- Dec 13, 2015
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So, back in April of last year a mostly manic episode started and didn't end until nearly June of this year. Then in June I lost my bi-pap machine (I have sleep apnea as well) and didn't get it back until almost mid August so of course my symptoms came back and probably just slowly manifested themselves since June. Now? I'm getting a mixture of a psychotic and a manic episode ever since about a week ago. I'm starting to question my doctors, thinking they're out to get me. I'm starting to question my friends and wife and I'm starting to question whether what I'm really experiencing is real. I don't want to be force fed my poison anymore and quite frankly? Right now my Christian counselor is the only thing keeping me half sane and alive. I'm paying $260 a month (It's over half of my SSI check that's left over every month given the fact that I have to pay rent, credit cards, a now $120 cable bill, and many other expenses.)
But, this counselor is worth the $260 a month to me because he seems to be helping me a lot. He's an Arminian but I don't care. I get along with all different kinds of God's sheep, Arminian's including and He's got me thinking that one day I won't be so miserable in this life either. He's giving me hope that one day Jesus will provide for me and one day after I die I'll have everything I ever dreamed of and more.
I asked him whether or not I will ever experience happiness, joy, or fulfullment in this life as a Bipolar/Schizophrenic person and he said that Jesus came to give us abundant life and not just in the next life but, in this one too.
Just all things put, things are not going well in my life right now. The only thing keeping me alive and not being one of the nearly one in ten schizophrenics who die from suicide is, God. My hope in God and my now new hope in what my counselor said.
Jesus promised me abundant life and It's like, I have to wait for it. I am definitely not happy. I'm not happy with my life, I'm not happy with my wife as some people know, I'm not happy being alive. But, Jesus promised me everlasting, ever happy life and slowly? I'm starting to see it. But, when I get so many episodes so many times in a lifetime it's hard to see the end of that tunnel.
Psychotic and manic episodes are NOT fun to go through. I've been psychotic to the worst, I've gotten bad enough to think I was God before, I've gotten bad enough to attack my wife before when I believed she was Satan, I've gotten bad enough to need 10+ nurses in a hospital to restrain me and get me strapped down so they could inject me with Ativan and put me to sleep (I weighed almost 400 pounds at the time and was all fat. It was ALL psychosis and being psychotic drawing me).
I've seen this world through every corner. And between my father's physical and verbal abuse, between being told in this world that I am nothing and I am extremely ugly (I am) and that I could never be loved by ANYONE but my mother.
From age 7 to almost 30 that's who all I knew. My mother. I virtually had no one else and knew nothing else. Now I have a wife and my wife took over the role my mother once had. And now I know God but God isn't every road to happiness either.
That's probably why I became a Calvinist. Not only because I do believe Reformed Theology is exactly what the Bible says but because, I need to be loved and appreciated and chosen by something because, I probably was the chief of sinners who acted out to get the chief of attention.
I talk sometimes about how I saw God and I saw heaven. But, my vision of heaven is the ONLY thing keeping me going. I know how happy of a place I'm going back to when I die. And, It's going to be wonderful and beyond my wildest dreams.
It's normal to a schizophrenic to think that they world revolves around them because they have a hard time grasping other people and other people's needs. Sometimes we feel emotionless and care about absolutely nothing even ourselves I try. I try to understand my wife and I try to understand my wife but mostly, we all just either discuss God... or me.
If it wasn't for my hope and God and for you guys here on CF I probably would have nothing. So, thank you. I'm posting this in the prayers section because I want to pray for myself and I want people to pray and hope for my future happiness. I don't just want to be happy when I die. I don't want to just look forward to death so much so that I can finally be fulfilled and happy. God promises us all abundant life and, I want to experience that abundant life. I want this episode to at least be as mild as possible so that everything just doesn't seem hopeless.
As some of you know, I also went through surgery a few weeks ago. That's healing well and I see a GI doctor next month to figure out what's wrong with the rest of me. I'm also seeing an eye doctor very soon (The 22nd) because my eyes are getting to the point where I cannot see even with glasses and I'm hoping the doctor doesn't find something super bad. I'm 34 years old and I'm starting to get the vision of a 90 year old. It's hopefully just a glasses change.
I get that I have to go through episodes several times a year sometimes for years at a end. But, can't I be at least a little bit happy during them? Can't I have more to look forward to than just my departure from this world and just making my inside family and a few friends sad? Such a concept is... unheard of to me.
But, this counselor is worth the $260 a month to me because he seems to be helping me a lot. He's an Arminian but I don't care. I get along with all different kinds of God's sheep, Arminian's including and He's got me thinking that one day I won't be so miserable in this life either. He's giving me hope that one day Jesus will provide for me and one day after I die I'll have everything I ever dreamed of and more.
I asked him whether or not I will ever experience happiness, joy, or fulfullment in this life as a Bipolar/Schizophrenic person and he said that Jesus came to give us abundant life and not just in the next life but, in this one too.
Just all things put, things are not going well in my life right now. The only thing keeping me alive and not being one of the nearly one in ten schizophrenics who die from suicide is, God. My hope in God and my now new hope in what my counselor said.
Jesus promised me abundant life and It's like, I have to wait for it. I am definitely not happy. I'm not happy with my life, I'm not happy with my wife as some people know, I'm not happy being alive. But, Jesus promised me everlasting, ever happy life and slowly? I'm starting to see it. But, when I get so many episodes so many times in a lifetime it's hard to see the end of that tunnel.
Psychotic and manic episodes are NOT fun to go through. I've been psychotic to the worst, I've gotten bad enough to think I was God before, I've gotten bad enough to attack my wife before when I believed she was Satan, I've gotten bad enough to need 10+ nurses in a hospital to restrain me and get me strapped down so they could inject me with Ativan and put me to sleep (I weighed almost 400 pounds at the time and was all fat. It was ALL psychosis and being psychotic drawing me).
I've seen this world through every corner. And between my father's physical and verbal abuse, between being told in this world that I am nothing and I am extremely ugly (I am) and that I could never be loved by ANYONE but my mother.
From age 7 to almost 30 that's who all I knew. My mother. I virtually had no one else and knew nothing else. Now I have a wife and my wife took over the role my mother once had. And now I know God but God isn't every road to happiness either.
That's probably why I became a Calvinist. Not only because I do believe Reformed Theology is exactly what the Bible says but because, I need to be loved and appreciated and chosen by something because, I probably was the chief of sinners who acted out to get the chief of attention.
I talk sometimes about how I saw God and I saw heaven. But, my vision of heaven is the ONLY thing keeping me going. I know how happy of a place I'm going back to when I die. And, It's going to be wonderful and beyond my wildest dreams.
It's normal to a schizophrenic to think that they world revolves around them because they have a hard time grasping other people and other people's needs. Sometimes we feel emotionless and care about absolutely nothing even ourselves I try. I try to understand my wife and I try to understand my wife but mostly, we all just either discuss God... or me.
If it wasn't for my hope and God and for you guys here on CF I probably would have nothing. So, thank you. I'm posting this in the prayers section because I want to pray for myself and I want people to pray and hope for my future happiness. I don't just want to be happy when I die. I don't want to just look forward to death so much so that I can finally be fulfilled and happy. God promises us all abundant life and, I want to experience that abundant life. I want this episode to at least be as mild as possible so that everything just doesn't seem hopeless.
As some of you know, I also went through surgery a few weeks ago. That's healing well and I see a GI doctor next month to figure out what's wrong with the rest of me. I'm also seeing an eye doctor very soon (The 22nd) because my eyes are getting to the point where I cannot see even with glasses and I'm hoping the doctor doesn't find something super bad. I'm 34 years old and I'm starting to get the vision of a 90 year old. It's hopefully just a glasses change.
I get that I have to go through episodes several times a year sometimes for years at a end. But, can't I be at least a little bit happy during them? Can't I have more to look forward to than just my departure from this world and just making my inside family and a few friends sad? Such a concept is... unheard of to me.
