ok, thank you. I feel like I missed my door. like God was calling me to do something, and I allowed fear to keep me from doing it, and I sinned gravely against my conscience several times. now I am in a spot where I want to repent, but in order to do that, I might have to do what I was asked to do, and the doors seem closed to being able to do it. now if I do it, it will cause strife in the home, and it might be done out of more of a motive of getting right with God, instead of a motive of loving God and getting closer to Him, and reading the book and allowing God to break me down and do a miracle in my life and in the life of those around me. So I have postponed it, and I heard a few sermons that say that delayed obedience is disobedience. but I don't know how to get right with God. I chose to believe a lie of the enemy, which said that I pretty much had no fellowship with Christ till I did the fast, but I know that is not true, so I scared myself in the fact that I believed it in my heart, that in order to get right with Christ, I had to do, do, do, and God requires me to simply believe to be right, and then follow to stay right, because it is He who works in me to will and to do to His good pleasure. so I feel like the rich man, who believed he had to give money to get to heaven, though I know the truth is that there is nothing I can do to earn a place with Christ. it is all a gift of God