- Apr 20, 2006
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Man, if i dont feel like a bad person and friend.
First, let me state my position:
My childhood issue is as follows: When I was 3 years old my mother and father divorced. From that time forward I always slept in the same bed as my mother. This provided me with an instilled level of comfort, security and protection. When I turned 6 or 7 my mother started dating this guy named Cleveland. After a short period of time he started spending the night...on the couch at first and then one night I was told I was not allowed to sleep in the same bed as my mother. Without explanation, I was made to sleep in my own bed. I was scared and confused and began to cry. I cried for nearly an hour and no one would come to check on me. This was not like my mother so I concluded that it had to be Cleveland's influence.
On evenings that he did not spend the night I was allowed to sleep with my mother. She tried to condition me out of it, but when I opposed her conditioning in opposition she gave in.
I began to build resentment toward my situation. Every night that I had to sleep by myself I felt alone, scared, abandoned, betrayed, jealousy, and envy. My mother was not a Christian and never taught me that our Lord was always there with me, so at seven years old I was left by myself. Can you imagine?
There was also I major lack of communication about it. I never brought it up and the only time my mother did was when she told me that he would be permanently moving in, and that I would no longer be able to sleep with her again. You can imagine, me feeling the way I did, did not help my situation nor stability. I then tossed the resentment and pain into the back of my mind and subconscious; feeling this was the only way that I could accept the situation that I would soon be facing.
Now we come to present day. I have a good friend of mine who has just started dating "the man of her dreams." A handsome man, with confidence and a kind of heart that I could only wish to possess. Do to my vanity we never got really serious because she was a bit overweight, but she was a genuine person who sincerely cares and loves me. We had become physically and emotionally intimate at times though, but I tried to quickly squash those feelings multiple times. When this guy came along, I knew what I was supposed to do: Take a backseat, still be her friend, and ultimately be happy for her. But I couldnt do that. I started feeling like I was losing a friend. The same feelings of emptiness, loathing, coveting, loneliness, and jealousy began to take hold. Now I am realizing that because of my "intimacy issues (as I like to call them)" with my mother from so many years ago are raising their ugly heads. Even after realizing this last week, drawing the conclusion, realizing how stupid it is of me to being completely overrun with jealousy and envy and wholly COMPLETELY SCREWING UP A VERY MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP due to some traumatic experience as a child, I cannot let go. This is beginning to affect every aspect of my life and the way I treat my other friends as well. I walking in a sea of misery over something realistically mundane. All I want to do is be happy for her, and every time I talk to her my heart feels like it's breaking.
My solutions so far is turning to God for advice, praying every night for some sort of comfort and resolve to my problems. I prayed about it before and God answered my prayer by uprooting this deep-seeded resentment toward my mother's relationship with Cleveland from my subconscious and bringing it to light. I am having such a hard time dealing with it and changing. I realize I am being selfish and coveting a relationship that is not mine. I miss the attention I received and I miss being the center of her life. May my Lord forgive me for the feelings, because these are what is really in my heart and I realize they are the wrong way to live.
I have said all of this to her and she says that she still loves me and I am still the most important person in her life. I dont even know how to be her friend anymore it seems. I resent her...I resent him...but most of all...I resent myself.
I have not even seem them together yet. All I hear about is how great he is and even after talking to him on the phone, her seems like a really great guy! He's very nice, warm, honest, and full of confidence. But all I can think is: "He's a better person than me." And what little self-esteem I had build on top of this relationship between me and her has now crumbled.
I think the reason I am posting this is to get some feedback. Constructive criticism if you will or some personal experiences similar to mine. Sorry for such a long post, I just wanted to get that out to a good Christian group that can give me some Christian advice.
First, let me state my position:
My childhood issue is as follows: When I was 3 years old my mother and father divorced. From that time forward I always slept in the same bed as my mother. This provided me with an instilled level of comfort, security and protection. When I turned 6 or 7 my mother started dating this guy named Cleveland. After a short period of time he started spending the night...on the couch at first and then one night I was told I was not allowed to sleep in the same bed as my mother. Without explanation, I was made to sleep in my own bed. I was scared and confused and began to cry. I cried for nearly an hour and no one would come to check on me. This was not like my mother so I concluded that it had to be Cleveland's influence.
On evenings that he did not spend the night I was allowed to sleep with my mother. She tried to condition me out of it, but when I opposed her conditioning in opposition she gave in.
I began to build resentment toward my situation. Every night that I had to sleep by myself I felt alone, scared, abandoned, betrayed, jealousy, and envy. My mother was not a Christian and never taught me that our Lord was always there with me, so at seven years old I was left by myself. Can you imagine?
There was also I major lack of communication about it. I never brought it up and the only time my mother did was when she told me that he would be permanently moving in, and that I would no longer be able to sleep with her again. You can imagine, me feeling the way I did, did not help my situation nor stability. I then tossed the resentment and pain into the back of my mind and subconscious; feeling this was the only way that I could accept the situation that I would soon be facing.
Now we come to present day. I have a good friend of mine who has just started dating "the man of her dreams." A handsome man, with confidence and a kind of heart that I could only wish to possess. Do to my vanity we never got really serious because she was a bit overweight, but she was a genuine person who sincerely cares and loves me. We had become physically and emotionally intimate at times though, but I tried to quickly squash those feelings multiple times. When this guy came along, I knew what I was supposed to do: Take a backseat, still be her friend, and ultimately be happy for her. But I couldnt do that. I started feeling like I was losing a friend. The same feelings of emptiness, loathing, coveting, loneliness, and jealousy began to take hold. Now I am realizing that because of my "intimacy issues (as I like to call them)" with my mother from so many years ago are raising their ugly heads. Even after realizing this last week, drawing the conclusion, realizing how stupid it is of me to being completely overrun with jealousy and envy and wholly COMPLETELY SCREWING UP A VERY MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP due to some traumatic experience as a child, I cannot let go. This is beginning to affect every aspect of my life and the way I treat my other friends as well. I walking in a sea of misery over something realistically mundane. All I want to do is be happy for her, and every time I talk to her my heart feels like it's breaking.
My solutions so far is turning to God for advice, praying every night for some sort of comfort and resolve to my problems. I prayed about it before and God answered my prayer by uprooting this deep-seeded resentment toward my mother's relationship with Cleveland from my subconscious and bringing it to light. I am having such a hard time dealing with it and changing. I realize I am being selfish and coveting a relationship that is not mine. I miss the attention I received and I miss being the center of her life. May my Lord forgive me for the feelings, because these are what is really in my heart and I realize they are the wrong way to live.
I have said all of this to her and she says that she still loves me and I am still the most important person in her life. I dont even know how to be her friend anymore it seems. I resent her...I resent him...but most of all...I resent myself.
I have not even seem them together yet. All I hear about is how great he is and even after talking to him on the phone, her seems like a really great guy! He's very nice, warm, honest, and full of confidence. But all I can think is: "He's a better person than me." And what little self-esteem I had build on top of this relationship between me and her has now crumbled.
I think the reason I am posting this is to get some feedback. Constructive criticism if you will or some personal experiences similar to mine. Sorry for such a long post, I just wanted to get that out to a good Christian group that can give me some Christian advice.
