as an INTJ woman

This may or may not help, but I'll share anyway.

I used to be solidly ISTJ. I was extreme on every area.

When I got to college and people started ACTUALLY giving their opinion of me to me, I realized something. I didn't let people in. They said (and these were my "closest" friends) that I wasn't EVER vulnerable, ever. I wasn't willing to be wrong. I wasn't willing to give up my pride. I wasn't willing to jump head first into anything without knowing EVERYthing about it.
The change I made - I was willing to open up and do it in areas where I could be hurt by these people. As soon as that happened, the people that liked me now considered me a real friend.
WHY? They could now give to me vs just receiving good advice. I've always been a counselor. People open up to me and I love that they trust me. But it's even better when I trust them.

Take that as you will.
:-J

Now that I read my post, I feel like the more that I become the "ultimate realist" (that's actually a quote from 50 Cent) the more I need to embrace it.

I'm going to get deep here for a second.

When I was growing up, I felt like everything I did was logical. There was zero need for emotion because that always got in the way. Emotion forces you into a mode that only makes bad decisions. Period.

After I started accepting that I feel things VERY intensely, I started feeling the ups as well as the downs. I started really enjoying that God loved me. I started really enjoying that peace that I feel looking at a sunrise at 14,000 feet. I started really enjoying that I feel energized when someone breaks a personal record or PR on a given hike or endurance race. I started really enjoying how I feel when people give when I've made a big mistake. I started really enjoying that brew that Jackson buys me just because he doesn't care about paying for it and he wants to hang out with ME!

I started accepting that I feel things. I started accepting that this world is broken; people are broken and I need to trust them anyway. They will break my trust. They WILL break my trust. That is a given. God commanded another supposed given. I will forgive those people.

Once I accepted that, my friendships flourished. I had a couple of really amazing girlfriends too, though I'm still looking for the one I'll give to for the rest of my life.

I'll end this here. I hope this is encouraging to you.

Being the ultimate realist is a God given concept. He wants us to embrace truth.

I know I spewed at you quite a bit here. However, I feel a lot of things that I think are similar to what you might be feeling.

I'm an INTJ. I have the same issue.

There is no personality type that is doomed to suffer loneliness forever, or become the crazy cat lady/man. An INTJ can find love and be happy as much as any other type can.

Don't let family pressure bother you either. Its OK to not be married. Its ok to wait until you are much, much older to be married. This isn't the 1930's where if you don't get married out of highschool at age 18, there's something wrong with you. This is what our parents/grandparents grew up thinking, and unfortunately some of them can be very forceful of their opinion on their grandkids or kids. Respect them, love them and cherish them, but remember that its your life, and just try to ignore those comments or hints that you should be "married off".

Also, have you considered getting professional help? Talking to a therapist of some type or counselor? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, but they are available to help you. If you're feeling lonely, and having trouble making friends or trusting people, then you could really benefit from having a therapist to talk to. Sometimes its nice just talk about things. It can lead to self-examination and self-realization, and a therapist can help to guide you so you won't be alone.

K9_Trainer said:

Its OK to not be married.

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This. Srsly, being married isn't the end all. Be you!

im an INTJ man and i find the same kind of problems. i have great friends and i love them to death. i just cant seem to find THAT kind of connection. there are women ive had feelings for but i never say anything because im afraid to ruin a friendship. so i definitely understand where youre coming from.

.

.

Sri said:

I'm having a hard time with finding that relationship. I have friends, but none of them feel close. I can spend a whole weekend soley with family instead of friends and it is getting to the point where they make subtle hints of me needing to be married off. I just feel alone. I would at least like friends that are close to me personality wise. meh. I don't know.

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Wow! I just googled INTJ.I have been that way since I was in elementary school.Now that I am 57 years old, it is no wonder that I had a hard time with relationships and communicating with people! Yes,that IS why I am a scientist. I have been married and divorced twice.Maybe INTJ men do not make good husbands because we have such a low tolerance for people acting on emotion and not on logic. We have such a low tolerance for nonsense and stupitity. As I said before," WOW!"

Sri said:

I'm having a hard time with finding that relationship. I have friends, but none of them feel close. I can spend a whole weekend soley with family instead of friends and it is getting to the point where they make subtle hints of me needing to be married off. I just feel alone. I would at least like friends that are close to me personality wise. meh. I don't know.

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It's possible you give off a vibe of being irritable.

I get irritable when I think others are doing something completely asinine

I can only imagine how INTJ's feel considering how efficient they like things to be


My take: People want to be close, but you're not as open as you'd like to believe

I'm an INTJ, too - and relationships are our Archilles' heel because INTJs have extremely high standards. It's not about being "irritable"; I don't have many close friends because when I do make friends, they all end up disappointing me, sometimes even upsetting me because they act in ways that I would never do! Also, I don't like when people "fall apart"; don't get me wrong, INTJs can be very emotional and fall apart themselves, but it's done in private, behind closed doors. Public emotional display isn't something that INTJs tend to do. Similarly, small talk isn't something that we tend to excel at, but I've gotten very good with faking enthusiasm. So yeah, it's hard, when I see people dating and getting engaged and think "I'm still single, why?" I don't know what to tell you, but some of the friendships that I've had have been with scientists/PhDs (not really surprising when I think about it!)...so maybe we INTJs need to spend time hanging around science labs!

Neve said:

I'm an INTJ, too - and relationships are our Archilles' heel because INTJs have extremely high standards. It's not about being "irritable"; I don't have many close friends because when I do make friends, they all end up disappointing me, sometimes even upsetting me because they act in ways that I would never do! Also, I don't like when people "fall apart"; don't get me wrong, INTJs can be very emotional and fall apart themselves, but it's done in private, behind closed doors. Public emotional display isn't something that INTJs tend to do. Similarly, small talk isn't something that we tend to excel at, but I've gotten very good with faking enthusiasm. So yeah, it's hard, when I see people dating and getting engaged and think "I'm still single, why?" I don't know what to tell you, but some of the friendships that I've had have been with scientists/PhDs (not really surprising when I think about it!)...so maybe we INTJs need to spend time hanging around science labs!

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I am an INTJ and I have spent ALOT of time in science labs,since I have been a Clinical Laboratory Scientist for over thirty years.

Guh... I can relate to this more than I'd like to admit, being an I*TJ - sometimes the Myers-Briggs has classified me as an INTJ and sometimes an ISTJ.
Small talk is one of my biggest weaknesses - I can go along with it for so long, but I'd much rather be talking about what makes the other person tick, and sharing life experiences, than prattling on about the weather or the job hunt.

Apparently, most people expect "small talk", but luckily I recently moved to a new city so I now have something to discuss! But generally, I prefer to talk about things with more substance...

I have looked up the "types" that are most compatible with INTJ and they are: ENFP (Inspirer), ENTP (Visionary), and possibly ESTJ (Guardian). I don't bet my life on personality tests, but I do say that being with an extrovert makes sense to me!

Tehchad said:

This may or may not help, but I'll share anyway.

I used to be solidly ISTJ. I was extreme on every area.

When I got to college and people started ACTUALLY giving their opinion of me to me, I realized something. I didn't let people in. They said (and these were my "closest" friends) that I wasn't EVER vulnerable, ever. I wasn't willing to be wrong. I wasn't willing to give up my pride. I wasn't willing to jump head first into anything without knowing EVERYthing about it.
The change I made - I was willing to open up and do it in areas where I could be hurt by these people. As soon as that happened, the people that liked me now considered me a real friend.
WHY? They could now give to me vs just receiving good advice. I've always been a counselor. People open up to me and I love that they trust me. But it's even better when I trust them.

Take that as you will.
:-J

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That sounds very familiar to me. I don't let people in easily. I have a serious block in my brain that keeps me from really being able to talk about myself or my life in any real way. I've always been like that. I watch people who freely talk about struggles in their life and are totally open about what is on their hearts, and that always floors me. Because I have such a hard time doing that myself. I hate talking about myself in any real way. I'm the girl who, when asked how life is, I just say "life is good." No matter what is actually going on, and I quickly change the subject to anything other than me or my life. I'm very good at, and love, deep conversations. Just so long as they're not about me.

If I am talking to you about something real in my life, particularly things I may be struggling with, it means I trust you. Completely and without question.

I am slowly getting better. I push myself to open up more and to trust people more, and I've noticed people responding to that. the more I trust them... the more they trust me. And the closer friends we become. Its almost like a revelation to me. I still suck at talking about myself and I do need people in my life to draw me out and make me talk (thankfully I do), and I suspect it'll be something I need to push myself on all my life. but I am better than what I was. And hopefully I will continue to grow and break out of my shell.

Oh yes. And I am ISFP.

As an INTx -- I know, it's a world of difference -- I can relate. With one qualifying statement, though, as there must always be a qualifying statement with these things.

I think I've gotten to the point where being single doesn't bother me so much, and few people ever really chide me for my eternal singleness anymore. As long as I have a shovel, some dirt, and plants that need planting, I'm happy enough. Oh, and there must also be cats. And maybe coffee. And books. And various other things I forgot to mention. But mostly just the plants and coffee. In reality, I don''t really need those things, but they're helpful for feeling some measure of contentment. It's not that I've given up hope, I just don't mind the idea of being alone anymore.

Of course.... it's that silly x that always got in the way. I'd evict it, but I'd feel weird cheating on a personality test.

Speaking from personal experience it can definitely be difficult. I don't know how much of what I go through is personal preference, results of life experiences, or selfishness on the part of others. Only God knows that for sure, but I know there are several reasons behind different things.

But I can say in many facets of life it's definitely a frustrating thing, especially in terms of finding people like me, with the same goals, tolerances, interests and so on. It's not easy for me. The discouraging part is always that it seems everyone else takes things for granted because things just happen for them.

But at least know that there's another voice out there saying you aren't alone.