Had a breakthrough, so close, help me

I need help, please read this, even if it's a little long.

So I've been dealing with many long term OCD "vows", some have persisted for years. Yesterday I had a talk with the Pastor of my church and he told me not to follow these. With this, I was able to go home and break through! Finally! After all this time! It was amazing! I was free! It was amazing. This was the best I had done in so long.

But then I had a derailment…. But I want to keep going!

So there was one "vow" from a while back that was probably OCD but did have a positive effect. This is from maybe a year ago? For many years I had no eyelashes, I have Trichotillomania, which gives me an urge to pull my hairs out. The urge was very strong, and I would pull my eyelashes. I hadn't had a full set of eyelashes since 2006. This was really embarrassing for me.

Well maybe about a year ago, one of my OCD "vow" fears was having to go to Africa to be a missionary. Well, I assume out of OCD, one day "vowed" that if I pulled another eyelash that I would go to Africa.

I stopped pulling my eyelashes cold turkey and got them back. I've been pretty much pull free of my eyelashes since then.

Yesterday I was doing a bunch of the things that I couldn't do because of the OCD "vows". I was listening to music, drinking coffee, having ice cream, chocolate, I took a walk, had beer, all of those things I was worried I "vowed" not to do. I still had some "vows" that came on yesterday, but I pushed on and didn't give in to them, at least not for long.

Later, at night I went to my grandma's house. My phone was dead so I couldn't document this right away, but here's what I think happened. I remembered my eyelash "vow" or something, and maybe thought that that's how I stopped pulling, or I need it, to not pull, or that I needed to keep that one so I didn't, or something like that, I think. So on purpose I either "vowed" it, or affirmed that "vow". This is what I think happened. I wasn't able to write it down till later so this may not be super accurate.

Ugh! I was doing so good! So I thought that I also can't do basically all my other "vows", at least for a day or two. No music, coffee, etc. So after this I think, gotta break through this. I got in the car, and listened to a couple songs on the radio as I went to get a pizza. Then when I got back to my grandma's I drank some beer.

Now I'm upset, thinking I have to wait 3 days to listen to music again for the 3 songs I heard, and 1 day of no alcohol for the beer. I'm even having trouble worrying that the "vow" wasn't about my eyelashes. I'm worried it may have been about something else, but I can't remember anything else. Like I mean there's no other "vow" I can remember having done.

The thing that is really throwing me, is I seemed to do the eyelash "vow" thing on purpose. I really want my eyelashes.

And now I'm thinking, it's only 3 days for music, 1 day for alcohol, etc. Which makes me really want to do it.

So what do I do??? Do I press no matter what and label this as OCD, not waiting the days? Or do I follow it because I did this on purpose? I feel like me doing it on purpose means it's not OCD.

Oh, and my OCD doesn't want me to say this, but let's face it, this will probably turn in to more than just 3 days of no music. With the whole drinking thing originally, 1 month ended up turning in to a year or more. But my OCD is saying that I'm just trying to get out of it by saying this and I really need to do this "vow". I mean I think I was chugging along doing good and then BAM this happened. I'm not even sure I could have prepared for this, I didn't even think of this.

Does what I did sound like OCD? Or maybe habit? Or did I just want my eyelashes so bad that I was willing to "vow"? Ugh a voice in my head just seemed to say "it's not too late to turn back now" because I'm worried there will be consequences to me posting this, ugh! I also don't know if the "vow" just involved "vowing" about pulling my eyelashes, or if it involved all my other "vows".

Then, I woke up this morning, feeling mad/frustrated about this whole thing and did several "vows" once again on purpose. Not even sure what they were for. I think it was me trying to make it so that if I follow this I'm just going to "vow" more. Ugh. These "vows" were purely out of frustration/feeling trapped. Which makes me feel like I need to follow them.

Please help me! I'm so close!

So something else happened that I'm really scared about. I have a thing where I intrusively ask for signs. So like I'll be going to my phone and have thoughts like I'm saying to God "if I have a text then it's a sign" maybe that some OCD is real. It's kind of an intrusive thing but sometimes I affirm it, I think.

So I've been worrying about this and I got a phone call from a friend yesterday. After I picked up I said something like "if they (he and his wife) are coming over then it's a sign the "vow" is real". He ended up saying he's coming over. Ugh. Now I'm feeling even more convicted about this.

I mean it came about after I knew it was him on the phone, so maybe it's just a coincidence I don't know.

Not only was I really worried this is real, now I'm worried God might have given me a sign it's real.