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young teens

Discussion in 'Parenting Teens and Young Adults' started by mama2one, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
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    how I miss the toddler years which were so much fun!

    moody teen in house is not fun
    how do we, husband and I, survive the next six years?

    tips?
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. ~Cassia~

    ~Cassia~ Thy will Lord Supporter

    +11,427
    Canada
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    Boundaries, but they have to be consistent. Rewarding good behaviour while ignoring bad behaviour within a household is very nonproductive. It takes a village is a concept that seems to meet the bar.

    Reality check, locked doors?
     
  3. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
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    thanks for your reply!

    unfortunately, we no longer have a village

    teen lost both grandpas and same age dog in 2020
    on losing dog, she said "I lost a sister"


    I'd like another pet but husband/teen say no
    they don't want to go through a loss again
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2021
  4. sandman

    sandman Senior Member

    +518
    United States
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    Divorced
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    Those are interesting years that can allow you to walk even more tapped in to the spirit of God……………….It's called the wonder years, because you look at that child and ask ...I wonder if their really mine.....

    They still need you ….but it’s not going to be displayed in the previous manner (toddler times) …many times it’s reading between the lines of what they are not saying and picking up on the emotional (facial or body reflection) ….then trusting God that the answer you give is exactly what they need to hear regardless of what your mind tells you.

    Don’t look for “thank you” sometimes you’ll get one…. many times not….but the reward is when you get a “thank you” a few years later …or you see them handle a situation based on the wisdom of God…. and it’s because of what you have imparted to them..

    And remember you cannot argue with someone who knows everything….and they know everything. So you cannot preach, teach or tell them what to do ….you need to get them to answer their own question, or solve their own problems…..with the questions you ask them.

    One of my girls had a "special gift" she developed. This comeback is what we would get when we would speak with her…. the line was …”So what you’re saying IS”. . . . . . .

    And ....you never really knew the twist you were going to get… but it could be something along the lines of

    ME : I think you need to change your blouse

    DAUGHTER : So what your saying is ….. I’m ugly and I don’t know how to dress….

    ME: Sweetie, you’re beautiful and one of the most fashionable dressers I know of ….but I am not sure if the tomato sauce on your blouse goes with your shoes…

    The convo continued on a bit in real life…but you get the gist. We knew the physiological battle we were dealing with….and we never let her drag us into it…Always maintain the positive and confess what the Word of God states….. And always mean what you say, and say what you mean …Our words as Christians should be salted (biblical Orientalism) which basically means…. what you state, you will abide by…. no matter what. I am blessed that my kids knew and practiced this as whacked as they seem to get sometimes. If they said they would be home by midnight they were home by 11:55… or they called with change of plans and time.

    Also ....enjoy these times …they are different, but they are also memorable and a type of bonding.
     
  5. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
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    thanks for your reply!

    I wonder about nature vs nurture since we adopted our daughter
    obviously her looks are from birthmother and maybe some of her talents, also


    you're right as "I know nothing anymore" while she does know everything, lol


    it's still the moodiness that gets me
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2021
  6. sandman

    sandman Senior Member

    +518
    United States
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    Divorced
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    Ohhh..no truer statement....beyond a shadow of a doubt.
    And then one day ...its just gone.

    I think what got me through was being thankful that I had wonderful girls who were nothing like me.... in my teen years... I was a parents worst nightmare.
     
  7. The Righterzpen

    The Righterzpen Jesus is my Shield in any Desert or Storm

    +1,133
    United States
    Reformed
    Widowed
    Well besides the grief issues of loosing grandparents and pet; (expect emotional turmoil there).

    Now I know this might sound like a strange question; but is she on any psychotropic pharmaceutical meds? Antidepressants / ADD medication?

    If she is, that may be a major contributing factor to the issues you're having.

    I have a son who's nearly 20 years old now and has Autism and epilepsy. The only pharmaceutical meds he's on is to control his seizures. Everything else we ended up doing with supplements because the other drugs; just too many side effects and it wasn't good.

    My son had a lot of "behavioral problems" in school. He was frustrated. He did much better outside of the brick and mortar school system. He was homeschooled or on home instruction through most of middle-school / high school.

    Granted, girls are different than boys. Girls tend to be "moody" anyways.

    Gave my son magnesium and zinc for depression. When he was 15; one of his really close gamer friends died of kidney failure and than his own biological father committed suicide. It was a hard year for the kid. I took him to counseling at least once a week for at least 3 years.

    The nurse in his neurologist's office told me to give him B-6 for his "ornery" behavior. He also took other things; mostly supplements geared toward brain development. It took a good 6 months, but his mood did stabilize and he's been emotionally stable ever since.

    12-14 years old is a hard age. Puberty aint fun for either child or parent! Don't take any of the moodiness personally.

    We had a couple of really strict ground rules in the house. If you're mad and you want to beat the couch cushions, lay on the floor and kick and scream; you're allowed to do that; knock your self out. You want to curse out the refrigerator; knock yourself out. (I've done my fair share of yelling at appliances too.)

    BUT - No hurting yourself, other people or the animals. No trashing rooms. (My son was not prone to destroying things anyways.) If you get so out of control that I need to call the police; that they do a mental hygiene arrest and take you to the hospital - that WILL happen. He had been hospitalized once for a week on his fear of hurting himself or someone else. (He was that frustrated.) He learned to control himself because he DID NOT like the psych ward. They'd stuck him in a padded time out room. He was a bit traumatized by that. But he did learn a valuable lesson from the experience.

    That's also the age that requires really good listening skills on the parents' part. Hear them out and help them figure out how to problem solve their own issues. Share your life experience; empathize with them, but don't tell them what to do. That doesn't work. You want to maintain lines of communication with your kid and that they trust you. Be consistent and be honest. Follow through. I never made promises to my son I couldn't keep. I never played "do as I say, not as I do" and when I was wrong and screwed something up - I apologized AND CHANGED MY BEHAVIOR! That's very important. DO NOT be a hypocrite. They see through that a mile away! Kids aint stupid. Also, don't take their emotional outbursts personally. They are trying to learn how to regulate themselves.

    Teenagers are learning how to become adults; so they "stretch their legs" on their own thought processes. That's what they are suppose to do. Help them do that. Your goal as a parent is to "work yourself out of a job". It takes a lot to learn how to become an adult. It's important though that they feel heard! Even if you disagree.

    And if a kid has autism or ADD, or something in that sort of spectrum; they are usually a little "behind the 8 ball" on emotional development. Adjust accordingly to the kid's biological challenges.

    Give them as much decision making power as is possible for their ability. I'm my son's court appointed legal guardian. I have the court authority to make all his financial, legal and medical decisions. BUT I make no decisions that affect him without his input. The kid has been in the hospital a lot. If he's just "had it" with being poked; I help him work through and figure out what he wants to do. It's his body. If he tells me this med isn't working; or he doesn't like that supplement. I listen to him.

    He's pretty good with money. He's not a frivolous spender. If he wants something, like a gaming computer, or new console, we usually save up for it; but generally he "gets what he wants".

    Anything "home improvement" related to his spaces; he has the last word on. Bought new living room furniture. He basically picked it out. Got his input on which ceiling fans he liked the best. Had the house resided this past year. He basically picked out the color of the siding. He did a good job. He's pretty sensible. Has a good eye for color. He's also a good photographer and has a huge interest in video games. Support their interests; even if it isn't particularly your cup of tea. My son loves the video game Destiny. Lot of "back story lore" in this game. I don't understand a lot of it; but I listen to him. But he doesn't particularly understand my hobby either. (I'm a national parks volunteer and I do historical interpretation at a Revolutionary War fort.) I took him to a gaming convention in FL year before the pandemic hit. That was an adventure!

    So yes, be part of their world; because you will forever be their parent; regardless of how old they get.
     
  8. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    thanks for your reply & sharing about your son
    sorry, those were tough years for you both!

    husband has told me to grow thicker skin
    I'm a sensitive person so do take the moodiness personally
    miss the carefree & so easy to laugh years

    teen hasn't been to dr for couple yrs
    not on meds & is healthy per last visit

    CF keeps crashing & I lost a long post so cont' below
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2021
  9. The Righterzpen

    The Righterzpen Jesus is my Shield in any Desert or Storm

    +1,133
    United States
    Reformed
    Widowed
    Yeah, this site can be "an odd duck".

    But if magnesium and zinc would help her mood. A plant based source of the two certainly won't hurt her.
     
  10. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    we do eat foods that contain both but probably not enough

    once her braces come off in Dec, we can eat nuts & seeds again so I'll add those back into diet

    thank you
     
  11. timf

    timf Regular Member

    703
    +144
    Non-Denom
    Teens around age 13 begin to deal with abstract thinking. It is almost like waking up one morning to find yourself telepathic. One has to sift through how one relates to others and the world with all sorts of new awareness. It can be overwhelming. Withdrawal is the most common reaction and is somewhat understandable.

    She will have to work through this and adapt. You might be able to help her if she is open to your explanation of what is happening and help her understand deeper relationships. For example you can put on a movie for her and ask her to observe the relationship between the characters and help her understand some of the aspects she is now able to discern.

    However, if she is unwilling to open up about her unfamiliar perceptions, you may still be able to reach her with a series of indulgences like a movie, book, meal, outing, etc. that she enjoys.
     
  12. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,998
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    thanks for your reply

    she did ask me to bring her to library yesterday
    she already read all the books she took out last week

    she spends a lot of time in her room or basement
    however, that's because she writes stories & does crafts-jewelry & painting

    two after school activities now so I'll be driving there
    I always ask when we're in car "is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
     
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