- Aug 13, 2020
- 3
- 0
- 50
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
My husband and I have been in counseling for over a year now without making much progress. A few months ago, our therapist suggested that we move to individual counseling. She has recognized some emotional abuse coming from him and I stayed with her while he went to another counselor. She is helping me be more assertive in situations with him... and she is on my side. He is controlling and manipulative and treats me like a child a lot of the time. I am doing the best I can right now to gain some strength from my own therapy and pray that he will eventually be helped by his own individual therapy. I am especially enlightened with the Boundaries (Henry Cloud) books and seeing where a lot of hurt has come from my husband not allowing me to be free, and me enabling this behavior. A situation has come up that I'm just not sure how to handle in light of boundaries... any advice would be appreciated!
I was hurt about 5 years ago by my church. I worked there for 10 years, and was let go. I won't get into that story but suffice to say, it was a difficult time for me and since then I've had hard time continuing to attend. My husband didn't want to change churches, so I go, but it's really just for him that I go and get my spiritual nourishment mainly from other sources. Recently, in the midst of Covid, the topic of changing churches came up again and I was hopeful. We are staying home and watching sermons online but it seems like a great time to explore some other congregations virtually. As I mentioned before, my husband is controlling. In theory, he says I can do whatever I want but when I don't attend church or mid-week service, or really anytime he doesn't get his way, he makes me feel guilty through manipulation or punishment. Understand, I am not against going to church at all... but in the busyness of the week with 3 kids and a medical condition that leaves me exhausted sometimes, I need a quiet night at home. The church we currently go to has a Wednesday night Bible Study that is 30 mins... so in his mind since it isn't an actual church service he is OK with me missing out on it and he can let that go.
In looking at churches, I found a church I really wanted to try so I sent him the website so he could look it over and read about it. A few days went by and I didn't hear anything from him about it so I asked. He basically said "well, I think this church will cause problems for us. They have a full Wednesday night service and I am going to want to go, and you aren't." I said "Well, what is the problem with that? We can't do our own separate things sometimes on Wednesdays?"... to which he replied, "If I'm going to go to church alone, then I get to pick the church."
I have no idea how to handle this. As a grown adult, I feel I have every right to decide on a given Wednesday if I am going or not. I basically feel treated as a child. In reading the Boundaries books... I am confused sometimes on how it can be applicable to certain situations, this being one of them. In my mind, he is punishing me for creating a boundary for myself and what I do on Wednesdays, and making me feel like a child who has the consequence of just being out of luck in having any say as to what church we choose.
How do I respond to him? What would be the healthy thing to do here?
I was hurt about 5 years ago by my church. I worked there for 10 years, and was let go. I won't get into that story but suffice to say, it was a difficult time for me and since then I've had hard time continuing to attend. My husband didn't want to change churches, so I go, but it's really just for him that I go and get my spiritual nourishment mainly from other sources. Recently, in the midst of Covid, the topic of changing churches came up again and I was hopeful. We are staying home and watching sermons online but it seems like a great time to explore some other congregations virtually. As I mentioned before, my husband is controlling. In theory, he says I can do whatever I want but when I don't attend church or mid-week service, or really anytime he doesn't get his way, he makes me feel guilty through manipulation or punishment. Understand, I am not against going to church at all... but in the busyness of the week with 3 kids and a medical condition that leaves me exhausted sometimes, I need a quiet night at home. The church we currently go to has a Wednesday night Bible Study that is 30 mins... so in his mind since it isn't an actual church service he is OK with me missing out on it and he can let that go.
In looking at churches, I found a church I really wanted to try so I sent him the website so he could look it over and read about it. A few days went by and I didn't hear anything from him about it so I asked. He basically said "well, I think this church will cause problems for us. They have a full Wednesday night service and I am going to want to go, and you aren't." I said "Well, what is the problem with that? We can't do our own separate things sometimes on Wednesdays?"... to which he replied, "If I'm going to go to church alone, then I get to pick the church."
I have no idea how to handle this. As a grown adult, I feel I have every right to decide on a given Wednesday if I am going or not. I basically feel treated as a child. In reading the Boundaries books... I am confused sometimes on how it can be applicable to certain situations, this being one of them. In my mind, he is punishing me for creating a boundary for myself and what I do on Wednesdays, and making me feel like a child who has the consequence of just being out of luck in having any say as to what church we choose.
How do I respond to him? What would be the healthy thing to do here?