2 Very Different Daughters

My two daughters are like the subject of a novel or movie. The older (20 years old) is average looking, a bit overweight, melancholy, not many friends despite years of putting herself out there, not very bright no matter how much help we've tried to get her, stuggles with style and hygeine, you name it. My other (14) has it all - super smart, beautiful features, a stunning figure, kind and loving, outgoing and super popular. We have tried since day one to help the older without killing or hurting her spirit using gentle loving language and words. I know there is only so much we can do but love them both equally and try to help the older as much as possible. We actually find ourselves minimizing our younger one's accomplishments so the older one won't be hurt (i know that's wrong, too) but this has just baffled me as to why God chooses to sometimes 'over bless' one sibling more than another. It makes me sad to see her hurting and yet my younger one is a sweetheart that deserves praise, too...Any advice would be appreciated.

Genes, not God are behind the differences.

The first born is so often the quieter one. She is equally loved and valuable. Introverted people can easily hide their light under a bushel, but they can also have hidden gifts that are so valuable. The terrible body image thing is a great wickedness and makes life so hard for the less than ideal body stereotyped person.

Having a talented sister makes any contrast even more acute. But younger sister must not be made to ease up on her own gifts and abilities. She must be who she really is.

Some tips from a suitable professional might be useful. You obviously are trying hard, and are taking a very sensible approach.

John
NZ

It sounds like your older one just needs more guidance. I assume she is still living with you. What you can do for her is be very specific about what she needs to do, instead of throwing out general guidelines. She is probably less able to organize her life, but still capable of following a good routine that someone else establishes for her.

My younger sister and I had a comparable situation when we grew up. My sister was impeccably organized, and I was not. My mom would tell us to clean our rooms, and my sister's was pristine within a few minutes. Hours later, mine was merely reorganized, but not improved. It just didn't come naturally to me. I would spend a lot of time and effort on it, but getting my belongings (which were numerous) to fit in my room (which was small) in a manner that was visually pleasing to my parents was not a skill I possessed. Sometimes my younger sister felt sorry for me and did it for me. Ultimately, my parents just had to be specific about where they wanted things, instead of expecting me to "figure it out," then have them assess it. Once they organized my room according to their standards, I could easily maintain it. But every time my parents wanted me to put something new in my room (they were somewhat hoarders), they had to be specific about where it went. And that I could do.

It may be that your older daughter simply doesn't visualize body image, style and hygiene the way you do. Can you help her put together some outfits that look neat and classy, so she doesn't have to figure out what goes together? Can you establish a routine for chores that addresses her clothing and hygiene needs, so she doesn't have to plan ahead? For example, require showers, hair/teeth brushing and such in the morning before breakfast; require laundry duties two days a week after she gets home from work/school or before dinner. I think by age 20 it's unlikely that she'll initiate these life skills on her own, so you are probably not depriving her of her independence by prompting a routine that addresses issues she is neglecting. I think weight management is an entirely different battle and a very common problem. Short of strict adherence to a specific nutrition and exercise regime, most people do not learn to lose weight. For that matter, you should either dismiss your concerns about her weight or enroll her in such a program. Exercise classes can be really rewarding and have helped me get back in shape several times, but you have to want to do it to get anything out of it.

I know a family with five talented children and one daughter with Down's syndrome. For them, it was not about getting her to achieve the same things as the other five. They focused on what she could do, and worked with her very closely to help her become a certified dog trainer and groomer. She now works at a kennel and is very good at what she does. As far as I know, she does still live with her parents and probably will always rely on family to some extent. The point is that your daughter can be happy and well-adjusted without being everything or anything that her younger sister is. I don't think you should diminish your younger daughter's accomplishments to "even things out." God made them different. You don't need to pretend they are the same. Encourage both of your daughters to do what they are good at, instead of focusing on getting them to feel equal. Believe it or not, the discrepancy probably bothers you a lot more than it bothers your oldest. Few siblings aspire to be like one another.

tell your 20 year old she is beautiful the way she is and perfect the way she is and god has wonderful plans for her and that her younger sister i am sure even though she looks great i am sure she admires her older sister in ways. hopefully the 14 year old follows god as well and will use her beauty to help gods people and take her time growing into an adult

Just guide your older daughter more and she will find the way.

We have to love our children equally but each in their own way. I have three children, My oldest son is autistic. My daughter is very sensitive but wants to be outgoing. She struggles to learn things like math but sticks to it when she has difficulty. Then our youngest son is very outgoing and smart but thinks he is dumb because he sometimes struggles with things he thinks should come easy to him and gives up easily. We can't possibly hold them all to the same standards so we dont even try. We explain to my daughter that while she is the middle child, her older brother has a handicap, so she has to set the example for both her brothers. We dont push her too hard to do things because she does that for herself. We do push our youngest and explain to him he has it within him to do it. Many parents fall into the trap of comparing one child to another, holding up the accomplishments of one to motivate another. Society and the schools do it as well. Thats not reasonable or fair since each child is different. We try to hold each child to standards for themselves and push them to best thier own accomplishments and point out the marked differences between them and their siblings when they do compare themselves to the others. We also make sure they put each other first and support each other. When one is hurt we dont pull that one aside and take care of them, we pull the whole family together to take care of the one who is hurt. We make sure they know that they are going to have the others in their lives for the rest of their lives and there will be times when their siblings are the only ones they will be able to depend on. In your case the oldest being the one with the poor self image is kind of reversed. Most older children are the ones who are driven towards success and natural leaders since they are usually the ones who have been raised with the responsibility of the younger ones. I can relate because our oldest is incapible of leading his siblings due to autism. We encourage our daughter to take the lead with her siblings and she does. You aren't going to be able to directly influence your oldest daughter's attitude about herself most likely. Children tend to dismiss such encouraging remarks from parents for the very fact that you are her parents. I'll bet your youngest would have a huge impact on her sister though, even with the age differance. My advice is encourage them to depend on each other and point out the strengths each brings to the other, love them both as they are. Praise the younger for her accomplishments, and empower the older one with all the positiveness you can. Body type is really a very superficial standard and let her know that. In the end it really is unimportant. She needs to take care of herself for her own health but killing herself and hating herself for not getting into a size 1 is pointless. Scoring the highest on tests is just as pointless. What matters is actually doing the best you can with what you've got. There are people who are blessed with all kinds of ability or looks or what ever who squander it. There are tons of mediocre people who give their all and go far.

each child is made special and by god i feel.

I agree that every child is special, but it does seem strange sometimes when 2 children from the same parents are so very different. I hope the 2 don't compare themselves with each other now that they are older. But I guess that is inevitable with siblings. I would not praise her in contrast to the younger, but instead find the areas where they are different and encourage the differences. Then the older sister will not feel like you are comparing her to the younger. Bless you and good luck!

Situations like this are strange in our eyes, but God says that those that may seem "less" to us, are actually very valuable (1 Co. 12:22). Contrary to what some have said in this thread, God IS the one behind this difference in your daughters (through genetics), and He has done so for His good purposes (which we may not understand). Remember the situation where the man was born blind (John 9:1-3). Jesus said that his disability was God's plan, for God's glorious purpose. Your older daughter, though clearly not as extreme a circumstance as that man, has the limitations or difficulties she has for those same reasons - God's glorious purpose. In my experience as a Pastor and Counselor, I've learned this about such circumstances:

1) I must learn to trust God... He know what He is doing.
2) I must lead my child to trust Him in the same way.
3) I must learn to delight in the unique and individual way He has made each child, though they may not conform to the standards I (or the world) think are important.

God does all things well - and both of your daughters need to know that He has a glorious purpose for their lives. As their parent, you need to become convinced of that too.

Though not exactly the same subject, a book you might want to pick up that speaks to these kinds of issues is "Just the Way I Am" by Krista Horning.

Have you seen a doctor about your 20 year old? It sounds to me as if she could have depression issues in some degree. (Most young people are meticulous to the point of vanity about hygiene, so any problems with that should be a red flag). if there are no underlying depression issues, try doing things with your 20 year old that will encourage fitness...do a mother-daughter bike ride, or set up a regular morning at the gym together before work/school. Does she have hobbies that can be encouraged? (Photography can be combined with a hike, for example, to take pictures).