Wandering Eyes

[Maria Billingsley]

For me I decided that many if not most men are hard wired to ‘notice’ an attractive female but it’s a choice to stare and lust over it. I’ve cut out all staring and or ‘checking out’ and lusting and therefore eliminating the devil’s foot hold including guilt.

This is great observation and advice! The only thing I would add is, love your wife and make her feel beautiful.
Blessings

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Christian men, what do you do to stop wandering eyes; as in "checking out" women? This is a problem I have and I would like to stop it, especially since it is disrespectful to my wife. It's so subconscious that I don't even realize I'm doing it until the damage is done. What can I say? Women are beautiful and I'm just a sinful man. I'm not sure women realize how quickly this all happens for men. In a half second we see the woman and the eyes go straight to the chest or bottom, depending on which way they're facing, without us even realizing it. Some very good and disciplined men have this beat and I would like to know how. The way many women dress in today's Western world makes it even harder. The brothers are stumbling.

In the bible, Job said "I have made a covenant (agreement) with my eyes to not look upon a young woman". The bible tells us

"1Co_10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

The reality is we do have a choice, we can choose to not look. Naturally a man may be drawn to look towards a woman, but this does not mean we should keep looking. We should look away. Like job we need to make an agreement with our eyes to look away. Process it, ensure if you are drawn to look, that you look away by choice.

 

[Sam91]

Also, look what noticing women did to David. It enticed him to sin. Solomon had so many wives that it lead him to idolatry. To keep noticing and admiring people is like idolatry. It is subtly idolising beauty and serving the eyes. It needs checked, same as a lot of our other stumbling blocks such as pride. I still don't think I've said what I mean correctly.

 

[Tigger45]

Christian men, what do you do to stop wandering eyes; as in "checking out" women? This is a problem I have and I would like to stop it, especially since it is disrespectful to my wife. It's so subconscious that I don't even realize I'm doing it until the damage is done. What can I say? Women are beautiful and I'm just a sinful man. I'm not sure women realize how quickly this all happens for men. In a half second we see the woman and the eyes go straight to the chest or bottom, depending on which way they're facing, without us even realizing it. Some very good and disciplined men have this beat and I would like to know how. The way many women dress in today's Western world makes it even harder. The brothers are stumbling.

You sound genuinely upset that you might have hurt your wife. Have you shared with her how it upsets you that this tendency to spot attractive women on reflex bothers you because it might hurt her? She may take your concern for her feelings as endearing. Lord knows there are men who just shrug it off as natural and make no attempt at hiding it. I think ‘cad’ would be a proper label for one such as this.

 

[John P. Alexander]

You sound genuinely upset that you might have hurt your wife. Have you shared with her how it upsets you that this tendency to spot attractive women on reflex bothers you because it might hurt her? She may take your concern for her feelings as endearing. Lord knows there are men who just shrug it off as natural and make no attempt at hiding it. I think ‘cad’ would be a proper label for one such as this.

No, I haven't shared that with her. There are a lot of replies in this thread about loving my wife and finding her beautiful that I find offensive and so I've backed away from the thread (you are not included in this). A lot of misinformation and assumptions that I'm lusting after other women as well. I thought I couldn't be more clear that I'm speaking of the natural tendency of a man to look at women. I love my wife more than anything and I tell her all the time how she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me, as well as other private things when we're intimate. So what I'm leading up to is a broader answer to your question. While I have not shared with her that I'm upset by this and worried that I've hurt her, I do make sure she knows just how pretty she is and how much I love her. I couldn't be more clear that she's the only woman for me and I think she knows this, but just as it's natural for a man to notice women, it's natural for a woman to be hurt or jealous by it.

Really what I'm seeking is how to break phase 1 and not phase 2 because there is no phase 2. Phase 1 is noticing women, phase 2 is lusting after them. I'm in phase 1. I tried to make that clear. I want to know how to break the natural tendency of my sinful flesh, NOT the lusting after women part because it doesn't apply to me and I already know the answer to that if it did.

Sorry, much of this comment wasn't a response to you, but I hope the parts that were a response to you make sense.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

No, I haven't shared that with her. There are a lot of replies in this thread about loving my wife and finding her beautiful that I find offensive and so I've backed away from the thread (you are not included in this). A lot of misinformation and assumptions that I'm lusting after other women as well. I thought I couldn't be more clear that I'm speaking of the natural tendency of a man to look at women. I love my wife more than anything and I tell her all the time how she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me, as well as other private things when we're intimate. So what I'm leading up to is a broader answer to your question. While I have not shared with her that I'm upset by this and worried that I've hurt her, I do make sure she knows just how pretty she is and how much I love her. I couldn't be more clear that she's the only woman for me and I think she knows this, but just as it's natural for a man to notice women, it's natural for a woman to be hurt or jealous by it.

Really what I'm seeking is how to break phase 1 and not phase 2 because there is no phase 2. Phase 1 is noticing women, phase 2 is lusting after them. I'm in phase 1. I tried to make that clear. I want to know how to break the natural tendency of my sinful flesh, NOT the lusting after women part because it doesn't apply to me and I already know the answer to that if it did.

Sorry, much of this comment wasn't a response to you, but I hope the parts that were a response to you make sense.

I hate to say this, John, but I don't think there's a clear way around what you've called "phase 1." Don't feel guilty for it; just don't harbor on it. Besides, remember that even the Apostle Paul said his flesh would burn with desire too, so if you're doing better than Paul, you're doing pretty good. Of course, he also said he beat his body daily to obey Christ, and I'm not sure how literal we should take that, so I'd rather not recommend self-abuse as a form of self-control.

Just realize you're a man and try maybe to be a little more aware of your surroundings when you go into public places, and you'll be in a better mode to avoid looking directly at various women who may accidentally cross your visual path.

 

[createdtoworship]

duplicate

 

[createdtoworship]

duplicate

 

[Sal Robinson]

I think prioritising emotional and spiritual connection with your wife, where you have deep heart to hearts, and sub-consciously you'll recognise that a deep heart to heart relationship is more rewarding than physical attraction..



Genuine relationship is more rewarding than physical attraction


that's how God has wired us

 

[createdtoworship]

I think prioritising emotional and spiritual connection with your wife, where you have deep heart to hearts, and sub-consciously you'll recognise that a deep heart to heart relationship is more rewarding than physical attraction..



Genuine relationship is more rewarding than physical attraction


that's how God has wired us

I think both should be there. If you are not attracted then temptation becomes an issue, and if you don't like the other person as far as friendship, then fighting is a problem.

 

[Biblewriter]

Christian men, what do you do to stop wandering eyes; as in "checking out" women? This is a problem I have and I would like to stop it, especially since it is disrespectful to my wife. It's so subconscious that I don't even realize I'm doing it until the damage is done. What can I say? Women are beautiful and I'm just a sinful man. I'm not sure women realize how quickly this all happens for men. In a half second we see the woman and the eyes go straight to the chest or bottom, depending on which way they're facing, without us even realizing it. Some very good and disciplined men have this beat and I would like to know how. The way many women dress in today's Western world makes it even harder. The brothers are stumbling.

I have read through this thread, and have been disappointed at the answers. Any man that claims he does not have this problem is either sick or a liar. For it is hard wired into the masculine body. Women usually need some kind of emotional connection to be attracted.But men are attracted by mere sight.

But that does not mean it is acceptable for a person to be attracted to someone to whom they are not married. For our Lord said "that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28 Jesus said this because there is not a single healthy man who has never done this. So it was a way to reveal to everyone the sinfulness in their own hearts.

But that does not change either the gravity of the situation or the futility of trying to deal with it. And I intentionally used the word futility. For it is futile to even try to eliminate sin in our lives. This is the subject of the seventh chapter of Romans, which depicts what ALWAYS happens when we determine to resist sin in our lives, and begin to try to live holy lives. Many have improperly imagined that this chapter describes a struggle that the Apostle Paul was personally experiencing. But these people have totlly missed the point of the entire first eight chapters of Romans. For this important section of the word of God presents the NORMAL development of a Christian, from his first realization of his guilt before God (chapters 1 and 2) to full maturity in Christ (chapter 8.)

Chapter seven gives what happens after the Christian (in chapter six) has realized his responsibility to live a holy life, and begins to try to do that. And the entire point of Romans 7 is that this does not work. No matter how hard you try, such trying will NEVER overcome sin in your life. Now the particular sin which is the subject of this thread is the "wondering eye," or committing adultery in a person's heart. But what I am about to say applies equally to ANY besetting sin, whether it is an uncontrollable temper, greed, profanity, or any other sin that has gained a mastery over someone.

Our problem is the way our brains work. The more we try not to think about something, the more it prevails in our minds. A preacher once illustrated this by asking everyone in his congregation to NOT think about the number 13. He then asked them what they were thinking about, and almost all of them said, "13." He then began to speak of the wonders of the number seven. He mentioned how, in the word of God, the number seven signifies perfection. And he, being somewhat of a mathematician, began to expound upon the wonders of the number 7. He explained how both of the great physical constants of the universe, neither of which can be precisely represented by any fraction, can both be very closely represented in the base 7. For in the base 7, the number we call pi is 3.1 and the number we call e is 2.5. And in radian measure and the base 7 the trigonometrical relationships we call sine and tangent are both numerically equal to their angles when the angles are small. After he finished this, he suddenly said, "Now, how many of you are thinking about the number 13." And of course, no one was.

This preacher was explaining why trying to stop sinning NEVER works. It CANNOT work, because it is self defeating. So when I preach, I often say "You need to STOP trying to be good. Just STOP IT!" and that is what Romans 7 is about. For we read:
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice." Romans 7:18-19

There IS a way to stop sinning. But trying to stop is not that way. Your old nature is too strong for you. You cannot fight it, for it will always beat you up. And you cannot run away from it, because it is a part of you. But there is a way to get rid of it, at least temporarily. And that is to go where it WON'T go. If you fill your heart and mind with Jesus, it hates that, so it will go sit in the corner and sulk. And as long as your entire heart and mind and being is full of Jesus, that old nature will STAY in that corner and KEEP sulking.

This principle is described in the scriptures by saying, "I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." Galatians 5:16 So you can see that this is not just some crazy idea I thought up, but is explicitly taught in scripture.

As an aid to avoiding sin in our lives, I sometimes recommend what I call "spiritual calisthenics." These are a series of spiritual exercises that, even as physical calisthenics make the body stronger, these spiritual exercises will make the new nature stronger. These exercises are:

1. Think long and hard upon what the Lord Jesus accomplished for me when He died on the cross. Thoughts such as:

I am forgiven of all my sins and trespasses.
My sins will be remembered no more.
My iniquities will be mentioned no more.
All accusations against me will be rejected.
I will definitely go to heaven - no maybes about it.
I will rejoice for ever in God’s presence.
I am accepted, completely accepted, forever, before the throne of Almighty God.
My acceptance before God is permanent and irrevocable.
No one is able to pluck me out of His hands.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I am in the protective hands of God.
I am born again.
I have been made a child of God.
I have been adopted as a child by God himself.
I am beloved of God.
I have been made an heir of God.
I am part of the bride of Christ.
I am indwelt by the Holy Spirit.
I have been made greater than the greatest Old Testament saint.
I am now an ambassador of Christ.
I am commissioned to preach the good news of salvation to whoever will hear it.
I am a part of the church.
I am a member of His body.
I am a priest of God.
I am part of His kingdom.
I will reign with Christ.
I have authority over demons.
I will judge angels.
He is coming again for me.
I will stand before Him.
I will see His face.
My eyes shall behold Him.
I will see His beauty.
I will be seated in His presence.
I will sit at His table.
He will serve me.
He has given me riches beyond conception.
My home is heaven.
I have a place in God’s home.
I have a room in His house.
I am chosen by God.

2. Think long and hard upon what it cost the Lord Jesus to do this for me. Thoughts such as:

He had to leave his Father’s home in heaven.
He had to give up his throne in heaven.
He had to be come a man.
He had to be borne into the world.
He had to suffer all the indignities of life in this earth.
He had to live here for thirty three years.
He had to become a servant.
He had to obey all of God’s laws.
He had to accept being arrested.
He had to accept false accusation.
He had to allow himself to be tortured.
He had to pollute his holy soul with the guilt of my very many sins.
He had to be punished in my place.
He had to die.
This death had to be on a cross.
He had to be cursed.
He had to be rejected.
He had to be abandoned by God.
He cried out to God, and was not heard.
He had to be buried.
He had to rise from the grave.

3. Think long and hard about just who this is that did all this for me. Thoughts such as:

This was not some little nobody like the Pope, the president of the United States, or some king, premier, or dictator. This was the Almighty God of the entire universe.

He personally created the entire universe.
He made the worlds.
He made the world into a place suitable for mankind.
He made man.
He made me.
He owns everything.
He owns me.
He is the supreme judge of all the universe.
All power and authority is given into His hand.
He will judge the world.
He will destroy the world.
He will create all things new.

I guarantee that these exercises, done on a daily basis, will make your new nature much stringer than it was before.

 

[createdtoworship]

Also, look what noticing women did to David. It enticed him to sin. Solomon had so many wives that it lead him to idolatry. To keep noticing and admiring people is like idolatry. It is subtly idolising beauty and serving the eyes. It needs checked, same as a lot of our other stumbling blocks such as pride. I still don't think I've said what I mean correctly.

I can't even look anymore. I look too long, problems. I look at them the wrong way, problems. I smile too long, problems. It's all problems, and the problem is in my heart. So I just look down most of the time. I can still see beatiful women, they are hard not to notice, I just don't look at them for long, but in order to be able to do that, I have to do it with everyone. Practice become habit, habit becomes lifestyle.

 

[createdtoworship]

I have read through this thread, and have been disappointed at the answers. Any man that claims he does not have this problem is either sick or a liar. For it is hard wired into the masculine body. Women usually need some kind of emotional connection to be attracted.But men are attracted by mere sight.

But that does not mean it is acceptable for a person to be attracted to someone to whom they are not married. For our Lord said "that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28 Jesus said this because there is not a single healthy man who has never done this. So it was a way to reveal to everyone the sinfulness in their own hearts.

But that does not change either the gravity of the situation or the futility of trying to deal with it. And I intentionally used the word futility. For it is futile to even try to eliminate sin in our lives. This is the subject of the seventh chapter of Romans, which depicts what ALWAYS happens when we determine to resist sin in our lives, and begin to try to live holy lives. Many have improperly imagined that this chapter describes a struggle that the Apostle Paul was personally experiencing. But these people have totlly missed the point of the entire first eight chapters of Romans. For this important section of the word of God presents the NORMAL development of a Christian, from his first realization of his guilt before God (chapters 1 and 2) to full maturity in Christ (chapter 8.)

Chapter seven gives what happens after the Christian (in chapter six) has realized his responsibility to live a holy life, and begins to try to do that. And the entire point of Romans 7 is that this does not work. No matter how hard you try, such trying will NEVER overcome sin in your life. Now the particular sin which is the subject of this thread is the "wondering eye," or committing adultery in a person's heart. But what I am about to say applies equally to ANY besetting sin, whether it is an uncontrollable temper, greed, profanity, or any other sin that has gained a mastery over someone.

Our problem is the way our brains work. The more we try not to think about something, the more it prevails in our minds. A preacher once illustrated this by asking everyone in his congregation to NOT think about the number 13. He then asked them what they were thinking about, and almost all of them said, "13." He then began to speak of the wonders of the number seven. He mentioned how, in the word of God, the number seven signifies perfection. And he, being somewhat of a mathematician, began to expound upon the wonders of the number 7. He explained how both of the great physical constants of the universe, neither of which can be precisely represented by any fraction, can both be very closely represented in the base 7. For in the base 7, the number we call pi is 3.1 and the number we call e is 2.5. And in radian measure and the base 7 the trigonometrical relationships we call sine and tangent are both numerically equal to their angles when the angles are small. After he finished this, he suddenly said, "Now, how many of you are thinking about the number 13." And of course, no one was.

This preacher was explaining why trying to stop sinning NEVER works. It CANNOT work, because it is self defeating. So when I preach, I often say "You need to STOP trying to be good. Just STOP IT!" and that is what Romans 7 is about. For we read:
"For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice." Romans 7:18-19

There IS a way to stop sinning. But trying to stop is not that way. Your old nature is too strong for you. You cannot fight it, for it will always beat you up. And you cannot run away from it, because it is a part of you. But there is a way to get rid of it, at least temporarily. And that is to go where it WON'T go. If you fill your heart and mind with Jesus, it hates that, so it will go sit in the corner and sulk. And as long as your entire heart and mind and being is full of Jesus, that old nature will STAY in that corner and KEEP sulking.

This principle is described in the scriptures by saying, "I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." Galatians 5:16 So you can see that this is not just some crazy idea I thought up, but is explicitly taught in scripture.

As an aid to avoiding sin in our lives, I sometimes recommend what I call "spiritual calisthenics." These are a series of spiritual exercises that, even as physical calisthenics make the body stronger, these spiritual exercises will make the new nature stronger. These exercises are:

1. Think long and hard upon what the Lord Jesus accomplished for me when He died on the cross. Thoughts such as:

I am forgiven of all my sins and trespasses.
My sins will be remembered no more.
My iniquities will be mentioned no more.
All accusations against me will be rejected.
I will definitely go to heaven - no maybes about it.
I will rejoice for ever in God’s presence.
I am accepted, completely accepted, forever, before the throne of Almighty God.
My acceptance before God is permanent and irrevocable.
No one is able to pluck me out of His hands.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I am in the protective hands of God.
I am born again.
I have been made a child of God.
I have been adopted as a child by God himself.
I am beloved of God.
I have been made an heir of God.
I am part of the bride of Christ.
I am indwelt by the Holy Spirit.
I have been made greater than the greatest Old Testament saint.
I am now an ambassador of Christ.
I am commissioned to preach the good news of salvation to whoever will hear it.
I am a part of the church.
I am a member of His body.
I am a priest of God.
I am part of His kingdom.
I will reign with Christ.
I have authority over demons.
I will judge angels.
He is coming again for me.
I will stand before Him.
I will see His face.
My eyes shall behold Him.
I will see His beauty.
I will be seated in His presence.
I will sit at His table.
He will serve me.
He has given me riches beyond conception.
My home is heaven.
I have a place in God’s home.
I have a room in His house.
I am chosen by God.

2. Think long and hard upon what it cost the Lord Jesus to do this for me. Thoughts such as:

He had to leave his Father’s home in heaven.
He had to give up his throne in heaven.
He had to be come a man.
He had to be borne into the world.
He had to suffer all the indignities of life in this earth.
He had to live here for thirty three years.
He had to become a servant.
He had to obey all of God’s laws.
He had to accept being arrested.
He had to accept false accusation.
He had to allow himself to be tortured.
He had to pollute his holy soul with the guilt of my very many sins.
He had to be punished in my place.
He had to die.
This death had to be on a cross.
He had to be cursed.
He had to be rejected.
He had to be abandoned by God.
He cried out to God, and was not heard.
He had to be buried.
He had to rise from the grave.

3. Think long and hard about just who this is that did all this for me. Thoughts such as:

This was not some little nobody like the Pope, the president of the United States, or some king, premier, or dictator. This was the Almighty God of the entire universe.

He personally created the entire universe.
He made the worlds.
He made the world into a place suitable for mankind.
He made man.
He made me.
He owns everything.
He owns me.
He is the supreme judge of all the universe.
All power and authority is given into His hand.
He will judge the world.
He will destroy the world.
He will create all things new.

I guarantee that these exercises, done on a daily basis, will make your new nature much stringer than it was before.

I agree with your post, we should not be condemned over our failures, Jesus died of that very reason. To bring forgivenss, however the forgivness itself is for a reason too, it's to free us from sin. We have grace, so we don't do it again. It is supposed to make us sick inside so we don't desire sin any more. I do believe sin can change, and I do believe we can repent. It's a mind set that we are sick of our own wickedness. But if we stumble again after repentace, we get up and try something different. The Bible says the righteous man falls 7 times and rises again.

 

[Biblewriter]

I agree with your post, we should not be condemned over our failures, Jesus died of that very reason. To bring forgivenss, however the forgivness itself is for a reason too, it's to free us from sin. We have grace, so we don't do it again. It is supposed to make us sick inside so we don't desire sin any more. I do believe sin can change, and I do believe we can repent. It's a mind set that we are sick of our own wickedness. But if we stumble again after repentace, we get up and try something different. The Bible says the righteous man falls 7 times and rises again.

I am saying to stop trying, and instead turn from yourself entirely, looking instead to Jesus. This is the ONLY REAL solution to the problem.

 

[Sparagmos]

Christian men, what do you do to stop wandering eyes; as in "checking out" women? This is a problem I have and I would like to stop it, especially since it is disrespectful to my wife. It's so subconscious that I don't even realize I'm doing it until the damage is done. What can I say? Women are beautiful and I'm just a sinful man. I'm not sure women realize how quickly this all happens for men. In a half second we see the woman and the eyes go straight to the chest or bottom, depending on which way they're facing, without us even realizing it. Some very good and disciplined men have this beat and I would like to know how. The way many women dress in today's Western world makes it even harder. The brothers are stumbling.

Actually, most men do not do that so obviously that the woman who is the object or their wives/girlfriends can tell. Most men these days are able to control it and be subtle enough that it’s not noticeable. I find that it’s older men and men in more rural areas that seem to still be unable to control themselves. I have no sympathy since most guys I know have figured it out and are respectful. If you see women as equals and complete human beings and not primarily as sex objects, you look at her face not her other parts.

 

[Sparagmos]

Renew your mind. If you were in the habit of not looking when your wife isn't there it would be more natural to do it when she isn't.

Not all men are hardwired to do it. My deceased partner didn't do it at all. He wasn't a Christian. He valued people for themselves and I guess having a sister, who had had lots of attractive friends, a mother and a grandmother he loved and respected helped. He wasn't of the opinion that it was ok to think of women as sexual beings. Not that he spoke of it directly, he didn't need to. It was obvious that he saw people and not their beauty.

Ask God for help with loving people properly.

I think this is the key. It seems like some men are thinking primarily about the sin of lust, rather than the disrespect to the woman he is staring at, when they analyze why they are wrong.

 

[Endeavourer]

Brother, I'm so glad you are intending to change your behaviors in this matter. Behaviors are easier to change than feelings.

Each time your wife feels you looking at someone else, you take a deposit out of her love account for you (i.e. 'lovebuster'). In this case she seems very attuned or sensitive to this behavior of yours (perhaps she feels not as beautiful as the women in your glances) as you reference your glances as causing 'damage' or 'hurt'. God created the female to instinctively want to please her man's eyes, so your glances are communicating to your wife that the other woman pleases your eyes more than she does.

Many wives are like yours, and many are not quite as sensitive; you are very correct in your efforts to love your wife and minister to this feeling/sensitivity of hers.

By taking the step to acknowledge your instinctive behavior is hurting your wife and wanting to change it, you are protecting your wife's love for you.

There are some great suggestions on this thread as to methods, but ultimately you just need to stop it cold. Develop a pattern (which then becomes a habit) of glancing away when you look at a woman's face, and eventually that will become an instinctive pattern instead of glancing down.

Your instincts were telling you all of this, but sometimes developing instincts into thoughts with words helps you to see a clearer solution.

Also, to enhance your wife's confidence in your love and attraction for her, I strongly recommend purposeful dating every week. Long, meaningful dates where your attention towards each other is undivided. This is more information than you asked for, but here is a link which explains the mechanics behind a woman being so in love with her husband that she wants frequent physical connections. A woman receiving this level of investment by her husband will feel more confident of your attraction to her and would be less likely to be hurt by this instinct. (However, changing your instinctive behavior pattern, as you are doing, is also important because your instinctive glances are still lovebusters to her.)
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/th...can-a-husband-receive-the-sex-he-needs-in.htm

May God bless you as you fight the good fight! I really enjoyed reading about the love for your wife that was coming through your posts.

Dear brother, I hope my reply did not number in those that offended you. In no way did I intend to insinuate you did not love your wife or not find her beautiful, or were lusting or sinning. If that was felt in my message then please accept my apologies.

I read your problem as a strong desire to change an unintentional behavioral instinct in order to avoid hurting a wife you loved. This is very admirable, and also a correct approach because you can change your behavior way easier than she can change her feelings.

No, I haven't shared that with her. There are a lot of replies in this thread about loving my wife and finding her beautiful that I find offensive and so I've backed away from the thread (you are not included in this).

Yes, this forum is not the best place to seek help in this area because there are a lot of hard line pile-on-ers. I haunt the marriage problem posts because of this in hopes to minister to those who are hurting and just getting shellacked by this community while in their pain.

A lot of misinformation and assumptions that I'm lusting after other women as well. I thought I couldn't be more clear that I'm speaking of the natural tendency of a man to look at women.

I thought you were clear. I felt your concern came from a tender heart and showed immense care and love for your wife.

I love my wife more than anything and I tell her all the time how she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me, as well as other private things when we're intimate. So what I'm leading up to is a broader answer to your question.

Yes, that came through clearly in your OP, prompting me to write:

May God bless you as you fight the good fight! I really enjoyed reading about the love for your wife that was coming through your posts.

While I have not shared with her that I'm upset by this and worried that I've hurt her, I do make sure she knows just how pretty she is and how much I love her. I couldn't be more clear that she's the only woman for me and I think she knows this, but just as it's natural for a man to notice women, it's natural for a woman to be hurt or jealous by it.

I agree with your instincts on this. After you develop a new instinctive pattern of glancing away after glancing at another woman's face, her recollections of any unintentional hurt will fade and be forgotten. You can purposefully practice this on ALL the women you see so it will be instinctive for women of all levels of appeal after a while. Working on it quietly will be a better route than embellishing and expounding upon a habit you are trying to change until a molehill is built into a mountain.

I'm sorry you were discouraged in seeking help here. I wish the pile-on-ers would see a different way to correspond.

A lot less of:
Rom 2:1 Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

And a lot more of:
Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

PS: I'm not implying you were "overtaken"; that would be quite an exaggeration in your case.

 

[Endeavourer]

I find that it’s older men and men in more rural areas that seem to still be unable to control themselves.

How many men in more rural areas to you have a relationship with close enough to know this to be a fact?

I have no sympathy since most guys I know have figured it out and are respectful. If you see women as equals and complete human beings and not primarily as sex objects, you look at her face not her other parts.

Well here ^^ we have Exhibit A on this:

I'm sorry you were discouraged in seeking help here. I wish the pile-on-ers would see a different way to correspond.

A lot less of:
Rom 2:1 Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

And a lot more of:
Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

PS: I'm not implying you were "overtaken"; that would be quite an exaggeration in your case.

 

[A Realist]

Phase 1 is noticing women.....

"Phase 1" is not a sin. Noticing a woman and leering at or lusting after a woman are two entirely different things.

 

[Endeavourer]

"Phase 1" is not a sin. Noticing a woman and leering/lusting after a woman are two entirely different things.

But we would all agree that the OP in no way was leering or lusting, correct?

He was simply seeking tips on ways to change an instinctive pattern of a physical reaction - an eye movement response.