gentlemanship

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

I guess I just wanted to mention something I had put on my fb but I guess peoples response tid bit bothered...me I was venting about something and found it comical but I guess some of my female peers didnt.

I dont go alot of places with my bf he is a cheapo and a homebody but either way we went to the dmv to take his cousin to get his driver test done...we both went to the bathroom...i was in a few mins touching my makeup up.. when i got out he was not there...i thought maybe he was still in there so i wait a min or 2 but i was like hmm i know he didnt step out...and he had...he was outside the building already and already across the parking lot with his cousin who was getting ready to test...i ask him why he didnt wait for me and he was like youre a grown woman..why would i you arent my child? and i told him no...whats polite is the young man waits outside the bathroom for his lady...and he was like i didnt know how long you were going to be in there or if you were going to take a #2 and i wasnt going to wait forever...he was a little surprised that i thought he would wait...and i told him i waited for you and he was like why would you do that...im not your child..i dont need to be looked after and im like no its just polite...

Either way some peers of mine believe i deserve better based on this alone and should leave him?? i think thats a lil harsh....my dad always taught me that you have to teach people how to treat you....my bf is not the tradiontalist type and was not raised in the least bit in the ways of a gentleman...advice ...comments?

amor conquista todo · Sep 25, 2010

its hard..coz on one hand your father is right..we do show people how to treat us.. some guys just have no clue about what they are expected to do in relationships..that dosent mean they arent going to learn.. but that person has to be willing to learn.. and most men want to make their woman happy & therefore will compromise with you on stuff..
but if hes doing things that annoy/upset you constantly..and dosent want to change..it could create problems.. relationships are all about compromise..you both have to meet half way..
another thing i want to say is..you have to learn to pick your battles.. is he wonderful to you in other ways?? then having him waiting for you while you are in toilet isnt such a big thing..
id rather have a man who will be loyal & faithful rather than one who will wait, yet play me behind my back..feel me??
sometimes its the lil things that show alot about a person & how they will treat you overall.. so im not saying ignore this..just take note.. its also not something to leave someone over.. maybe he just dosent see the logic in waiting??? dosent make him a bad guy..
if it really upsets you..try talking to him about it again..

i have a friend who has a wonderful man in every other area..yet when out shopping he'll walk ahead of her.. he likes to just get the shopping stuff over & done with quick.. it aint his thing.. shes a window shopper.. he hates walking slow.. she sees it as rude.. she wants him to walk beside her holding her hand etc.. she explained though how it makes her feel like he should be proud to walk beside her..etc etc.. & they came to a compromise.. shed still love him to be the way she wants.. but its not something shes going to walk away from the relationship from..feel me..
look at all other areas in your relationship is what im trying to say with all my babbling here..

Peacedove · Sep 25, 2010

I am concerned that you are even having to ask for advice because this in itself tells me that you already know what to do but are just looking for confirmation that you are right. Sometimes I think we have an inbuilt meter telling us when we are doing the right thing and when we are with the right person. Listen to God and listen to your heart, you will probably be surprised to find that the both agree when you sit and truly listen.

ezeric · Sep 25, 2010

"Either way some peers of mine believe i deserve better based on this alone and should leave him?"

We are all supposed to be treated like this!
We are all supposed to treat others like this!
Including females to males.

Love serves.
It doesn't look to be served.

Now of course some one might say, "I'll see you outside, unless you want me to wait"
that might just be 'serving' the other, so time isn't wasted.
For expediency sake.

As long as it doesn't offend the other.

Love is patient
Love keeps no record of wrongs
1 Corinthians 13

-eric

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

amor conquista todo said:
its hard..coz on one hand your father is right..we do show people how to treat us.. some guys just have no clue about what they are expected to do in relationships..that dosent mean they arent going to learn.. but that person has to be willing to learn.. and most men want to make their woman happy & therefore will compromise with you on stuff..
but if hes doing things that annoy/upset you constantly..and dosent want to change..it could create problems.. relationships are all about compromise..you both have to meet half way..
another thing i want to say is..you have to learn to pick your battles.. is he wonderful to you in other ways?? then having him waiting for you while you are in toilet isnt such a big thing..
id rather have a man who will be loyal & faithful rather than one who will wait, yet play me behind my back..feel me??
sometimes its the lil things that show alot about a person & how they will treat you overall.. so im not saying ignore this..just take note.. its also not something to leave someone over.. maybe he just dosent see the logic in waiting??? dosent make him a bad guy..
if it really upsets you..try talking to him about it again..

i have a friend who has a wonderful man in every other area..yet when out shopping he'll walk ahead of her.. he likes to just get the shopping stuff over & done with quick.. it aint his thing.. shes a window shopper.. he hates walking slow.. she sees it as rude.. she wants him to walk beside her holding her hand etc.. she explained though how it makes her feel like he should be proud to walk beside her..etc etc.. & they came to a compromise.. shed still love him to be the way she wants.. but its not something shes going to walk away from the relationship from..feel me..
look at all other areas in your relationship is what im trying to say with all my babbling here..

Thank you for your response...in my relationship I try not to compare my guy to others.and its funny how something im not really tripping over someone else will "oh no i could never be in a relationship where that happens etc etc" and then ill be like wait should i be bothered by this too ( doubt)...oh i wasnt angered by this when he did this just a little surprised....but i do take the good with the bad and try to pick the battles...and not trip over a little thing...because i know someone not opening a door isnt a deal breaker or a sign that they are good person...my sister's husband who waits for her outside the bathroom when she goes..as i reported in another thread..has been having sex in her car with another woman and violent towards her...so its like give and take you know....but i appreciate your post. Thanks.

FallenPaladin · Sep 25, 2010

If you pick a guy who has poor manners you will end up with a guy who has poor manners. You can't mother him into being a good boy. Those days are long gone in his life since he's all growed up now.

Macx · Sep 25, 2010

FallenPaladin said:
If you pick a guy who has poor manners you will end up with a guy who has poor manners. You can't mother him into being a good boy. Those days are long gone in his life since he's all growed up now.

I only agree because of the attitude he displayed when he responded to her. If he was willing to be schooled in what it is to be a man, it'd be one thing . . . this response

i didnt know how long you were going to be in there or if you were going to take a #2 and i wasnt going to wait forever...he was a little surprised that i thought he would wait...and i told him i waited for you and he was like why would you do that...im not your child..i dont need to be looked after and im like no its just polite...

tells me he isn't even open to being a grown up.

If on the other hand he'd been like "Hey I'm sorry, I should have thought about that . . next time I'll do this and such differently" or in some other way conveyed "oh, this is whats expected of me and this relationship is important enough to me for me to deliver" . . it doesn't matter if his motives are wanting to do right by the relationship or internally just wanting to have dignity but a willingness to change for the better seems lacking . . .

TheDag · Sep 25, 2010

I'm going to address two points here. The first bit you might not like but please consider it.

In all honesty I would say you were just as much at fault as him for the misunderstanding. When you went to the bathroom could you have not used manners by either asking where to meet or saying I'll meet you back here? A example from my life was that I was offended at first when I learnt my wife was not going to change her name when we got married. After all that is just the way things are done. you get married and the woman changes her surname to her husbands. Some might say this is a bad sign that she won't commit to our marriage. However that is not the case and when I thought through why I was offended I realised I had no reason to be upset about it. These days we joke that my wife fully respects my choice not to change my surname to match hers!

So three questions to ask yourself
1. did you have any right to expect him to be waiting there?
2. If you think yes then why? why as in why is that the right thing. I personally find some things considered manners are just a load of rubbish going back to times of servants and slaves. others are justified.
3. Is he committed to growth and improving
A good way of finding out if he is committed to growth (improving ones self) is by doing a study together. My wife and I read the books Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend. There are study guides available in the US for all of these. We read one chapter a week and discussed issues that arose from it. Sometimes I needed prompting because I didn't see an issue or because I was tired and wanted to finish and go to sleep but we learnt alot about each other and developed skills for handling situations like the one you and you bf were in. If you do this you should learn quick smart if he is willing to improve himself when he can but just remember you may have to change your expectations as you may have wrong expectations.
If he is not willing to do this and improve himself then I would be very careful.

Hopefully though this was just a comical misunderstanding and nothing to be concerned over.

SportsJunkie25 · Sep 25, 2010

I think it's a little harsh to break up with your bf because he didn't wait for you to get out of the bathroom. But, I get where you're coming from; I'd be thinking the same thing too. Anyway, my focus is a little more on his response to you--he seems very rude. I would think most people would say, "Oh, ok. Sorry." or something like that...but he made it seem like you were silly for insenuating that he should have waited for you. Eg "You're a grown woman!" "I'm not your child." etc.

Like they say, sometimes, it's not about what people do to us...it's how they respond to us. Based on your OP, he seems to be the type of person that dismisses your concerns. If that's the case, your relatioship won't go very far. Has he done other things during your relationship that you would consider rude? Has he dismissed your concerns in the past? Or, is this his "first offense" so-to-speak?

Macx · Sep 25, 2010

TheDag said:
1. did you have any right to expect him to be waiting there?

I think she does. A man with even passable etiquette would wait.

2. If you think yes then why? why as in why is that the right thing. I personally find some things considered manners are just a load of rubbish going back to times of servants and slaves. others are justified.

This fits into the realm of justified. All kinds of freaky predators out there. Shortly after the first scream, a predator will find portions of his right ear on the wall imediately left of the hole his frontal lobe used to occupy . . . can't do that if I run off and do my own thing, instead of my duty to protect. . . . as a man.

3. Is he committed to growth and improving

If he is, give him a few more chances, if he isn't, leave him to less intellignet women .. the gene pool needs selectiveness.

sbbqb7n16 · Sep 25, 2010

It would be my guess that your bf was raised by his mom alone. And that she was very focused on being strong and independent. Encouraging him to look out for himself, and setting the example for him that a woman should be able to take care of herself.
I'd bet that he highly values independence.

His reply just seems to say that he feels you are a mature person, and doesn't see waiting for you as polite, but rather as saying "you aren't strong enough to figure out where we're going so I'll wait for you so you don't get lost" - obv he reads the situation differently than you do (and most other people in this thread). So, where you want him to wait because you think it's polite to wait, he thinks it might insult your intelligence.

So it's just a normal case of communication. Tell him you like walking somewhere with him more than having to walk there by yourself cause you like him being around. He'd probably understand that.

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

SportsJunkie25 said:
I think it's a little harsh to break up with your bf because he didn't wait for you to get out of the bathroom. But, I get where you're coming from; I'd be thinking the same thing too. Anyway, my focus is a little more on his response to you--he seems very rude. I would think most people would say, "Oh, ok. Sorry." or something like that...but he made it seem like you were silly for insenuating that he should have waited for you. Eg "You're a grown woman!" "I'm not your child." etc.

Like they say, sometimes, it's not about what people do to us...it's how they respond to us. Based on your OP, he seems to be the type of person that dismisses your concerns. If that's the case, your relatioship won't go very far. Has he done other things during your relationship that you would consider rude? Has he dismissed your concerns in the past? Or, is this his "first offense" so-to-speak?

From his mother..all his friends and all his family...for better word instead of using the "A" word...hes known as the family jerk..they tell me to curse him out..thats what they do and believe its okay to conduct themselves but im not going to do that.

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

sbbqb7n16 said:
It would be my guess that your bf was raised by his mom alone. And that she was very focused on being strong and independent. Encouraging him to look out for himself, and setting the example for him that a woman should be able to take care of herself.
I'd bet that he highly values independence.

His reply just seems to say that he feels you are a mature person, and doesn't see waiting for you as polite, but rather as saying "you aren't strong enough to figure out where we're going so I'll wait for you so you don't get lost" - obv he reads the situation differently than you do (and most other people in this thread). So, where you want him to wait because you think it's polite to wait, he thinks it might insult your intelligence.

So it's just a normal case of communication. Tell him you like walking somewhere with him more than having to walk there by yourself cause you like him being around. He'd probably understand that.

thank you i should speak to you more for insight...yes my bf grew up in a broken home..in fact his mother wasnt there and when she did she starved and beat him.......hes a foster child...his mother was a strung out pro and marked her pimp as the father(thats the family he is with now) so he had to survive on his own in the ghetto selling drugs,,partying with hecka girls,,,carrying guns all that and do for himself...like he always says hes not going to baby me...but alot of what you were directing towards is how he feela...he always try to tell me be on my own...dont depend on nobody etc...why you need me around etc or your friend cuz he grew up without nothing...and he is still stuck in that mentality-get yours..only got you...dont let no one in...so i try to view really all the decisions he makes because of that...and how to treat a woman...he was in one of those families where there was one rule: dont get anybody knocked up....so i have been praying for him etc...if his ways of thinking/view on life is something i can deal with cuz he grew up rough...real rough

he has a few college degrees...and a real good job as a police officer but that hood mentality hes not shaking ...

sbbqb7n16 · Sep 25, 2010

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

When you see his background, you understand a lot more about why he does what he does. Each of us will have our own background, and will view the world a certain way. So when you take a guy like me who grew up in a white middle class home, with 2 loving parents, and try to compare my life to his - how could you ever expect him to act like you think I should?

My world was polite and loving. His was far from it.

In his world - you look out for yourself. You are responsible for you. The only people you wait on are children who aren't old enough to look out for themselves yet, although even kids better catch on quick - cause who knows when they'll have to defend themselves against their drug addicted mother?

That was his world - and it shaped his worldview.

And then as his profession, he deals with people who break the law all day. It's stressful. It's demanding. It forces him to look for the evil in society all day long.

So it would be very hard for us who had an admittedly easy childhood (by comparison) to expect this guy to display all the "manners" we've been taught our whole lives.

What you need to determine then, is are you okay with that?
Is it worth putting up with some awkward/uncomfortable situations due to different worldviews to keep him in your life?
Would you be able to work on communicating with him to work situations like that out?

He might even be a "cheapo" because is his world - he's worked for everything he's got, and no one's gonna take it from him easily. So paying to go to a movie? "No. They're not gonna rip me off!" Paying for a fancy dinner? "Why do I need all that fancy junk, I know how to cook for myself!"

He may be a "homebody" because in spite of all of his strength, the world is a scary place. With all he sees in a day - he may just want to get away from it all and stay inside where he can get a glimpse of peace in the world. (Which is very reasonable when you look at the world through how he sees it)

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

@sbbq7n16

yea because when ive tried to get fancy hotel for like oooo anniversary...celebration this or that...he doesnt understand it...he like why i can stay at home but i was finally able to take him on a vacation and it was a def experience for him..i took him too a health food store the other day one i grew up going too...and he refused to let me even treat him for ice cream because he said it was a rich white people store who thought they were too better to eat regular food...is like pulling teeth a bit..and oh yes money..he dont like spending money def not on a female...so the gifts i have gotten were few...hes used to gold diggers..so he dont give lol...it doesnt bother me that much but im like hmmmm...my gf jokes that i should stop dating men from the ghetto...its hard..alot of black and hispanic men are raised in environments like this..

Forealzchola · Sep 25, 2010

@sb my bf is working on his second b.a. so i hope that when he transfers to school in my city it will get better for his perception....he lives right now in one of the most dangerous cities in california..he is so used to fighting...struggle...i told him you can get to a point in your life where you arent always trying to fight or feel that you need to...maybe the dog not on the leash next door but thats it...you can be a peace not have to watch your back or looking around every corner...not trusting people because they think you are going to do you wrong..

Hiroyuki · Sep 25, 2010

God joins ppl by soul and flesh... stay away from temptation.

Simple.

Macx · Sep 25, 2010

Forealzchola said:
he has a few college degrees...and a real good job as a police officer but that hood mentality hes not shaking ...

If he is a cop and not looking out for you better than this. . . . you are about as disposable in his mind's eye as a ballpoint with a < $25 price tag. A cop would never not wait . . . that he's a cop and doesn't get it, is a BIGGER red flag than the OP. A cop should be thinking.

Forealzchola · Sep 26, 2010

Macx said:
If he is a cop and not looking out for you better than this. . . . you are about as disposable in his mind's eye as a ballpoint with a < $25 price tag. A cop would never not wait . . . that he's a cop and doesn't get it, is a BIGGER red flag than the OP. A cop should be thinking.

it ws just a job...source of income for him...he wasnt trying to "save mankind" he left his work at work..and after that its whatever

razeontherock · Sep 26, 2010

I disagree w/ Macx, unless you're in a high crime area. Even then, at the DMV? Who's going to violently assault someone there? And social customs are not universal. One of the biggest difficulties between the sexes is women expect men to be mind-readers, because women basically do that with each other. It's difficult to make the necessary adjustments, but communication is always key.

The other thing, about the 'hood aspect of this guy, and his being the family jerk. I don't mean to offend anybody here, but the profession attracts those types, allows them to flourish, and to an extent even promotes that. Being attached to him would definitely make you his "softer side." You have to decide if what you offer vs what you get in return is a good deal for you.

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