I'm getting fed up with my friend.

[Fyrewulf]

My wife and I let my childhood friend of several decades move in with us. I'm disabled, and he was in a tough living situation. He could help me and keep me company at home, and he would be in a much better situation with his own space.

He's been here for a couple of months, and the problems are piling up. He threw up a huge red flag in his first few days here when he mentioned that his source of income could be as my caretaker. SSA would pay him. The problem with that is, if I needed such a thing, that would go to my wife. But most of all, I don't need a caretaker. We shut that down. He has to get a real job. And we thought he would. He talked about it a lot before coming.

Upon arriving he spent $7,000+ on toys and electronics. My wife and I looked at each other bug eyed. He wasn't working, and where he worked before, he didn't make all that much. It turns out this is all the money he had, and 2 months later he's still not working to pay his share. I've had to hold his hand every step of the way. I've led him to 11 job applications, none of which he would have gotten on his own. Not one time has he sought employment on his own. If I'm not finding jobs and staying on him to apply, he won't.

When we found out that he had blown all the money he had, we asked him why he would do that before making sure his bills were paid and he was working. He blamed me and said because I said there are a lot of jobs here. There are a lot of jobs here, but you actually have to go get one. The job fairy doesn't drop them off to you. Yesterday he argued with me that he's not going to call and ask the businesses about his applications because that won't change anything. I've been out of the workforce for 3 years and that's not a long time. I know full well that this does matter, and I've probably called for updates about every job I've ever applied to.

Next we get to his selfishness in the home. He stays in his room most of the day, usually only coming out to eat. In his room he has 4 screens going. One he's playing online games on, one he has a game playing in the background, and on the other 2 he's streaming content. I'm a huge gamer. It's all I have to do while my wife isn't home. When he got here, everything fell apart with the internet. He maxed us out of data after a week and we had to switch over to the more expensive unlimited internet for the first time.

My internet speeds are half of what they used to be before he got here, and my games lag and I get kicked out of them a lot. We can't hardly watch TV. My wife's shows lag the whole time, and maintain the pixelated look rather than smoothing out and being clear. We couldn't figure it out. I was trying everything. We even paid the $100 to have a service technician come out and check on everything. Everything was good. Today my wife mentioned how maybe it's because he's running multiple PCs that are gaming and streaming all at once. 4 screens! So I did a speed test on my system. 300 down and 80 ping. I should be at 1,000 down and 20-30 ping. I went into his room and said I wanted to him to shut it all down so I could conduct the test 3 times, spaced several minutes apart. 900-1100 down and 21-38 ping every single time. I told him that he's the problem. I said you can't even watch or play 4 screens at once. Choose one thing at a time to do. My wife only watches one TV and show at a time, and I'm only playing one game at a time on my system. There's no reason to be sucking up all that bandwidth and slowing down the house. He hasn't even paid for anything yet, and we had to go out of our way to change the internet to accommodate him being here, which wasn't a problem at the time considering we thought he would be contributing sooner rather than later. Not to mention how rude it is to move into someone's home and take ownership of the resource. I also noticed that my ethernet cable was unplugged and plugged into a different port, and he had taken the best one for himself (the only max speed port on the router). I switched them and said this one is mine.

He argued with me for a couple hours about how it's got to be something else and it can't just be his heavy bandwidth use. I calmly kept saying the test doesn't lie. We even had him go back to having the 4 screens going at once and my down went back to 300 and the ping went back up to 80. Every test coincided with his heavy usage. He went back to streaming content while he plays games anyways. He cut 2 screens off, but is still not just sticking to one thing at a time like we always have.

I'm starting to regret this. The internet isn't the only thing that is an argument. He makes everything an argument or debate. He has zero motivation to get out and find work. Zero motivation to lessen his footprint around the home to share equally with everyone.

 

[Josheb]

What is the specific question(s) you want answered?

 

[seeking.IAM]

Good relationships are reciprocal, and I don't read how this one is benefiting you in any way while he is deriving a lot of benefit at your expense. He is not doing anything to help himself. And, It doesn't sound like he is being much of friend to you. It sounds like he is bringing you more frustration than joy. Life is too short. I would tell him he needs to leave. If he doesn't, I would file eviction action with the Court. After having been in your house for a few months and establishing that as his residence, you probably will not be able to force action legal eviction action. Leastwise, not in my state.

 

[Josheb]

I've been a tenant, both a good one and a bad one. I've also gifted and rented rooms to individuals in need. I've mentored and discipled individuals in lay capacity for nearly 35 years and most of the last 40 years working in the mental health field focusing on recovery and rehabilitation (developmental disabilities, trauma, and marriage were my primary areas of focus). This is the advice board and I can certainly offer some but..... I do not read a specific question being asked.


My first bit of advice is, therefore, to figure out what it is, specifically, you'd like to ask..... based upon an identified need and an identified goal.


But, if the op is a stress-relieving, frustration-venting, system purging rant not looking for advice, that's okay. No advice required for that .

 

[Michie]

My wife and I let my childhood friend of several decades move in with us. I'm disabled, and he was in a tough living situation. He could help me and keep me company at home, and he would be in a much better situation with his own space.

He's been here for a couple of months, and the problems are piling up. He threw up a huge red flag in his first few days here when he mentioned that his source of income could be as my caretaker. SSA would pay him. The problem with that is, if I needed such a thing, that would go to my wife. But most of all, I don't need a caretaker. We shut that down. He has to get a real job. And we thought he would. He talked about it a lot before coming.

Upon arriving he spent $7,000+ on toys and electronics. My wife and I looked at each other bug eyed. He wasn't working, and where he worked before, he didn't make all that much. It turns out this is all the money he had, and 2 months later he's still not working to pay his share. I've had to hold his hand every step of the way. I've led him to 11 job applications, none of which he would have gotten on his own. Not one time has he sought employment on his own. If I'm not finding jobs and staying on him to apply, he won't.

When we found out that he had blown all the money he had, we asked him why he would do that before making sure his bills were paid and he was working. He blamed me and said because I said there are a lot of jobs here. There are a lot of jobs here, but you actually have to go get one. The job fairy doesn't drop them off to you. Yesterday he argued with me that he's not going to call and ask the businesses about his applications because that won't change anything. I've been out of the workforce for 3 years and that's not a long time. I know full well that this does matter, and I've probably called for updates about every job I've ever applied to.

Next we get to his selfishness in the home. He stays in his room most of the day, usually only coming out to eat. In his room he has 4 screens going. One he's playing online games on, one he has a game playing in the background, and on the other 2 he's streaming content. I'm a huge gamer. It's all I have to do while my wife isn't home. When he got here, everything fell apart with the internet. He maxed us out of data after a week and we had to switch over to the more expensive unlimited internet for the first time.

My internet speeds are half of what they used to be before he got here, and my games lag and I get kicked out of them a lot. We can't hardly watch TV. My wife's shows lag the whole time, and maintain the pixelated look rather than smoothing out and being clear. We couldn't figure it out. I was trying everything. We even paid the $100 to have a service technician come out and check on everything. Everything was good. Today my wife mentioned how maybe it's because he's running multiple PCs that are gaming and streaming all at once. 4 screens! So I did a speed test on my system. 300 down and 80 ping. I should be at 1,000 down and 20-30 ping. I went into his room and said I wanted to him to shut it all down so I could conduct the test 3 times, spaced several minutes apart. 900-1100 down and 21-38 ping every single time. I told him that he's the problem. I said you can't even watch or play 4 screens at once. Choose one thing at a time to do. My wife only watches one TV and show at a time, and I'm only playing one game at a time on my system. There's no reason to be sucking up all that bandwidth and slowing down the house. He hasn't even paid for anything yet, and we had to go out of our way to change the internet to accommodate him being here, which wasn't a problem at the time considering we thought he would be contributing sooner rather than later. Not to mention how rude it is to move into someone's home and take ownership of the resource. I also noticed that my ethernet cable was unplugged and plugged into a different port, and he had taken the best one for himself (the only max speed port on the router). I switched them and said this one is mine.

He argued with me for a couple hours about how it's got to be something else and it can't just be his heavy bandwidth use. I calmly kept saying the test doesn't lie. We even had him go back to having the 4 screens going at once and my down went back to 300 and the ping went back up to 80. Every test coincided with his heavy usage. He went back to streaming content while he plays games anyways. He cut 2 screens off, but is still not just sticking to one thing at a time like we always have.

I'm starting to regret this. The internet isn't the only thing that is an argument. He makes everything an argument or debate. He has zero motivation to get out and find work. Zero motivation to lessen his footprint around the home to share equally with everyone.

How are you going to get him out? Because that is what needs to happen.

 

[Fyrewulf]

I've been a tenant, both a good one and a bad one. I've also gifted and rented rooms to individuals in need. I've mentored and discipled individuals in lay capacity for nearly 35 years and most of the last 40 years working in the mental health field focusing on recovery and rehabilitation (developmental disabilities, trauma, and marriage were my primary areas of focus). This is the advice board and I can certainly offer some but..... I do not read a specific question being asked.


My first bit of advice is, therefore, to figure out what it is, specifically, you'd like to ask..... based upon an identified need and an identified goal.


But, if the op is a stress-relieving, frustration-venting, system purging rant not looking for advice, that's okay. No advice required for that .

I didn't have a specific question because I'm confused by my friend's behavior. I've known him for so long that I never expected this. I know this situation isn't quite right, but I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm lost. Basically I'm seeking the input and advice of others based on how they read it.

 

[Michie]

I didn't have a specific question because I'm confused by my friend's behavior. I've known him for so long that I never expected this. I know this situation isn't quite right, but I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm lost. Basically I'm seeking the input and advice of others based on how they read it.

Knowing someone and living with someone are two very different things.

 

[Fyrewulf]

Knowing someone and living with someone are two very different things.

Yeah, I'm discovering that. My wife was talking to me today about how she's hurt by the situation. She's known him for a long time because of me, and she didn't expect this either. Neither of us understand the total lack of motivation, disrespectfulness, and change in character. The only explanation I could give her is that I guess it's a very different situation to hang out with someone than it is to live with them. She messaged me today while she was at work that she doesn't think this will work out with him living here, and that prompted my post more than anything. I am now in the very terrible position of having to destroy a friendship I've had since preschool to restore the happiness and cohesiveness of my home. I don't know why he can't just do the right things. It's so simple to be respectful of the home and the resources and to get a job. He's always worked. Why now of all times to be this way?

 

[Petros2015]

I am now in the very terrible position of having to destroy a friendship I've had since preschool to restore the happiness and cohesiveness of my home.

Your wife is 100% right given what you've described; this character should go. If he had behaved differently or reasonably it wouldn't be a conversation you needed to have with him, but, you do. Good luck, God Bless and Good Riddance.

 

[Josheb]

I didn't have a specific question because I'm confused by my friend's behavior. I've known him for so long that I never expected this. I know this situation isn't quite right, but I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm lost. Basically I'm seeking the input and advice of others based on how they read it.

Well, then some of my advice is offered as preventive, preemptive content you probably already know most of and may well have already tried, and some of it is what might be done next.

Always start with your goals, and then those of the boarder (if someone who pays no rent can correctly be called a "boarder").

What is the purpose of offering a room to Person X? What is the hoped-for, or expected outcome? has this been clearly stated to the prospective boarder and is there explicit agreement to that end? For example, "I'd like to offer you a room until you get back on your feet again," is kind, but it is also vague. What, specifically and exactly, constitutes "back on your feet"? "I'd like to offer you a room rent-free until you get a job and have saved enough for a security deposit and first month's rent," is a much better qualifier.

Simply put: If you do not know where you are going you certainly will not get there.

The correlate is: If the boarder does not know where s/he is going then they will not get there and you will be burdened with an aimless boarder and all the effects that boarder brings into your home (btw, a house is not a home - a boarder affects the home).

And you should, of course, consult your wife (and possibly your daughter) before making any offer and discussing the stipulations with the prospective boarder . Happy wife; happy life .

Fundamentally three categories have to be covered: 1) Goals, 2) Boundaries, and 3) Expectations. the goals thing was just covered. The boundaries concern is a little more detailed and therefore complex, but it doesn't have to be difficult. Boundaries define a person; they do not just teach right and wrong. I am not you and you am not me and I don't have to think, feel, choose, or act the way you do (or vice versa) BUT if we're going to get along and not have conflict then we both need to know where I end and you begin (and vice versa). The op reads as a problem with boundaries, not just a lack of established goals. I'm not there and I am sure you could provide a lot more information so as to inform both but that's not necessary. You seem to know the problem and have some sense of (good) direction, despite the current confusion. An example of some boundaries would be....

You, the boarder, will:

1. Keep the room clean and well ordered. That includes making the bed daily, picking clothes up off the floor daily and putting clean ones away (in either the closet or the dresser) and the dirty ones in the hamper (which you may provide if s/he is lacking one). No food in the bedroom.
2. The foodstuffs are yours to partake for breakfast and lunch within reason, but snacks are not. By reason, I mean a bowl of cereal or two eggs and a couple of slices of bacon for breakfast, or a sandwich and a piece of fruit for lunch. You provide your own dinner except for Sunday nights when Dine with my wife and me. Any snacks must be purchased with your own money and my wife will clear an area for you in the pantry where they can be stored in an orderly manner.
3. Attend all psychiatric, psychological, spiritual, discipling, mentoring appointments as scheduled and agreed upon with your psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. All prescription medications will be taken as prescribed and you will show me the prescriptions before moving in so I know what you're taking, how much, and when. You will give me permission to review your medications with you at least monthly. Any lapse in medication compliance will be considered cause for eviction. I will not ask you or your counselor about the content of your meetings (this may be amended if you, as the landlord, are part of a team approach to rehabilitating the boarder). The use of recreational drugs is not permitted.
4. Attend church at least twice a week, once on Sunday and again in a small group, prayer group, Bible study, or other fellowship of your choosing.
5. Find some other social activity beside church and attend regularly (book club, hiking club, bowling league, etc.). Get out of the house regularly and do something with others.
6. Find a job and go to the job as the job specifies your work hours. If a job needs to be found, then you will apply for a minimum of three jobs every week and show me proof thereof. If you already have a job then go to it and work it.
7. Establish a budget. That includes showing me your income and a plan summarizing real expenses. The budget will include a specified amount set aside for savings dedicated for the purpose of securing your own place to live. Stick to the budget.
8. You are free to come and go during the day but there is a 11 p.m. curfew Sunday through Thursday nights and a 1 a.m. curfew Friday and Saturday nights. Notify me in advance of any event that will cause you to be later than that. If something eccentric comes up I expect a text message notifying me of the delay.
9. The common areas of the house are available to you, but you must be fully clothed when using them.
10. You will pay $XXX in rent each month, due before the fifth day of each month. (I, personally, typically set rent as the amount that would cover the purchase of groceries for the consumption they bring to the household, and I returned that money to the boarder when they left as a gift to further enable them to be successful after leaving but I did not disclose that would happen when they moved in). If you're not working, then rent will commence when you get your first paycheck.

I will call the police anytime I have reason to believe you are a danger to yourself or others. That is not negotiable.

The only time I have ever had difficulty with a boarder was when boundaries were not clearly articulated. Boundaries must be firm but not rigid; flexible but not porous. Rigid and porous boundaries create conflict; they do not prevent or solve it. Henry Cloud's book, "Boundaries" is an excellent resource (for both you and the boarder).

Expectations, on the other hand, need not be as important as boundaries. However, for expectations to work they must be 1) known, 2) shared or agreed upon, and 3) spoken. I cannot tell you how many times I have worked with relationships and heard one person say, "Well, I just thought they knew," or even worse, "I dunno, I guess I just thought....." If you don't know what you expect of you then you are frustrating yourself. If you do not know what you expect of the other person then you are just..... frustrating yourself. If the other person does not know what you expect of them then you are, again, only frustrating yourself. All of that can be cured by simply making sure expectations are spoken and agreed upon. Unlike boundaries, they can be created as need arises (whereas boundaries exist to preemptively meet certain needs and prevent problems from arising in the first place).



Now, given the fact that this boarder is already in your house and home..... it's time to have a talk with that person. First sit down with yourself and figure your half out. Do not go into the conversation with the boarder blind and confused. Talk things through with God (ask him what in the list above is worth applying and what's not). He's a better counselor than me . Review everything with your wife (they're often smarter and more insightful than us guys, but don't tell her I said that). Start small. Sudden gross change mixed with demands triggers resentment, if not rebellion. No sense in both of you being resentful. Keep the first conversation short and sweet. As a general rule, never try to solve complex problems in a single conversation. State the problem as you perceive, the goal as you desire it, and include only the details necessary to understand it. Avail yourself of a few questions and do not repeat yourself unnecessarily. End the conversation with, "Thank you for listening. I will check back with you Monday" (or whatever two days later is). Start small. Prioritize the changes you'd like to see and broach one important change and one minor change. Be prepared to compromise a little on the important change and much more with the minor change. Remember: The conversation itself is a vehicle for change, and you can either build relationship with the way you handle yourself, or tear it down. Don't be a jerk. Two jerks rarely solve anything.

As you've learned but may not realize, change is always disorienting and disorganizing. That applies to good changes as well as bad ones. The current problems are not going to be solved without change, and therefore not without a brief period of new disorientation and disorganization. It will take both of you time to get used to the proverbial new normal (whatever that might be).

Check with your local and state landlord and tenant rights. My locale protects both but leans toward the tenant. It's not difficult to evict someone, but it's not easy, either. Regardless of what they are, always be prepared for that occasion and start making yourself prepared to do so now.

Pray your butt off, if necessary. Add a fast or three, if necessary.

I'm leaving something out, but I can't put my finger on it. Modify any of the above to suit your needs and realize the principles within the letter of the above. Legalism kills.

 

[Michie]

Yeah, I'm discovering that. My wife was talking to me today about how she's hurt by the situation. She's known him for a long time because of me, and she didn't expect this either. Neither of us understand the total lack of motivation, disrespectfulness, and change in character. The only explanation I could give her is that I guess it's a very different situation to hang out with someone than it is to live with them. She messaged me today while she was at work that she doesn't think this will work out with him living here, and that prompted my post more than anything. I am now in the very terrible position of having to destroy a friendship I've had since preschool to restore the happiness and cohesiveness of my home. I don't know why he can't just do the right things. It's so simple to be respectful of the home and the resources and to get a job. He's always worked. Why now of all times to be this way?

The public persona lacks the maintenance it takes to know and live with the personal persona. The whole person. Many think they know the person due to the time involved in the relationship but that’s rarely the case. He sounds like he is stunted and has not matured at all. You are just getting to know the whole person now. You have to set your priorities and not let this situation do more harm. Yes he will get angry but he is not holding up his end at all and showing a total lack of respect to you and your wife. It’s time to call it a day before it progresses further into a more dysfunctional and unhealthy situation. Praying for your strength and discernment in this relationship.

 

[Richard T]

Your generosity is exceptional. I am sorry he took advantage of you. I would just tell him it is not working out for you and give him 30 days to leave. I pray he will vacate without legal ramifications. If he resists you need will need legal help. It might be worth it to give him some financial incentive to leave.
The biggest threat though is spiritual. Jesus said offenses would come. It has. You have to walk in love but be decisive in getting this guy out. You and your wife have to forgive completely and turn things over to God. Whether he thinks you have harmed him is on him. It is ok to tell him you are sorry, but in reality you do not owe him much more than some notice. Google your state law first too on tenancy and your requirements. Hopefully he will go peacefully. Though, it sounds like he might play the victim. Sad if so.

 

[High Fidelity]

To be fair, there’s absolutely zero way that playing games and streaming is taking up 600 MB/s.

Streaming to things like Twitch uses upload speed, and has a max bitrate of 6 MB/s, which isn’t much, and it wouldn’t affect your download speed.

Games don’t use much bandwidth when simply being played. The only way it would tank your download speed that much is if he was downloading something. Maybe he had Steam downloading a bunch of games constantly, who knows, but simply playing games isn’t going to tank it that hard.

Even Netflix at 4K in addition to games etc isn’t going to tank it that hard.

Downloading stuff is also the only real explanation for the ping being higher too. Playing games again is barely going to affect ping, at least not to that extent.

Anyway, I’m only explaining that because it’s worth stating that it’s not just playing games causing it, nevertheless he clearly needs to be more intentional with his spare time.

If I were you I’d be saying he has to move out because you feel your hospitality is being taken advantage of, and he’s being too complacent about the fact that your helping hand is a temporary situation for someone in circumstances they are seemingly a bit too relaxed in.

 

[AlexB23]

My wife and I let my childhood friend of several decades move in with us. I'm disabled, and he was in a tough living situation. He could help me and keep me company at home, and he would be in a much better situation with his own space.

He's been here for a couple of months, and the problems are piling up. He threw up a huge red flag in his first few days here when he mentioned that his source of income could be as my caretaker. SSA would pay him. The problem with that is, if I needed such a thing, that would go to my wife. But most of all, I don't need a caretaker. We shut that down. He has to get a real job. And we thought he would. He talked about it a lot before coming.

Upon arriving he spent $7,000+ on toys and electronics. My wife and I looked at each other bug eyed. He wasn't working, and where he worked before, he didn't make all that much. It turns out this is all the money he had, and 2 months later he's still not working to pay his share. I've had to hold his hand every step of the way. I've led him to 11 job applications, none of which he would have gotten on his own. Not one time has he sought employment on his own. If I'm not finding jobs and staying on him to apply, he won't.

When we found out that he had blown all the money he had, we asked him why he would do that before making sure his bills were paid and he was working. He blamed me and said because I said there are a lot of jobs here. There are a lot of jobs here, but you actually have to go get one. The job fairy doesn't drop them off to you. Yesterday he argued with me that he's not going to call and ask the businesses about his applications because that won't change anything. I've been out of the workforce for 3 years and that's not a long time. I know full well that this does matter, and I've probably called for updates about every job I've ever applied to.

Next we get to his selfishness in the home. He stays in his room most of the day, usually only coming out to eat. In his room he has 4 screens going. One he's playing online games on, one he has a game playing in the background, and on the other 2 he's streaming content. I'm a huge gamer. It's all I have to do while my wife isn't home. When he got here, everything fell apart with the internet. He maxed us out of data after a week and we had to switch over to the more expensive unlimited internet for the first time.

My internet speeds are half of what they used to be before he got here, and my games lag and I get kicked out of them a lot. We can't hardly watch TV. My wife's shows lag the whole time, and maintain the pixelated look rather than smoothing out and being clear. We couldn't figure it out. I was trying everything. We even paid the $100 to have a service technician come out and check on everything. Everything was good. Today my wife mentioned how maybe it's because he's running multiple PCs that are gaming and streaming all at once. 4 screens! So I did a speed test on my system. 300 down and 80 ping. I should be at 1,000 down and 20-30 ping. I went into his room and said I wanted to him to shut it all down so I could conduct the test 3 times, spaced several minutes apart. 900-1100 down and 21-38 ping every single time. I told him that he's the problem. I said you can't even watch or play 4 screens at once. Choose one thing at a time to do. My wife only watches one TV and show at a time, and I'm only playing one game at a time on my system. There's no reason to be sucking up all that bandwidth and slowing down the house. He hasn't even paid for anything yet, and we had to go out of our way to change the internet to accommodate him being here, which wasn't a problem at the time considering we thought he would be contributing sooner rather than later. Not to mention how rude it is to move into someone's home and take ownership of the resource. I also noticed that my ethernet cable was unplugged and plugged into a different port, and he had taken the best one for himself (the only max speed port on the router). I switched them and said this one is mine.

He argued with me for a couple hours about how it's got to be something else and it can't just be his heavy bandwidth use. I calmly kept saying the test doesn't lie. We even had him go back to having the 4 screens going at once and my down went back to 300 and the ping went back up to 80. Every test coincided with his heavy usage. He went back to streaming content while he plays games anyways. He cut 2 screens off, but is still not just sticking to one thing at a time like we always have.

I'm starting to regret this. The internet isn't the only thing that is an argument. He makes everything an argument or debate. He has zero motivation to get out and find work. Zero motivation to lessen his footprint around the home to share equally with everyone.

It sounds like you are facing a difficult situation with your guest. From a psychological perspective, the behaviors of your friend might be indicative of certain personality traits or disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). These conditions often manifest in selfish behavior, lack of empathy for others' feelings and situations, and a refusal to accept responsibility.

From a Biblical perspective, the Apostle Paul addresses this issue in his letter to Timothy: "If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat" (2 Thessalonians 3:10). This passage emphasizes that individuals should contribute to their household and earn their keep. In addition, Jesus teaches us about love and treating others as we wish to be treated ourselves in the Great Commandment (Matthew 22:39).

In your case, it may be necessary for you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend explaining how his actions are affecting you, your wife, and your household. It is also important to set clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences for not meeting those expectations in order to help him understand the importance of contributing positively to the household.

If your friend continues to struggle with these issues, it might be helpful to seek advice from a trusted Christian advisor such as a pastor or a professional counselor who can offer guidance on how best to approach this situation. They may also be able to provide additional resources and tools for addressing and overcoming emotional strongholds like entitlement and selfishness.

 

[tturt]

As Richard T posted, " Google your state law first too on tenancy and your requirement" It can be difficult if they refuse to go & no written agreement prior to arrangement.

 

[Bobber]

Ha...take what I'm saying with a grain of salt.....but here's what I think I'd do. Id tell him nobody.....I mean, NOoooooooBOoooooDY is going to be sitting in a room I'm paying for playing dump, stupid , idiotic video games and not putting 100 % effort into getting a job. If he's in your house shut off the circuit breaker for power to his room, trust me if he can't be on his precious internet he'll be gone after all full time gamers just have to be in their fantasy world...... Better still take his computer and put it on the end of the driveway!

Really though I'd tell him sorry but you've got to go. Your very presence has become a stress thing with me and my wife and I'm sorry you can argue all you want that we're wrong and not being nice but be that as it may you have to go. Will he have to live on the street or go to a shelter? Maybe. You can bring him a bag lunch for a few weeks to get him started. If he hasn't got a job by then or seen the welfare office (strong words here) let him starve. You do know the Bible says right that if a man will not work neither should he eat? (And I'm not referring to people with genuine disabilities)

It remind me many years ago (about 40) a friend of mine allowed a different friend of his to move in with him.....kind of the same story as yours.....living off of him and his wife, not paying rent but continually thinking he could live there. Said he was even a Prophet of God and I guess he thought work was below his call. I told my friend the guy was a scampster a bum and a leach and to get rid of him......which I think indeed they did. He went back to the other city he was from.

 

[Bobber]

It sounds like you are facing a difficult situation with your guest. From a psychological perspective, the behaviors of your friend might be indicative of certain personality traits or disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

I like your post and you've given good advice. In short though I'd say this Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP) is just a fancy way of saying one is being sinful and selfish and they need to knock it off. Might be good to make them aware too that as of TODAY they're going to learn the whole world doesn't revolve around them. There is a saying....when I felt the heat then I saw the light.

These conditions often manifest in selfish behavior, lack of empathy for others' feelings and situations, and a refusal to accept responsibility.

Sure. That's why a mother bird will finally pick up it's young chicks and throw them out of the nest. She makes them when the time is right to make t hem face the responsibility that they're going to learn to fly whether they like it or not. Think they call that tough love.

 

[AlexB23]

I like your post and you've given good advice. In short though I'd say this Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP) is just a fancy way of saying one is being sinful and selfish and they need to knock it off. Might be good to make them aware too that as of TODAY they're going to learn the whole world doesn't revolve around them. There is a saying....when I felt the heat then I saw the light.

Sure. That's why a mother bird will finally pick up it's young chicks and throw them out of the nest. She makes them when the time is right to make t hem face the responsibility that they're going to learn to fly whether they like it or not. Think they call that tough love.

Yeah. Agreed 100%. Fancy jargon is not always needed.

 

[Paidiske]

I'm leaving something out, but I can't put my finger on it.

Your list was pretty comprehensive! Only thing I can see missing is perhaps a clause in the boundaries about entertaining guests (not that this guy sounds like much of a social butterfly, but you never know).

OP, I think @Josheb gave you a very good rundown of things to think about. Be clear about what you're willing to live with, and communicate that. See if agreement can be reached. But don't be afraid to act if it can't; you're not the one destroying your friendship, your friend has done that by choosing to treat you this way.

 

[Lost4words]

My wife and I let my childhood friend of several decades move in with us. I'm disabled, and he was in a tough living situation. He could help me and keep me company at home, and he would be in a much better situation with his own space.

He's been here for a couple of months, and the problems are piling up. He threw up a huge red flag in his first few days here when he mentioned that his source of income could be as my caretaker. SSA would pay him. The problem with that is, if I needed such a thing, that would go to my wife. But most of all, I don't need a caretaker. We shut that down. He has to get a real job. And we thought he would. He talked about it a lot before coming.

Upon arriving he spent $7,000+ on toys and electronics. My wife and I looked at each other bug eyed. He wasn't working, and where he worked before, he didn't make all that much. It turns out this is all the money he had, and 2 months later he's still not working to pay his share. I've had to hold his hand every step of the way. I've led him to 11 job applications, none of which he would have gotten on his own. Not one time has he sought employment on his own. If I'm not finding jobs and staying on him to apply, he won't.

When we found out that he had blown all the money he had, we asked him why he would do that before making sure his bills were paid and he was working. He blamed me and said because I said there are a lot of jobs here. There are a lot of jobs here, but you actually have to go get one. The job fairy doesn't drop them off to you. Yesterday he argued with me that he's not going to call and ask the businesses about his applications because that won't change anything. I've been out of the workforce for 3 years and that's not a long time. I know full well that this does matter, and I've probably called for updates about every job I've ever applied to.

Next we get to his selfishness in the home. He stays in his room most of the day, usually only coming out to eat. In his room he has 4 screens going. One he's playing online games on, one he has a game playing in the background, and on the other 2 he's streaming content. I'm a huge gamer. It's all I have to do while my wife isn't home. When he got here, everything fell apart with the internet. He maxed us out of data after a week and we had to switch over to the more expensive unlimited internet for the first time.

My internet speeds are half of what they used to be before he got here, and my games lag and I get kicked out of them a lot. We can't hardly watch TV. My wife's shows lag the whole time, and maintain the pixelated look rather than smoothing out and being clear. We couldn't figure it out. I was trying everything. We even paid the $100 to have a service technician come out and check on everything. Everything was good. Today my wife mentioned how maybe it's because he's running multiple PCs that are gaming and streaming all at once. 4 screens! So I did a speed test on my system. 300 down and 80 ping. I should be at 1,000 down and 20-30 ping. I went into his room and said I wanted to him to shut it all down so I could conduct the test 3 times, spaced several minutes apart. 900-1100 down and 21-38 ping every single time. I told him that he's the problem. I said you can't even watch or play 4 screens at once. Choose one thing at a time to do. My wife only watches one TV and show at a time, and I'm only playing one game at a time on my system. There's no reason to be sucking up all that bandwidth and slowing down the house. He hasn't even paid for anything yet, and we had to go out of our way to change the internet to accommodate him being here, which wasn't a problem at the time considering we thought he would be contributing sooner rather than later. Not to mention how rude it is to move into someone's home and take ownership of the resource. I also noticed that my ethernet cable was unplugged and plugged into a different port, and he had taken the best one for himself (the only max speed port on the router). I switched them and said this one is mine.

He argued with me for a couple hours about how it's got to be something else and it can't just be his heavy bandwidth use. I calmly kept saying the test doesn't lie. We even had him go back to having the 4 screens going at once and my down went back to 300 and the ping went back up to 80. Every test coincided with his heavy usage. He went back to streaming content while he plays games anyways. He cut 2 screens off, but is still not just sticking to one thing at a time like we always have.

I'm starting to regret this. The internet isn't the only thing that is an argument. He makes everything an argument or debate. He has zero motivation to get out and find work. Zero motivation to lessen his footprint around the home to share equally with everyone.

Have you got a front door??

If so, show him it!!!!!