Hetta, maybe im not coming explaining it correctly. I do not feel I should be presented with a beautiful woman. I hope I become blind to a flirtation from other women while im married. I hope I never flirt while being married. Unless those wishes come true I have to address the fact that I don't think my wife is the only beautiful woman in the world. I dont think the fact that i think other women are pretty is whats hurting the situation. I think the hurt comes from me lying about it. although it is disrespectful to be oogling at a woman its not something that I do but my wife is perceptible so she knows when a glance might be a little too long. I think my wife is pretty, I think other women are pretty. the difference is I want to be with my wife and love my wife.
this test with some other woman might be the same as an alcoholic being tempted to have a beer but knowing its wrong and going through the process of making the choice not to. (im not addicted to women i just used that reference and i don't have anyone in mind because i didn't mean it that way)
Also, I do appreciate everyone's opinion, I think its important to learn from what others have been through but I definitely did not ask for advise. I am trying to model my life after Christ that's why I asked for scripture so I can read and make my own interpretation and if I have questions after that then I would ask for opinions on that.
Im not going to ignore what this stranger on the internet told me. I felt like what he/she said was aplicable to my situation and something I can derive encouragment from when I need it.
Also Hetta i truly beleive that people have to accept Jesus in order to be on that right path. I also think I need to work on my relationship with god before I can make good headway in my relationship with my wife and that's why I want to model my actions and thinking by what the bible says. My wife is an atheist and im not trying to simply impress her with my godliness. I saw another persons godliness and was inspired by it so much that I asked for a sign and that saved my soul. im praying to have the same effect on my wife so that we can be in heaven together. I can impress her many other ways but if I love her and truly believe, shouldn't I show her the way to salvation by walking the path of salvation.
You have a beautiful soul
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and have been married for 11. We have been tested, over and over, regarding faith and responsibilities and even over kids. We've come close to separating several times, brought to that point by warring viewpoints, differences in opinions and even on whether or not he puts his dirty clothes into the clothes hamper instead of leaving them on the floor for me to step on (UGH!).
I was once told that I was his exercise in unconditional love...A constant test on whether or not he could be a husband as the Bible commanded, despite what I said and did. Those words pierced me as no others could. If you love someone, the last thing you want to hear is that you are his test, his tribulation, his burden. I completely understand the sorrow, insecurity and pain which led your wife to ask that question.
My husband works hard to be a man of Christ. I feel for him, I really do, because the responsibility of being a husband under Christian lordship is a tough one. And yet, he does it...Perhaps not perfectly, perhaps not always lovingly. This is where forgiveness and understanding come into play on my part. I understand now that his battle is not with me, but within himself. It is not a battle I can fight for him, and it is not a battle in which I can assist. I pray often for him.
Others are right. Start with the New Testament before the Old. Use your cross-references into the Old Testament to gain an understanding.
Now, I'm going to give some general Scripture to guide you.
First are some admonishments from I Peter 3. The whole first part of the chapter covers both men and women, and is worth a read:
"In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life.
Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered." I Pet. 3:7 NLT
I start with this because of the admonishment regarding your prayer life. The relationship of marriage is an earthly representation of Christ and his Bride, the Church. I also start with this because it explains the representation of the woman's role in Christ's Kingdom. We walk as equals in God's eyes. To not honor your wife causes harm to you personally and spiritually. You took on this responsibility when you married her, my friend...This vow to "love and honor".
You see, God does not command what comes naturally to us. A woman isn't ever commanded to "love her husband", because love is natural to us women. I could also argue this passage by saying that, in Biblical times, arranged marriage was the norm and affectionate emotion was not a part of the equation for either party. However, that "love" commandment on the part of the man is necessary because, in a culture which teaches its male children that loving emotion is a weakness, showing love to your spouse shores up her security and reveals to her how you feel. Love her, my friend. There is a very Biblical and a very psychological basis for doing so.
Lying to your spouse causes damage. We women can spot a mile off when you're fibbing. If she has to ask, "Were you looking at that woman?", then she already knows the answer. Answer truthfully. "Yes, her shirt was cut so low that I couldn't help but stare." You see, when you lie about the little things, it sows doubt in a woman's heart. It creates a rift. If you lie about the little things, do you lie about the big things? If he lies about looking at another woman, will he lie about sleeping with another woman?
Do you see where this can cause pain and insecurity in your wife? Watch where your eyes wander, my friend. It causes damage to her and to you.
I Corinthians 7:7-16 is another good Scripture:
"7 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried[
a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"
Ephesians 5:22-33 is another passage which directly correlates to marriage:
"22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[
a] 28
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
This passage always humbles my heart. Look at the admonishment to the woman, as opposed to the admonishment to the husband. "Submit" is sometimes translated as "honor", but the ground rule here is the same: it doesn't mean that a wife becomes a slave to you, but rather that, when you live as a husband through Christ, it fosters trust in your wife and a respect for your actions and words. When you do what is necessary as that Christian husband, it fosters security in your spouse. Even as an atheist, she will see the spiritual fruits and be amazed. Trust me on this one.
Lastly, I'm going to touch on Colossians 3:18-25:
"18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants,[
f] obey in everything those who are your earthly masters,[
g] not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25
For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality."
"Do not be harsh with them". This passage is often forgotten by men, because it seem so little. However, to your wife, this is a huge thing. Men are, by nature, gruff. We women translate that gruffness into disinterest or impatience. So, watch your words with her. Speak softly. Speak lovingly. Yelling and saying hurtful things wounds her heart and causes damage that, down the road, you may not be able to repair on your own. You see, your wife has entrusted her heart and mind to you. She sees you as a reflection of her self-worth. If you value her little, it shows in what you say and do. If you value her greatly, your words and actions will reflect this.
I'm going to wrap this up with two things, my friend. First, share these Biblical admonishments to the Christian husband with your wife. Because she is an atheist, skim away from the wife passages. You want your focus to be on what is required of YOU, not her. You can't force Biblical principles on her, because she's not the believer. You can only show her what you are supposed to do as a Christian, what your beliefs are, and then follow those beliefs so that she will feel the positive benefits of it and marvel. You see, spiritual conviction and salvation cannot be forced. We are the portrayal of Christ's love. You will have to show a spiritual change which will intrigue her and bring about a reverence for what you are doing, and through that, she will see the power of the Lord through you. It's a profound and amazing thing to witness in a man.
Secondly, I am going to recommend some sermons to you. I'm non-denominational, but I listen to a lot of pastors with different Christian doctrines. There are two pastors out there whose sermons go very deeply into marriage and its admonishments. One is
TD Jakes. He is Pentecostal, but his sermons on marriage are strictly Biblically-based and also have a deep psychological basis. I have listened to his words and wept openly because he brings home not only what can go right in a marriage, but also what goes wrong. His "A Love Story" sermon series (available on YouTube), is fantastic. Mr. Jakes is very plain-spoken and hits the gut with his words.
The second pastor is
Paul Washer. I call Mr. Washer a "pastor of pain". He is absolutely brutal in his treatment of marriage and its facets. Look up "Paul Washer Marriage" and take a listen to his words. It's worth the time.
