Family member is gay

[Mushka]

You just proved my point, and that is why I ended my first comment with the adverb "too." The insinuation is that your niece's practice is still, however much some folks deny it, "sin."

But, the other side of it all is that you can also just agree to disagree and love each other and have a good time at (most) family gatherings.

My problem is not my niece coming to family gatherings. It is that she wants to now begin bringing her partner to them. I simply do not know how to respond to that situation. Because what she is saying is that she is going to bring her ‘as a friend’ in that they won’t show affection, but what she ‘wants’ is for us to treat her partner like family. How do you do that? That’s a very confusing proposal/dynamic. Because if she simply did bring just a friend, normally I would be polite to her friend, but honestly I wouldn’t spend a lot of ‘typical’ family time with her because I would know she is just there to ‘hang’ with my niece. She’s really not expecting me to sit down and get to know her if that makes sense. So if I treat her in the ‘friend’ way, my niece will leave feeling like her partner was shunned. If I treat her in the family way, getting to know her, then I’m accepting her into the family. At least someone on this board has to agree with me that this is a difficult dynamic to respond to. ‍♀️

 

[public hermit]

This isn’t true. I do repent of my sins and turn from them. If I make a mistake and sin, I do try and immediately ask the Lord to forgive me and to help me to not do it again. I don’t believe that all people that profess Christianity just live in sin and shrug their shoulders.

It's not about you, unless you make it about you. You're talking about associating with your family member and her partner at a reunion. What does it matter to you? Love your family member as you always have. If you have a problem due to conscience, if you can't treat them with dignity, care, and respect because you don't approve, or if you believe God condemns them in some special way to which you are not liable, that's your burden to bear, not theirs. Let that go, deny yourself the privileged position of judge, and love your family as all of us are called to do. They have one to whom they must give an account just as the rest of us.

As far as children go, homosexuality is not like the cold. They can't catch it by being around it. If you disapprove of the relationship and teach that to your children, that's your prerogative. But you can show them what love looks like under those circumstances. It's not hard.

 

[Brihaha]

I’m not sure if this is in the right spot on the forum but I’m new to this so. I am a Christian and I have a niece that sent a group text announcing that she is gay and that she has a partner. We are a close knit family that spends birthdays and holidays together. Those times are very special to us. Most of the people in our family are very conservative Christians including mine. I don’t believe in shoving my beliefs, thoughts onto others. I don’t normally voice things unless I feel like God is prompting me to say something, which I hardly EVER do. I’m very timid.
I don’t though understand why she even brought it up. She said she’s been this way for a long time. The only reason I can think is that she’s wanting to bring her partner to our family gatherings now. She knows we are very conservative and will never accept her relationship, though we will still love her as much as ever. She’s even said that she will show absolutely no affection during those gatherings. I can’t imagine her being happy bringing her but not being able to show affection. That seems like it would be miserable so I’m not sure why she even told us and would want to bring her under those circumstances.
I have children and I don’t know how to respond to her. (She does want us to respond about her bringing her partner) Even if she shows no affection, I think my children will pick up on the fact that this same ‘friend’ keeps showing up for birthdays, holidays and that it would seem odd to them after a while. Also, I don’t want my children around a homosexual relationship. If it were a big huge family reunion it might be different, but this is a small family interacting closely. I just don’t think she could keep up this charade for long. I DO NOT want to hurt my niece.
I’m just at a loss. My husband is especially tore up over this. This is his side of the family and he’s afraid this will rip the family apart. It’s like he’s choosing between his niece or his children. The point is that we’re responsible for our children and we have to make a very hard decision.

Your niece brought it up because she loves her family and wants to be part of it. If y'all truly love her as you claim, you would accept her. As she accepts you. Faults and all. Warn her to repent if you believe in the word. Homosexuality isn't just a test for those afflicted. It seems like a test of those who sit in judgment also.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

My problem is not my niece coming to family gatherings. It is that she wants to now begin bringing her partner to them. I simply do not know how to respond to that situation. Because what she is saying is that she is going to bring her ‘as a friend’ in that they won’t show affection, but what she ‘wants’ is for us to treat her partner like family. How do you do that? That’s a very confusing proposal/dynamic. Because if she simply did bring just a friend, normally I would be polite to her friend, but honestly I wouldn’t spend a lot of ‘typical’ family time with her because I would know she is just there to ‘hang’ with my niece. She’s really not expecting me to sit down and get to know her if that makes sense. So if I treat her in the ‘friend’ way, my niece will leave feeling like her partner was shunned. If I treat her in the family way, getting to know her, then I’m accepting her into the family. At least someone on this board has to agree with me that this is a difficult dynamic to respond to. ‍♀️

I understand. This is difficult. But realize that many of us have had to deal with this situation, especially over the past few decades as social structures and ideologies change and vear away from the Christian faith.

What you're going to have to do, then, is to "see" your niece and her friend as having common humanity with you before you "see" her sin. This doesn't mean ignoring her state of sin, but it does mean not treating it as a definitive deal breaker in relating with her.

Likewise, she should be able to lovingly reciprocate with you and with the rest of your family, and if she can do this with some amount of integrity, then she'll do what she says and keep her affectionate expressions for her partner toned down while being around you and your children. Basic respect and humane interests swing both ways, or at least, they should. They did for Jesus. They should for us, too.

There will only be a problem if either you and your husband, and/or your niece, engage on a level where each of you feels you just 'have' to win some kind of moral debate about the situation. Nobody wins here, and especially not where deep rooted sexual identity problems are present. So, I recommend that you hold your views at bay (about her sin) when she is around and just love her. And as long as she can reciprocate this level of acceptance, then so should you.

Is there any problem you see with what I'm saying?

 

[Mushka]

It's not about you, unless you make it about you. You're talking about associating with your family member and her partner at a reunion. What does it matter to you? Love your family member as you always have. If you have a problem due to conscience, if you can't treat them with dignity, care, and respect because you don't approve, or if you believe God condemns them in some special way to which you are not liable, that's your burden to bear, not theirs. Let that go, deny yourself the privileged position of judge, and love your family as all of us are called to do. They have one to whom they must give an account just as the rest of us.

As far as children go, homosexuality is not like the cold. They can't catch it by being around it. If you disapprove of the relationship and teach that to your children, that's your prerogative. But you can show them what love looks like under those circumstances. It's not hard.

My response was directed toward your response of:

public hermit said: ↑
Yeah, that goes for everybody and no one does it. Christians need to throw down their stones and get in line with all the other sinners.

Im not sure if you misunderstood my responding to that?

However, I must say that this is about me. It’s about my niece, her partner, my kids, my husband's family. It’s about all of us. You cant take anyone out of the equation.

I’m only judging my actions. I’m asking, what would God have me to do because I am ultimately responsible for my own actions. I am not my nieces judge nor will I ever be.

And, yes, this is hard. I can’t imagine why you would say that it isn’t.

No you can’t catch homosexuality like the cold. This is about influence. I will teach my children about the sinfulness of homosexuality, but I’m not going to buy a bunch of books about gay families and spend hours exploring it. Talking to them about it and seeing people out and about is enough. Imersing yourself in it doesn’t seem like a wise thing. My problem is that I don’t know the difference between how much is too much for my children. I don’t want to open doors to sin for them that ought to stay shut. And yes I do believe some doors to sin ought to stay shut because of influence. I just don’t know if this family gathering is one of those doors, or not.
I DO NOT want to hurt my niece.
I DO NOT want to hurt her partner.
I DO NOT want to hurt my bro and sis in law.
I DO NOT want to hurt my children.
I DO NOT want to hurt anyone.
But most of all, I DO NOT want to disobey God in this matter.
I’m just gonna be honest and say that I’m surprised at the amount of negative responses there were given when I just confessed that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if people are angry? I plan to just back out of here and ask God for guidance through His Spirit.
Peace to you all.

 

[public hermit]

I don’t know if people are angry?

I apologize if my posts seem angry; I'm certainly not angry. I'm just being honest.

 

[Albion]

Well, you have a couple of choices, Mushka. You can lecture her on the sin and likely split the family for good. Or you can attempt to go with your niece's proposal without abandoning your moral convictions. She already knows how you and the rest of the family feel.

She has found what she considers to be happiness, just the same way she would have if she'd found the perfect man at last . But while she announced it, she did it privately. And she made the concession not so show affection in family gatherings.

By that, I think she means overt expressions of affection. If she sticks to that, I doubt that the children will be scandalized. That's assuming no one else takes them aside and explains why we don't care for our niece like we used to.

On balance, I'd be inclined to go with the second approach. She probably isn't going to be hanging around the house day after day with her significant other anyway, so it won't be that much of a disruption to you and yours. And this definitely would not be you defying God.

However, for you to make an issue of it, even politely, would be to reject more than just her sexual preferences, and probably for the long term.

 

[seeking.IAM]

My problem is that I don’t know the difference between how much is too much for my children.

I think a good rule of thumb is to limit information to giving only the answer to questions asked. I always tried not to give more information than was asked for. I think that ensures children know they can talk to parents about any subject and are only getting information they are able to handle while not going into such detail that they aren't ready for yet. There will be plenty of time to answer their other questions later as they arise.

 

[Clare73]

I do not think that your children will have any problem, they either have gay friends now or they will have in the future. You are saying that your family is Christian, Christians love everyone, you do not have to like what people are doing in private and you may see them as sinners but Jesus did not avoid sinners, are we better than Jesus?

Jesus also did not allow them to continue sinning (John 5:14, John 8:11).

 

[jacks]

It seems the only solution is to pull ourselves out of the family gatherings until we know what’s really the right thing to do.

This is probably your best approach at the moment. If you go and really have misgivings, it probably would not turn out well. How others say you should feel really isn't relevant. Perhaps invite your niece and her partner over; just the two of them to have dinner with you and your husband. No big family gathering or children. It might help you solidify your feelings about the situation, in a more private setting. Pray about it and discuss it with your husband.

 

[disciple Clint]

Jesus also did not allow them to continue sinning (John 5:14, John 8:11).

Jesus won them over with His love, not by condemning them or ostracizing them. He demonstrated that change is a gradual process supported by love.

 

[Clare73]

I’m not sure if this is in the right spot on the forum but I’m new to this so. I am a Christian and I have a niece that sent a group text announcing that she is gay and that she has a partner. We are a close knit family that spends birthdays and holidays together. Those times are very special to us. Most of the people in our family are very conservative Christians including mine. I don’t believe in shoving my beliefs, thoughts onto others. I don’t normally voice things unless I feel like God is prompting me to say something, which I hardly EVER do. I’m very timid.
I don’t though understand why she even brought it up. She said she’s been this way for a long time. The only reason I can think is that she’s wanting to bring her partner to our family gatherings now. She knows we are very conservative and will never accept her relationship, though we will still love her as much as ever. She’s even said that she will show absolutely no affection during those gatherings. I can’t imagine her being happy bringing her but not being able to show affection. That seems like it would be miserable so I’m not sure why she even told us and would want to bring her under those circumstances.
I have children and I don’t know how to respond to her. (She does want us to respond about her bringing her partner) Even if she shows no affection, I think my children will pick up on the fact that this same ‘friend’ keeps showing up for birthdays, holidays and that it would seem odd to them after a while. Also, I don’t want my children around a homosexual relationship. If it were a big huge family reunion it might be different, but this is a small family interacting closely. I just don’t think she could keep up this charade for long. I DO NOT want to hurt my niece.
I’m just at a loss. My husband is especially tore up over this. This is his side of the family and he’s afraid this will rip the family apart. It’s like he’s choosing between his niece or his children. The point is that we’re responsible for our children and we have to make a very hard decision.

Your niece is trying to make the girlfriend a member of the family.
That is the issue here.

What would you do in the following situations, which I suggest are analogous to your situation.

Your out-of-town only and married brother, whom you love dearly, is cheating on his wife (in violation of God's marriage law).
He is coming to town in a couple of weeks with his secret girlfriend and wants to stay at your house.
What do you do?

Or, it's your out-of-town sister's birthday party to which you plan to fly, and which coincides with your brother's business trip to the same town, and your sister has chosen to accept his relationship with the secret girlfriend whom he is bringing.
What do you do?

Personally, my loyalty to my sister-in-law, of whom I am very fond (analogy for loyalty to God's ways), would not allow me to participate in either.

However, that does not extend to public events outside my private sphere.

 

[Clare73]

Jesus won them over with His love, not by condemning them or ostracizing them. He demonstrated that change is a gradual process supported by love.

He didn't "win over" anything, the impaired were not against him that they should be "won over."

He clearly instructed them as to what they must do.

 

[Archivist]

I’m sorry, but this is not true. The Lord told us to go and sin no more. If I sin, even in my heart where no one can possibly see it, I still repent and ask the Lord to forgive me and to help me never to do it again. practicing homosexuality is not in that same category, nor any other sin that’s left unrepented, because the person is actively pursuing the sin without turning from it.

How many overweight Christians remain overweight? Have they turned from their sins? Remember that about 2/3rds of Americans are overweight or obese.

 

[Mushka]

How many overweight Christians remain overweight? Have they turned from their sins? Remember that about 2/3rds of Americans are overweight or obese.

There is a difference. We have to eat. Period. And yes overeating is gluttony which is sin. The problem is, at what point is it gluttony? That’s hard to measure. It’s not hard to measure homosexuality. It’s simply sin without any conditions.

 

[Archivist]

There is a difference. We have to eat. Period. And yes overeating is gluttony which is sin. The problem is, at what point is it gluttony? That’s hard to measure. It’s not hard to measure homosexuality. It’s simply sin without any conditions.

Overweight might be a point of contention. Obesity? That is a BMI of 30 or greater and would seem to me to quality as gluttony.

 

[Mushka]

There is a difference. We have to eat. Period. And yes overeating is gluttony which is sin. The problem is, at what point is it gluttony? That’s hard to measure. It’s not hard to measure homosexuality. It’s simply sin without any conditions.

Also by bringing her partner with her to family gatherings, she is trying ‘make ‘ her part of her extended family, which is us. I had no problems with her coming by herself. We love her dearly, and would miss her greatly if she decided not to come. but I can’t accept her partner as part of our family.

 

[Albion]

Your niece is trying to make the girlfriend a member of the family.
That is the issue here.

How about this (?) --

"Because what she is saying is that she is going to bring her ‘as a friend’ in that they won’t show affection, but what she ‘wants’ is for us to treat her partner like family. "

If she wants the partner to be treated like one of the family, she'd better "marry" her, or else she isn't one of the family--by definition.

And until that happens (irrespective of what you think about same-sex marriages), she's the girlfriend in the eyes of the family members. As such, there should be no expectation of being included in every family gathering. Some of them, maybe, but not all of them and not as a matter of rights or etiquette.

 

[Archivist]

Also by bringing her partner with her to family gatherings, she is trying ‘make ‘ her part of her extended family, which is us. I had no problems with her coming by herself. We love her dearly, and would miss her greatly if she decided not to come. but I can’t accept her partner as part of our family.

Very sad. I have a cousin who is lesbian. She and her wife are invited to all our family functions.

Do you exclude obese family members?

 

[Mushka]

Overweight might be a point of contention. Obesity? That would seem to be gluttony.

How do I know if they didn’t start a diet plan the day before, or a week ago. Or just ate more than necessary and regretted it and asked God forgive them and to help them. It’s something that can’t be measured, but when you bring your same sex partner to a family gathering, that is blatantly saying I’m living in sin and I want you to be a part of this sinful situation by accepting my partner as part of the family.