Amy wrote:
Jesus fell beneath His cross many times but He got up!
This is true. However, there came a point when he was incapable of getting up. Was he then condemned for his weakness? Was he then stopped in his mission of saving others?
No. Another man was provided to carry his cross for him the rest of the way.
I am reminded of the story of the footsprints in the sand. You probably all know it: A man dreamed that he looked upon his life as a trek across the sand. He saw two pairs of footprints everywhere he had gone--his own, and the Lord's. But then he noticed that in his hardest moments, there was only one set of footprints. He cried out, "Lord, why did you forsake me in my times of greatest need?"
"My child," the Lord replied. "I will never leave you. Those times, the footsteps were mine. I carried you."
Normally, it is told that that the second set of footprints were Jesus'. I have said "the Lord" to emphasize that Jesus went through what the man went through and also felt like he was alone. But God provided someone to carry his cross for him. Whether it be another person or God Himself, we don't face our trials alone.
Perhaps it is Jesus in you, Monica, who is feeling the most forsaken feelings. He cannot feel Jesus is with him if he doesn't know he is Jesus himself. This probably sounds like gibberish, and maybe it is. I am grasping at something hard to understand and explain. Perhaps I could say that the divine in you has not realized itself because it has been humbled with such a heavy load of oppression. You do not agree with the thoughts that have been coming to you because you are by nature a child of God. That is all that you need to know. Feelings come and go, although I'm not making light of them. I know that what you are experiencing is hell. But even Jesus was thrown into Hell. Would you condemn him because of it?
You had feelings of hate, which I believe Satan directed towards Jesus. I think those were not your feelings but Satan's. You were angry because you were in such pain. Anger is only natural in such a state. I know what it's like to be so lost and deceived (and I mean, while a Christian, not before I was saved) and oppressed that I thought Satan's thoughts and even believed I was him. This was, in general, during the pinnacle of my spiritual life, my wedding and honeymoon period with Jesus! Satan used my mental illness to hurt me, and maybe others through me, but he could only do it under the umbrella of God's will. That will was the same as His will for you: "All things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to his purpose" ...That purpose is to mold us to the image of Christ. As has been shared above, Christ has been through all you are going through and all I have gone through, and much worse. We must not think that we are any more "fortunate" than our Master.
More foolishness, from that time, while I was in the hospital with my broken hip, focusing on Jesus:
He told me, "We are going on the greatest spy mission ever. You will be under some deception. Some people will even think you are possessed. But don't worry; I will be glorified through this."
In the state of perfect trust that characterized that period of my life (with all my inhibitions stripped), I thought that the result would be some grand, glorious wonder everyone would see and that I would be vindicated shortly. The truth is that his will in this is grand and glorious, but few see, and I have not been vindicated. Those who came to despise me for what I went through despise me still. I have to carry the cross of a mental illness, with all its stigma and shame and embarrassment. Other Christians don't understand me. I could go on. But I needn't dwell on the negative. The positive is the change deep within me, the reflection of Christ in my life. It is all for me and Jesus. No wonder he married me! I would have nothing without partnership with him. Mere worship from afar will not do. I always come back to Paul's words: "If we are beside ourselves, it is for God. If we are in our right minds, it is for you." Paul apparently knew what it is like to be insane, like me! And he said it was for God. What did he mean? Did he grow in God through it, like I did? Did he please God in a special way by the way God's light shone into or through him while he was out of his mind? I don't know, but God did those things for me and in me.
Monica, do you believe that you are beside yourself, or have been? Was this sort of thing perhaps like what Paul went through? Be comforted with knowing how much God used Paul in all his sufferings.
Now, do dig even deeper, I'm going to touch a painful and controversial subject. It is what many called being possessed. Others did indeed accuse me of this "crime." I didn't believe I was possessed, but at one point I thought God wanted me to tell someone else I had a demon in me because it was the only way to get that person to come and pray for me. I was afraid that an exorcism would be a horrible experience for me, but I was wrong. And the prayers of two pastors relieved my oppression instantly, gave me back my sense of judgment, and let Christ's Spirit in me be in charge. But it didn't all last completely. I was still ill. Only medication relieved me of my state, and that just as quickly as the prayer (it was an injection, so it worked fast). I could say more about what followed; it wasn't pretty. The mental illness as a whole was not gone, I just wasn't manic anymore.
Anyway, I want to say more about this possession idea. Some say Christians can't be possessed. Others say they can. I read an interesting book by an exorcist that said that some saints have been possessed at times. It was a humbling experience for them, and that seems to be the reason for what they went through. I am no longer afraid of being possessed, because even should I be at any time, demons cannot separate me from the love of God. If Satan can (only with God's permission can he) come into my body and speak lies and blasphemies out of my mouth, I am not responsible for what he did in me. God knows it is not me, but sin within me, doing these things.
Furthermore, the fear is more removed from me by a change in terminology. I cannot be possessed by Satan or a demon because I am the possession of the Trinity, bought and paid for. My pastor uses the term "demonized." Demonization has different levels of severity, and rarely does it inflict a person to the point of possession. And if you read the accounts of the possessed in the Bible, you will see that Jesus always treated them as victims, not (as many Christians would accuse) as criminals. He cast out the demons, never said a word against the victim, and cleaned and cleared every one of them. In some instances he even used the word "healed." Some today think that possession was just another word back then for mental illness. While I don't swallow the entire claim, I think that in some cases it is.
My illness, especially when I am particularly sick, makes me more vulnerable to the spirit realm. When I am manic, my faith might be stronger, but I am also liable to be deceived and oppressed, even demonized. But because of the fire I have been through, I have no terror of being there again. My God has carried me through it, and if I have to face it again and again, I will. For He will carry me, I know from experience. Of course, I take care of myself and fight the illness, and have reached a point in my medical care where I may never be severely manic again. Thank God! But it's worth having gone through insanity to overcome the fear of insanity. The devil can touch me, but he cannot destroy me. This is none of my doing. It is only God's.
I don't believe I have ever told anyone about the "spy mission," in so many words. Thinking it was the greatest of all time would cause some to say I had delusions of grandeur. That's okay. I had many such delusions in my drugged and manic state. But if I have helped you by this, Monica, I don't think that the words I heard from Jesus were hyperbole after all. If you see the spy mission as something bigger than my own adventures--if many are involved in it somehow, then I heard from Him aright. If I didn't, that's okay. It helped me. How else could I have known I would be deceived and thought possessed, and still keep myself in peace and trust? Neither would have been possible under the circumstances with any other words, I think. God is good. Always.
Love to you always, Monica, and to everyone who reads these words. I am able to bear my soul to you people as to no one else. I appreciate it more deeply than you can know.
