SW501: Hi all, I consider myself a Christian for a while now but I suffered a tragedy last year. 10/18 my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer & she passed away on 12/5. I prayed & talked to God every day & I believe he told me she was going to be healed & I had received words which seemed to me that he was telling me it was going to be ok. Now earlier that year I had really started to grow in my faith & started to feel his presence.
When she passed on it felt like I had been cut off from God & I have never felt the same, I didn't feel angry with God but just sad that he didn't keep his promise. My mother flat out refused to believe anymore but I can't blame her. It was not the same for me. I still believed & want to believe but it's getting harder & harder I feel no connection whatsoever anymore.
To make matters worse I pretty much had a breakdown & even considered doing the unthinkable, I would have gone through with it if not for my boys. I had to go to the doctors to get help which was really hard because I was brought up to believe depression is a choice & you just have to pull yourself together. I feel pretty pathetic that I can't function as a normal person without help anymore.
I just can't shake this feeling now that there is nothing & perhaps we are just here & then we are gone & what is the point...Not sure what to do.
It is painful when we lose a loved one. I am sorry for your loss. I am also thankful that you didn't do the unthinkable & love for your boys stopped you & you have carried on. I have experienced this numerous times in my life. Yet I have never doubted God's love or concern despite facing death or trials many times in my life. I am still here & still patiently trusting in God & bearing the fruit of my repentance.
Death is a reality every one of us faces. None of us gets out of it. It is just a reality of life, no matter the circumstances of the death.
Heb 9:27 'It is appointed for man to die once...'
I don't want to sound like I am criticizing you but I am going to show you some things based on what you wrote here & WHY this is crucial to help you understand.
I consider myself a Christian for awhile now UNTIL...
I believe he told me she was going to be healed...
I had received words which SEEMED to me...
I started to FEEL his presence...
When she passed I FELT like I had been cut off from God...
I have never FELT the same...since she passed.
I didn't FEEL angry with God just sad because he didn't keep his promise.
My mother flat out refused to believe anymore but I CAN'T BLAME HER (but she & you CAN blame God for what you 'think or felt' He said & you ARE angry & offended with God, just denying it)
I still believed & WANT TO believe but it's getting harder & harder.
I FEEL NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER anymore.
To make matters worse I PRETTY MUCH had a breakdown.
I had to go to the doctors to get help which {I found} was really hard because I WAS BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE depression is a choice & you just have to PULL YOURSELF together.
I FEEL PRETTY PATHETIC that I CAN'T function as a normal person without help anymore.
I just can't shake THIS FEELING NOW that there is nothing & perhaps we are just here & then we are gone & what is the point.
I hope you can see now where your deceived belief system is, based on your own words.
Your belief system is based on what you were taught--not on the Scriptures & the biblical definition of faith. You never once mentioned Jesus nor did you capitalize the pronouns for God, again indicating a possible feeling of offense toward God & not showing do honor & respect toward Him. (or it may be you have a habit of not capitalizing them).
Your belief system is based on feelings, which are very volatile & can change at a whim vs biblical belief based on faith & trusting & relying upon the Lord Jesus Christ in all situations.
Third, your whole belief system collapsed based on ONE EVENT! And typical of grief & its cycle one goes through (very predictable cycle for everyone) when it happens, is that people suppress their anger--yours being toward God & your being offended with God.
Circumstances don't make a person, they only reveal the true nature of a person. Our enemy, Satan, has beat up on you now for awhile. He is the deceiver, the destroyer, the father of lies. Now you must renounce these lies & believe the truth of God's Word.
If your sister was saved, she is no longer in pain, she is indeed completely healed & in the joyous presence of the Lord. I long to be there as well, when God is all done maturing me through trials & using me for furthering His kingdom.
'Rise up O men of God. Be done with lesser things.'
The Scripture describes your situation to a tee.
Mark 4:13 And he said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? How then will you understand all the parables?
Luke 8:11-15 (Matt 13:18-23; Mark 4:13-20) Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard; then the devil comes & takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe & be saved.
And THESE ARE LIKEWISE--those sown upon the rocky places, who when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy...But these have no root; they believe for a while & in time of TESTING-- when affliction or persecution arises for the word's sake, immediately they are OFFENDED...AND FALL AWAY.
Still others--like seed sown among thorns, hears the word BUT-- as they go on their way they are choked by THE CARES {of this life} & riches & pleasures of life & their fruit does not mature.
But--those that were sown on the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, HOLD IT FAST in an honest & good heart & bear fruit WITH PATIENCE.
My suggestion to you is to get realize your life took a downward spiral based on ONE EVENT, the death of your sister & your inability to cope with it, blaming God for it & allowing your life to spin out of control because of it.
Now you CAN do something about it & see positive change for the better, if you:
Repent of going your own way, based on feelings not faith & not trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ to save you. Confess your sin of believing God didn't keep His promise (only your perception of this) & stop blaming & being offended at God. Death is a reality for everyone. Confess your sin concerning your growing up belief system & how you were deceived by this.
Cry out to the Lord Jesus Christ to save you & your mom & your boys, placing your belief in Christ & not your feelings.
Repent of your belief system that your life is pathetic & move forward out of being a victim to being an overcomer.
You need to properly grieve & work through the grief of the loss of your sister. Get in a positive support group & a strong church fellowship that can encourage you, as you all work together to grow in biblical faith despite the trials & can genuinely experience the true joy of the Lord, that is the very thing that strengthens us, by God's grace & power. I have prayed for you in all these things. May the Lord's grace & love bring healing & wholeness to you.
Romans 8:36-39 As it is written: “For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.