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bèlla

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Bella...you mean life is not like in the Rom Coms where the best male friend was her TRUE soul mate this WHOLE TIME! ;-) lol Where the whole narrative is of the woman that keeps bouncing from to relationship and the male friend she confided in (like Jim and Pam in The Office) wound up being together in the end? ;-)

I think it happens for sure. But it isn’t a viable path to me. Getting that across takes a lot of work. :D

Some people prefer connections that grow out of friendships. They like a slower pace or believe that should be the starting point. You have to be willing to downplay your feelings and I don’t agree with that.
 
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SarahsKnight

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I was born over 3 decades ago and am still single. Strangely, I have never had any urges to go around murdering people because I can't get laid.

Amen to that.
 
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SarahsKnight

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Where the whole narrative is of the woman that keeps bouncing from to relationship and the male friend she confided in (like Jim and Pam in The Office) wound up being together in the end? ;-)

Just want to say, I was a fan of the Jim and Pam pairing pretty much the entire time I went through The Office series. Team Pam over Team Angela for life, yo. ^-^
 
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MehGuy

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You seem to be a ridiculously rare guy that can actually develop platonic relationships with women and not develop feelings for them. That's awesome! Most men, and I mean like a ridiculous amount of most men, will develop feelings for the woman at some point and want a romantic relationship. However, either the man will not end up pursuing it, or will end up trying and it will pretty much ruin the friendship. Likewise, the woman will either be aloof to the situation or know that her friend has feelings for her and be fine with it as long as he doesn't pursue it. In worst case scenarios, the woman will know, will enjoy the attention, and string along her "friend" knowing that he will likely never actually make a move. All of these things do also happen vice-versa as well.

I imagine more homely women have less of this problem, lol.

I have found the opposite happening with me. I find it very easy to be friends with women (even good looking ones) and not develop feelings for them. Although in my case I am pretty much immune from developing feelings for a woman in a non-suffering context. I do notice a lot of women I'm friends with end up developing feelings for me, or at least making them known after a while.

I'm still capable of pure sexual lust I guess.. but as someone with a lower than average sex drive as a man.. it's not hard to abstain from those feelings with female friends too.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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I think it happens for sure. But it isn’t a viable path to me. Getting that across takes a lot of work. :D

Some people prefer connections that grow out of friendships. They like a slower pace or believe that should be the starting point. You have to be willing to downplay your feelings and I don’t agree with that.

That's more true for younger people, a college-aged set of friends can develop a friendship to a romance...at our ages, we got no time for that! :)
 
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bèlla

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That's more true for younger people, a college-aged set of friends can develop a friendship to a romance...at our ages, we got no time for that! :)

I don’t think age is a factor. It’s a matter of comfort. Some people prefer to develop an acquaintance before contemplating more. I cut to the chase.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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I don’t think age is a factor. It’s a matter of comfort. Some people prefer to develop an acquaintance before contemplating more. I cut to the chase.

So you wouldn't say it's situational either?
 
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ThisIsMe123

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I don’t think age is a factor. It’s a matter of comfort. Some people prefer to develop an acquaintance before contemplating more. I cut to the chase.

Interesting that you would just cut to the chase, as there was a time that the advise "being friends...as the foundation...makes for a more stable, better relationship" than the other option. Some have expressed the other option is doomed for failure.

Of course, I've heard how some met their partners and a month later they were married.

Had a friend of mine in that situation. A lady acquaintance reach out to him (they had a fling in the past). They dated for a month, got engaged, and a week later were married.

He got a lot of flack from friends for doing that...moving that fast, but he said, "Well, were weren't getting any younger...so we tied the knot sooner than later".
 
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MehGuy

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That's more true for younger people, a college-aged set of friends can develop a friendship to a romance...at our ages, we got no time for that! :)

I agree, especially with men. A 40 year old man is not going to develop the same butterflies and feelings for a fellow 40 year old woman as easily as a 20 year man would with a fellow 20 year old woman. Less to do with "time" and more with disinterest.
 
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bèlla

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Interesting that you would just cut to the chase, as there was a time that the advise "being friends...as the foundation...makes for a more stable, better relationship" than the other option. Some have expressed the other option is doomed for failure.

Cut to the chase as in fleshing out interest. Not running to the altar. I’ve known my partner for three years. I know what I’m getting. We don’t need a lengthy engagement. But I wouldn’t do the same for a stranger.

Of course, I've heard how some met their partners and a month later they were married.

My prayer partner did that and the next month she got saved but he wasn’t. Prudence would have spared her a lot heartache. You can’t know someone in 30 days.
 
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MehGuy

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Interesting that you would just cut to the chase, as there was a time that the advise "being friends...as the foundation...makes for a more stable, better relationship" than the other option. Some have expressed the other option is doomed for failure.

Of course, I've heard how some met their partners and a month later they were married.

Had a friend of mine in that situation. A lady acquaintance reach out to him (they had a fling in the past). They dated for a month, got engaged, and a week later were married.

He got a lot of flack from friends for doing that...moving that fast, but he said, "Well, were weren't getting any younger...so we tied the knot sooner than later".

Yeah, I'd like to know someone at least a few years before, or a year at the quickest before I tie the knot. Give some time for potential masks to slip off.

My sister is a horrible person.. and she's dating a man.. the sad thing is.. I feel bad for any man who does marry her.. the mask is starting to slip off and hopefully he comes to his senses and dumps her. Doesn't matter if she's my sister or not.. you do not want to see people become tied to toxic partners.
 
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dzheremi

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I have some platonic female friends and I would say that if you're honest with yourselves, the question must be broached, and probably sooner rather than later, so that no one has any room for unrequited anything. It can be difficult sometimes. I have been given the metaphorical cold shoulder for a while from some who apparently thought there might be something there when I didn't think so. To me that's all the more reason to talk about it. A positive aspect of getting older is that you can hopefully have these sorts of conversations in a mature, respectful way. And if you can't, then I guess that tells you all you need to know about whether or not it's a good idea to pursue anything more with that person.

The older I get, the more value clarity of intention, or, barring that (because sometimes you really don't know), honesty about wherever it is you are, in the sense of "I don't know what's going on, but here's what I'm thinking". I know it's a stereotype that women like to be chased and hence it's a man's job to do the chasing, but to be exceedingly frank about it, I run for physical fitness and to clear my head, not to chase after some girl who thinks that this is how adults should still be behaving in their late 30s/40s. Put down the relationship advice books or whatever and talk to me like a person, and I'll do my best to do the same because I respect you and value your time and do not want to toy with your emotions.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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I have some platonic female friends and I would say that if you're honest with yourselves, the question must be broached, and probably sooner rather than later, so that no one has any room for unrequited anything. It can be difficult sometimes. I have been given the metaphorical cold shoulder for a while from some who apparently thought there might be something there when I didn't think so. To me that's all the more reason to talk about it. A positive aspect of getting older is that you can hopefully have these sorts of conversations in a mature, respectful way. And if you can't, then I guess that tells you all you need to know about whether or not it's a good idea to pursue anything more with that person.

The older I get, the more value clarity of intention, or, barring that (because sometimes you really don't know), honesty about wherever it is you are, in the sense of "I don't know what's going on, but here's what I'm thinking". I know it's a stereotype that women like to be chased and hence it's a man's job to do the chasing, but to be exceedingly frank about it, I run for physical fitness and to clear my head, not to chase after some girl who thinks that this is how adults should still be behaving in their late 30s/40s. Put down the relationship advice books or whatever and talk to me like a person, and I'll do my best to do the same because I respect you and value your time and do not want to toy with your emotions.

There was this one woman I met via Meetup. We had coffee together, but when we got to the coffee place, she said she already had coffee at the tire center. I thought that was odd. So she talked to me, while i drank.

I had a feeling she was kind of backpeddling already about us.

Anyways, I text her when I get home, and asked about getting together again...she said she'd like to get together as friends, and be a "movie buddy"...and I kind of flirted, "a movie buddy I get to cuddle with? :)"

You can see what I was getting at, but I was avoiding the friend zone by flirting instead. It was my of saying I can't see myself being with her without wanting to get physical. With her, platonic would be frustrating for me. So I bolted.
 
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dzheremi

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It's good that you got out of that situation.

I don't think the 'friend zone' actually exists, though...or rather, you are only ever 'stuck' in it by your own inability or unwillingness to be upfront and honest about your feelings and intentions. (That doesn't apply in your situation above, since you were obviously explicitly trying to have something more. It just wasn't reciprocated, which is fine.)
 
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ThisIsMe123

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It's good that you got out of that situation.

I don't think the 'friend zone' actually exists, though...or rather, you are only ever 'stuck' in it by your own inability or unwillingness to be upfront and honest about your feelings and intentions. (That doesn't apply in your situation above, since you were obviously explicitly trying to have something more. It just wasn't reciprocated, which is fine.)

Yeah....believe it or not, I knew a guy that had a big thing for a woman in our outdoors group. She was the kind of woman that got along with men better than women. A lot of men liked her. Anyways, she carpools with one of our members...she's known him a while.

He was hauling a camper behind them. When they got to the site, they enjoyed the company of other members/ friends. When they went to bed (in his camper)...some of the friends rocked the camper and yelled, "If this trailers is a rockin' don't come a knockin!"

Anyways, the broke camp, and later he revealed he wanted her as a girlfriend. She refused, and was quite upset about it..didn't expec that.

She used to complain that male friends would go to parties with her, and these guys would call her "sweetie" or "honey" in front of other people...getting touchy feely with her. Made things real awkward.

I guess the guys were assuming they were a couple.
 
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GOD Shines Forth!

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Yeah, I'd like to know someone at least a few years before, or a year at the quickest before I tie the knot. Give some time for potential masks to slip off.

My sister is a horrible person.. and she's dating a man.. the sad thing is.. I feel bad for any man who does marry her.. the mask is starting to slip off and hopefully he comes to his senses and dumps her. Doesn't matter if she's my sister or not.. you do not want to see people become tied to toxic partners.

Reading this thread I remember a cautionary quote from a record album's liner notes, lol…

"…and always two strangers, uniting in the interests of torment…"—Samuel Beckett
 
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Jamdoc

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You seem to be a ridiculously rare guy that can actually develop platonic relationships with women and not develop feelings for them. That's awesome! Most men, and I mean like a ridiculous amount of most men, will develop feelings for the woman at some point and want a romantic relationship. However, either the man will not end up pursuing it, or will end up trying and it will pretty much ruin the friendship. Likewise, the woman will either be aloof to the situation or know that her friend has feelings for her and be fine with it as long as he doesn't pursue it. In worst case scenarios, the woman will know, will enjoy the attention, and string along her "friend" knowing that he will likely never actually make a move. All of these things do also happen vice-versa as well.

Oh I never said I didn't develop feelings and desires for romance with women. or said that I didn't try to pursue. It just hasn't ruined the friendship.
I've had 2 situations in which a girl was a very good friend of mine, and I did have feelings for her. In one of those cases she had a crush on another guy, so i didn't make a move. I was very young then, maybe I would have chosen differently if I were to be able to do it again.

actually funny how that one panned out. More self reflection time, sorry.
So this girl was an absolute terror to me in 8th grade she teased and taunted me a lot. But a teacher had observed it, and said "she must like you, she's just trying to get your attention" but I didn't listen, she kept teasing. School dance came up, I got told to go even though I you know, figured I'd just be out of place there, I wasn't very popular at all. A girl who was nice to me all the time was the first girl I asked to dance, and I was .. awkward, leaving room for Jesus etc, you know, but she told me, I should ask the girl that was so mean to me to dance and I thought she was crazy. I danced with a few other girls and one of them had said I should go talk to the girl who was mean to me. It came up a few times, so.. last dance, I finally go and talk to her expecting well, I can just leave after she laughs at me and ridicules me. But to my surprise (and nobody else's) she said yes, and she went straight for dancing close (no "leaving room for Jesus", not holding her at arm's length, she wanted to be embraced). She apologized for how she'd been acting to me and said she'd never do it again and how we'd always be friends now. So that's how our friendship started, we got close over the year, but, I never saw the chance to pursue more because she confided in me who she had a crush on, even asked me if she should convert to Mormonism for him (ouch), I said no you shouldn't change yourself for someone else people like you the way you are (hindsight, I could have been more clear about that being me, but you know, nerves and being young), especially what you believe. Everyone in school thought we should have been together but nothing official happened, summer trip at the end of the year, we were both part of the same club, involved some camping, and she'd have me walk out on the beach with her etc, and then later it was her suggestion that several people agreed to, that instead of using the tents we'd sleep under the stars near the camp fire. she was next to me. when I woke up, the teacher that had initially suggested that she liked me, said he got pictures of us before we woke up where she was "snuggled up" against me. Unfortunately, I never took the chance, hindsight, I really really should have. The sad reality, we ended up going to different high schools and I lost track of her completely when she moved, none of the people I knew from back then know anything about her. I've always wondered what happened to her and I hope her life has been better than mine. But, yeah, I developed feelings for her quickly after we started talking more, but because of her crushing on another boy.. I was a coward. I shouldn't have been, because it was pretty obvious to everyone outside of the two of us that we were happiest spending time with each other.


Second... this was a girl went to parties with in college, I was interested, but she was in a relationship, pretty much always, I maybe had a window of about a week once.. but she was snatched up pretty quick.. she knew I was interested, I just don't think physically I was her type... but we spent a lot of time together as in, sometimes we'd just kill an entire day in a cafe that was famous for its slow service, and just.. doing nothing all day.. but at the same time.. I was content just to be spending time with her, and she with me. Sometimes she'd call me over, to her boyfriend's apartment.. and we'd just... hang out all day, watch anime, talk, and just I dunno, just being content to be in the company of another person even if doing virtually nothing with them. those 2 girls only time that has ever happened. I never actually met the second boyfriend, which was always kind of weird, I'd met the first one. I think I saw him once but of course, didn't talk to him "hey I have a crush on your girl and spend almost as much time alone with her as you do, nice to meet you"... anyway.. I think a big factor here, was that she was into.. well.. meth. I constantly tried to get her off of it, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriend was her supplier. So she wasn't a good choice for me to go after, but still, somehow.. I just meshed with her. I later left because the big city and all the partying were bad for me, she also left for her home to break away from the meth. But I ended up as a spontaneous decision, hopping a bus to go to a party and spend a weekend in the city.. and.. she was there at the same party, she'd done the same thing, just up and hopped a greyhound to go party, we ran into each other, spent the night reconnecting and having fun, she was off the drugs, and then it turned out, we were both on the same bus for several hours on the way back to the city she lived in where I'd be picked up and driven the rest of the way home. Just bizarre coincidence, we hadn't talked to each other in months and then boom, spending all this time together, and spending 5 hours on the road together.. but she had uh.. a girlfriend at that time.. so yeah that wasn't going to work out. I ended up going into the Navy.. and before I shipped off she dropped the news that she'd been busted for possession, swearing it wasn't what it looked like, that it was her then boyfriend's in the coat she was borrowing from him. She split up with him and asked what I was doing for New Year's Eve, since she was under house arrest. Hind sight.. she was asking me to come to her.
I didn't.
we went our separate ways.. but found each other again later online, in some ways she seems to be doing better.. but in one way.. she is much worse.
She's wiccan now.
and that has kind of made me distance myself, to not get involved with that.
she knows my beliefs in Christ.. she rejects it.

anyway.. those 2, are the only people who I've ever really felt content to just be in their company and do nothing with, anyone else.. it's a constant feeling of boredom if we're not DOING SOMETHING.
Those 2.. I could sit on a log on a beach and watch the sunset wordlessly and enjoy it. Or lay out on the grass and watch the clouds, and feel absolutely nothing else was needed.
No male has ever come close to creating that same experience, and 2 females have.
It becomes kind of a faith crisis issue to me that I'm told that's how it's gonna be with Jesus, but Jesus being male.. it just doesn't resonate the same way. I feel like something will be missing from the picture, and I feel that my constant and quick boredom with everything that has ever existed will consume me.

Sometimes I think that's why God feels that a woman wouldn't be right for me, that if He were to give me one that I felt content with, I would lose need for Jesus, that maybe I value women too highly, and that if I wasn't content just to be with her, my other curse of constant boredom would be unfair to her, that I'd be bored of her quickly.

I read a handful of chapters of the bible and my mind wanders because I get bored of it. I know, terrible thing to say here but it's the truth. I get bored, dreadfully bored. I never liked singing in the first place so I get bored quickly in the worship part of a church service.. and some people say that Heaven is just non stop praise music.. and I absolutely fear that, almost as much as hell, to be stuck doing something I don't even like forever is almost as much torture as being burned forever. Pray for me, because I fear being bored with Jesus, and feel that even with Jesus, something is missing.

But you had me pegged wrong thinking I was totally platonic and never had any desire for romance. Quite the contrary, a desire for romance consumes me even though I've accepted that I won't have romance, it's an acceptance that I'm not happy about at all, it's like accepting a prison sentence. You'll go along without a fight, but you're not happy about it. You know that someone else has made this decision for you and you have to abide by it, that this decision is just and you deserve it, but at the same time, you know it'll cause you suffering and you can forget your own hopes and dreams.

I just don't get angry at other people for it, but I am very much depressed about it, and still harbor an unhealthy hatred in all of it, it's just that hatred is aimed at myself.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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But you had me pegged wrong thinking I was totally platonic and never had any desire for romance.

Yeah, she thought she had you pegged and thought it was...."awesome" that you can only have platonic feelings for women? It's interesting how some women think it's great for men to go against their nature.

It's as if we're somehow being faulted for being attracted to women. lol
 
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bèlla

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Yeah, she thought she had you pegged and thought it was...."awesome" that you can only have platonic feelings for women? It's interesting how some women think it's great for men to go against their nature.

It's as if we're somehow being faulted for being attracted to women. lol

It was a man who told him that. Not a woman. ;)

Most of my partner’s friends are women (90%). But I couldn’t do the same. They won’t be my pal. It depends on the person and who they are in relation to your preferences.

You’re unlikely to be friends with someone who mirrors your ideal. You’ll see it as an opportunity. Not a chance to expand your circle.
 
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