I Realize My Problem, What Now?

[ChristianSonic]

Hey y’all, it’s been a while. I’ve come across some new answers to my predicament since I last posted. Here are things I can say with certainty:
1. I truly do desire marriage. I truly feel God put it on my heart.
2. Despite that, a lot of my depression comes from a deeper desire. I want to feel wanted.

The two don’t contradict or cancel. I want to get married AND I want to feel wanted. I always feel like the burden of whatever group of people I’m in.

The reason family love or even God’s love doesn’t feel like enough is because there’s usually expectations on those loves:
1. Families are expected to love me socially.
2. God’s love for everyone is the foundation of the faith.

But neither of those feel special. Why would I feel special with God’s love when He loves everyone equally? Why would I feel wanted in my family when they’re socially expected to love me.

That’s why I want real friends and marriage, I want to be wanted because, despite all the love from God and family, never once in my life have I felt wanted.

So… what now? What do I do to find friends. My small town hardly has meetups of interests, and I don’t have much money to travel.

Still, it’s a great first step that I nailed the source of my problem. Please help.

Also, since some people misunderstand what I'm saying:
When I say God loves us all equally, that means He loved us all enough to send Jesus to die for us, even the Pharisees. So yes, God DOES love everyone equally.

Also, I'm not saying marriage would make me complete! I'm not idolizing it, I'm just saying that marriage is a more exclusive love than God's love or family love, not that it's stronger, it's just more exclusive.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Hey y’all, it’s been a while. I’ve come across some new answers to my predicament since I last posted. Here are things I can say with certainty:
1. I truly do desire marriage. I truly feel God put it on my heart.
2. Despite that, a lot of my depression comes from a deeper desire. I want to feel wanted.

The two don’t contradict or cancel. I want to get married AND I want to feel wanted. I always feel like the burden of whatever group of people I’m in.

The reason family love or even God’s love doesn’t feel like enough is because there’s usually expectations on those loves:
1. Families are expected to love me socially.
2. God’s love for everyone is the foundation of the faith.

But neither of those feel special. Why would I feel special with God’s love when He loves everyone equally? Why would I feel wanted in my family when they’re socially expected to love me.

That’s why I want real friends and marriage, I want to be wanted because, despite all the love from God and family, never once in my life have I felt wanted.

So… what now? What do I do to find friends. My small town hardly has meetups of interests, and I don’t have much money to travel.

Still, it’s a great first step that I nailed the source of my problem. Please help.

I think you and I have the same problem. I find that God's love and the love of family don't do anything for me because they're automatic. We have them guanteed just by showing up in life, and not something we have merited or earned. There's definitely a place in life for having earned someone's interest in our companionship. Do you have a faith community where you might be able to make meaningful connections?

 

[ChristianSonic]

I think you and I have the same problem. I find that God's love and the love of family don't do anything for me because they're automatic. We have them guanteed just by showing up in life, and not something we have merited or earned. There's definitely a place in life for having earned someone's interest in our companionship. Do you have a faith community where you might be able to make meaningful connections?

Not really. Also, I’m not saying God’s love isn’t the strongest, it is. It just doesn’t feel as special because EVERYONE gets it.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Not really. Also, I’m not saying God’s love isn’t the strongest, it is. It just doesn’t feel as special because EVERYONE gets it.

I've come to that realization too. It's universal, completely undermining that feeling of specialness that you're longing for,

 

[High Fidelity]

Hey y’all, it’s been a while. I’ve come across some new answers to my predicament since I last posted. Here are things I can say with certainty:
1. I truly do desire marriage. I truly feel God put it on my heart.
2. Despite that, a lot of my depression comes from a deeper desire. I want to feel wanted.

The two don’t contradict or cancel. I want to get married AND I want to feel wanted. I always feel like the burden of whatever group of people I’m in.

The reason family love or even God’s love doesn’t feel like enough is because there’s usually expectations on those loves:
1. Families are expected to love me socially.
2. God’s love for everyone is the foundation of the faith.

But neither of those feel special. Why would I feel special with God’s love when He loves everyone equally? Why would I feel wanted in my family when they’re socially expected to love me.

That’s why I want real friends and marriage, I want to be wanted because, despite all the love from God and family, never once in my life have I felt wanted.

So… what now? What do I do to find friends. My small town hardly has meetups of interests, and I don’t have much money to travel.

Still, it’s a great first step that I nailed the source of my problem. Please help.

Honestly I don't know if you have the wrong view of God, of marriage, or both.

Marriage is not going to complete you, and the love of a person will never compare to God's love.

Marriage is nice if it happens, but to hold in higher regard than God's love is basically idolatry.

I think you need to speak with your Pastor/Priest pretty urgently because this view of marriage is symptomatic of something far worse going on.

 

[ChristianSonic]

Honestly I don't know if you have the wrong view of God, of marriage, or both.

Marriage is not going to complete you, and the love of a person will never compare to God's love.

Marriage is nice if it happens, but to hold in higher regard than God's love is basically idolatry.

I think you need to speak with your Pastor/Priest pretty urgently because this view of marriage is symptomatic of something far worse going on.

Dude, it’s not about the magnitude of the love, it’s about the exclusiveness of it. God loves everyone equally. Also, marriage won’t complete me. It’s simply a love I want because it’s one that’s exclusive. Also, I will not tolerate your accusations of idolatry, leave that at the door. God is the one true God, there is no other. I am complete in Christ, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t want marriage.

 

[timewerx]

Dude, it’s not about the magnitude of the love, it’s about the exclusiveness of it. God loves everyone equally. Also, marriage won’t complete me. It’s simply a love I want because it’s one that’s exclusive. Also, I will not tolerate your accusations of idolatry, leave that at the door. God is the one true God, there is no other. I am complete in Christ, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t want marriage.

Get married if that's what you desire.

But God does not love everyone equally. You should read the Book of John over and over. It said Jesus loved His disciples. But no mention that He loved the Pharisees. Not one of those He loves will be lost. But if the Pharisees are lost many of them will remain in that state, what then?

Jesus also regarded His closest disciples as friends and no longer servants.

Yes, the Bible told us to love our enemies. Jesus do love the Pharisees, otherwise he never would have preached the Gospel to them but not in the same degree that He loved His disciples.

The gift of eternal life is granted only to those believes and *lives* in Him. And Jesus regards them as friends, not servants. To the rest, they only have uncertainty.

 

[High Fidelity]

Dude, it’s not about the magnitude of the love, it’s about the exclusiveness of it. God loves everyone equally. Also, marriage won’t complete me. It’s simply a love I want because it’s one that’s exclusive. Also, I will not tolerate your accusations of idolatry, leave that at the door. God is the one true God, there is no other. I am complete in Christ, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t want marriage.

It's still the wrong view, in my opinion.

I don't want to be uncharitable, but the love of a person is orders of magnitude lower than the love of God, regardless of how many others He has, does and will love.

There's nothing wrong with desiring marriage, but to elevate any element of marriage above God is wrong. Calling it different does not change the perceived insufficiency of God's love.

 

[Richard T]

I would concentrate on building your faith for marriage. Increase your expectations from God not just for a wife but for greater income as well. Age 26 was the worst year for me on marriage. I would suggest also to be practical and network as much as possible and enlarge your borders. Keep putting God first too. I believe God wants you married according to scripture. Paul's notion is good on singleness but in today's age, marriage is not always the detriment to ministry. It still is good for man not to be alone.

 

[JAM2b]

I'm not knocking marriage. I would like to be married again myself, but I don't believe it is what you think it is.

As a parent I can tell you that my love for my children far outweighs the love of any other human on the planet. They are relationships like no other, even unlike each other. Both of them has a different and unique relationship with me because they are not the same. I never treated my kids the same, and I don't interact with them in identical ways. They are two very different people, and our relationships are very different.

If you have ever been close to a dysfunctional family that includes abuse and neglect, you can see that not every child gets loved by default. There is often a favorite. There is often one that gets abused and neglected more or in different ways than the others. There is often one kid that one or both parents doesn't like or want. Everyone isn't automatically loved simply for existing within a family or because they are one of the kids.

Ryan Reynolds said something like when he got married he would be willing to die for his wife, but when his first child was born he realized he would be willing to throw his wife in front his child to shield his child.

This idea you seem to have in your head about what it's like to be someone's "one and only" is a fantasy. It can be a short-lived thing... But there's other family members, especially children or aged parents, that might come before you. The romantic and passionate love that draws people together in a unique relationship that they don't share with anyone else is temporary, and I think a tool to get people to commit to each other and procreate. Once that goal (the lifelong commitment) has been reach, it fizzles out. It can come and go, but it's never the same again. Sometimes it doesn't come and go. It's just gone.

When you're years and decades deep into paying a whole household worth of bills, gaining children and grandchildren, doting on nieces and nephews and your kids' friends, school meetings and events, your parents becoming elderly, medical needs, jobs, neighbors, and lawn mowing and washing dishes for 10,000th time, that specialness of a "one and only" relationship just feels like an item on a list of chores and responsibilities on a random Tuesday.

Being someone's "one and only" doesn't feel special when their attention is drawn to many other things and people that are also important and needed. You're relationship is just one of many needs and responsibilities in each other's lives. It shifts from being romantic and passionate, to a companionship with someone you get to be intimate with if you both have time and energy, and having a close friend to grow old with, until one of you dies and the other is left to die alone, unless you're still young and healthy enough to remarry and find the next "one and only."