Is it ok to be a hermit?

[NotUrAvgGuy]

This might be slightly off-topic, but you guys are my peers so I thought I would ask this here. I know it's been kicked around a bit in other places so forgive me if this is a retread.

I am single (divorced) and have found that I am happiest being alone. I am not anti-social. I just don't need much social contact. I tend to keep to myself and am quiet. When I do socialize, you would never know it. I am friendly, talkative, etc. I just don't choose to be that way often and am very comfortable alone.

While I have had friends over the years, I can't say I've made a new friend in 30 years not counting a few online friends. No one in person. I love to travel, bike ride (bicycle), hike, ski, kayak, and do photography. I definitely get out of the house but I do those things alone 99% of the time. Socially, I rarely get out. I live 2 miles from a great downtown area full of restaurants, shops, bars, etc. I rarely go down there. If I do, I am alone the entire time. I can go weeks where my only outings are to do the things mentioned above or go to some appointment. I can go days at a time without using my voice other than to talk to my cats a little I rarely talk on the phone. I quit attending church in person and now attend online. I live 15 minutes from the church but when I did go I would arrive just before it started, sit in the back row, and leave just before the closing prayer. If I did stick around afterward, I never really spoke to anyone. Even if I said hi, no conversations took place. A single guy just does not draw attention. I have no family at church and I have no local friends so I am alone. I get just as much out of attending online as I do attending in person.

I know as Christians we are supposed to be in a community. We are supposed to be one big family. Fellowship should be natural. For me, it's not. I used to get sick to my stomach before Bible studies. I would have to leave as soon as they ended. It's fair to say I have social anxiety. In my 20s I wasn't as bad. I lead a college and career group at my church and filled in for the pastor at times when he was gone. I taught a lot. I never had problems with public speaking. I'm actually quite good at it, but not the socializing after. I've done tons of writing and am active online using my Biblical knowledge. I help a ton of people but not through organized church ministries and not necessarily people I know from church. More neighbors or people I meet somehow. My sister exhorts me regularly to go to church and get involved. I've tried to explain to her how I am but she just doesn't get it and I understand. If you're not this way, how could you?

Am I wrong to keep to myself so much? Should I be forcing myself to hang out with people at church? I don't like groups or group activities. I am just an introvert and solitary person. I try to let my light shine but it's not in the traditional ways. Yes, I have been to counseling. Years of it. Nothing has changed. This started when I was a baby and circumstances shaped me this way. I definitely have Attachment Disorder. Not marriage material.

I know there are others like me. Are we that bad or just doing the best we can for who we are knowing we live in a fallen world that sin has stained? No, this is not the ideal but neither are birth defects, disease, hate, violence, and so many other things.

 

[returntosender]

Me to, but I get lonely sometimes and like at least 1 close friend to talk to.. Biblically, we are supposed to fellowship? But also, how can we witness to others? We can easily get very selfish and self centered. JMHO. HAPPY SABBATH!

 

[Lost4words]

Be yourself my friend.

God bless you

 

[Rachel20]

It's absolutely OK to be independent and not need what others need. It's also OK to have social anxiety. I used to have it. I think it's fair to say no one can really understand the impact unless/until they've had it. So many things require contact with people - Dentist, Doctor, Groceries... I remember feeling grateful for self-service pay-at-the-pump gas stations! But it's much better today with things like door dash, amazon delivery, work-from-home, etc... And God just makes different ways to use you, like you've listed.

 

[dqhall]

This might be slightly off-topic, but you guys are my peers so I thought I would ask this here. I know it's been kicked around a bit in other places so forgive me if this is a retread.

I am single (divorced) and have found that I am happiest being alone. I am not anti-social. I just don't need much social contact. I tend to keep to myself and am quiet. When I do socialize, you would never know it. I am friendly, talkative, etc. I just don't choose to be that way often and am very comfortable alone.

While I have had friends over the years, I can't say I've made a new friend in 30 years not counting a few online friends. No one in person. I love to travel, bike ride (bicycle), hike, ski, kayak, and do photography. I definitely get out of the house but I do those things alone 99% of the time. Socially, I rarely get out. I live 2 miles from a great downtown area full of restaurants, shops, bars, etc. I rarely go down there. If I do, I am alone the entire time. I can go weeks where my only outings are to do the things mentioned above or go to some appointment. I can go days at a time without using my voice other than to talk to my cats a little I rarely talk on the phone. I quit attending church in person and now attend online. I live 15 minutes from the church but when I did go I would arrive just before it started, sit in the back row, and leave just before the closing prayer. If I did stick around afterward, I never really spoke to anyone. Even if I said hi, no conversations took place. A single guy just does not draw attention. I have no family at church and I have no local friends so I am alone. I get just as much out of attending online as I do attending in person.

I know as Christians we are supposed to be in a community. We are supposed to be one big family. Fellowship should be natural. For me, it's not. I used to get sick to my stomach before Bible studies. I would have to leave as soon as they ended. It's fair to say I have social anxiety. In my 20s I wasn't as bad. I lead a college and career group at my church and filled in for the pastor at times when he was gone. I taught a lot. I never had problems with public speaking. I'm actually quite good at it, but not the socializing after. I've done tons of writing and am active online using my Biblical knowledge. I help a ton of people but not through organized church ministries and not necessarily people I know from church. More neighbors or people I meet somehow. My sister exhorts me regularly to go to church and get involved. I've tried to explain to her how I am but she just doesn't get it and I understand. If you're not this way, how could you?

Am I wrong to keep to myself so much? Should I be forcing myself to hang out with people at church? I don't like groups or group activities. I am just an introvert and solitary person. I try to let my light shine but it's not in the traditional ways. Yes, I have been to counseling. Years of it. Nothing has changed. This started when I was a baby and circumstances shaped me this way. I definitely have Attachment Disorder. Not marriage material.

I know there are others like me. Are we that bad or just doing the best we can for who we are knowing we live in a fallen world that sin has stained? No, this is not the ideal but neither are birth defects, disease, hate, violence, and so many other things.

I had one long term relationship that lasted about three years. She told me to never return. Being single, I may opt out of couples activities. I live in a retirement community. Five and a half years ago I did online dating and discussed marriage and considered getting a housemate of the opposite sex. I bought meals for women, went on a picnic, met a widow’s children, but was unable to commit to marriage or moving in with a lady. After writing to many of the women in this area close to my age, I was alone again. Was involved in some social activities, meeting people at the pool, bocci, two or three parties a year, pot luck suppers, etc. COVID shut that down. Now I am handicapped after a bicycle accident awaiting more surgery. It is lonelier. I went to a new Christian bookstore - coffee shop Saturday. The place was nearly empty. Had to use crutches. I have a new car with more legroom. The shopkeeper was an immigrant who could not speak much English, I exchanged a few words, bought some coffee and food. Went to Facebook, Christian Forums, called a brother. Another brother did not answer the phone. Called my dad.

You should like to socialize. You might learn things through conversation.

Being isolated is not much fun, but sometimes there is no other way.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I had one long term relationship that lasted about three years. She told me to never return. Being single, I may opt out of couples activities. I live in a retirement community. Five and a half years ago I did online dating and discussed marriage and considered getting a housemate of the opposite sex. I bought meals for women, went on a picnic, met a widow’s children, but was unable to commit to marriage or moving in with a lady. After writing to many of the women in this area close to my age, I was alone again. Was involved in some social activities, meeting people at the pool, bocci, two or three parties a year, pot luck suppers, etc. COVID shut that down. Now I am handicapped after a bicycle accident awaiting more surgery. It is lonelier. I went to a new Christian bookstore - coffee shop Saturday. The place was nearly empty. Had to use crutches. I have a new car with more legroom. The shopkeeper was an immigrant who could not speak much English, I exchanged a few words, bought some coffee and food. Went to Facebook, Christian Forums, called a brother. Another brother did not answer the phone. Called my dad.

You should like to socialize. You might learn things through conversation.

Being isolated is not much fun, but sometimes there is no other way.

I do chat with people online or through text. So I do have those types of conversations. Once in a while in person. I do get some people contact through my photography. Not a ton but some. I have no problem going to the store, doctors, dentists, etc. Those things don't make me uncomfortable. I can go out to dinner alone. I usually sit at the bar and mind my own business but being in a room full of people is fine because I am not part of a group and there are no expectations of me. I don't go to try and meet people or get into conversations. It's more to be around people. However, if I end up talking to someone, that's fine. I just don't go looking for it.

 

[returntosender]

We are all different. Nothing wrong with that. How does it go? God planted us where we are, make the best of it and be happy. I can remember being totally freaked out in a group of people! And didn't excel when my job demanded I get up In front of employees and speak. It's been years but I still get sick to my stomach thinking about it. For me, I think it is a poor self image.

 

[returntosender]

Recluse?

 

[angelsaroundme]

Talking is difficult for me. Socializing in person causes me a lot of stress. I think being somewhat of a hermit is an increasingly common thing, at varying levels of severity of course.

 

[public hermit]

It's perfectly fine to be a hermit. Trust me. Of course, it's not for everyone, but for some it's a calling. Keep a prayer in your heart, and you'll never be alone or lonely. Plus, the time you dedicate to prayer will benefit the whole body.

Desert Fathers - Wikipedia
A Little List of Links on Solitude, Simplicity, and Self-Discipline

 

[dqhall]

I do chat with people online or through text. So I do have those types of conversations. Once in a while in person. I do get some people contact through my photography. Not a ton but some. I have no problem going to the store, doctors, dentists, etc. Those things don't make me uncomfortable. I can go out to dinner alone. I usually sit at the bar and mind my own business but being in a room full of people is fine because I am not part of a group and there are no expectations of me. I don't go to try and meet people or get into conversations. It's more to be around people. However, if I end up talking to someone, that's fine. I just don't go looking for it.

Did you talk to neighbors? When I lived in apartment complexes and condos I noticed not many people talked to each other. I had friends at work before I retired. I visited churches sometimes. They seemed to want more money than I wanted to give, so I left there.

A neighbor was collecting funds to set out candles in paper bags filled with sand at night before Christmas. He called them luminaries. I gave him some money. He invited me to a Christmas party where I met some of my neighbors.

I spent too much time watching TV.

 

[Petros2015]

Am I wrong to keep to myself so much?

I think you'll be fine as a hermit, just stay away from the widow next door. I think she's bad news.

 

[DamianWarS]

This might be slightly off-topic, but you guys are my peers so I thought I would ask this here. I know it's been kicked around a bit in other places so forgive me if this is a retread.

I am single (divorced) and have found that I am happiest being alone. I am not anti-social. I just don't need much social contact. I tend to keep to myself and am quiet. When I do socialize, you would never know it. I am friendly, talkative, etc. I just don't choose to be that way often and am very comfortable alone.

While I have had friends over the years, I can't say I've made a new friend in 30 years not counting a few online friends. No one in person. I love to travel, bike ride (bicycle), hike, ski, kayak, and do photography. I definitely get out of the house but I do those things alone 99% of the time. Socially, I rarely get out. I live 2 miles from a great downtown area full of restaurants, shops, bars, etc. I rarely go down there. If I do, I am alone the entire time. I can go weeks where my only outings are to do the things mentioned above or go to some appointment. I can go days at a time without using my voice other than to talk to my cats a little I rarely talk on the phone. I quit attending church in person and now attend online. I live 15 minutes from the church but when I did go I would arrive just before it started, sit in the back row, and leave just before the closing prayer. If I did stick around afterward, I never really spoke to anyone. Even if I said hi, no conversations took place. A single guy just does not draw attention. I have no family at church and I have no local friends so I am alone. I get just as much out of attending online as I do attending in person.

I know as Christians we are supposed to be in a community. We are supposed to be one big family. Fellowship should be natural. For me, it's not. I used to get sick to my stomach before Bible studies. I would have to leave as soon as they ended. It's fair to say I have social anxiety. In my 20s I wasn't as bad. I lead a college and career group at my church and filled in for the pastor at times when he was gone. I taught a lot. I never had problems with public speaking. I'm actually quite good at it, but not the socializing after. I've done tons of writing and am active online using my Biblical knowledge. I help a ton of people but not through organized church ministries and not necessarily people I know from church. More neighbors or people I meet somehow. My sister exhorts me regularly to go to church and get involved. I've tried to explain to her how I am but she just doesn't get it and I understand. If you're not this way, how could you?

Am I wrong to keep to myself so much? Should I be forcing myself to hang out with people at church? I don't like groups or group activities. I am just an introvert and solitary person. I try to let my light shine but it's not in the traditional ways. Yes, I have been to counseling. Years of it. Nothing has changed. This started when I was a baby and circumstances shaped me this way. I definitely have Attachment Disorder. Not marriage material.

I know there are others like me. Are we that bad or just doing the best we can for who we are knowing we live in a fallen world that sin has stained? No, this is not the ideal but neither are birth defects, disease, hate, violence, and so many other things.

people tend to feel like introverted is a bad word. being introverted vs being extroverted just means how you recharge yourself and where you're most comfortable. to some they recharge in social settings and need that social interaction to get through the day, to others they need time alone to recharge. one is not better over the other but if you force an introvert into too much socialization it will become stressful or if you force an extrovert into too much alone time it's stressful for them. it's important you understand what you're needs are and that you don't spiral off into the polar ends. we all need healthy socialization and we all need healthy downtime we also need to push ourselves beyond our comfort levels. healthy is different for each person and pushing yourself is different too, for an extravert, it may be pushing themselves to have more alone time and for an introvert, it may be pushing themselves for more socialization but in the end, a healthy balance is the goal. it sounds like you have a handle on what works for you but over time you may regress into different stages so we need to stay on top of our healthy socialization needs and perhaps adjust as needed

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Did you talk to neighbors? When I lived in apartment complexes and condos I noticed not many people talked to each other. I had friends at work before I retired. I visited churches sometimes. They seemed to want more money than I wanted to give, so I left there.

A neighbor was collecting funds to set out candles in paper bags filled with sand at night before Christmas. He called them luminaries. I gave him some money. He invited me to a Christmas party where I met some of my neighbors.

I spent too much time watching TV.

I talk to my neighbors when I can. I have a million interests and hobbies and am an avid reader. I never lack for things to do!

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I think you'll be fine as a hermit, just stay away from the widow next door. I think she's bad news.

No widow around me but good advice none the less

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

It's perfectly fine to be a hermit. Trust me. Of course, it's not for everyone, but for some it's a calling. Keep a prayer in your heart, and you'll never be alone or lonely. Plus, the time you dedicate to prayer will benefit the whole body.

Desert Fathers - Wikipedia
A Little List of Links on Solitude, Simplicity, and Self-Discipline

Thanks for the links. None of that is for me but appreciate it!

 

[Rajni]

Am I wrong to keep to myself so much? Should I be forcing myself to hang out with people at church? I don't like groups or group activities. I am just an introvert and solitary person. I try to let my light shine but it's not in the traditional ways. Yes, I have been to counseling. Years of it. Nothing has changed. This started when I was a baby and circumstances shaped me this way. I definitely have Attachment Disorder. Not marriage material.

I know there are others like me. Are we that bad or just doing the best we can for who we are knowing we live in a fallen world that sin has stained? No, this is not the ideal but neither are birth defects, disease, hate, violence, and so many other things.

Because I'm very similar, I would say that no, it's not wrong to keep to yourself, as long as it isn't making you miserable. If you have to force yourself to behave in a way that's contrary to your temperament, I'm not sure that would be healthy. Not everyone is an extroverted social butterfly, though it's good we have those to balance things out.

I'm virtually a modern-day Emily Dickinson with how solitary and reclusive I can be, although I do leave my home to go to work at least. And I do enjoy my job and the company of my co-workers. People aren't the problem; they're great. I'm just very introverted.

But I don't think it's necessary to pathologize - or, in the case of the more "shouldy" types of religious mindset, demonize - the tendency to not need much social interaction. I see nothing wrong with it at all.


-

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Because I'm very similar, I would say that no, it's not wrong to keep to yourself, as long as it isn't making you miserable. If you have to force yourself to behave in a way that's contrary to your temperament, I'm not sure that would be healthy. Not everyone is an extroverted social butterfly, though it's good we have those to balance things out.

I'm virtually a modern-day Emily Dickinson with how solitary and reclusive I can be, although I do leave my home to go to work at least. And I do enjoy my job and the company of my co-workers. People aren't the problem; they're great. I'm just very introverted.

But I don't think it's necessary to pathologize - or, in the case of the more "shouldy" types of religious mindset, demonize - the tendency to not need much social interaction. I see nothing wrong with it at all.


-

I am retired now but worked as a software engineer for 36.5 years and that was in an office with coworkers. We sat in cubicles though and spent most of our day with headsets on listening to music while working on our computers. I had 5' walls on 3.5 sides of me. Great for concentration but more isolating.

There is a tendency among some Christians to think that people like us are supposed to devote ourselves to full-time Christian ministry. If you're not married, and have all that free time, you should be spending it all doing work for the church. I think the "gift of singleness" the Bible talks about is different. Those are people who may or may not be introverts but feel called to stay single to more fully devote themselves to ministry. Some missionaries have been this way. I don't feel called to that. In fact, my introversion would prevent me from being effective in some of those ministries. I am not Catholic, but I also don't feel called to be a monk or some other kind of person who devotes their lives to silence and prayer. I still interact with people but more online as well as some in person. I know one "family church" pastor who feels you are either called to marriage (99+%) or you have the "gift of singleness" and should be pouring your life into ministry. It's a very binary way of looking at things. The funny thing is, most churches prefer married leaders. Other than a young youth leader, I can't think of any single staff at my church and it's a pretty big church. You often hear the argument that since most people are married, it's important that pastors and elders be married so they can relate to married couples and families. There is a stigma attached to being single beyond 30. You are often viewed as selfish or strange if you persist in singleness.

I was married for 19 years. In my case, I tried to be someone I wasn't. I was miserable. I stuck in there and made the best of it and did not divorce because of that but I never should have married. I don't think she should have either. Yet there is so much pressure and expectation to get married in the church today. In the same way, a couple who had no children would be suspect especially if they were capable of having biological children. I don't see that marriage HAS to include children.

 

[Rajni]

I am retired now but worked as a software engineer for 36.5 years and that was in an office with coworkers. We sat in cubicles though and spent most of our day with headsets on listening to music while working on our computers. I had 5' walls on 3.5 sides of me. Great for concentration but more isolating.

There is a tendency among some Christians to think that people like us are supposed to devote ourselves to full-time Christian ministry. If you're not married, and have all that free time, you should be spending it all doing work for the church. I think the "gift of singleness" the Bible talks about is different. Those are people who may or may not be introverts but feel called to stay single to more fully devote themselves to ministry. Some missionaries have been this way. I don't feel called to that. In fact, my introversion would prevent me from being effective in some of those ministries. I am not Catholic, but I also don't feel called to be a monk or some other kind of person who devotes their lives to silence and prayer. I still interact with people but more online as well as some in person. I know one "family church" pastor who feels you are either called to marriage (99+%) or you have the "gift of singleness" and should be pouring your life into ministry. It's a very binary way of looking at things. The funny thing is, most churches prefer married leaders. Other than a young youth leader, I can't think of any single staff at my church and it's a pretty big church. You often hear the argument that since most people are married, it's important that pastors and elders be married so they can relate to married couples and families. There is a stigma attached to being single beyond 30. You are often viewed as selfish or strange if you persist in singleness.

I was married for 19 years. In my case, I tried to be someone I wasn't. I was miserable. I stuck in there and made the best of it and did not divorce because of that but I never should have married. I don't think she should have either. Yet there is so much pressure and expectation to get married in the church today. In the same way, a couple who had no children would be suspect especially if they were capable of having biological children. I don't see that marriage HAS to include children.

True, there are churches that will definitely put their people to work! A lot of work goes on in churches on Sundays, because Sunday is a day of rest.

I never felt called to do missionary work, either. In my early years as a born-again Christian, post-Catholicism, I would do 'stealth evangelism' where I'd leave bible tracts here and there for people to find later. Or, I'd put them in business-reply-envelopes and mail them back to the corresponding solicitors. But Missions Week at our church was a nightmare. I'd end up feeling like an extremely inadequate Christian because I didn't sign up to go to some far-away land for Jesus.

However, for a long time I liked the idea of becoming a nun and living in a secluded cloister. That still sounds rather nice to me, but I have some unorthodox views so it's understandable that they'd have to kick me out after about a week. But it would be a wonderful week, at least until the arguing and attempts at exorcising me would start.

People will have their own ideas of what others should be doing or not doing. It's human nature. I do remember a Christian couple that we knew back when I was still married. They were wonderful people, but they seamlessly equated childlessness with selfishness (in a very nonjudgmental way because they were among the sweetest people you could meet). But these things just aren't as black-and-white as that.

I don't think marriage has to include children either. When I was married, we didn't start a family until we'd been married 8 years. Even then, I felt that if I had children, great - if not, that was fine too, as I was sure it was a big responsibility (it is). We did end up having two children just under two years apart. They're adults now; time flies!



-

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

True, there are churches that will definitely put their people to work! A lot of work goes on in churches on Sundays, because Sunday is a day of rest.

I never felt called to do missionary work, either. In my early years as a born-again Christian, post-Catholicism, I would do 'stealth evangelism' where I'd leave bible tracts here and there for people to find later. Or, I'd put them in business-reply-envelopes and mail them back to the corresponding solicitors. But Missions Week at our church was a nightmare. I'd end up feeling like an extremely inadequate Christian because I didn't sign up to go to some far-away land for Jesus.

However, for a long time I liked the idea of becoming a nun and living in a secluded cloister. That still sounds rather nice to me, but I have some unorthodox views so it's understandable that they'd have to kick me out after about a week. But it would be a wonderful week, at least until the arguing and attempts at exorcising me would start.

People will have their own ideas of what others should be doing or not doing. It's human nature. I do remember a Christian couple that we knew back when I was still married. They were wonderful people, but they seamlessly equated childlessness with selfishness (in a very nonjudgmental way because they were among the sweetest people you could meet). But these things just aren't as black-and-white as that.

I don't think marriage has to include children either. When I was married, we didn't start a family until we'd been married 8 years. Even then, I felt that if I had children, great - if not, that was fine too, as I was sure it was a big responsibility (it is). We did end up having two children just under two years apart. They're adults now; time flies!



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Wow, some real parallels between our lives. I also was raised Catholic and briefly flirted with the idea of being a priest to the point of having a missionary priest visit me at our house and talk to me about it. In the end I wasn't convinced it was for me and by the age of 24 was long gone from the Catholic church. I have been comfortable doing evangelism but for a few years I worked closely with a largely Mormon company in Utah making many trips there. I bought a stack of Christian tracts written for Mormons. I left them all over BYU. In bathrooms, in the card catalog drawers, inside books, ... I also left them all over Mormon Square in downtown Salt Lake City. I eventually got caught but an elderly guide in the Tabernacle Choir building. I witnessed to him before voluntarily walking off the property. I live in Idaho which is 25% LDS. I have witnessed to many Mormons.

I don't believe marriage has to include children. I think humanity has fulfilled "be fruitful and multiply." Nothing wrong with having children. They are a blessing but you also have to be cut out to have kids. For a hardcore introvert, living in a house full of people (kids or adults) can be too much. You don't get a break. It's constant activity, noise, and company. It's hard to get away from it. You might love them to death but that doesn't automatically change your personality. Like you, I could have been married without having children and been fine with that. It's not about having time to myself for selfish reasons. It's about being at peace and not stressed all the time.