- Jun 30, 2020
- 163
- 119
- 19
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Agnostic
- Marital Status
- Private
Hi.
I'm a relatively new "Christian" (for about a year or so.) I think I gave my life (hopefully) to Christ when I was 14. Now I am 16. Now, I would love to give you guys a beautiful story about the Lord and I running into the sunset happily ever after. However, it's been the complete opposite. I know that the Christian life isn't a simple walk in the park (especially in the beginning). But for some reason, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control at the moment. To be honest, I feel like my rational mind is becoming more and more inadequate as I try to seek the Lord.
Before I get into detail what's been going on, I would like to say one thing. I have created this sort of rule that goes, "If I am experiencing a problem, the problem is always caused by me, not God." So when a problem surfaces, I always examine myself to see why this problem has arisen (what did I do to cause this?)
Now, back to the main point, as I have been seeking the Lord, I have been feeling rather inadequate. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. When I try to read the bible, pray, or apply Jesus's teaching into my life (not by my strength but by the Holy Spirit), I always fail significantly.
For example, When I read the bible daily (not just for a few minutes, but for hours), I understand it, grasp the knowledge. However, as soon as I am finished, I feel like I have misread it. For some reason, I feel as if I have played a game with God. When this does happen, I always get this particular thought in my mind that tells me, "Just because you read the bible, and some scripture doesn't mean you know God personally."
(Note, before I do read the bible, I do ask God for guidance and understanding)
Also, after that thought pops up in my mind, I get a other thought that recites 1 Corinthians 1:18: "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." Overall after these thoughts, I become baffled.
Additionally, I feel this way with my prayer life. When I pray (and attempt to worship), I always feel like I have done something wrong (approached God incorrectly. I repent and ask God to forgive me when I think (in my mind) I have approached him incorrectly or foolishly. Now bear in mind, I do examine myself before I pray to see if I have any wrong intentions or if I still have any unrepented sin. However, after I do this, I still feel terrible about myself. This leads to my questioning my salvation (Am I a false convert?) repeatedly.
Moreover, in my daily life (as in my life as I attempt to live by Christ's teaching. I seem to keep messing up. I read and read, pray and pray, and ask and ask the Holy Spirit to help me. But for some reason, I keep doing the opposite of Jesus's teaching. See, I do well, for a long time, then wham! I do something that makes me completely question my salvation (again, it makes me begin to think of myself as a false convert after it happens).
Overall, at the end of the day, I feel disappointed with myself when I think about my "Christian" life. I feel like as I continue to seek the Lord, I keep getting further from him. I have been thinking for the past months about my salvation. I am starting to believe that I am not truly saved.
I have been trying to figure out what I have been doing wrong. To be honest, I have been feeling so confused, exhausted, and inadequate that I have thought that it would just be best if I give up and punch my ticket to hell (It seems that hard to me)
I'm waiting for some significant out-of-this-world rebuke from someone (or God himself) that would finally put me on the right track. I just can't seem to comprehend what I am doing wrong. I have no idea what is going on with my Christian life (and my relationship with God). I have just been feeling nonstop confusion.
I have surrendered my life to the Lord. I have strived to trust him every day and love him with all my strength. But in the end, I am still bombarded by confusion and exhaustion
Am I doing something foolish? Am I ignorant about something important? What's going on?
I'm a relatively new "Christian" (for about a year or so.) I think I gave my life (hopefully) to Christ when I was 14. Now I am 16. Now, I would love to give you guys a beautiful story about the Lord and I running into the sunset happily ever after. However, it's been the complete opposite. I know that the Christian life isn't a simple walk in the park (especially in the beginning). But for some reason, I feel like everything is spiraling out of control at the moment. To be honest, I feel like my rational mind is becoming more and more inadequate as I try to seek the Lord.
Before I get into detail what's been going on, I would like to say one thing. I have created this sort of rule that goes, "If I am experiencing a problem, the problem is always caused by me, not God." So when a problem surfaces, I always examine myself to see why this problem has arisen (what did I do to cause this?)
Now, back to the main point, as I have been seeking the Lord, I have been feeling rather inadequate. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. When I try to read the bible, pray, or apply Jesus's teaching into my life (not by my strength but by the Holy Spirit), I always fail significantly.
For example, When I read the bible daily (not just for a few minutes, but for hours), I understand it, grasp the knowledge. However, as soon as I am finished, I feel like I have misread it. For some reason, I feel as if I have played a game with God. When this does happen, I always get this particular thought in my mind that tells me, "Just because you read the bible, and some scripture doesn't mean you know God personally."
(Note, before I do read the bible, I do ask God for guidance and understanding)
Also, after that thought pops up in my mind, I get a other thought that recites 1 Corinthians 1:18: "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." Overall after these thoughts, I become baffled.
Additionally, I feel this way with my prayer life. When I pray (and attempt to worship), I always feel like I have done something wrong (approached God incorrectly. I repent and ask God to forgive me when I think (in my mind) I have approached him incorrectly or foolishly. Now bear in mind, I do examine myself before I pray to see if I have any wrong intentions or if I still have any unrepented sin. However, after I do this, I still feel terrible about myself. This leads to my questioning my salvation (Am I a false convert?) repeatedly.
Moreover, in my daily life (as in my life as I attempt to live by Christ's teaching. I seem to keep messing up. I read and read, pray and pray, and ask and ask the Holy Spirit to help me. But for some reason, I keep doing the opposite of Jesus's teaching. See, I do well, for a long time, then wham! I do something that makes me completely question my salvation (again, it makes me begin to think of myself as a false convert after it happens).
Overall, at the end of the day, I feel disappointed with myself when I think about my "Christian" life. I feel like as I continue to seek the Lord, I keep getting further from him. I have been thinking for the past months about my salvation. I am starting to believe that I am not truly saved.
I have been trying to figure out what I have been doing wrong. To be honest, I have been feeling so confused, exhausted, and inadequate that I have thought that it would just be best if I give up and punch my ticket to hell (It seems that hard to me)
I'm waiting for some significant out-of-this-world rebuke from someone (or God himself) that would finally put me on the right track. I just can't seem to comprehend what I am doing wrong. I have no idea what is going on with my Christian life (and my relationship with God). I have just been feeling nonstop confusion.
I have surrendered my life to the Lord. I have strived to trust him every day and love him with all my strength. But in the end, I am still bombarded by confusion and exhaustion
Am I doing something foolish? Am I ignorant about something important? What's going on?