Marriage advice

Do you like to read? You might find encouragement from the book "A Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. Then do your best to live it out, if you're not already. There is not much you can do about her choices, though you can choose how to respond to her choices.

Have you ever talked with her about her parent's divorce? If she always saw her parent's marriage as solid, it probably shattered her belief that any marriage can be solid, and she might not know how to deal with a change in what she believes, since beliefs are a core part of a person's identity, especially if she ever felt like she had to pick sides or was otherwise part of the process. You say your wife became a professional? Usually that means she has learned objectivity and critical thinking, so maybe you could appeal to those strengths in talking with her about how to handle stressful situations like her parent's divorce.

Now... why do you fear backlash if you were to talk about how this is affecting you? What kind of backlash? What is the fear about? What is the worst that could happen if you talk with her about your real feelings, your own pain over her choices? I'm rather concerned when people say they are in a marriage where they are not free or safe enough to express their own needs and emotions with their spouse.

wtrailer said:

Hello, everyone. I just wanted to get some advice and prayers regarding my marriage. I've been married for 20 years and I'm almost 40 years old. During the first half of our marriage my wife was very strong in the Lord and she was very active in our church and with our children - training them up to be good Christians. Around the 9 year mark her parents divorced and things were never the same again.

She seemed to lose interest in faith, church, ect., went back to school and became a professional. She also got into alcohol and continues to drink every night. He language has become terrible too, and she doesn't care what the kids hear her say no matter how foul. I feel that the spiritual part of our relationship is gone and it makes me feel extremely lonely. The desire to have a vibrant Christian wife who prays for you, is involved in ministries, small groups, ect. is so strong for me but I don't know if things will ever turn back that way. It's very lonely and depressing. I pray for her (us) everyday and share some but not all of my feelings as I fear a backlash. I know you can't change people, people have to change themselves. I don't know what the future holds and I feel really down about this. Any advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Wt

P.S.
I know the Lord answers prayers. He has answered many for me and performed many miracles in my life. This issue just seems to linger.

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Hi wtrailer,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have been experiencing some emotional turmoil and shaken moments over the past decade or so. That is a very tough thing to go through.

As a person who had a mother who suffered severe bouts with depression due to various disappointments and traumas in life, I read what you share in your post above and wonder if your wife also suffers from depression.

Perhaps she feels broken because some portion of her Christian faith, personal activeness, and sense of assurance has been damaged, being that these things originally came from her having been raised in a loving relationship with her parents.

Now ... the feeling of emotional and spiritual solidity she gained from her parent's relationship is broken, and it is possible that her confidence in God's power to hold relationships together has also been fractured, causing her emotional pain and grief that does not abate. Divorce can be a very emotionally trying situation for all involved, and adult children of those so divorced are no exception, they too can experience long-term grief and resentment.

She, and you, may need to seek some quality psychological counseling; she might need some assistance in getting her emotional fractures to a place where she can begin a healing process. Likewise, you may need some additional support in dealing with her feelings, as well as your own. (And please understand that when I suggest professional counseling, I do not imply counseling that merely involves the use of bible-verses being tossed at you, or her. It will take more care and insight than just that ... )

I pray that within the coming months and years that your wife and you (and kids) will find the healing and peace that each of you need to strengthen your marriage and family relationships.

Peace
2PhiloVoid

I don't know if there's much you can do until she addresses her issues, with the drinking, people often curse and they use it to blot out memories, but remain in denial.

For yourself you need to learn to let go. This doesn't mean divorce but it means you can't expect her to be what you want. You need to go ahead with the ministry God calls you to without your wife. He may send you elders brothers you can partner with and pray with, like a mens group.

I think then she may start to realise you can live a christian life not dependent on her input, and she may respect that or it may convict her to follow your example, but you are giving her the free will to make that choice. Continue to pray that she'll come back to the Lord.

You're right we can't change people. Encourage you to continue to pray including asking Yahweh for His wisdom (James 1:5). Also, encourage you to read "Love and Respect" by Emerson (think he was a pastor for decades). The book is based on husbands Love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). Believe that it will reveal some things for you.

Part of the problem is, what we think is Christian living is really Churchianity. Its the 'religious' realm but not the Kingdom.
Its 'what we think Christians are supposed to live like, be like, act like, and a continual hamster wheel of movement but not really getting anywhere.

Then when the crap hits the fan, and all the supports break away, we wonder 'where' is this GOD, the Church the help?
It is a person so depressed and 'beat up' that they don't want to continue and actually become more of (seemingly) an atheist than a believer.

That is what Galatians is all about.
Paul calls it "another gospel" in the first chapter.

Because churchianty is really religion. Religion comes from the latin term we get 'elbow/arm' from.
Meaning really, man (with uplifting arm) reaching GOD…but Christianity is really GOD coming into our mess and loving us
so much, HE saves us (crap and all)…nothing we did or didn't do, but all because of HIS faithful Grace.

I've seen many good 'Christian' families get so messed up, and one of the spouses want to 'keep it together' while the other seemingly falls into wicked sin. Really its often the (clean church one) that is more messed up.
One has sins of selfish feeding, the other of religious self righteousness. (often)

Both deep down want a real JESUS.
Just the one that is knee deep in sin is actually closer.

JESUS friend of sinners.

-eric

wtrailer said:

Around the 9 year mark her parents divorced and things were never the same again.

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Divorce is an evil thing, and those who commit this sin, this immorality, often are completely thoughtless, or simply uncaring, about how it harms those around them, in addition to destroying a sacred union.

wtrailer said:

[She]went back to school and became a professional.

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Another evil is feminism, the intellectual desire of a woman to be independent of a man, even where Jesus said the two are one flesh. Nearly all marriages to "professional" women are miserable, or doomed. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

What you could have done, but it's too late for this, is to have been going to a church for the last 20 years that doesn't support divorce and doesn't support feminism.

What you can do is continue in the faith, and assume that your wife is thinking about divorce. She's a woman-child who can't be reasoned with. Don't argue or plead with her, about anything. All you can do is set a godly example, while making contingency plans for if she decides to destroy the marriage. Don't share or express with her your depression or loneliness, that'll just push her away.

Feed her lots of cake. Seriously.

It seems her faith 'fell apart' at her parent's divorce. Sometimes that is a matter of an inadequate set of beliefs that failed her at that time. Apostasy and anger are not uncommon when that happens. Such people need insightful, non-condemning, intelligent conversations with people who can 'get behind' the reactions and invite reconsideration. Not fault by you, but you will probably be the last person right now that she will listen to. That's hard to take I know.

Bless you

John
NZ

wtrailer, I wouldn't confront her about those things - in front of the kids or not. I would express regret that she is frustrated or whatever negative emotion is at the top of the list at that time. Then keep the conversation with the kids going.

I agree with JohnNZ and tturt.

excellent Spirit lead thoughts

I would add, just as a parenting rule of thumb - is never question your spouse
in front of the children about how they disciplined or critical of them in anyway.
All then enemy will do is divide and pit the two (parents) against each other, while
rebellion (in the kids) goes rampant.

-eric

PS if you have to talk it out with your better half, then do that alone 1on1.

You do not respond to vulgar things as not her talking its the alcohol, and the spirit behind it.

I think if its been a problem a mens group would be good support for you. You must take the lead and go and find one and then she may want to follow but you can't make her do anything, just suggest.

If you wish, you can visit the following website, where you will find about a Christian couple, who have helped many marriages, around the world, even in situation where there is divorce and other things;

http://joelandkathy.com/

Life can be so so cruel!

I myself am going through a very rough time emotionally.

I turn to God and desperately seek guidance. It does feel as though i am hitting my head against a brick wall, but, i wont give in! God has a path mapped out for me. I just want him to place me on the right path!

God will help you. Pray for guidance.Pray for Mercy. God bless you

wtrailer said:

Hello, everyone. I just wanted to get some advice and prayers regarding my marriage. I've been married for 20 years and I'm almost 40 years old. During the first half of our marriage my wife was very strong in the Lord and she was very active in our church and with our children - training them up to be good Christians. Around the 9 year mark her parents divorced and things were never the same again.

She seemed to lose interest in faith, church, ect., went back to school and became a professional. She also got into alcohol and continues to drink every night. He language has become terrible too, and she doesn't care what the kids hear her say no matter how foul. I feel that the spiritual part of our relationship is gone and it makes me feel extremely lonely. The desire to have a vibrant Christian wife who prays for you, is involved in ministries, small groups, ect. is so strong for me but I don't know if things will ever turn back that way. It's very lonely and depressing. I pray for her (us) everyday and share some but not all of my feelings as I fear a backlash. I know you can't change people, people have to change themselves. I don't know what the future holds and I feel really down about this. Any advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Wt

P.S.
I know the Lord answers prayers. He has answered many for me and performed many miracles in my life. This issue just seems to linger.

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Sorry to hear you're going through this, & also sorry some of the advice remarks from others you've received are tinged with judgment.

Honestly, your situation sounds like it needs to be worked out in marriage counseling. Tell your wife what you've told us - that you're concerned about changes in her behavior & you feel disconnected in your relationship. Acknowledge that both of you (not just her) could benefit from counseling. And if she refuses to go with you, you should still go so you can talk about these things. Maybe she will change her mind & go with you.

If your wife has become an alcoholic, that is a disease, & it will need professional help. (I don't know this for sure from what you wrote & we can't give medical advice on the forum.)

Finally, don't accuse her of anything. People who are hurting may lash out or change in different ways. Counseling might be able to help you both. Maybe she won't rejoin the Christian religion, but maybe the negative issues can be resolved.

Good luck.

since all this seems to have started when her parents divorced, you might try to find out how she really feels about that - it might be that she thinks that her own marriage is less secure than her parent's marriage was, because she sees herself as less able to keep a marriage together than her mother was.

it's the goodness of God that causes lasting change (Romans 2:1-4), not focusing on the badness of people's actions; thank her for being faithful, compliment her on how well she's handling all the stress in her life rather than pointing out how she's just getting worse - keep your feelings to yourself by focusing on building her up in faith rather than how all this is affecting you. find out what she is struggling with at work and encourage her. God is more motivated than you are to help her, but He needs someone to be selflessly good through - strive to be that person. and don't forget to bind the devil - don't spend a lot of time at this, just do it when he begins to manifest through her - and you'd be smart to do this silently most of the time .