I was not raised in a Christian home, so the church norms are sometimes confusing to me. I'm trying to work through the whole "church family" issue. When I first started going to church, about 18 months after I was saved, the concept of having and being a part of a church family was heavily promoted through encouragement of fellowship and small groups, etc. As a person with no natural family to speak of, I thought the concept was great and really sounded like the heart of God. Fourteen years later, I've led Bible studies, volunteered in numerous outreaches, been there to support many a follower of Jesus, and participated in many small groups. I've truly tried to make people a priority and esteem others higher than myself. But I still, after this many years, have nothing more than acquaintances for church relationships. I understand that it's partly, maybe fully, because I'm single and churches seem to be mostly about couples and families, but it's throwing me a bit for a loop at this time.
My thought is perhaps that I misunderstood the concept that was being taught and that church family is not necessarily about having people there to support and be supported by, but rather an opportunity to serve, not to be served. The problem with that is that it does not seem to work. If I have a problem or issue and no one is helping me, that puts me out of commission while I deal with my own crisis alone. And ultimately, I end up juggling so much on my own that I'm not much support to anyone else. So I'm confused. Could you help me better understand this concept and how it works in practical real life. I am truly willing to adjust to having church be solely a place where I got to serve and not much more, but I need some coaching on how to get my head and heart around that.
Thanks so much,
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It sounds to me like you are a knowledgeable Christian, and probably already spiritually well-informed, and as a result are looking for practical answers. God has called you to a hard place so far. It's good that you are willing to take actions to deal with it. (You chose to write your original post.)
Some of my ideas that follow are not from experience, but from study.
I suspect that if you want close friends or to marry, you will need to be more aggressive, if you can. If you've been praying for friends for a long time, then God may have already finished his end of the work. Understanding how relationships form and grow (and crash) is helpful. You need to invite people into your life. How to do that depends on you, them, and what your relationships are already like. Forming deeper friendships can be costly. If there are people whose company you like, then you need to be willing to annoy or impose yourself on them.
Well, that's how it may feel to you, anyway.
Most people don't have free time, so you need to make spending time with you rise in their list of priorities. And the only way that is going to happen is by spending time with them so they can find out whether they want that or not. It is also a good way to find people that are worth investing yourself in over the long-term. God did not create us with the ability to handle broken relationships. That wasn't supposed to ever happen. Set in your mind that the friends you make will always be lifelong friends from your perspective and leave how they handle their end of the relationship between God and them (pray for them and the relationship, if you want).
Broadening the things you chat with people about is a good step. It makes it easier to see when you have an opportunity to offer to help them with something. Share your
feelings about things that are important to you, even if you don't think they are worth talking about. (Having a low view of yourself or the things you do can make this hard. Stop taking that view.) I never perceive someone sharing their feelings negatively. I perceive it as someone trusting me. Accept them as they are. Unlike writing in a forum designed for questions and answers, don't give advice, which includes not making a point of explaining the details on how you handled a similar situation (unless they ask). Help them with where they're at, instead of trying to improve them or what they do.
If you can do these things regularly with people, your relationships will turn into a friendships. Keep broadening and deepening the things you chat about though sharing more and more of yourself. Each different environment you can be in with them deepens a friendship in an uncharacteristically fast way. i.e., make opportunities to get together away from church, then maybe at work, then at the zoo, etc. Don't push the relationship to deepen faster than it does naturally. (The things I just mentioned can take years.) Don't let it put you off that they might be raising 5 children, so they can't possibly have enough time. As I said it is a matter of where you are in their list of priorities.
Be willing to ask for help with anything you could use help with!
Having said all that, don't stretch too far to do any of it. It is just as important to just be who you are. You can visit other study groups to get a better idea what's going on in the church, and may meet people. Somehow, make sure people in the church know what things you like to do when you have free time as well as what things you have training in. There are all kinds of things that people are already interested in talking about with someone (e.g., hobby enthusiasts). Take every opportunity to meet with someone. Much enjoyment with people is when you've gathered because of something in common (such as a task that needs to be done), but then you end up talking about other things. Volunteer for church needs when it will give you a chance to chat with people.
You need to turn yourself loose on people!
