Uncertainty at work

[LaundrySoap]

I was thinking pretty hard last night about bonuses and my performance in my old department. I think I'm being a little obsessive, but here goes.

Backstory:
I got a retention bonus (everyone did, it was a "please stay in this department" incentive). It was contingent on me meeting, every month, 80% of the assigned work. Meaning, every day I was given a list of 20 patients with consults (referrals), and I had to handle at least 16 a day. Sometimes this involved very little work per patient, sometimes a patient's referral would be really complicated. But we as employees kept track of how many patients we handled in a day by just marking them off on the spreadsheet we were given each day, and turning the spreadsheet back in.

Problem:
One month I averaged exactly 80%. One less patient and I would have lost my retention bonus. I did the math myself that month, along with checking my numbers with my lead, so I know 80% is correct. But the problem I had was, there were a few patients that I feel like i shouldn't have counted for that month. Where maybe I saved work for the next day and counted it again, despite having time to complete it all one one day. Or something like that. I do remember thinking about that at the end of the month, and trying to make sure my numbers were "ethical" (Meaning, I knew i did wrong, so I was trying to make sure my false numbers didn't affect my monthly total). I worked it out somehow in my head, by acknowledging that I chose not to count a few patients that I probably COULD have counted. Meaning it probably all evened out.

Except that was a few months ago and now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I actually had accurate numbers in my head of what canceled out, if that makes sense. And of course it's Saturday so I can't go and look at old spreadsheets. It's possible I'm not even supposed to because I'm not in that department anymore.

To clarify, my freak out isn't so much "I might have to pay money back" but more like "I might not have accurately made up for something I did wrong." Who cares about the money at this point I don't want something I might have earned by being dishonest.

I hope this all makes sense.

 

[public hermit]

I was thinking pretty hard last night about bonuses and my performance in my old department. I think I'm being a little obsessive, but here goes.

Backstory:
I got a retention bonus (everyone did, it was a "please stay in this department" incentive). It was contingent on me meeting, every month, 80% of the assigned work. Meaning, every day I was given a list of 20 patients with consults (referrals), and I had to handle at least 16 a day. Sometimes this involved very little work per patient, sometimes a patient's referral would be really complicated. But we as employees kept track of how many patients we handled in a day by just marking them off on the spreadsheet we were given each day, and turning the spreadsheet back in.

Problem:
One month I averaged exactly 80%. One less patient and I would have lost my retention bonus. I did the math myself that month, along with checking my numbers with my lead, so I know 80% is correct. But the problem I had was, there were a few patients that I feel like i shouldn't have counted for that month. Where maybe I saved work for the next day and counted it again, despite having time to complete it all one one day. Or something like that. I do remember thinking about that at the end of the month, and trying to make sure my numbers were "ethical" (Meaning, I knew i did wrong, so I was trying to make sure my false numbers didn't affect my monthly total). I worked it out somehow in my head, by acknowledging that I chose not to count a few patients that I probably COULD have counted. Meaning it probably all evened out.

Except that was a few months ago and now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I actually had accurate numbers in my head of what canceled out, if that makes sense. And of course it's Saturday so I can't go and look at old spreadsheets. It's possible I'm not even supposed to because I'm not in that department anymore.

To clarify, my freak out isn't so much "I might have to pay money back" but more like "I might not have accurately made up for something I did wrong." Who cares about the money at this point I don't want something I might have earned by being dishonest.

I hope this all makes sense.

This kind of thing would tend to drive me nuts because I can struggle with obsessive/compulsive thoughts.

Keep in mind what they want-as much productivity as they can get from employees, which you are giving them. I think that makes sense on their part. And, clearly, you want to be productive, and you are. When they created this incentive, it probably never occurred to them the potential torture it could be for some employees who have this kind of compulsion. Try to keep the general point in mind-they want productivity- and the fact you're giving them that. Try not to get lost in the weeds of the specifics. The fact the possibility that the specifics might be a little off-but it evens out in the long run-tells me your intention is not to do what is unethical but to meet the goal as best you can. Think of it in general and practical terms because at the end of the day, that is why they created the incentive. They're focused on the bottom line; you don't owe them the self-torture they weren't considering when they created the incentive.

More than anything, be gentle with yourself and try to learn to let obsessive thoughts go. If you need professional help, don't hesitate to seek it out. Be good to yourself in that manner because you, and I, and anyone else deserves much better than the misery obsessive thinking can bring. Your heart is in the right place, and that's what matters most. In this situation you have done an excellent job. Accept that and move on.

 

[Mari17]

This is the kind of thing I obsess about, too! I like public hermit's advice - look at the big picture. Those of us with OCD tend to get super analytical, and have to train ourselves to NOT be so obsessive in our thinking by practicing it - learning to recognize when we're thinking too obsessively (sometimes it helps to ask others, as you've done here), and forcing ourselves to move beyond that "sticking" point. It's hard work in the moment, but it does pay off, because we can actually train our brains to think more smoothly!

I'm sorry if I've asked you before, but do you currently have any help/support for your OCD?