Any Advice is appreciated

I don't even know where to start...

Based on this info he is in need serious help.

Let me prefaces this with we have raised 2 kids both are now out on their own, both of them and most all the other teens we know / knew do not jump up and do anything when asked. If this is his measure of respect - how sad.

Next respect is earned not given, he has only been in her life for 7ish years what has he done to earn her respect. By his reaction of sending her away, I would guess not much. His reaction should be more how do I reach her, how do I connect with her. He needs to be the one to show the unconditional love of Christ and Christ would never give up or send us away.

He needs professional help at this point, to give you any kind of ultimatum like her or me is so wrong and there is only one choice for you in that type of situation. Your daughter has to come first over him.

I pray for clear guidance and wisdom, you are in a difficult situation.

If you figure out how to get a teen to jump up and do anything "chore" related when asked the first time - Start teaching classes and retire on the wealth

Yikes! Your post makes me furious!

He married a package deal that included your daughter, and you don't throw away - or spank - a 16 year old child. Your child is your gift from God, and he should respect that. Children at times do not always jump to attention, and get things done immediately. Quite honestly? Neither do adults. I'm speaking overall, and not speaking for the entire human race.

Sounds like he seriously needs some parenting classes to get to know his role in your life. I'm not speaking of how to get them to jump to attention the moment he asks something, but overall parenting. If he is willing throw someone out of his life over something so small? He most likely lacks patience, grace, and does not recognize his role/place in your home.

We both know parenting can be frustrating at times, and as they get older you do want to kill them on occasion (figure of speech here!). Children are not be to thrown away, and I would hope he didn't say that within ear shot of your child. It's quite damaging, and quite frankly if she feels you might send her away? It's a double whammy. No human should feel unwanted in that fashion. She is God's child as well! I realize you said you didn't wish to lose her, but you need to make sure she feels that. Children take things more personally at times, and their imaginations can get the best of them! She is your first priority here. God placed her in that priority spot, and she needs know this.

Questioning these extremes are not rebellious in any fashion. It's common sense. Sadly, he needs some serious help. Until such time he decides for himself that is needed, and acts on it without anyone's help or push? Separation maybe the best alternative. His job is NOT to give conditional love, and if he is a bible believing man he needs to live the word. His discernment over this whole dynamic is completely lopsided! Every child deserves a father that loves them, and shows them his love. They need to feel appreciated, and cherished. Throwing them out over NOT cleaning something quickly enough? Sadly, that is immaturity on his end.

Praying for all three of you. I'm so sorry.

I teach a parenting course, and am currently teaching one on parenting teens. Believe me, there is no child or teen out there who will always obey the first moment a command is spoken. In fact, all teens need that kind of "rebellion" or conflict because it is necessary as they start to individuate from the parents. She is capable of obeying in her own time, or choosing to not obey at all. She is old enough to start developing her own beliefs, ideas, values, and direction. If she is told to go and clean her room, she might not value a clean room the same way as he does, and will assert her right to keep it as messy as she likes. And it is her right, within reason.

Your husband has unrealistic expectations of both you and your daughter, and frankly, what he is doing is emotionally/mentally abusive to you both. It has put you into an awful position, and coming from the perspective that I do, your loyalty should be to your daughter. She was there before he was.... and she needs you likely now more than ever. She is not the one who put you in a position to choose, but she likely lived with a man she does not like or respect for half of her life. That's a long time to a person her age.

Your husband is a controlling man, and most often that control comes with abuse. Please, please, protect your daughter and any other children you have from this kind of abuse. As hard as it is to have to choose, please choose your daughter. What you do now will have a lasting effect on your relationship with her. And parenting is not about skill so much as it is about maintaining a good relationship. Choose him, and you may lose her for life.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter, to raise her to adulthood with as much love, wisdom, and guidance as you can. If your husband is unwilling to be a part of that picture, that is truly his loss. To me it sounds like your daughter is not acting rebellious or disrespectful. That's normal behavior. And as for starting spankings with a nearly-grown young adult - that is extremely foolish at best. It would have severe consequences on your relationship with your child. So I strongly advise against that.

I'm praying that you and your husband reconcile and resolve this issue harmoniously. However, at 16 you cannot control another human being, and he should be able to understand and accept that. While of course it would make your life easier if your daughter obeyed him without question, that is not how it works, and it is unrealistic to expect such a thing. His demands are unreasonable and show nothing but disrespect for you. So it is ironic that he is doing this on a "respect" platform, when clearly he does not understand the meaning of the word.

WOW!! I can't believe what I read. Your husband thinks your 16 year old daughter needs to be spanked? No way in the world should a 16 year old be spanked. That is crazy!! Kids just don't jump when asked, period. They just don't. Does he have kids from another marriage or relationship where he was in the home raising them? If so, what is the relationship like with those kids now?
Please put your daughter first and tell him to stay away if he continues with this it's me or her rubbish. Tell him to stop being so controlling as you will never send your daughter to live with someone else. He needs an ultimatum....grow up or get out.
It really is immature on his part and I find it disgusting that he would tell you to send her to her father, the man she doesn't even know, or to her grandmother. No way would I settle for his controlling behavior.
I love my husband, but if he gave me an ultimatum like this I would show him to the door and kick him into the street.
I feel for you, but you have to do what is best for your daughter. She needs you.

I think teens can absolutely follow directions, and should contribute to the household and respect the rules of those supporting them. It's part of growing up, getting used to responsibility and learning how to run a household someday. But they are not little robots, obligated to perform any task immediately at the whim of an adult. That's not part of the experience of growing up, but rather an unreasonable measure of convenience for the adult. If an adult requires this level of service, then they should be prepared to hire a maid and compensate her fairly in the form of wages. Children aren't free maids.

If your husband wants your daughter to help out, the three of you should discuss the household chores, and enforce them with age-appropriate incentives and penalties. Demanding she do something immediately or get spanked, and then threatening to run away if you don’t oblige, is ridiculous and immature. Unless he was asking her to put out a fire. He needs to understand that respect is not earned by that kind of behavior, nor is it defined by his step-daughter’s obedience. It is earned by saying, “I really need your help cleaning up the kitchen so I can finish dinner,” and it materializes when your daughter says, “Okay. I’m in the middle of something right now, but I will.” That’s what respect looks like. And if she gets snooty with him, the appropriate response is, “If you aren’t going to respect our rules, then you don’t need Internet privileges/gas money/phone service (insert whatever privilege you want here).”

It’s easy to say, “Adios Jerk!” when you’re a reader commenting on a forum, but I suspect there’s a bit more logistics to losing a spouse. Such as, adjusting to living without his income, other shared responsibilities, etc. I think it’s worth validating him that he can, in fact, have expectations of your daughter, but that they are not without limits. He should express them to you first and together make a plan to deal with the problem, instead of bossing the girl around on a whim and threatening to leave when it doesn’t go smoothly.