I don't understand why God stays distant from me. I thought it was because I was struggling with sexual sin at the time (I was working on overcoming it) but he still won't come close. When I did get clean of all the sin in my life I grew spiritually and God uses me a lot to help other people: pray for them, give them prophetic words, a lot of spiritual warfare, and I'm a dreamer (main spiritual gift). God answers and is present when I ask him to do things for others but never when I need him.
I was very suicidal, depressed, and I was scared for my safety because I didn't trust myself to be alone. I was so close to suicide I'd have to spend hours convincing myself not to actually do it and I would beg God to show himself or just tell me he loved me and never did. The only time he spoke to me was to do things for other people but he never helped me; even my verbally abusive, at the time, mother. Literally I ask for anything regarding myself he is silent but when it comes to other people he is very vocal and moves is such incredible ways. I'm not asking for anything crazy or anything either or anything that would go against his word. I don't understand why he's doing this, and he won't give me an answer and I've been asking for YEARS. He won't help me get a job so I can escape, he won't comfort me when I beg him to during the times when I cry for hours because I want to die. I see him work in people lives in so many different ways and people keep telling me that he'll do these things if I just ask but he never does. I used to ask him all the time to just tell me he loves me (I'd never heard a non abusive person tell me that before) and he didn't but I know several people who have asked for the same thing and gotten it; God himself has had me tell other people but he won't tell me. It's like I have to see other people get blessed in ways that I've been asking for and yet he won't do it for me; many times he'll have me bless someone else in the very things I've been asking for. I've been actively seeking him, following his word obeying him, working on myself and growing for years but still nothing. He's just so absent in my life and I don't understand. He never even answers my questions when I ask so I'm just confused all the time and stressed out. When people pray for me the things they pray for never happen regardless of how much faith I have. I'm just tired, you know, and I have no more hope. Why is God doing this? I don't understand and I'm convinced that he just doesn't care and I'm meant to be hated and distant from everyone; I have been all my life by literally everyone in my life. Maybe he wants me to suffer so I can once again give someone the very thing that I need for myself. I'm happy to help these people and obey God but why does it never happen for me?
Yall probably think this I a stupid question and I'm just whinning over nothing; and it probably is a stupid question but I' desperate. God doesn't hate me right?- honestly I don't know, no one else can give me answers and God is always silent so maybe yall can help me.
P.S. I'm sorry if the above doesn't make sense I'm not in a really bad place mentally and emotionally and it's affecting my thinking and ability to write well and form good thoughts.
Simple relevant info:
Abusive home, sucidal for most of my life since I was young, poor mental health for most of my life, forced into isolation by father for most of life, Became severely ill from stress 4yrs ago and still am, forced to raise myself, don't know love, I literally can't leave my home- me, my mom, and brother tried running away and we had to come back after a month becuase we had no were to stay and would have ended up on the streets, can't get a job regardless of how hard I try, grew up seeing God's word abused to justify abuse (still in that environment today)
I was very suicidal, depressed, and I was scared for my safety because I didn't trust myself to be alone. I was so close to suicide I'd have to spend hours convincing myself not to actually do it and I would beg God to show himself or just tell me he loved me and never did. The only time he spoke to me was to do things for other people but he never helped me; even my verbally abusive, at the time, mother. Literally I ask for anything regarding myself he is silent but when it comes to other people he is very vocal and moves is such incredible ways. I'm not asking for anything crazy or anything either or anything that would go against his word. I don't understand why he's doing this, and he won't give me an answer and I've been asking for YEARS. He won't help me get a job so I can escape, he won't comfort me when I beg him to during the times when I cry for hours because I want to die. I see him work in people lives in so many different ways and people keep telling me that he'll do these things if I just ask but he never does. I used to ask him all the time to just tell me he loves me (I'd never heard a non abusive person tell me that before) and he didn't but I know several people who have asked for the same thing and gotten it; God himself has had me tell other people but he won't tell me. It's like I have to see other people get blessed in ways that I've been asking for and yet he won't do it for me; many times he'll have me bless someone else in the very things I've been asking for. I've been actively seeking him, following his word obeying him, working on myself and growing for years but still nothing. He's just so absent in my life and I don't understand. He never even answers my questions when I ask so I'm just confused all the time and stressed out. When people pray for me the things they pray for never happen regardless of how much faith I have. I'm just tired, you know, and I have no more hope. Why is God doing this? I don't understand and I'm convinced that he just doesn't care and I'm meant to be hated and distant from everyone; I have been all my life by literally everyone in my life. Maybe he wants me to suffer so I can once again give someone the very thing that I need for myself. I'm happy to help these people and obey God but why does it never happen for me?
Yall probably think this I a stupid question and I'm just whinning over nothing; and it probably is a stupid question but I' desperate. God doesn't hate me right?- honestly I don't know, no one else can give me answers and God is always silent so maybe yall can help me.
P.S. I'm sorry if the above doesn't make sense I'm not in a really bad place mentally and emotionally and it's affecting my thinking and ability to write well and form good thoughts.
Simple relevant info:
Abusive home, sucidal for most of my life since I was young, poor mental health for most of my life, forced into isolation by father for most of life, Became severely ill from stress 4yrs ago and still am, forced to raise myself, don't know love, I literally can't leave my home- me, my mom, and brother tried running away and we had to come back after a month becuase we had no were to stay and would have ended up on the streets, can't get a job regardless of how hard I try, grew up seeing God's word abused to justify abuse (still in that environment today)