Are opposite sex friendships ok in marriage?

faroukfarouk said:

I do advise caution indeed. But eating sandwiches with coworkers is really pretty benign and almost inevitable sometimes.

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Not to get off track of the original question. If you are just sitting around a break room table eating lunch because you go to lunch at the same time I agree with you. If you are intentionally going to lunch together that is another story.

What we see way to often in our ministry is. A spouse (husband or wife) innocently going to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex regularly. There is no intention or harm planned just going to lunch. Occasionally they even had a standing "date" they would go every X day of the week and just chit chat about nothing really., oh so innocent. Occasionally another co-worker would see them and come over and join in.

Then the stories vary but end the same. He had a fight last night, the talk changes from chit chat to I can't believe what my wife did. The other party being sympathetic agrees and they start talking about her problems his problems. Next week she has a major blow up at home. Soon they are confiding in each other rather then their spouses. The spouses become the enemy in this relationship. The lunches become more and more private. They start eating places other co-works don't go so they can have a more private conversation about their issues.

And the ground work for the slide is laid and here you stand at the top ready to jump on that slippery slope. Is that true for every single person. NO but again avoid even the appearance of. If my spouse know I am having lunch they become you accountability partner. If the frequency becomes to much, they become uncomfortable they can so no.

You by know means have to agree. I have been successfully married 27 years and LOVE my wife more today than the day we got married and I was pretty crazy in Love then. I have never had to look my beloved wife in the eye and say anything to break her heart because I let something go to far. If you are going to lunch or any other activity with someone else there is already some level of attraction. You may both just like the same food, but isn't that how dating starts?

Hotinco said:

Not to get off track of the original question. If you are just sitting around a break room table eating lunch because you go to lunch at the same time I agree with you. If you are intentionally going to lunch together that is another story.

What we see way to often in our ministry is. A spouse (husband or wife) innocently going to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex regularly. There is no intention or harm planned just going to lunch. Occasionally they even had a standing "date" they would go every X day of the week and just chit chat about nothing really., oh so innocent. Occasionally another co-worker would see them and come over and join in.

Then the stories vary but end the same. He had a fight last night, the talk changes from chit chat to I can't believe what my wife did. The other party being sympathetic agrees and they start talking about her problems his problems. Next week she has a major blow up at home. Soon they are confiding in each other rather then their spouses. The spouses become the enemy in this relationship. The lunches become more and more private. They start eating places other co-works don't go so they can have a more private conversation about their issues.

And the ground work for the slide is laid and here you stand at the top ready to jump on that slippery slope. Is that true for every single person. NO but again avoid even the appearance of. If my spouse know I am having lunch they become you accountability partner. If the frequency becomes to much, they become uncomfortable they can so no.

You by know means have to agree. I have been successfully married 27 years and LOVE my wife more today than the day we got married and I was pretty crazy in Love then. I have never had to look my beloved wife in the eye and say anything to break her heart because I let something go to far. If you are going to lunch or any other activity with someone else there is already some level of attraction. You may both just like the same food, but isn't that how dating starts?

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All sounds good advice. You like I are wonderfully blessed also.

From the OP, if I'm not mistaken there wasn't even a question of the person go off alone with the coworker, to my understanding; unless I misread it somehow.

Hotinco said:

Not to get off track of the original question. If you are just sitting around a break room table eating lunch because you go to lunch at the same time I agree with you. If you are intentionally going to lunch together that is another story.

What we see way to often in our ministry is. A spouse (husband or wife) innocently going to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex regularly. There is no intention or harm planned just going to lunch. Occasionally they even had a standing "date" they would go every X day of the week and just chit chat about nothing really., oh so innocent. Occasionally another co-worker would see them and come over and join in.

Then the stories vary but end the same. He had a fight last night, the talk changes from chit chat to I can't believe what my wife did. The other party being sympathetic agrees and they start talking about her problems his problems. Next week she has a major blow up at home. Soon they are confiding in each other rather then their spouses. The spouses become the enemy in this relationship. The lunches become more and more private. They start eating places other co-works don't go so they can have a more private conversation about their issues.

And the ground work for the slide is laid and here you stand at the top ready to jump on that slippery slope. Is that true for every single person. NO but again avoid even the appearance of. If my spouse know I am having lunch they become you accountability partner. If the frequency becomes to much, they become uncomfortable they can so no.

You by know means have to agree. I have been successfully married 27 years and LOVE my wife more today than the day we got married and I was pretty crazy in Love then. I have never had to look my beloved wife in the eye and say anything to break her heart because I let something go to far. If you are going to lunch or any other activity with someone else there is already some level of attraction. You may both just like the same food, but isn't that how dating starts?

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amen amen & amen never been married but use my parents as example (never did they have friends or socialize alone with members of opposite sex) and how they behaved (for lack of better word at moment) in their marriage (honored it) and had almost exact same thought as your post but in addition-- like oh tell me about your troubles as hand is laid upon hand then let me give you consolation hug and you can figure out what that's leading into next-- just is never good idea imo.

Most of my friends are male (I am female). Mostly because my hobbies are more traditionally "male" hobbies so of course there's a bunch of guys. My husband usually goes with me to the car shows and cruises...but there are times he stays home. But...after almost 20 years...

If my spouse hung out with some skimpily Clad younger people of the opposite sex on a boat I'd be suspicious and in his or her face about it.Temptation comes in many forms and e.t.c.I see nothing wrong with questioning my spouse about things like that.These days trust can only go so far.Nip it in the bud from the beginning. But that's just my opinion.And I'm no marriage counselor.So you don't have to listen to me.

Because there is drinking involved, bikinis...etc I would want to be with my spouse. Though honestly I wouldn't go anyways because I don't drink nor do I want to see women in tiny bikinis. Not that I look, its just unbecoming. The fact hes mad about it does make it seem very odd and I'd dig more into it.

Dawn_KS said:

Should I tell him I don't feel comfortable with him hanging out with females outside of work?

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That would be a mere slap on the wrist. You will need to come up with a stronger stance than that. As to so-called "friendships" with the opposite sex, those are essentially a farce.

I would insist on going out with them. Otherwise, he is really putting himself in a dangerous situation. Help him get away from tempting situations...this is how affairs start.

I had a female boating partner for 3 years. My wife has a couple of friends she hangs out with, without me.

We trust one another. It's that simple.

Double post

Are you being too jealous?

Not at all! If he gets to hang out on boats with friends all day and you're stuck at home scrambling for a sitter you won't find, you should definitely be jealous of him! Forget the "opposite sex friends" question. That's not what this is about. It's about you feeling left out.

Call it what it is. Your husband did have it in mind to bring you on at least one of the occasions, but flopped on the logistics of it. Tell him you would really like to go next time. Tell him you need more time to arrange a sitter. Tell him he is free to arrange a sitter for his kids too! Tell him it's disappointing to stay at home with the kids while he takes the boat out with friends. Tell him you don't have the same opportunities to plan outings with friends because you work from home, but it still sounds like fun to you and you'd like to spend some time on your boat too. Tell him whatever it is that you're actually feeling, which I'm guessing is some combination of these things.

Don't tell him you feel it's inappropriate to hang out with the opposite sex outside of work, because that doesn't really make sense. He's in mixed company, so it's not really much different than socializing at work. You're not really afraid of him cheating on you. Nothing in your post indicates that. But if you tell him that, he's just going to think, "Well I'm not cheating, and I'm not going to cheat, so everything is okay."

If the real concern is that women 15 years younger than you have time to hop on a boat at a moment's notice without a care in the world, whereas you are stuck at home because of parental obligations and can't even enjoy the boat that you own and presumably pay for, then that makes sense. Your husband and you should be in the same position, being 15 years older than your workplace peers. Instead he gets all the fun of being older (having his own leisure boat) and you get all the responsibilities of being older (childcare and household logistics). Now that is a complaint that he should understand, and can make reasonable efforts to accommodate.

Dawn_KS said:

I don't feel comfortable with him hanging out with females

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God has told me something

Friendship is ok. Within boundaries. from what you've said, you're not comfortable with it, so it's not acceptable.

You should tell your husband that this makes you feel very uncomfortable and get third party counseling/advice together.
I just think that if my husband constantly going out with other younger female for non-business related outing, it's just too much of a temptation.

It could go from a simple outing with many people, to dates with just two people, to other things.

For me, akmom hit the nail on the head.

Job8 said:

As to so-called "friendships" with the opposite sex, those are essentially a farce.

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I find this really puzzling. I have several good friends who are men, without there being anything untoward about it. Why do you think this is not possible?

"Now he...gets mad when I tell him I am upset about it. Am I crazy or is this ok?"

You're not crazy.

It says in the bible that Love does not envy. However, it does say that a friend hones the countenance of his friends. I would not approach this from a stance of envy or accusation. I would approach this from a stance of being his partner in resisting the devil and fleeing from sin. Use scripture to deter him from keeping company with scantily clad women and people who drink. If he is engaging in some sort of ministry, then he should bring another Christian with him and he should be preventing drunkenness on the boat. If he is engaging what the apostle Peter calls carousing, then he is in the wrong.
2 Peter 2:13 They will be paid back with harm for the harm they have done. Their idea of pleasure is to carouse in broad daylight. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their pleasures while they feast with you.

Be warned, if you are envying him because he is carousing, then you are in the wrong as well since you desire to be doing the carousing.

Paidiske said:

I find this really puzzling. I have several good friends who are men, without there being anything untoward about it. Why do you think this is not possible?

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Have you ever seen the movie "When Harry met Sally?" The whole movie was a discussion back and forth about whether men and women could truly be platonic friends, or whether there would always be at least a hint of sexual tension between them.

IMO it depends a LOT on the individuals.

DaveW-Ohev said:

... IMO it depends a LOT on the individuals.

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I agree that this is a key point.

On my part, I find that any male / female friendship has naturally distanced itself over the past two years of our marriage. We are still friends, but a different type of friendship. Now we tend to be friends with both me and my husband, unless it is only a work friendship. That's not to say that we forbid friendships with the opposite sex, or that I can't talk to them without my husband. It just seemed to gravitate that direction.

No, I've never seen the movie.

I guess many of my friends are work friends (male and female), so it would seem weird to me to try to cut them out because they don't know my husband as well as they know me. But that doesn't make the friendship any less real and genuinely good.

Paidiske said:

No, I've never seen the movie.

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Too bad. It is hilarious. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan.

Here is a snippet that gets to the heart of the movie: