You seem to be a ridiculously rare guy that can actually develop platonic relationships with women and not develop feelings for them. That's awesome! Most men, and I mean like a ridiculous amount of most men, will develop feelings for the woman at some point and want a romantic relationship. However, either the man will not end up pursuing it, or will end up trying and it will pretty much ruin the friendship. Likewise, the woman will either be aloof to the situation or know that her friend has feelings for her and be fine with it as long as he doesn't pursue it. In worst case scenarios, the woman will know, will enjoy the attention, and string along her "friend" knowing that he will likely never actually make a move. All of these things do also happen vice-versa as well.
Oh I never said I didn't develop feelings and desires for romance with women. or said that I didn't try to pursue. It just hasn't ruined the friendship.
I've had 2 situations in which a girl was a very good friend of mine, and I did have feelings for her. In one of those cases she had a crush on another guy, so i didn't make a move. I was very young then, maybe I would have chosen differently if I were to be able to do it again.
actually funny how that one panned out. More self reflection time, sorry.
So this girl was an absolute terror to me in 8th grade she teased and taunted me a lot. But a teacher had observed it, and said "she must like you, she's just trying to get your attention" but I didn't listen, she kept teasing. School dance came up, I got told to go even though I you know, figured I'd just be out of place there, I wasn't very popular at all. A girl who was nice to me all the time was the first girl I asked to dance, and I was .. awkward, leaving room for Jesus etc, you know, but she told me, I should ask the girl that was so mean to me to dance and I thought she was crazy. I danced with a few other girls and one of them had said I should go talk to the girl who was mean to me. It came up a few times, so.. last dance, I finally go and talk to her expecting well, I can just leave after she laughs at me and ridicules me. But to my surprise (and nobody else's) she said yes, and she went straight for dancing close (no "leaving room for Jesus", not holding her at arm's length, she wanted to be embraced). She apologized for how she'd been acting to me and said she'd never do it again and how we'd always be friends now. So that's how our friendship started, we got close over the year, but, I never saw the chance to pursue more because she confided in me who she had a crush on, even asked me if she should convert to Mormonism for him (ouch), I said no you shouldn't change yourself for someone else people like you the way you are (hindsight, I could have been more clear about that being me, but you know, nerves and being young), especially what you believe. Everyone in school thought we should have been together but nothing official happened, summer trip at the end of the year, we were both part of the same club, involved some camping, and she'd have me walk out on the beach with her etc, and then later it was her suggestion that several people agreed to, that instead of using the tents we'd sleep under the stars near the camp fire. she was next to me. when I woke up, the teacher that had initially suggested that she liked me, said he got pictures of us before we woke up where she was "snuggled up" against me. Unfortunately, I never took the chance, hindsight, I really really should have. The sad reality, we ended up going to different high schools and I lost track of her completely when she moved, none of the people I knew from back then know anything about her. I've always wondered what happened to her and I hope her life has been better than mine. But, yeah, I developed feelings for her quickly after we started talking more, but because of her crushing on another boy.. I was a coward. I shouldn't have been, because it was pretty obvious to everyone outside of the two of us that we were happiest spending time with each other.
Second... this was a girl went to parties with in college, I was interested, but she was in a relationship, pretty much always, I maybe had a window of about a week once.. but she was snatched up pretty quick.. she knew I was interested, I just don't think physically I was her type... but we spent a lot of time together as in, sometimes we'd just kill an entire day in a cafe that was famous for its slow service, and just.. doing nothing all day.. but at the same time.. I was content just to be spending time with her, and she with me. Sometimes she'd call me over, to her boyfriend's apartment.. and we'd just... hang out all day, watch anime, talk, and just I dunno, just being content to be in the company of another person even if doing virtually nothing with them. those 2 girls only time that has ever happened. I never actually met the second boyfriend, which was always kind of weird, I'd met the first one. I think I saw him once but of course, didn't talk to him "hey I have a crush on your girl and spend almost as much time alone with her as you do, nice to meet you"... anyway.. I think a big factor here, was that she was into.. well.. meth. I constantly tried to get her off of it, and I'm pretty sure the boyfriend was her supplier. So she wasn't a good choice for me to go after, but still, somehow.. I just meshed with her. I later left because the big city and all the partying were bad for me, she also left for her home to break away from the meth. But I ended up as a spontaneous decision, hopping a bus to go to a party and spend a weekend in the city.. and.. she was there at the same party, she'd done the same thing, just up and hopped a greyhound to go party, we ran into each other, spent the night reconnecting and having fun, she was off the drugs, and then it turned out, we were both on the same bus for several hours on the way back to the city she lived in where I'd be picked up and driven the rest of the way home. Just bizarre coincidence, we hadn't talked to each other in months and then boom, spending all this time together, and spending 5 hours on the road together.. but she had uh.. a girlfriend at that time.. so yeah that wasn't going to work out. I ended up going into the Navy.. and before I shipped off she dropped the news that she'd been busted for possession, swearing it wasn't what it looked like, that it was her then boyfriend's in the coat she was borrowing from him. She split up with him and asked what I was doing for New Year's Eve, since she was under house arrest. Hind sight.. she was asking me to come to her.
I didn't.
we went our separate ways.. but found each other again later online, in some ways she seems to be doing better.. but in one way.. she is much worse.
She's wiccan now.
and that has kind of made me distance myself, to not get involved with that.
she knows my beliefs in Christ.. she rejects it.
anyway.. those 2, are the only people who I've ever really felt content to just be in their company and do nothing with, anyone else.. it's a constant feeling of boredom if we're not DOING SOMETHING.
Those 2.. I could sit on a log on a beach and watch the sunset wordlessly and enjoy it. Or lay out on the grass and watch the clouds, and feel absolutely nothing else was needed.
No male has ever come close to creating that same experience, and 2 females have.
It becomes kind of a faith crisis issue to me that I'm told that's how it's gonna be with Jesus, but Jesus being male.. it just doesn't resonate the same way. I feel like something will be missing from the picture, and I feel that my constant and quick boredom with everything that has ever existed will consume me.
Sometimes I think that's why God feels that a woman wouldn't be right for me, that if He were to give me one that I felt content with, I would lose need for Jesus, that maybe I value women too highly, and that if I wasn't content just to be with her, my other curse of constant boredom would be unfair to her, that I'd be bored of her quickly.
I read a handful of chapters of the bible and my mind wanders because I get bored of it. I know, terrible thing to say here but it's the truth. I get bored, dreadfully bored. I never liked singing in the first place so I get bored quickly in the worship part of a church service.. and some people say that Heaven is just non stop praise music.. and I absolutely fear that, almost as much as hell, to be stuck doing something I don't even like forever is almost as much torture as being burned forever. Pray for me, because I fear being bored with Jesus, and feel that even with Jesus, something is missing.
But you had me pegged wrong thinking I was totally platonic and never had any desire for romance. Quite the contrary, a desire for romance consumes me even though I've accepted that I won't have romance, it's an acceptance that I'm not happy about at all, it's like accepting a prison sentence. You'll go along without a fight, but you're not happy about it. You know that someone else has made this decision for you and you have to abide by it, that this decision is just and you deserve it, but at the same time, you know it'll cause you suffering and you can forget your own hopes and dreams.
I just don't get angry at other people for it, but I am very much depressed about it, and still harbor an unhealthy hatred in all of it, it's just that hatred is aimed at myself.
