Godless and Pointless--this is LONG

TheAcherMan · Aug 27, 2008

After being in spiritual depression for so long, I feel that bringing up issues one at a time isn't going to cut it. I've decided to lay everything out on the table (though even this isn't everything), from beginning to end. This will be long and only as organized as the thoughts of a man who's lost all direction in life can be. Feel no pressure to read or respond because, as I will expound upon later, I believe you would be wasting your time. I'll start with the beginning of my slump, as I call it.

Last Summer

In June, 2007, I had just finished my senior year of high school in Europe (I'm a missionary kid), and things were going well. I felt that my up-and-down spiritual life had finally leveled out and I actually looked toward college with some confidence. However, the peace I had disappeared. I found myself not caring about God, not wanting to serve him, and not caring about what he had done for me. A guilt rose inside of me because I loved God less than I knew I should. I was terrified of the indifference I felt toward him. I had always been logical enough to never find purpose in anything carnal. So if I lost my connection with God, I would be completely lost and purposeless. That was my fear and it happened. As much as I prayed, read the Bible, and strained to hold onto a love for God, my connection with him weakened. There was a part of me rising, a part that was deeper than I could control. As it rose in me, I began to think anti-God thoughts, thoughts of how I didn't need God and how God was just a nuisance to put up with. This part of me wanted a world of harsh, chaotic realism, not a God that didn't seem to work. I tried to fight this part of me, but was no use. My heart had turned to stone and I couldn't fight it. That's when I learned that you can't control your own heart. Either you love God or you don't. It's not your choice.

Last School Year

I started school (a Christian college), feeling terribly insecure and unmotivated because of my lack of peace in life. Without God, I had no drive to do anything because I could only look at the world and see pointless chaos. For a while, I continued to try to come back to God, to sort out my differences with him. But I had been trying for so long and it was becoming clear that it was pointless. So, a month or so into my freshman year of college, I stopped trying, stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible. I just got rid of all that burdensome stuff. Really, it was nice to be free. However, I figured I didn't want to live so pointlessly for my whole life, so I started going to counseling. At first it was nice to have someone on campus that I could be very open with. But that was when I still had some hope and was fighting to get out of this slump. By second semester, I was ready to give up completely. I decided to live life as best I could without God. But that didn't work out too well. I couldn't fool myself into thinking I had some kind of purpose in life. I was still miserable. By that time I was on a minimal dose of anti-depressants at the recommendation of my counselor. I'm still on them. I don't think they've ever done much.

This Summer

I wasted my summer. I spent most of it with my family doing absolutely nothing. I should've gotten a job or at least done something productive, but I didn't. I had no drive to find a job. Working would mean investing in and putting hope into a world which held no purpose for me. God had been the only thing that ever gave meaning to the world. Without him, I've been forced to adopt a chaotic pointless view of it... which doesn't exactly help with motivation. So I spent my summer frustrated with myself for doing absolutely nothing. Now that the summer is over, I can honestly say that I don't think I've changed or matured these past months. All they've done is let me dread the return to real life.

Now

I returned to school yesterday. Just as I expected, I'm miserable. I don't want to be here. I don't care about the people here because I'm too disconnected from life to invest in people. I've become a bit of a grumpy hermit. I don't care about classes. Why is my major undeclared? Because I don't care about anything in life! I have no ambitions, nothing I want to do in this world or commit my life to. So here I am facing another year, doomed to work every day on things I don't care about. Whenever I have a moment to myself, I will ask myself what the heck I'm doing. I'll remind myself of how miserable, isolated, and pointless my life is.

Conclusion

I was a Christian, but am not even sure what to call myself anymore. I no longer have any idea if my death would bring heaven or hell. I just know that I'm not on speaking terms with God and that the mention of him by others in a personal manner results in an angry annoyance inside of me. I continue to become disconnected from life. Questions like what's the point of this? and how can I justify that now rule my life as I hesitate to indulge in anything. Everything is pointless. Friends are just another burden. God is a vapor of what was once hope but is now bitterness. My relationship with God didn't work, no matter how I tried. I believed all the biblical things I should have believed, I trusted him as much as I could, and I gave him every chance I could. It just didn't work. Of course, like I said, you can't control your own heart. So maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I believed this God crap the whole time. Who knows? All I know is that if somebody comes to me with another encouraging Jesus died for you and wants to know you personally, or God loves you and there's nothing you can do about it or God can heal any wound or anything like that, I'm going to be sick. I've heard it all. I've tested it out. All God ever gave me was confusion, pain, and a strong sense that I was never meant to be a Christian.

Obviously, I'm not happy where I am. But I have given up on changing anything. I don't want to go back to what my relationship with God was, and I am skeptical of any solution to make things better. I've heard much and I've tried much, but I am pretty convinced at this point that God and I don't mix. I haven't even thought about the essence of my slump much lately, because I know there's no point. At this point, I am guarded against anybody's help or advice, because I frankly don't believe any good will come of it.

tansy · Aug 27, 2008

Hello there TheAcherman
I'm afraid I don.t really know how to help you.. Am not good at this sort of stuff, specially when one's not speaking face to face. I don't know the cause of all your problems, but do know that I.ve had times of great darkness, though maybe not as prolonged as yours.
Sometimes life seems pretty pointless and chaotic to me, but have found that God's always helped me through. Maybe you're not supposed to go back to the relationship that you had with God before---maybe He wants a different sort of relationship---I know that mine's always changing. Maybe you should actually stop worrying about it. Just say to God that you've had it, tried everything, nothing works, so now theball's in His court---and then get on with your life, and just see what happens. I've certainly said stuff to God like that before and somehow He keeps me going.
Sorry---I,m really afraid this is'nt much help---hopefully other peoplewith much more wisdom and love than I will be able to respond to you better.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone, even if you're mind=achingly and soul=achingly in the depths of darkness and despair. I know, however briefly, how gut-wrenchingly abysmal that is. I so, so hope that you will get through this somehow.

IndomitableAmy · Aug 28, 2008

TheAcherMan said:
I had always been logical enough to never find purpose in anything carnal. So if I lost my connection with God, I would be completely lost and purposeless. That was my fear and it happened.

This sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. Have you ever considered this belief may be a destructive one for you?

If you are truly sure everything is pointless, there is no hope for you, and no one could possibly help... then you are right.

If you think that maybe not everything is pointless, that there might be hope for you, and that maybe someone could help.. then you'd probably be right then, too.

Which do you want?

spacemanspiff02 · Sep 11, 2008

In some ways I'm kinda where you are at but at a much later stage in life.

I can't give you any sound advice as I still believe GOD exists and works in other peoples lives. I don't even know how to explain my relationship with him, but I've never fully committed myself to Christianity partly because I'm an eternal procrastinator and I fully fear what would happen if things didn't turn around. Would I lose all faith and hope? If that happened I'm pretty sure I'd be dead from sinking so deep into depression I don't think I could hold on anymore.

The bonus is that you still have youth on your side. Maybe all you need to do is take a break and come back later. Try to find whatever little thing that makes you happy and run with it (unless it's something like wanting to be a movie star or sports star or famous musician - because although it could happen, you could also spend your life chasing a dream that never happens and wake up and have to figure out what to do now)
Maybe that little bit of happiness will expand and you'll find yourself coming back to life. You need to nip the little grumpy hermit in the but before he becomes big and you are completly isolated and get further depressed and it becomes a chore to find stuff in common with people.

If you have parents and they are not poor, tell them you want to take a break and go travel, it might inspire you or do something to make sure you have some skill to make some dough or not having money for stuff you do want to do will make you pull back more.

Wackotic · Sep 11, 2008

Being your age and having recently gone through this, I've gone through the same thing you have to the point of renouncing my faith entirely. Maybe that's what you are going through. I relate to everything you said. You are no doubt feeling bitter, apathetic, fearful, and hopeless, but maybe take the time to identify your interests, broaden your scope of what constitutes existence. Find what you really believe and why. Well, that's what happened with this head-case (I'm not calling you a head-case). Things seem bad, but God even works these things out for the long-term. I hope you find something that inspires you. I hope you find what you love and what you would excell in so that you can find a major (and I'm still praying to find the right major even though I keep thinking that this is it, that I've found it.).

But in high school when I was afraid to question anything taught by my spiritual teachers, I became a fearful zombie at some point. Going through the not-Christian phase helped me to critically analyze what made sense to me in a way that was objective enough to realize that subjectivity is inescapable as is faith, even if that faith is in nothing supernatural. However, researching many religions restored my belief in theism to Christianity for MY own reasons. It was quite liberating. Maybe this is your time to make something your own. I'm coming to think, from reading similar posts from people of our age that this is not uncommon.

So good luck. These are my thoughts from having been there not long ago (though the drifting period started like two years ago and resulted in the deconversion stage which kinda made me a clean slate to reconsider things without fear imposed by Christian groups versus God himself).

yesult · Sep 15, 2008

First of all bless you :wave:

and hugs for reaching out in honesty. :hug:

Parts of my post might come across as sounding as brutal, but please don't take anything I say as an attack on you personally in the sense of I think you're a failure or I'm in any way trying to make you feel like one - I'm definatly not.
You've posted honestly and I want to answer as honestly as I can too - and hopefully help to some degree.
I'll be adding a prayer for you too because it sounds like you really need that and to be carried spiritually at the moment.

I think it's easier if I just respond to your points as you make them rather then give a big thing at the end - so I'll do that.

Last Summer

In June, 2007, I had just finished my senior year of high school in Europe (I'm a missionary kid), and things were going well. I felt that my up-and-down spiritual life had finally leveled out and I actually looked toward college with some confidence. However, the peace I had disappeared. I found myself not caring about God, not wanting to serve him, and not caring about what he had done for me. So the devil came in like a flood - were there logical reasons for the about face in attitude - like places where you felt God had failed you and you were just denying them or something? You felt you'd failed him, failed others? A guilt rose inside of me because I loved God less than I knew I should. I was terrified of the indifference I felt toward him. If you felt you had buried, sub-concious reason too - I can understand that, but if your feelings could just change for no reason whatsoever - then how deep were they in the first place? (Or should I say what were they based on in the first place? Feelings are just feelings. What was their foundation?
I had always been logical enough to never find purpose in anything carnal. So if I lost my connection with God, I would be completely lost and purposeless. If your feelings for God are without foundation, and the devil comes in to rock your world....... That was my fear and it happened. As much as I prayed, read the Bible, and strained to hold onto a love for God, my connection with him weakened. There was a part of me rising, a part that was deeper than I could control. Faith is not a feeling, it's a decision. Even the patriachs faltered at times. David, even though he knew God had appointed him as King over israel gave up and went over to the enemy because he thought Saul was just going to kill him. He didn't actually kill any of his own people but he was lining up in battle to do it when the Philistine king decided not to use him and his men. What David was planning to do when he started fighting is unknown. Maybe token fight - maybe just turn on the philistines mid-battle and get wiped out?Abrahem and Sarah both laughed at God when he said they would have a son. Moses was so discouraged when God finally appeared to him that he asked God to send someone else. Many prophets despaired. The entire book of Job is filled with Job complaining that God was being unfair. Jesus asked that he not have to go to the cross - and he was perfect. As it rose in me, I began to think anti-God thoughts, thoughts of how I didn't need God and how God was just a nuisance to put up with. Once again, sometimes our faith has to be a decision - not just a response based on feelings. What was your foundation in God that he suddenly became a 'nuisance' rather then God?
This part of me wanted a world of harsh, chaotic realism, not a God that didn't seem to work. "The just shall live by faith - we walk by faith and not by sight". Trusting when we don't want to or can't see our way in our own strength is an unavoidable facet of the christian walk. If you're a christian - faith is just going to have to be a choice we make sometimes."
I tried to fight this part of me, but was no use. Mate, the devil can't over ride your free will. You chose what you've chosen. Regardless of the pressure, it was still a choice. My heart had turned to stone and I couldn't fight it. That's when I learned that you can't control your own heart. That's like saying you can't control who you love. If you fall in love, you can't control who it's with - and when you fall out of love, you can't help it or do anything to change it. So once you fall out of love with your wife - it's all over. And if you fall in love with your secretary - well you can't fight that either. Or the secretary after her, or your best friends wife. Etc. Either you love God or you don't. It's not your choice.
That's saying that love is not a decision outside of feeling and that's a total cop-out.

Last School Year

I started school (a Christian college), feeling terribly insecure and unmotivated because of my lack of peace in life. Without God, I had no drive to do anything because I could only look at the world and see pointless chaos. For a while, I continued to try to come back to God, to sort out my differences with him. But I had been trying for so long and it was becoming clear that it was pointless. No you chose to give him up. Gods calling is irrivocable, like his gifts. Ever read the story of the prodigal son? The guy was visiting prostitutes, living like an animal and totally wasted his inheritance and his father was waiting, looking down the road for him to return. The fathers love never changed. So, a month or so into my freshman year of college, I stopped trying, stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible. I just got rid of all that burdensome stuff. You can't ever really get free of truth, you can only deny it's there. Really, it was nice to be free. However, I figured I didn't want to live so pointlessly for my whole life, so I started going to counseling. At first it was nice to have someone on campus that I could be very open with. But that was when I still had some hope and was fighting to get out of this slump. By second semester, I was ready to give up completely. I decided to live life as best I could without God. But that didn't work out too well. I couldn't fool myself into thinking I had some kind of purpose in life. I was still miserable. By that time I was on a minimal dose of anti-depressants at the recommendation of my counselor. I'm still on them. I don't think they've ever done much.

This Summer

I wasted my summer. I spent most of it with my family doing absolutely nothing. I should've gotten a job or at least done something productive, but I didn't. I had no drive to find a job. Working would mean investing in and putting hope into a world which held no purpose for me. God had been the only thing that ever gave meaning to the world. Without him, I've been forced to adopt a chaotic pointless view of it... which doesn't exactly help with motivation. So I spent my summer frustrated with myself for doing absolutely nothing. Now that the summer is over, I can honestly say that I don't think I've changed or matured these past months. All they've done is let me dread the return to real life.

Now

I returned to school yesterday. Just as I expected, I'm miserable. I don't want to be here. I don't care about the people here because I'm too disconnected from life to invest in people. I've become a bit of a grumpy hermit. I don't care about classes. Why is my major undeclared? Because I don't care about anything in life! I have no ambitions, nothing I want to do in this world or commit my life to. So here I am facing another year, doomed to work every day on things I don't care about. Whenever I have a moment to myself, I will ask myself what the heck I'm doing. I'll remind myself of how miserable, isolated, and pointless my life is.

Conclusion

I was a Christian, but am not even sure what to call myself anymore. Loved and accepted by God but denying it. I no longer have any idea if my death would bring heaven or hell. I just know that I'm not on speaking terms with God and that the mention of him by others in a personal manner results in an angry annoyance inside of me. I continue to become disconnected from life. Questions like what's the point of this? and how can I justify that now rule my life as I hesitate to indulge in anything. Everything is pointless. Friends are just another burden.
God is a vapor of what was once hope but is now bitterness. My relationship with God didn't work, no matter how I tried. You chose to walk rather then face what the real issues in your life with him were. I believed all the biblical things I should have believed, Did you ever prove them for yourself? I trusted him as much as I could, and I gave him every chance I could. The fact that he didn't come through meant you wern't really trusting him as much as you could, or he would have. Define 'as much'. Was it as much as other people told you to, or as much as what he really needed to come to the table for it your own life. Secondhand faith won't carry us in the end. We have to prove God for ourselves.. It just didn't work. Of course, like I said, you can't control your own heart. That is such an excuse. So maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I believed this God crap the whole time. Who knows? And if you don't ever make the effort to find him for yourself - you're never going to know. (Not deep in your heart no matter how many miracles you see or testimonies you hear.) All I know is that if somebody comes to me with another encouraging Jesus died for you and wants to know you personally, or God loves you and there's nothing you can do about it or God can heal any wound or anything like that, I'm going to be sick. I've heard it all. I've tested it out. Oh really. And we haven't - so the rest of us are all just a bunch of deluded idiots? Miracles, divine healings and all? All God ever gave me was confusion, pain, and a strong sense that I was never meant to be a Christian. If God doesn't exist then how could he have? Your own refusal to test him on the hard or important issues to you is the source of your pain and confusion - not his disinterest in your life or lack of existance. If he's there for others, he's there regardless of what you feel or don't feel about him.

Obviously, I'm not happy where I am. But I have given up on changing anything. He won't force you. I don't want to go back to what my relationship with God was, I don't blame you - and I'm not trying to be rude, but it sounded like your foundation was pretty bad for you to just justify everything the way you have in this post and I am skeptical of any solution to make things better. Well we know he exists - we've proven it (and sometimes have to keep proving it by putting him to the test) I've heard much and I've tried much, but I am pretty convinced at this point that God and I don't mix. No, you've just given up when you should have fought. I haven't even thought about the essence of my slump much lately, because I know there's no point. At this point, I am guarded against anybody's help or advice, because I frankly don't believe any good will come of it.

Praying for you :prayer:

GryffinSong · Sep 15, 2008

I don't know if you're even still reading here, but please don't give up hope in life. It sounds to me like you've got several things going on. There's the religious thing, which I won't speak to. I've never believed in a god.

That aside, it sounds to me like you could be suffering from depression. In fact, it sounds pretty serious to me. I suffer from it too, and for me, anti-depressants help. I would suggest continued counseling, and perhaps raising or changing your meds. Just an idea. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a counselor, but some things in your post are a little worrisome. I want to tell you not to give up hope in yourself, and in life. Life can hold great joy, and as someone who's been through a few years more than you, I can tell you that it can get much better with age and experience. It's interesting that you see pointless chaos, because I see a chaotic beauty. And sometimes that means closing my eyes to horrors in the world, because I become paralized with it, or feel dismay, or depression. Sometimes I have to stop watching the news so that I can paint (I'm an artist), or stop going to meetings of a particular group if they're in the middle of political-type troubles.

I hope you find your way through this difficult time, and that you find the peace and happiness that you so deserve.

Carolyn H · Sep 15, 2008

I agree with Gryffin Song above.

Perhaps what you are feeling and going through are because of depression. I also have depression, and it hurts you and those who love you.

Sometimes the doctors have to tweak your meds. What works for one person, does not necessarily work for another. It is fustrating to have to figure out what is the right medicine for you...and it takes time.

Hope this helps!!!!

HumbleServant94 · Sep 27, 2008

Nothing is pointless and everything has a purpose. Now, I know you seek peace. The only way to get lasting peace is through Jesus Christ.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Just keep praying and trusting on God. He will never leave you. Especially in these times of trouble. This might be Satan or it might just be depression. Either way say a prayer to get rid of them both. Start reading more in the Scriptures to find the answer. Prayers be with you. Godspeed.

DragonLancer · Jan 14, 2009

MATTHEW 22:37

Jesus Replied, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind."

MATTHEW 22:38

This is the first and greatest commandment.

In order to have fellowship with the Lord you must love his son he has sent into this world to bring his light, for the world sin is not accepting Jesus Christ as his son.

Of course you will see chaos for that the world darkness, and only through his son that you may find the light to find your path through the world of darkness.

To love his son is to obey his commandments which is doing God's will and that would please him.

For if you love his son as the his Father loves, so shall his Father love you.

For the only work he wants you to do is to

John 6:29

Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent."

By Faith in Jesus Christ that he bore your sins on the cross, so that you may find salvation through him.

So I have shared my love for you and that you may find peace in these words by faith, no matter where you tread, or how lost you are, he will wait for you to return to him for he is all unfailing loving and merciful God.

Ariel · Jan 14, 2009

TheAcherMan said:
After being in spiritual depression for so long, I feel that bringing up issues one at a time isn't going to cut it. I've decided to lay everything out on the table (though even this isn't everything), from beginning to end. This will be long and only as organized as the thoughts of a man who's lost all direction in life can be. Feel no pressure to read or respond because, as I will expound upon later, I believe you would be wasting your time. I'll start with the beginning of my slump, as I call it.

Last Summer

In June, 2007, I had just finished my senior year of high school in Europe (I'm a missionary kid), and things were going well. I felt that my up-and-down spiritual life had finally leveled out and I actually looked toward college with some confidence. However, the peace I had disappeared. I found myself not caring about God, not wanting to serve him, and not caring about what he had done for me. A guilt rose inside of me because I loved God less than I knew I should. I was terrified of the indifference I felt toward him. I had always been logical enough to never find purpose in anything carnal. So if I lost my connection with God, I would be completely lost and purposeless. That was my fear and it happened. As much as I prayed, read the Bible, and strained to hold onto a love for God, my connection with him weakened. There was a part of me rising, a part that was deeper than I could control. As it rose in me, I began to think anti-God thoughts, thoughts of how I didn't need God and how God was just a nuisance to put up with. This part of me wanted a world of harsh, chaotic realism, not a God that didn't seem to work. I tried to fight this part of me, but was no use. My heart had turned to stone and I couldn't fight it. That's when I learned that you can't control your own heart. Either you love God or you don't. It's not your choice.

Last School Year

I started school (a Christian college), feeling terribly insecure and unmotivated because of my lack of peace in life. Without God, I had no drive to do anything because I could only look at the world and see pointless chaos. For a while, I continued to try to come back to God, to sort out my differences with him. But I had been trying for so long and it was becoming clear that it was pointless. So, a month or so into my freshman year of college, I stopped trying, stopped praying, stopped reading my Bible. I just got rid of all that burdensome stuff. Really, it was nice to be free. However, I figured I didn't want to live so pointlessly for my whole life, so I started going to counseling. At first it was nice to have someone on campus that I could be very open with. But that was when I still had some hope and was fighting to get out of this slump. By second semester, I was ready to give up completely. I decided to live life as best I could without God. But that didn't work out too well. I couldn't fool myself into thinking I had some kind of purpose in life. I was still miserable. By that time I was on a minimal dose of anti-depressants at the recommendation of my counselor. I'm still on them. I don't think they've ever done much.

This Summer

I wasted my summer. I spent most of it with my family doing absolutely nothing. I should've gotten a job or at least done something productive, but I didn't. I had no drive to find a job. Working would mean investing in and putting hope into a world which held no purpose for me. God had been the only thing that ever gave meaning to the world. Without him, I've been forced to adopt a chaotic pointless view of it... which doesn't exactly help with motivation. So I spent my summer frustrated with myself for doing absolutely nothing. Now that the summer is over, I can honestly say that I don't think I've changed or matured these past months. All they've done is let me dread the return to real life.

Now

I returned to school yesterday. Just as I expected, I'm miserable. I don't want to be here. I don't care about the people here because I'm too disconnected from life to invest in people. I've become a bit of a grumpy hermit. I don't care about classes. Why is my major undeclared? Because I don't care about anything in life! I have no ambitions, nothing I want to do in this world or commit my life to. So here I am facing another year, doomed to work every day on things I don't care about. Whenever I have a moment to myself, I will ask myself what the heck I'm doing. I'll remind myself of how miserable, isolated, and pointless my life is.

Conclusion

I was a Christian, but am not even sure what to call myself anymore. I no longer have any idea if my death would bring heaven or hell. I just know that I'm not on speaking terms with God and that the mention of him by others in a personal manner results in an angry annoyance inside of me. I continue to become disconnected from life. Questions like what's the point of this? and how can I justify that now rule my life as I hesitate to indulge in anything. Everything is pointless. Friends are just another burden. God is a vapor of what was once hope but is now bitterness. My relationship with God didn't work, no matter how I tried. I believed all the biblical things I should have believed, I trusted him as much as I could, and I gave him every chance I could. It just didn't work. Of course, like I said, you can't control your own heart. So maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I believed this God crap the whole time. Who knows? All I know is that if somebody comes to me with another encouraging Jesus died for you and wants to know you personally, or God loves you and there's nothing you can do about it or God can heal any wound or anything like that, I'm going to be sick. I've heard it all. I've tested it out. All God ever gave me was confusion, pain, and a strong sense that I was never meant to be a Christian.

Obviously, I'm not happy where I am. But I have given up on changing anything. I don't want to go back to what my relationship with God was, and I am skeptical of any solution to make things better. I've heard much and I've tried much, but I am pretty convinced at this point that God and I don't mix. I haven't even thought about the essence of my slump much lately, because I know there's no point. At this point, I am guarded against anybody's help or advice, because I frankly don't believe any good will come of it.

TheArcherMan, I am not a clinician, but I believe that you may be clinically depressed. This is a chemical imbalance in your brain.

You said that the meds you are on are not working for you. May I suggest? Go back to your doctor, tell him or her they are not working. Many of us who have experienced depression have also had to have meds changed or adjusted.

I don't believe for a moment that you are cut off from God or that God doesn't care about you, or that you weren't meant to be a Christian. Those thoughts are all lies, probably brought on by the depression.

God does care about you, God loves you, and He has never left you. He's still there, still loving you and wanting you to know that He has not forgotten you.

I am praying for you. Be blessed.

TheAcherMan · Jan 26, 2009

Wow. I have not checked this in a long time. Thanks everyone for your responses. I'll just respond to a few things.

First, I've tried taking a break from it all. I've tried leaving the ball in God's court and finding my own way. I've tried finding my passions and waiting for God to call me back. But I didn't find any passions. All I found is that I don't care for much, that I am apathetic about most of life, and that I generally feel disconnected. I don't see that "soul-searching" will ever do me any good. I seem extremely skeptical and my heart seems like stone.

I'm not sure what my foundation ever was in God. I know I used to believe it was in salvation and in him being a friend, but since then I have unearthed a part of me that never cared about sin or salvation, that never felt a real desire for God. So who knows what, if any, foundation I had?

I'll admit that many of the things I blame God for may be my fault. But if they are, I don't know what to do about them.

As for whether or not I'm depressed, I feel like I've gone down that road. I went off of meds and noticed no difference. I don't exhibit many of the signs of depression (trouble sleeping, appetite changes) and much of the time I am fully functional. It's mostly when I get to thinking of life that I feel this way. I do have a problem that saturates my life, but I don't think depression explains it all and I don't want to go through counseling again.

Since it's been so long, I'd like to affirm that not much has changed. I'm still mostly miserable and I haven't spoken with God in earnest for practically a year now. I've been called on to pray in class a couple of times this past week (Christian college) and I've been amazed at how easy it's been for the words to just flow out. It felt like when I used to pray, except more obviously void of meaning. I'm having trouble making good friends. I just feel too disconnected to care. I have a couple good friends, but they're far away and can only help so much. But that's okay, because I think I need more than a friend to pull out of this anyways. I need a complete reboot.

xXSinnerXx · Jan 30, 2009

You have already decided you won't take any advice so I won't give you any.

annrobert · Feb 1, 2009

Jesus Bless you,
You are obviously posting here because you are looking for some thread of hope.Do not let go of that hope,hold onto it for dear life.Begin to pray .Make a decision to pray no matter what.No matter if feeling or not.No matter what cry out to Jesus.Ask Him to deliver you,to show you truth ,to reveal himself and His love for you.Ask the Holy Spirit to help you pray,to help you understand.Ask Jesus to take the blinders of your eyes to show you what He wants you to know,to help you to stand on Truth ,the foundation of His Word.He died for you and rose again ,this is truth,regardless of any thoughts you have ,regardless how apathetic you feel,not matter is He feels like a Saviour or not He is.He is Lord and Creator and merciful no matter what goes through your mind or how hopeless it all seems ,no matter if you think you and Him do not mix.Hold onto these truths.Jesus said whoever comes to Him He will not cast out,period,even if you feel cast out,even if you think you deserve to be cast out.Hold onto the truth.Make a decision to pray ,read the bible , and obey Jesus all your life no matter how miserable life seems.You said life seems hopeless without God in it,and beleive me it is.So decide to love Jesus with all your heart soul and mind and obey Him,love your neibour as yourself,and hold onto the fact that Jesus died on the cross for you and rose again on the third day,and that He created all things and He sais He would never cast out any who come to Him.Do this all your life no matter what doubts or thoughts or feelings the enemy puts in your mind,regardless what thoughts you dream up.Because we are to cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God.Our lives do ddepend on this as well as our eternity.
Dear Jesus I ask that you heal TheAcher Mann, in his spirit ,soul and mind and teach and lead him into all truth ,and that you strengthen him in the inner mind and reveal yourself to him.In your Name Jesus I pray,and also fill him with hope ,faith and love ,give him true repentance and a desire to serve you no matter that he feels like his heart and stone and even though his flesh and mind do not want ,yet still place a desire deep inside him to serve you and make you his Lord master and Saviour,help him trust you.Dear Jesus calm the storm and give Him peace.Jesus you said a smoking flax you will not snuff out and a bruised reed you will not crush.Jesus you said come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.Jesus You said if we come to you You will not cast us out.Thankyou Jesus that you are the Way the Truth and the Life.in Jesus Name amen.
annrobert
ps I have been suffering also for a very long time thinking Jesus has cast me out and rejected me for backsliding so I understand the pain.We can only hold on

tansy · Feb 1, 2009

Hi again....I really hope things will somehow turn around for you. Afraid i don't know what else I can say, but keep us posted...tell us how you're doing.

annrobert · Feb 7, 2009

I am thinking about you,
Keep holding on
somewhere buried deep inside you there is hope.hold on to it.
Remember Jesus said all who come to Me I will in no wise cast out.
Also Jesus said come to me ALL you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.
Jesus also said He came to set the captive free and heal the broken hearted.
A smoking flax He will not snuff out and a bruised reed He will not crush.
Come to Jesus He softens hard hearts,
He forgives sin,
He cleanses people,
He makes all things new ,
He delivers,
All who call on Him shall be saved,
He makes whole,
nothing is impossible for Him.
His blood washes away our sin,
The Holy Spirit comforts us.
Cry out to Him daily.
Never give up.
annrobert

Godless and Pointless--this is LONG

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