she had been a good Christian all these years. That touched me in a tender spot, for mother always did do what was right; and then I was far away from her and wanted to see her. Oh, if she were there to tell me what to do!

By and by I yielded to his entreaty and he led forward to the altar. The minister took me by the hand and spoke tenderly to me as I knelt at the altar. I had gone more out of sympathy than conviction, and I did not know what to do after I bowed there. The others were praying aloud and now and then one would rise shoutingly happy and make the old building ring with his glad praise. It was a novel experience to me. I did not know what to pray for, neither did I know what to expect if I did pray. I spent the most of the hour wondering why I was there and what it all meant. No one explained anything to me. Once in awhile some good old brother or sister would pass my way, strike me on the back and tell me to look up and believe and the blessing would come. But that was not encouraging to me. In fact, it sounded like nonsense and the noise was distracting me. Even in my crude way of thinking I had an idea that religion was a sensible thing and that people ought to become religious intelligently and without all that hurrah. I presume that my ideas were the result of the Presbyterian training given to me by old grandfather. By and by my knees grew tired and the skin was nearly rubbed off my elbows. I thought the service never would close, and when it did conclude with the benediction I heaved a sigh of relief. That was my first experience at the mourner's bench.

As we drove home I did not have much to say, but I listened attentively to the conversation between my uncle and his wife. They were greatly impressed with the meeting, and they spoke first of this one and that one who had "come through" and what a change it would make in the community, as many of them were bad boys. As we were putting up the team my uncle spoke very encouragingly to me; he was delighted with the step I had taken and he pleaded with me not to turn back, but to press on until I found the pearl of great price. He knew my mother would be very happy over the start I had made. Before going to sleep I fell into a train of thought, though I was tired and exhausted. I wondered why I had gone to that altar and what I had gained by it. I felt no special conviction and had received no special impression, but then if my mother had started that way there must be something in it, for she always did what was right. I silently lifted my heart to God in prayer for conviction and guidance. I knew how to pray, for I had come up through prayer, but not the mourner's bench sort. So I determined to continue to attend the meeting and keep on going to the altar until I got religion.

Early the next morning I was up and in a serious frame of mind. I went with the other hands to the cottonfield and at noon I slipped off in the barn and prayed. But the more I thought of the way those young people were moved in the meeting and with what glad hearts they had shouted their praises to God the more it puzzled and confused me. I could not feel the conviction that they had and my heart did not feel melted and tender. I was callous and unmoved in feeling and my distress on account of sin was nothing like theirs. I did not understand my own state of mind and heart. It troubled me, for by this time I really wanted to have an experience like theirs.

When evening came I was ready for Church service and was glad to go. It required no urging. Another large crowd was present and the preacher was as earnest as ever. I did not give much heed to the sermon. In fact, I do not recall a word of it. I was anxious for him to conclude and give me a chance to go to the altar. I had gotten it into my head that there was some real virtue in the mourner's bench; and when the time came I was one of the first to prostrate myself before the altar in prayer. Many others did likewise. Two or three good people at intervals knelt by me and spoke encouragingly to me, but they did not help me. Their talks were mere exhortations to earnestness and faith, but there was no explanation of faith, neither was there any light thrown upon my mind and heart. I wrought myself up into tears and cries for help, but the whole situation was dark and I hardly knew why I cried, or what was the trouble with me. Now and then others would arise from the altar in an ecstasy of joy, but there was no joy for me. When the service closed I was discouraged and felt that maybe I was too hardhearted and the good Spirit could do nothing for me.

After we went home I tossed on the bed before going to sleep and wondered why God did not do for me what he had done for mother and what he was doing in that meeting for those young people at the altar. I could not understand it. But I resolved to keep on trying, and so dropped off to sleep. The next day I had about the same experience and at night saw no change in my condition. And so for several nights I repeated the same distressing experience. The meeting took on such interest that a day service was adopted along with the night exercises, and we attended that also. And one morning while I bowed at the altar in a very disturbed state of mind Brother Tyson, a good local preacher and the father of Rev. J. F. Tyson, now of the Central Conference, sat down by me and, putting his hand on my shoulder, said to me: "Now I want you to sit up awhile and let's talk this matter over quietly. I am sure that you are in earnest, for you have been coming to this altar night after night for several days. I want to ask you a few simple questions." And the following questions were asked and answered:

"My son, do you not love God?"

"I cannot remember when I did not love him."

"Do you believe on his Son, Jesus Christ?"

"I have always believed on Christ. My mother taught me that from my earliest recollection."

"Do you accept him as your Savior?"

"I certainly do, and have always done so."

"Can you think of any sin that is between you and the Savior?"

"No, sir; for I have never committed any bad sins."

"Do you love everybody?"

"Well, I love nearly everybody, but I have no ill-will toward any one. An old man did me a wrong not long ago and I acted ugly toward him, but I do not care to injure him."

"Can you forgive him?"

"Yes, if he wanted me to."

"But, down in your heart, can you wish him well?"

"Yes, sir; I can do that."

"Well, now let me say to you that if you love God, if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior from sin and if you love your fellowmen and intend by God's help to lead a religious life, that's all there is to religion. In fact, that is all I know about it."

Then he repeated several passages of Scriptures to me proving his assertions. I thought a moment and said to him: "But I do not feel like these young people who have been getting religion night after night. I cannot get happy like them. I do not feel like shouting."

The good man looked at me and smiled and said: "Ah, that's your trouble. You have been trying to feel like them. Now you are not them; you are yourself. You have your own quiet disposition and you are not turned like them. They are excitable and blustery like they are. They give way to their feelings. That's all right, but feeling is not religion. Religion is faith and life. If you have violent feeling with it, all good and well, but if you have faith and not much feeling, why the feeling will take care of itself. To love God and accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, turning away from all sin, and living a godly life, is the substance of true religion."

That was new to me, yet it had been my state of mind from childhood. For I remembered that away back in my early life, when the old preacher held services in my grandmother's house one day and opened the door of the Church, I went forward and gave him my hand. He was to receive me into full membership at the end of six months' probation, but he let it pass out of his mind and failed to attend to it.

As I sat there that morning listening to the earnest exhortation of the good man my tears ceased, my distress left me, light broke in upon my mind, my heart grew joyous, and before I knew just what I was doing I was going all around shaking hands with everybody, and my confusion and darkness disappeared and a great burden rolled off my spirit. I felt exactly like I did when I was a little boy around my mother's knee when she told of Jesus and God and Heaven. It made my heart thrill then, and the same old experience returned to me in that old country Church that beautiful September morning down in old North Georgia.

As we returned home the sun shone brighter, the birds sang sweeter and the autumn-time looked richer than ever before. My heart was light and my spirit buoyant. I had anchored my soul in the haven of rest, and there was not a ripple upon the current of my joy. That night there was no service and after supper I walked out under the great old pine trees and held communion with God. I thought of mother, and home, and Heaven.

I at once gave my name to the preacher for membership in the Church, and the following Sunday morning, along with many others, he received me into full membership in the Methodist Episcopal Church, South. It was one of the most delightful days in my recollection. It was the third Sunday in September, 1866, and those Church vows became a living principle in my heart and life. During these forty-five long years, with their alternations of sunshine and shadow, daylight and darkness, success and failure, rejoicing and weeping, fears within and fightings without, I have never ceased to thank God for that autumnal day in the long ago when my name was registered in the Lamb's Book of Life.

.../Quote...
 
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Arman I am sorry you have had so many struggles. I know God loves you still. Something that might help you is that I don't believe hell is real. I don't believe a loving God would send anyone to hell. It helped me to trust God more knowing he would not send anyone to hell. Be blessed and may God show you his love and comfort.
and who said God sends people to hell?
Hell is real but was never intended for people,only the fallen angels,but each person sends "themselves" to hell by certain foolish actions,not God.
 
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Joe Fizz

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I would also point out that since the...

Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy) - Virtue

Is not knowledge or material, therefore it is free for all to receive. You can hope, dream, think big, plan, have motivation, and love free of charge and without being taught it. If you ever observed kids at play, they may be playing with something very small, but in their imagination it is very big. And they are enjoying what they are doing, even though it is not reality, as much as it was reality. It is important to keep the spiritual things rolling along, even though reality suggests otherwise.
ok I can't resist asking now...
just how much free time do you have rockyva???
 
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rockytopva

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ok I can't resist asking now...
just how much free time do you have rockyva???

Spiritual E/c2 - E (motivation, warmth, love) / c2 (faith, hope, charity, joy) - Virtue

Ridiculous... As it is not knowledge
Retarded... As it is not intelligence
Silly... As it has no material value either

Very much missed... When it isn't there anymore!
 
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OK... Then... For some old Southern energy and light... Here is a story whose professor first got religion in his head... And then... The old Southern way... Got it in his heart... Quoting the full testimony of George Clark Rankin...

"Grandfather was kind to me and considerate of me, yet he was strict with me. I worked along with him in the field when the weather was agreeable and when it was inclement I helped him in his hatter's shop, for the Civil War was in progress and he had returned at odd times to hatmaking. It was my business in the shop to stretch foxskins and coonskins across a wood-horse and with a knife, made for that purpose, pluck the hair from the fur. I despise the odor of foxskins and coonskins to this good day. He had me to walk two miles every Sunday to Dandridge to Church service and Sunday-school, rain or shine, wet or dry, cold or hot; yet he had fat horses standing in his stable. But he was such a blue-stocking Presbyterian that he never allowed a bridle to go on a horse's head on Sunday. The beasts had to have a day of rest. Old Doctor Minnis was the pastor, and he was the dryest and most interminable preacher I ever heard in my life. He would stand motionless and read his sermons from manuscript for one hour and a half at a time and sometimes longer. Grandfather would sit and never take his eyes off of him, except to glance at me to keep me quiet. It was torture to me." - George Clark Rankin

Then he got it good in the Methodist church in Georgia...

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After the team had been fed and we had been to supper we put the mules to the wagon, filled it with chairs and we were off to the meeting. When we reached the locality it was about dark and the people were assembling. Their horses and wagons filled up the cleared spaces and the singing was already in progress. My uncle and his family went well up toward the front, but I dropped into a seat well to the rear. It was an old-fashioned Church, ancient in appearance, oblong in shape and unpretentious. It was situated in a grove about one hundred yards from the road. It was lighted with old tallow-dip candles furnished by the neighbors. It was not a prepossessing-looking place, but it was soon crowded and evidently there was a great deal of interest. A cadaverous-looking man stood up in front with a tuning fork and raised and led the songs. There were a few prayers and the minister came in with his saddlebags and entered the pulpit. He was the Rev. W. H. Heath, the circuit rider. His prayer impressed me with his earnestness and there were many amens to it in the audience. I do not remember his text, but it was a typical revival sermon, full of unction and power.

At its close he invited penitents to the altar and a great many young people flocked to it and bowed for prayer. Many of them became very much affected and they cried out distressingly for mercy. It had a strange effect on me. It made me nervous and I wanted to retire. Directly my uncle came back to me, put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I did not want to be religious. I told him that I had always had that desire, that mother had brought me up that way, and really I did not know anything else. Then he wanted to know if I had ever professed religion. I hardly understood what he meant and did not answer him. He changed his question and asked me if I had ever been to the altar for prayer, and I answered him in the negative. Then he earnestly besought me to let him take me up to the altar and join the others in being prayed for. It really embarrassed me and I hardly knew what to say to him. He spoke to me of my mother and said that when she was a little girl she went to the altar and that Christ accepted her and she had been a good Christian all these years. That touched me in a tender spot, for mother always did do what was right; and then I was far away from her and wanted to see her. Oh, if she were there to tell me what to do!

By and by I yielded to his entreaty and he led forward to the altar. The minister took me by the hand and spoke tenderly to me as I knelt at the altar. I had gone more out of sympathy than conviction, and I did not know what to do after I bowed there. The others were praying aloud and now and then one would rise shoutingly happy and make the old building ring with his glad praise. It was a novel experience to me. I did not know what to pray for, neither did I know what to expect if I did pray. I spent the most of the hour wondering why I was there and what it all meant. No one explained anything to me. Once in awhile some good old brother or sister would pass my way, strike me on the back and tell me to look up and believe and the blessing would come. But that was not encouraging to me. In fact, it sounded like nonsense and the noise was distracting me. Even in my crude way of thinking I had an idea that religion was a sensible thing and that people ought to become religious intelligently and without all that hurrah. I presume that my ideas were the result of the Presbyterian training given to me by old grandfather. By and by my knees grew tired and the skin was nearly rubbed off my elbows. I thought the service never would close, and when it did conclude with the benediction I heaved a sigh of relief. That was my first experience at the mourner's bench.

As we drove home I did not have much to say, but I listened attentively to the conversation between my uncle and his wife. They were greatly impressed with the meeting, and they spoke first of this one and that one who had "come through" and what a change it would make in the community, as many of them were bad boys. As we were putting up the team my uncle spoke very encouragingly to me; he was delighted with the step I had taken and he pleaded with me not to turn back, but to press on until I found the pearl of great price. He knew my mother would be very happy over the start I had made. Before going to sleep I fell into a train of thought, though I was tired and exhausted. I wondered why I had gone to that altar and what I had gained by it. I felt no special conviction and had received no special impression, but then if my mother had started that way there must be something in it, for she always did what was right. I silently lifted my heart to God in prayer for conviction and guidance. I knew how to pray, for I had come up through prayer, but not the mourner's bench sort. So I determined to continue to attend the meeting and keep on going to the altar until I got religion.

Early the next morning I was up and in a serious frame of mind. I went with the other hands to the cottonfield and at noon I slipped off in the barn and prayed. But the more I thought of the way those young people were moved in the meeting and with what glad hearts they had shouted their praises to God the more it puzzled and confused me. I could not feel the conviction that they had and my heart did not feel melted and tender. I was callous and unmoved in feeling and my distress on account of sin was nothing like theirs. I did not understand my own state of mind and heart. It troubled me, for by this time I really wanted to have an experience like theirs.

When evening came I was ready for Church service and was glad to go. It required no urging. Another large crowd was present and the preacher was as earnest as ever. I did not give much heed to the sermon. In fact, I do not recall a word of it. I was anxious for him to conclude and give me a chance to go to the altar. I had gotten it into my head that there was some real virtue in the mourner's bench; and when the time came I was one of the first to prostrate myself before the altar in prayer. Many others did likewise. Two or three good people at intervals knelt by me and spoke encouragingly to me, but they did not help me. Their talks were mere exhortations to earnestness and faith, but there was no explanation of faith, neither was there any light thrown upon my mind and heart. I wrought myself up into tears and cries for help, but the whole situation was dark and I hardly knew why I cried, or what was the trouble with me. Now and then others would arise from the altar in an ecstasy of joy, but there was no joy for me. When the service closed I was discouraged and felt that maybe I was too hardhearted and the good Spirit could do nothing for me.

After we went home I tossed on the bed before going to sleep and wondered why God did not do for me what he had done for mother and what he was doing in that meeting for those young people at the altar. I could not understand it. But I resolved to keep on trying, and so dropped off to sleep. The next day I had about the same experience and at night saw no change in my condition. And so for several nights I repeated the same distressing experience. The meeting took on such interest that a day service was adopted along with the night exercises, and we attended that also. And one morning while I bowed at the altar in a very disturbed state of mind Brother Tyson, a good local preacher and the father of Rev. J. F. Tyson, now of the Central Conference, sat down by me and, putting his hand on my shoulder, said to me: "Now I want you to sit up awhile and let's talk this matter over quietly. I am sure that you are in earnest, for you have been coming to this altar night after night for several days. I want to ask you a few simple questions." And the following questions were asked and answered:

"My son, do you not love God?"

"I cannot remember when I did not love him."

"Do you believe on his Son, Jesus Christ?"

"I have always believed on Christ. My mother taught me that from my earliest recollection."

"Do you accept him as your Savior?"

"I certainly do, and have always done so."

"Can you think of any sin that is between you and the Savior?"

"No, sir; for I have never committed any bad sins."

"Do you love everybody?"

"Well, I love nearly everybody, but I have no ill-will toward any one. An old man did me a wrong not long ago and I acted ugly toward him, but I do not care to injure him."

"Can you forgive him?"

"Yes, if he wanted me to."

"But, down in your heart, can you wish him well?"

"Yes, sir; I can do that."

"Well, now let me say to you that if you love God, if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior from sin and if you love your fellowmen and intend by God's help to lead a religious life, that's all there is to religion. In fact, that is all I know about it."

Then he repeated several passages of Scriptures to me proving his assertions. I thought a moment and said to him: "But I do not feel like these young people who have been getting religion night after night. I cannot get happy like them. I do not feel like shouting."

The good man looked at me and smiled and said: "Ah, that's your trouble. You have been trying to feel like them. Now you are not them; you are yourself. You have your own quiet disposition and you are not turned like them. They are excitable and blustery like they are. They give way to their feelings. That's all right, but feeling is not religion. Religion is faith and life. If you have violent feeling with it, all good and well, but if you have faith and not much feeling, why the feeling will take care of itself. To love God and accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, turning away from all sin, and living a godly life, is the substance of true religion."

That was new to me, yet it had been my state of mind from childhood. For I remembered that away back in my early life, when the old preacher held services in my grandmother's house one day and opened the door of the Church, I went forward and gave him my hand. He was to receive me into full membership at the end of six months' probation, but he let it pass out of his mind and failed to attend to it.

As I sat there that morning listening to the earnest exhortation of the good man my tears ceased, my distress left me, light broke in upon my mind, my heart grew joyous, and before I knew just what I was doing I was going all around shaking hands with everybody, and my confusion and darkness disappeared and a great burden rolled off my spirit. I felt exactly like I did when I was a little boy around my mother's knee when she told of Jesus and God and Heaven. It made my heart thrill then, and the same old experience returned to me in that old country Church that beautiful September morning down in old North Georgia.

As we returned home the sun shone brighter, the birds sang sweeter and the autumn-time looked richer than ever before. My heart was light and my spirit buoyant. I had anchored my soul in the haven of rest, and there was not a ripple upon the current of my joy. That night there was no service and after supper I walked out under the great old pine trees and held communion with God. I thought of mother, and home, and Heaven.

I at once gave my name to the preacher for membership in the Church, and the following Sunday morning, along with many others, he received me into full membership in the Methodist Episcopal Church, South. It was one of the most delightful days in my recollection. It was the third Sunday in September, 1866, and those Church vows became a living principle in my heart and life. During these forty-five long years, with their alternations of sunshine and shadow, daylight and darkness, success and failure, rejoicing and weeping, fears within and fightings without, I have never ceased to thank God for that autumnal day in the long ago when my name was registered in the Lamb's Book of Life.

.../Quote...
and I thought I was bad about "Long"'posts lol.
an interesting read though.
 
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