Why do so many men have no real friends? And what can we do to fix this problem?

[Markie Boy]

Seriously - rural living and less social media, I believe lead to more friendships. In the country you know everyone for miles around. We go back to the city to visit family at times, and there are hundreds of people on one block and nobody talks to each other.

 

[eastcoast_bsc]

I live in an 8 apartment brick walkup and never once socialized with my neighbors.

 

[Markie Boy]

It's an odd thing - in the country where people are more spread out, I know our nieghbors that may be a mile away or more, most less - and everyone waves hello to each other in passing on the road.

 

[fide]

It's an odd thing - in the country where people are more spread out, I know our nieghbors that may be a mile away or more, most less - and everyone waves hello to each other in passing on the road.

In my neighborhood, many wave and smile when driving by or past one another - that's "friendly" - and is a good acknowledgement of the humanity of one another. But that's a long way from friendship. We smile at one another in the big grocery store when passing by with shopping carts. That's typical "southern"ness. That's "common courtesy" or "politeness" - and is respectful, and is good. But that's a long way from true friendship.

Jesus walked with His disciples - who "left all" to follow Him - but only after three years with them, and they with Him, did He say:

Jn 15:14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.
Jn 15:15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
​

I believe that a Christian can have a true friend only when both are friends of Christ, on His terms. Such friendship is to last into eternity.

 

[fide]

To add more thoughts to the OP question, "Why do so many men have no real friends? And what can we do to fix this problem?" -
The answer is "Jesus has so few real friends, therefore among human beings there are few to find." On the other hand, we need only few! Where two or three are gathered in His name, there He is in the midst. And where He is, is all we need.

 

[ValeriyK2022]

I agree with everyone on this thread.
I think there are 3 main reasons:
1) we have much less time than we had in school and student years to spend time with friends;
2) the second follows from the first: time is needed for trust to appear; for we do not know what to expect from a man;
3) little trust, because almost everyone has moved away from Jesus Christ; if, for example, there are people around who sharply violate the commandments of the Savior, then it doesn’t matter if there are a lot of them or a little, we spend a lot of time or a little - it’s difficult for us to find common things with them both for conversation and for pastime.

 

[fide]

I agree with everyone on this thread.
I think there are 3 main reasons:
1) we have much less time than we had in school and student years to spend time with friends;
2) the second follows from the first: time is needed for trust to appear; for we do not know what to expect from a man;
3) little trust, because almost everyone has moved away from Jesus Christ; if, for example, there are people around who sharply violate the commandments of the Savior, then it doesn’t matter if there are a lot of them or a little, we spend a lot of time or a little - it’s difficult for us to find common things with them both for conversation and for pastime.

This thread is only three months old, and yet it seems everything has gotten much worse now, than then. It seems the de-humanization of humanity is taking place before our eyes! Both in the secular world, and in the Church, it's getting much much colder humanly speaking, and much more tepid, carnal and lifeless, spiritually speaking. But keeping looking up, Christians! And cherish the Fellowship in Christ that He is offering us! He is coming, and maybe very soon indeed.

 

[WarriorAngel]

I once heard if you have one friend, you are lucky, if you have two friends, you are very lucky, if you have more than two friends, you don't know what a friend is.

Any truth to that?

Yes.

People are innately selfish and if you're very popular it's for all the wrong reasons.
Trying to fit in vs being real.
Some will say 'I did this for you, so you owe me and when I say you owe me, it's for everything I say you should do so you're always indebt to me...'
There really are folks like this. They want to go past friendship and run your life.

And being 'real today' translates to 'being rude, mean and outright 'cruel' in language and demeanor.'

Social media promotes and honors cruelty. It's cool now to be nasty.

Real friends like real relationships are hard to tell if they mean well.

 

[WarriorAngel]

They say - birds of a feather.
If you're not carefully choosing who is not good to be around, you could easily become like them.

This is why gangs are groups. This is also why knights of Columbus is helpful.
Two distinct types of people. One is more popular [and we can guess which] and the other is less so.

But who you hang with can and does affect so much. Your mental health, emotional health, kindness levels, and so much more.

 

[Lady Bug]

I don't know how to answer for men, but I know undoubtedly that 40 years ago, our subdivision was more social. People would know the names of their neighbors from several houses down the street, even houses you couldn't see with the naked eye. Now, no one in the subdivision talks to each other and probably less so do they know other homeowners' names. When I say no one, I'm not exaggerating. The only one who shows any interest in talking to us is one from over 40 years ago when we first moved in our house, but even then it's much less than what it used to be. I really don't like it.

 

[Bob Crowley]

It's a lot easier to make friends in a Christian context than outside it, as I've found from personal experience.

But the reality is that friends come and go in a sense. When I was in the Presbyterian Church over 30 years ago, I think I could claim some of the parishioners as friends, some closer than others.

But then I joined the Catholic Church, and I also got married and moved away from the locality, so those relationships have gone onto the backburner (for the time being anyway). We also get different friends as we grow older - the kids we knew in school in most cases have scattered to the four winds, and as we move from job to job and location to location our friends are going to change.

I also think that real friendship can be tested. We used to know a chap who went to my wife's church. He died a few years ago from cancer unfortunately. A couple of years before that though he walked the Kokoda Track in Papua-New Guinea and was supposed to be the oldest tourist to do so. The Kokoda Track was an iconic Australian battle during World War II, and it was pretty tough going.

Kokoda Track campaign - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Kokoda Track - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

But we were talking during a Bible study held at his house. He said he was quite wealthy at one stage due to interests in construction. But something happened and he went bankrupt or broke.

Someone asked him how it affected him. He thought for a moment and then said with some feeling "I found out who my friends were!".

 

[Sir Robbins]

I have loads of acquaintances, but solid friends who really "know me"? Nope. I see many of the same people weekly in the cigar shops, certain food spots I hit up, people I work with frequently (I'm independant so I often work with different people) and so on. I never get into personal stuff with any of them and vice versa. No depth essentially. I wouldn't have anyone to call in an emergency. I'm 33 going on 34 this year. I travel alone, usually eat alone and so on. I don't get along with church goers so I don't ever engage them anymore either. Oh well.

 

[Sword of the Lord]

I think men are less gullible and emotional and just see through everyone's bee ess

 

[Michie]

A lot of women don’t have any intimate friends either. It’s not just a man thing.

 

[peacefulseeker]

This thread is only three months old, and yet it seems everything has gotten much worse now, than then. It seems the de-humanization of humanity is taking place before our eyes! Both in the secular world, and in the Church, it's getting much much colder humanly speaking, and much more tepid, carnal and lifeless, spiritually speaking. But keeping looking up, Christians! And cherish the Fellowship in Christ that He is offering us! He is coming, and maybe very soon indeed.

This is why I focus on Christ.and his word and not dogma,.ritual and the like. If we focus on the processes rather than the humanity people exude we will miss what really makes someone a Christian.

I'm going through a lot right now. I still try to be a good human being, a good Christian. Imagine if someone dissects how often I attend church or other such matters rather than the actions of following Jesus and his teachings?

We need to care for one another, show empathy, forgive, help if we can...NOT judge. That is where we lose our humanity in my opinion and with it our purpose.

 

[VincentIII]

Have you heard the joke about Jesus' greatest miracle being that he had twelve friends when he was 30?

The flaw in Cox's article is that he doesn't talk about how men feel about having few or no friends. That should absolutely factor into whether this amounts to a crisis. Unfortunately, the article's tone suggests that the standard has been set by a few platitudes about friendship. It's like: 'He had better get out there and make at least x number of friends, and here's what those friendships should look like. Individual proclivities don't apply; there's only conformity or brokenness.'

How is friendship being defined? And again, what does the individual man want from a friendship?

A man's ability to have close friends could also be affected by his family situation. He could be in a marriage that lasts because it would be ruinous to walk away from it, so they get through it by walking away from each other within the marriage (and friendships won't necessarily fix that). That kind of situation can cut off a large portion of married men as potential friends, because those married men would probably naturally want to extend the friendship to the family level.

 

[fide]

This is why I focus on Christ.and his word and not dogma,.ritual and the like. If we focus on the processes rather than the humanity people exude we will miss what really makes someone a Christian.

I'm going through a lot right now. I still try to be a good human being, a good Christian. Imagine if someone dissects how often I attend church or other such matters rather than the actions of following Jesus and his teachings?

We need to care for one another, show empathy, forgive, help if we can...NOT judge. That is where we lose our humanity in my opinion and with it our purpose.

There is a tendency in us, I agree, to focus on one aspect of reality and lessen the importance of others. My personal history has proven to me that that is a reaction and not the solution. The Truth of reality has so many "parts" and manifestations that we can be left dizzy by the complexities of life! But "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" - a "requirement" that used to be affirmed in the courtrooms of America - is the requirement for human happiness and completion. We need to find our unity, our union, our coherence and living part in, the whole Truth of Reality: God.

That's a long way of saying, I believe we need the whole of Christ and His Holy Spirit. They/He created on earth a New Creation among and in humanity, a Holy Church having Christ as Head and the Spirit as Life of His Body. This Living Reality worships, listens, follows, is nurtured, grows, matures, dwells in Him who is Life. All that includes and needs to include dogma and ritual, as well as vital discipleship under Christ and His Spirit. The problem is, discerning properly and finding and embracing and living Him - in the midst of today's contradictions to Him! And the hypocrisies, the deceptions, the carnality, the sins around and within us.

Yet, He leads, He solves, He offers, He remains.

 

[fide]

I have loads of acquaintances, but solid friends who really "know me"? Nope. I see many of the same people weekly in the cigar shops, certain food spots I hit up, people I work with frequently (I'm independant so I often work with different people) and so on. I never get into personal stuff with any of them and vice versa. No depth essentially. I wouldn't have anyone to call in an emergency. I'm 33 going on 34 this year. I travel alone, usually eat alone and so on. I don't get along with church goers so I don't ever engage them anymore either. Oh well.

I don't understand: If you don't engage with church goers then why are you here on this forum? That's not a challenge - I'm not trying to confront you - it's only a simple question.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I don't understand: If you don't engage with church goers then why are you here on this forum? That's not a challenge - I'm not trying to confront you - it's only a simple question.

The internet is not a church. Get it?

 

[Lost Witness]

would love to have friends IRL,
Not even sure how that would work? or look for that matter?

May The LORD Bless You and Keep You


Shalom Aleichem