thanks for your reply!
I wonder about nature vs nurture since we adopted our daughter
obviously her looks are from birthmother and maybe some of her talents, also
you're right as "I know nothing anymore" while she does know everything, lol
it's still the moodiness that gets me
Well besides the grief issues of loosing grandparents and pet; (expect emotional turmoil there).
Now I know this might sound like a strange question; but is she on any psychotropic pharmaceutical meds? Antidepressants / ADD medication?
If she is, that may be a major contributing factor to the issues you're having.
I have a son who's nearly 20 years old now and has Autism and epilepsy. The only pharmaceutical meds he's on is to control his seizures. Everything else we ended up doing with supplements because the other drugs; just too many side effects and it wasn't good.
My son had a lot of "behavioral problems" in school. He was frustrated. He did much better outside of the brick and mortar school system. He was homeschooled or on home instruction through most of middle-school / high school.
Granted, girls are different than boys. Girls tend to be "moody" anyways.
Gave my son magnesium and zinc for depression. When he was 15; one of his really close gamer friends died of kidney failure and than his own biological father committed suicide. It was a hard year for the kid. I took him to counseling at least once a week for at least 3 years.
The nurse in his neurologist's office told me to give him B-6 for his "ornery" behavior. He also took other things; mostly supplements geared toward brain development. It took a good 6 months, but his mood did stabilize and he's been emotionally stable ever since.
12-14 years old is a hard age. Puberty aint fun for either child or parent! Don't take any of the moodiness personally.
We had a couple of really strict ground rules in the house. If you're mad and you want to beat the couch cushions, lay on the floor and kick and scream; you're allowed to do that; knock your self out. You want to curse out the refrigerator; knock yourself out. (I've done my fair share of yelling at appliances too.)
BUT - No hurting yourself, other people or the animals. No trashing rooms. (My son was not prone to destroying things anyways.) If you get so out of control that I need to call the police; that they do a mental hygiene arrest and take you to the hospital - that WILL happen. He had been hospitalized once for a week on his fear of hurting himself or someone else. (He was that frustrated.) He learned to control himself because he DID NOT like the psych ward. They'd stuck him in a padded time out room. He was a bit traumatized by that. But he did learn a valuable lesson from the experience.
That's also the age that requires really good listening skills on the parents' part. Hear them out and help them figure out how to problem solve their own issues. Share your life experience; empathize with them, but don't tell them what to do. That doesn't work. You want to maintain lines of communication with your kid and that they trust you. Be consistent and be honest. Follow through. I never made promises to my son I couldn't keep. I never played "do as I say, not as I do" and when I was wrong and screwed something up - I apologized AND CHANGED MY BEHAVIOR! That's very important. DO NOT be a hypocrite. They see through that a mile away! Kids aint stupid. Also, don't take their emotional outbursts personally. They are trying to learn how to regulate themselves.
Teenagers are learning how to become adults; so they "stretch their legs" on their own thought processes. That's what they are suppose to do. Help them do that. Your goal as a parent is to "work yourself out of a job". It takes a lot to learn how to become an adult. It's important though that they feel heard! Even if you disagree.
And if a kid has autism or ADD, or something in that sort of spectrum; they are usually a little "behind the 8 ball" on emotional development. Adjust accordingly to the kid's biological challenges.
Give them as much decision making power as is possible for their ability. I'm my son's court appointed legal guardian. I have the court authority to make all his financial, legal and medical decisions. BUT I make no decisions that affect him without his input. The kid has been in the hospital a lot. If he's just "had it" with being poked; I help him work through and figure out what he wants to do. It's his body. If he tells me this med isn't working; or he doesn't like that supplement. I listen to him.
He's pretty good with money. He's not a frivolous spender. If he wants something, like a gaming computer, or new console, we usually save up for it; but generally he "gets what he wants".
Anything "home improvement" related to his spaces; he has the last word on. Bought new living room furniture. He basically picked it out. Got his input on which ceiling fans he liked the best. Had the house resided this past year. He basically picked out the color of the siding. He did a good job. He's pretty sensible. Has a good eye for color. He's also a good photographer and has a huge interest in video games. Support their interests; even if it isn't particularly your cup of tea. My son loves the video game Destiny. Lot of "back story lore" in this game. I don't understand a lot of it; but I listen to him. But he doesn't particularly understand my hobby either. (I'm a national parks volunteer and I do historical interpretation at a Revolutionary War fort.) I took him to a gaming convention in FL year before the pandemic hit. That was an adventure!
So yes, be part of their world; because you will forever be their parent; regardless of how old they get.
