Lack of Singles Ministry

[NotUrAvgGuy]

In my brief research, I've found two primary approaches churches take to singles. One approach is to provide some kind of singles ministry (might be called college and career) up until around 26 yrs old. Some might have some ongoing singles potlucks or other events, but after that age it is expected you will join the normal adult ministries like the men's group, the women's group, small groups, etc. There is no longer anything singles oriented offered. The other approach is to not provide any singles ministry.

Biblically it is expected most of us will marry save a tiny percentage who are gifted or called to remain single to devote themselves to full-time ministry. In that case, post-high school singleness can be viewed as a temporary transitional state on the way to marriage. As such some churches may not see a reason to have a singles ministry. However, statistically, singles are the fastest growing population in the church. Marriage is down, divorce is up, and more and more singles are marrying at older ages than in the past. Singles are no longer just young pre-marrieds or those who lost spouses. You can argue that putting off marriage is not what God intended, but the fact remains that more and more Christians are doing it. The assumption that all but a tiny percentage called to full-time ministry will marry, is no longer true. It begs the question then, how should the church respond?

I suspect some churches respond by promoting marriage and family and not call attention to ongoing singleness by having a singles ministry. They want young singles to see marriage and family as their only option going forward. Promote it as the norm and provide no other options. Focus the men's and women's ministries on marriage and parenting and let the singles realize that apart from marriage their social and fellowship options will dwindle. I see this in my own church. Looking at the mission statement for the men's and women's ministries, and they are largely oriented around marriage and parenting. A single man or woman would likely feel a bit out of place unable to relate. Life as a single is understandably different than life as a married, especially with children.

The vast majority of church staff are married including many youth leaders and singles leaders. Statistically, most of those marry relatively young and don't spend many post-high school years single. Most churches offer all kinds of family-oriented ministries and fellowship opportunities but provide very little for singles. This can leave singles feeling left out like they have a disease curable only by marriage. Some feel judged for not having married. Ministry opportunities are more limited for divorced singles. While many churches have divorce care classes they don't provide anything beyond those classes.

From my research, the number one thing singles want is to feel valued and respected. I fear sometimes in our zeal to promote and support marriage, we unintentionally cause singles to feel less valued and on the outside looking in. So much of church ministry, sermon content, and sermon application is targeted at marriage and family that singles can feel like outcasts. This can not only leave single Christians feeling left out but could hurt the church's ability to attract non-Christian singles who visit and see that everything is oriented around families.

I'm curious to hear other single Christian's experiences, especially older singles. Also, how your church approaches singles. I'm not advocating for a specific approach but curious to hear other's stories.

 

[Servant68]

Pretty sure I started a thread identical to this one a year or so ago with the exact same sentiments.

Having just turned 50 in December and being divorced for over 5 years, I feel like an outcast and an alien in every church I've visited in this area.

Due to my work schedule, I had to stop attending regular services a couple of years ago and started attending home Bible studies. The three I tried out were all comprised of either young married couples, retired couples, or young single college aged people.

I simply did not fit in anywhere.

Now, I'm pretty sure that God loves me and accepts me, even if I'm divorced and the church has chosen to ignore me.

I would love to be able to have time and the schedule to try and develop a ministry for older singles, but the churches around here don't even have mid-week services or Sunday night services, so I don't see them being open to starting an adult singles group.

 

[Richard T]

The only real singles ministries I have seen that minister to all ages are usually some of the mega-churches. What I typically see for most areas is a city-wide, regional organization singles only group. One could start that on their own, or even better have multiple churches on board to funnel singles into the group.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Pretty sure I started a thread identical to this one a year or so ago with the exact same sentiments.

Having just turned 50 in December and being divorced for over 5 years, I feel like an outcast and an alien in every church I've visited in this area.

Due to my work schedule, I had to stop attending regular services a couple of years ago and started attending home Bible studies. The three I tried out were all comprised of either young married couples, retired couples, or young single college aged people.

I simply did not fit in anywhere.

Now, I'm pretty sure that God loves me and accepts me, even if I'm divorced and the church has chosen to ignore me.

I would love to be able to have time and the schedule to try and develop a ministry for older singles, but the churches around here don't even have mid-week services or Sunday night services, so I don't see them being open to starting an adult singles group.

I don't know the answer, but I think we must find the answer for ourselves. I don't think the church knows what to do with us. I think we will have to fend for ourselves perhaps even outside our churches through home Bible studies not affiliated with a particular church. I still think some churches fear supporting older singles as though that will legitimatize singleness as an acceptable station in life when all their beliefs tell them we should be married.

I know churches want to be all things to all members but perhaps we should not expect so much of them. I'm sure the early church did not have a plethora of age and life vocation oriented fellowship groups like the modern church does. By choosing particular types of people to orient a group around the church is unavoidably bypassing some types which in turn can make them feel left out. I no longer look to my church to provide my fellowship. I attend to that on my own.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The only real singles ministries I have seen that minister to all ages are usually some of the mega-churches. What I typically see for most areas is a city-wide, regional organization singles only group. One could start that on their own, or even better have multiple churches on board to funnel singles into the group.

I am thinking ANY singles group that is formed, typically has a short life span usually due to:

1. So many people couple up, and never come back to the group.
2. Couple up...break up a few months down the road, then come back.
3. The remaining unattached people don't care for the selection in the group, so they wind up not coming back.

On #3, they typically find other means like online dating or just out and about in public. Of course, their future partners may be mediocre church-goers, but....they could probably care less about their church attendance.

I would find this most especially true of middle-aged/older singles.

 

[Trey Veston]

Another single dude here ostracized by the church for following Paul's example, lol.

Church announced a men's retreat next month and I was really looking forward to being able to get out in the woods and bond with some of the men from my church.

I had been to a few men's retreats over the years and found them to be fun and spiritually uplifting with archery and target shooting, great speakers with focused talks on subjects like how to reconcile our masculinity with the humbleness of Christ, resisting temptation, etc.

The flier came out today and looking over it, I was deeply disappointed. Cost was $100, which is average. But then I started reading the itinerary. Every single sermon and "workshop" was on marriage and how to be a better husband and father.

Seriously.

The activities were all a scam. "Blessing the camp by rebuilding a foot bridge", "Repainting the ladies bunk house"...

Seriously? You want me to pay $100 to spend my weekend being told that I'm not important to the church because I'm single, and then want me to do manual labor?

Pass...

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Another single dude here ostracized by the church for following Paul's example, lol.

Church announced a men's retreat next month and I was really looking forward to being able to get out in the woods and bond with some of the men from my church.

I had been to a few men's retreats over the years and found them to be fun and spiritually uplifting with archery and target shooting, great speakers with focused talks on subjects like how to reconcile our masculinity with the humbleness of Christ, resisting temptation, etc.

The flier came out today and looking over it, I was deeply disappointed. Cost was $100, which is average. But then I started reading the itinerary. Every single sermon and "workshop" was on marriage and how to be a better husband and father.

Seriously.

The activities were all a scam. "Blessing the camp by rebuilding a foot bridge", "Repainting the ladies bunk house"...

Seriously? You want me to pay $100 to spend my weekend being told that I'm not important to the church because I'm single, and then want me to do manual labor?

Pass...

That doesn't seem appropriate to me to focus so much on marriage at a men's retreat. If they want to offer a weekend focused on marriage, advertise it as such and don't make it the annual men's retreat. Marriage is an important topic to *married men*, but not all men in the church are married. That choice just further isolates single men instead of making them feel valued and welcomed. The working assumption is that all men passed a certain age are married.

I am different though in that I wouldn't even go to a men's retreat no matter the subject. I don't like groups or single sex events. Now if my church wanted to have a theology weekend with different speakers and you can pick and choose what you want to attend, that would interest me. Just don't try and force social events on me. I prefer my socializing one on one.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

That doesn't seem appropriate to me to focus so much on marriage at a men's retreat. If they want to offer a weekend focused on marriage, advertise it as such and don't make it the annual men's retreat. Marriage is an important topic to *married men*, but not all men in the church are married. That choice just further isolates single men instead of making them feel valued and welcomed. The working assumption is that all men passed a certain age are married.

I am different though in that I wouldn't even go to a men's retreat no matter the subject. I don't like groups or single sex events. Now if my church wanted to have a theology weekend with different speakers and you can pick and choose what you want to attend, that would interest me. Just don't try and force social events on me. I prefer my socializing one on one.

Yeah, I never got the whole "Men only/women only" groups in church.

 

[seekingmuch]

Pretty sure I started a thread identical to this one a year or so ago with the exact same sentiments.

Having just turned 50 in December and being divorced for over 5 years, I feel like an outcast and an alien in every church I've visited in this area.

Due to my work schedule, I had to stop attending regular services a couple of years ago and started attending home Bible studies. The three I tried out were all comprised of either young married couples, retired couples, or young single college aged people.

I simply did not fit in anywhere.

Now, I'm pretty sure that God loves me and accepts me, even if I'm divorced and the church has chosen to ignore me.

I would love to be able to have time and the schedule to try and develop a ministry for older singles, but the churches around here don't even have mid-week services or Sunday night services, so I don't see them being open to starting an adult singles group.

Most of the churches in my area are the same, and they've eliminated the Sunday night and mid-week services. It's Sunday morning or not at all. I'm Catholic and they have Connect Groups and pretty much all of it is married people.

 

[AdoptedPrince]

Excellent post (as well as the replies).

I don't think the reason older singles are ignored is because of the people who postpone marriage, however. I think it is much more likely that churches don't know what to do with divorced people. Much of the Bible-believing church has been taught that remarriage after divorce is adultery in almost every instance (some would say in ANY instance). Thus, if a church makes a big effort to help singles find one another, it is - from that perspective - very likely making a big effort to help Christians commit adultery. So they will do things like offer a DivorceCare group...because DivorceCare strongly suggests that members not get into romantic relationships with one another.

I understand the perspective and I'm sympathetic to and respect their desire to do the right thing. But I don't think the position holds up under scrutiny, so it's frustrating to be treated - and to see others treated - like the family embarrassment that no one wants to talk about.

The church is utterly failing divorced members of the Body of Christ.

 

[AdoptedPrince]

Every single sermon and "workshop" was on marriage and how to be a better husband and father.

Yeah, I've seen the same sort of thing when the men's group wants to study some book on what it means to be a godly man. Sure, a single guy can benefit from knowing what it takes to be a godly husband, but his more immediate need is to know what it takes to be a godly single guy.

 

[Chips]

I've heard singleness referred to repeatedly by pastors as a "time of waiting"... And that "of course all of you want to find someone eventually" And that preaching a message for singles would be for only 1 or 2 people in the church so it's not going to happen. I don't think the church really believes that it's acceptable for some people to remain single for life even though they'll happily quote Paul and say that it's better to be single. And then in the next breath assume that everyone is going to get married.

 

[seekingmuch]

I've heard singleness referred to repeatedly by pastors as a "time of waiting"... And that "of course all of you want to find someone eventually" And that preaching a message for singles would be for only 1 or 2 people in the church so it's not going to happen. I don't think the church really believes that it's acceptable for some people to remain single for life even though they'll happily quote Paul and say that it's better to be single. And then in the next breath assume that everyone is going to get married.

The church has simply made Marriage an Idol......that they worship.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

The church has simply made Marriage an Idol......that they worship.

I agree! By making it an idol they are treating 20-30% of the church as pagans who have not partaken of the sacred ritual or have abandoned it. I suspect my pastor and most of the staff married at early ages. They have no idea what it's like to be an older single. Even the young adult's leader is married. They probably wouldn't even consider having a single leader of that ministry. They want to model marriage as the future state of all Christians.

I see the value in marriage and have been married although a mistake for me. We live in a fallen world with broken people. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. I never enjoyed having roommates. I need space and quiet. For me, marriage is suffocating. I don't want to be around anyone that much. I can love them dearly and enjoy their company, but not 24x7 and not living under the same roof. I prefer to live alone. Separate bedrooms or lots of space within the house is not enough. I don't mind sharing a bed/bedroom. It's just having someone else under the same roof that much. Marriage was miserable for me. It's not why I ended up divorced but it was something I never got comfortable with.

I know sin made me this way. Not my sin but sin. I know God can change me and I've prayed for that but it hasn't happened yet and now it's not a very sincere prayer as I am comfortable like this and don't see it as a sin. I feel like an outcast though...

 

[seekingmuch]

I agree! By making it an idol they are treating 20-30% of the church as pagans who have not partaken of the sacred ritual or have abandoned it. I suspect my pastor and most of the staff married at early ages. They have no idea what it's like to be an older single. Even the young adult's leader is married. They probably wouldn't even consider having a single leader of that ministry. They want to model marriage as the future state of all Christians.

I see the value in marriage and have been married although a mistake for me. We live in a fallen world with broken people. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. I never enjoyed having roommates. I need space and quiet. For me, marriage is suffocating. I don't want to be around anyone that much. I can love them dearly and enjoy their company, but not 24x7 and not living under the same roof. I prefer to live alone. Separate bedrooms or lots of space within the house is not enough. I don't mind sharing a bed/bedroom. It's just having someone else under the same roof that much. Marriage was miserable for me. It's not why I ended up divorced but it was something I never got comfortable with.

I know sin made me this way. Not my sin but sin. I know God can change me and I've prayed for that but it hasn't happened yet and now it's not a very sincere prayer as I am comfortable like this and don't see it as a sin. I feel like an outcast though...

It's kinda funny, but Jesus was single. Paul, who wrote most of the NT, was single. Most of the disciples were single.

I have a girlfriend, but she's great. If we get married one day, we'll probably live in different houses. She was burned by divorce like you. We are both outcasts like you. Welcome to the circle.

Actually, according to the study, 50-55% of Christians are single. Most don't go to church, however, because they've figured out they aren't welcome, and, many like me, are sick of hearing the marriage crapola 24/7.

How many miracles do you see happen in the American church? It's rare.

But, from my understanding, in Asian churches and South American churches, miracles happen all the time.

I think the American Church is dead as a door nail. Most are clubs for cliques and they don't want anyone in but Yuppies and professionals that are married. I went to a Baptist church for years and saw professionals welcomed with open arms, married or single, while anyone else was shunned.

One single lady wrote about her ex-church on a singles not welcome in the church article: "Church is for the beautiful people that happen to be married and/or professionals. Anyone else need not apply, especially this ugly, fat woman."

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

This is a little off-topic, but I struggle with the family concept of church. I see it in the NT so no argument there but I don't experience it very much. In our latest sermon, our pastor was preaching on the last part of James and how we are to help rescue each other from sin. He talked about the importance of being a family and why the church has communication cards and how they will send you a letter in the mail if they don't get a card from you over a few weeks (not because they question your reasons for not being there but just to show they care and want to be there if you need help). Some churches really emphasize involvement beyond Sunday morning be it through small groups, ministries, etc. If you are not around the family, the family can't take note of your needs nor benefit from your gifts.

I get that and it's all very biblical, but for many of us, family has not always been the most positive group of people in our lives. Yes, the church should be different, but we are still sinners and broken people and the church family can be full of judgmental people, cliques, and so on. If you don't fit the profile of the core of your church, the experience is not always that good. I have a brother who went to seminary, and he harps on how important accountability is and thinks smallish churches are best suited to that. He is big on church discipline and expecting people to be very involved in the life of the church. Unfortunately, he is one that likes to look for issues in people's lives to then go confront them. It's not "if you see your brother in sin...", it's "go spy on your brother until you find the sin (real or imagined)..." Naturally his life is free from sin, but I digress

I have Christian friends that go to other churches and don't seek all my fellowship and learning from church. I minister to a lot of non-Christians. My life does not revolve around my church. I'd like to say it revolves around Christ but I won't give myself that much credit. I know as an older single I will never quite fit in at church. Worse, I am divorced so my qualifications for any type of leadership roles is tainted. I wish churches would be more open to all kinds of believers and not just those who fit a narrow profile but this side of heaven we are all still tainted by sin so the church is that imperfect family. We try out best to make it work, but at times see solace outside the family.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Another way to describe this, is that the church has become binary in it's thinking. You are categorized as either single or married. If single, then you are either single waiting to get married (an acceptable state if it does not persist too long), lost a spouse (if young you should remarry otherwise ok to remain single), divorced (tainted), or you have never married (tainted). We acknowledge there is some tiny percentage of Christians called to remain single to devote their lives to ministry but usually, we don't personally know any such persons.

Yet Jesus gave 3 reasons people might be single: some are "born that way" which could mean a physical condition or have some genetic situation that makes it unlikely they will ever marry, "some were made that way by men" which could mean a enuch, or anyone forced into remaining single which might even include a daughter who feels obligated to stay single to take care of an ill parent, and those who "have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven" which is the case we normally think of. We don't give much thought to the first two reasons. We think the first case only means people with birth defects or some disability, and in the second case we no longer have enuchs so that reason no longer applies. So, we conclude, unless you were born with a disability or have devoted your life to ministry, then you are called to marriage and would be going against the will of God to remain single. How does any of us know, however, what God has in store for us and why we might not be married even if we aren't off serving God in some all-consuming ministry?

John Stott, the famous English preacher and writer, remained single for life. In his article on remaining single, he gave this advice to young Christians:

"First, don't be in too great a hurry to get married. We human beings do not reach maturity until we are about 25. To marry before this runs the risk of finding yourself at twenty-five married to somebody who was a very different person at the age of twenty. So be patient. Pray daily that God will guide you to your life partner or show you if he wants you to remain single. Second, lead a normal social life. Develop many friendships. Third, if God calls you to singleness, don't fight it. Remember the key text: "Each person has his or her own gift of God's grace" (1 Cor. 7:7)."

He also encouraged friendship with both sexes. I've run into Christian teachers who promote early marriage and only same-sex friendships. I found it of interest that he also wrote:

"God created us as social beings. Love is the greatest thing in the world. For God is love, and when he made us in his own image, he gave us the capacity to love and to be loved. So we need each other. Yet marriage and family are not the only antidotes to loneliness."

He related that in his own life he came close to marriage twice but both times did not feel the Lord's assurance so he backed off. It was only toward the end of his life that he looked back and realized that had he married he could never have traveled and written as much as he did, yet back in his 20's he would not have said he was called to singleness. In some Christian circles, he would have been criticized for breaking off potential marriage to a couple of godly young ladies. It is often only after the consideration of a lifetime spent that we can see the plans and purposes of God in our life. To expect someone to decide in their 20's whether or not they have the "gift of singleness" and then pursue marriage if they can't conclude they have that calling, is to put undue pressure on someone to conform to our binary thinking about marriage and singleness. We should instead accept whatever state our brothers and sisters are in and not seek to conform them to our assumptions on where their life should be at.

 

[timewerx]

Why churches cater to married members:

- Married members don't move around a lot, they tend to be settled and will stay very long in a church.
- Their kids could one day become tithe-giving members.
- They always come in two with twice the number of relatives and friends they can invite to church, good for attendance and tithes!
- Married people will attract other married people, chain-reaction effect, great for adding members and tithes!

The bad thing about singles in a church:

- The opposite of all the above reasons for married members!
- Church senior staff or leaders are mostly married so they won't be as warm and friendly to their single members as they do with their married members.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Why churches cater to married members:

- Married members don't move around a lot, they tend to be settled and will stay very long in a church.
- Their kids could one day become tithe-giving members.
- They always come in two with twice the number of relatives and friends they can invite to church, good for attendance and tithes!
- Married people will attract other married people, chain-reaction effect, great for adding members and tithes!

The bad thing about singles in a church:

- The opposite of all the above reasons for married members!
- Church senior staff or leaders are mostly married so they won't be as warm and friendly to their single members as they do with their married members.

The young adults ministry at my church is led by a married couple. Probably young but still married. I wonder if they would have seriously considered a single to head up the ministry? I don't know the answer, but I'm guessing they see these advantages in having a married couple head it up:

• Since they are married, there is no issue with them dating within the group and the weird dynamic that might setup.
• They can model marriage to these singles.
• They've gone through the process of finding a mate and getting married so can offer advice and understanding to those in that situation.

All very understandable. I believe though there are advantages to putting a single person in charge:

• It demonstrates that being married is not a prerequisite to ministry.
• The ministry is led by someone who *is* single and is going through all the same things the others singles are. Over time, the world of singles changes, so someone in it now will understand it better than someone who *was* in it at some past time.
• If you are looking for candidates coming from seminaries or Bible colleges, probably most graduates are married. As an aside, makes me wonder if there is a lot of pressure to get married while attending seminary or Bible college? Do students at those institutions see being married as a prerequisite to getting jobs after graduation? It's true you don't see many singles in staff positions are churches.

 

[seekingmuch]

Why churches cater to married members:

- Married members don't move around a lot, they tend to be settled and will stay very long in a church.
- Their kids could one day become tithe-giving members.
- They always come in two with twice the number of relatives and friends they can invite to church, good for attendance and tithes!
- Married people will attract other married people, chain-reaction effect, great for adding members and tithes!

The bad thing about singles in a church:

- The opposite of all the above reasons for married members!
- Church senior staff or leaders are mostly married so they won't be as warm and friendly to their single members as they do with their married members.

If the church is just motivated by making money, they are doing it all wrong.

It's also faulty because a dedicated 10-15% of any given church pays 95% of the bills. I bet half the people that go to church think giving a buck is being generous during the offering. I don't know the stats, but I'll bet a good 50-60% that attend give a few bucks here and there, or more than likely nothing at all.

The Catholic Church I went to said their revenue came from 8.9% of the membership or 9.8% of the membership. I forget which. But, that is really low. That meant 90%+ gave nothing at all.

I donated my time to make up for me not tithing since I don't make much. I fell on hard times so I didn't tithe much in the last 10+ years. But, before that, I tithed 10% for 15 years.

Just because you have a big crowd doesn't mean the church is getting tons of donations.

Churches need to speak to everyone's needs, single and married, on an equal footing. The reason singles have quit going is because they are finding their needs met elsewhere and there is only so many hours in week.