Do you think that using pornography is equal to cheating?

[Deidre32]

I post on a marriage forum, and one of the questions recently came up about porn use. Mainly these threads are geared towards men viewing porn, but there are a lot of women who view porn, also. I personally wouldn't view it as cheating, unless...there were live interactions, and/or a personal relationship ensued from interaction through webcam porn, or something. That said, I don't believe that this is something that ''all'' men struggle with, but our society would make it sound like women should just accept men doing this, and get over it. lol Really demeans men, doesn't it?

But, back to what I was saying, there are women who view porn...and so my question is to the men here...if your wife was privately viewing porn, and leaving you out of it, and ''taking care of herself'' without you around...would you view it as cheating? Would it bother you?

 

[Ken Rank]

I post on a marriage forum, and one of the questions recently came up about porn use. Mainly these threads are geared towards men viewing porn, but there are a lot of women who view porn, also. I personally wouldn't view it as cheating, unless...there were live interactions, and/or a personal relationship ensued from interaction through webcam porn, or something. That said, I don't believe that this is something that ''all'' men struggle with, but our society would make it sound like women should just accept men doing this, and get over it. lol Really demeans men, doesn't it?

But, back to what I was saying, there are women who view porn...and so my question is to the men here...if your wife was privately viewing porn, and leaving you out of it, and ''taking care of herself'' without you around...would you view it as cheating? Would it bother you?

As a man my answer to the subject heading question is yes. Here is why.... Jesus said that it isn't just the physical act of adultery that is a sin, but once you have lusted in your heart for another, you've already committed adultery. So the sin begins in the heart... and in the case of porn (speaking about married men) they are lusting and usually gratifying themselves physically over a woman who is not his wife. While he might not physically do the deed with that woman, in his heart he has. That is a sin.

 

[sfs]

No.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Only if she viewed it that way.

 

[SkyWriting]

That said, I don't believe that this is something that ''all'' men struggle with, but our society would make it sound like women should just accept men doing this, and get over it. lol Really demeans men, doesn't it?

No. It doesn't.
I dreamed that I had a wet dream the other day. That would be sex, not with my wife. That I did, does not demean me.

Porn is not nearly so vivid. And I don't see how it being involuntary puts it clearly in the OK catagory.

 

[Bumble Bee]

I am not a man, but I view porn as cheating. Sex should be exclusively between man and wife. There is no reason to view it between another couple or to satisfy sexual urges independently of each other.

 

[Deidre32]

As a man my answer to the subject heading question is yes. Here is why.... Jesus said that it isn't just the physical act of adultery that is a sin, but once you have lusted in your heart for another, you've already committed adultery. So the sin begins in the heart... and in the case of porn (speaking about married men) they are lusting and usually gratifying themselves physically over a woman who is not his wife. While he might not physically do the deed with that woman, in his heart he has. That is a sin.

That's a very helpful answer, thank you.

 

[Deidre32]

No. It doesn't.
I dreamed that I had a wet dream the other day. That would be sex, not with my wife. That I did, does not demean me.

Porn is not nearly so vivid. And I don't see how it being involuntary puts it clearly in the OK catagory.

We can't help our dreams.

I'm not asking about you. I'm asking if it would bother you if your wife/partner viewed porn, without you around, and gratified herself? This has nothing to with dreaming.

 

[JIMINZ]

Only if she viewed it that way.

.
If she became aroused and had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], then she has mentally, emotionally had sex with another man, even if that man was on a screen, and the film was made 10 yrs ago.......That is what porn is all about.

Oh it's called LUST.

And yes as a man it would bother me, for exactly the same reasons it would bother my wife if I did the same, it should, otherwise there is no need to be married, that is why we have marriage.

 

[Ana the Ist]

.
If she became aroused and had an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], then she has mentally, emotionally had sex with another man, even if that man was on a screen, and the film was made 10 yrs ago.......That is what porn is all about.

lol I think I'm gonna have to disagree with the emotional/mental sex part.

Oh it's called LUST.

It's called porn.

And yes as a man it would bother me, for exactly the same reasons it would bother my wife if I did the same, it should, otherwise there is no need to be married, that is why we have marriage.

I think there's a lot more to marriage than sex.

 

[AvilaSurfer]

No, it’s worse.

 

[Deidre32]

No, it’s worse.

Why do you think so?

 

[RDKirk]

And I don't see how it being involuntary puts it clearly in the OK catagory.

It puts it into the "not a volitional act" category.

Say, you're sitting in your car at a red light and your brakes suddenly failed, allowing the car to jolt out and kill a child in the cross walk.

Is a dead child "OK?" Certainly not. But the incident is not your fault.

 

[JIMINZ]

lol I think I'm gonna have to disagree with the emotional/mental sex part.



It's called porn.



I think there's a lot more to marriage than sex.

.
A person, man or woman is aroused by what they see, there isn't any physical contact between the viewer and the one being viewed, the arousal occurs in the brain, and emotions, not by touch, then the physical touching of THEMSELVES brings the Big Bang.

It is this mental, and emotional aspect of Porn which makes it lust, and which does not happen in the natural relationship with the spouse, it's titillating, it's tantalizing, it's forbidden these are the things which draw people to Porn.

Which is what makes it LUST.

But we aren't talking about the other things, the subject is virtual sex with multiple partners.

What they are watching is called porn, but what draws them to the screen is pure unadulterated Lust.

 

[DZoolander]

I post on a marriage forum, and one of the questions recently came up about porn use. Mainly these threads are geared towards men viewing porn, but there are a lot of women who view porn, also. I personally wouldn't view it as cheating, unless...there were live interactions, and/or a personal relationship ensued from interaction through webcam porn, or something. That said, I don't believe that this is something that ''all'' men struggle with, but our society would make it sound like women should just accept men doing this, and get over it. lol Really demeans men, doesn't it?

But, back to what I was saying, there are women who view porn...and so my question is to the men here...if your wife was privately viewing porn, and leaving you out of it, and ''taking care of herself'' without you around...would you view it as cheating? Would it bother you?

I've always believed that what constitutes "cheating" varies from relationship to relationship based upon the expectations of each partner.

If you've got a partner that's so neurotic that they think merely hugging someone else is cheating - within the context of that relationship it *is* cheating. So long as they made their feelings known ahead of time - that becomes the line. Nobody put a gun to your head and told you to follow through and marry them. If you made that choice - then you choose the limits that come with that individual. It's your job as a spouse to make your partner feel as secure as possible - and if they're that insecure - then you need to adjust your behaviors for that.

On the flip side of the equation is if you have a partner that's cool with you doing anything you want - nothing is cheating. Carrying on with other people may be sketchy - but it's not "cheating". To cheat is to act outside the boundaries of what's expected of you. If nothing is expected of you - then nothing is "cheating".

So, I think the answer to your question is "it depends on who you talk to. For some people porn may be cheating, for others it may not."

 

[JIMINZ]

I've always believed that what constitutes "cheating" varies from relationship to relationship based upon the expectations of each partner.

If you've got a partner that's so neurotic that they think merely hugging someone else is cheating - within the context of that relationship it *is* cheating. So long as they made their feelings known ahead of time - that becomes the line. Nobody put a gun to your head and told you to follow through and marry them. If you made that choice - then you choose the limits that come with that individual. It's your job as a spouse to make your partner feel as secure as possible - and if they're that insecure - then you need to adjust your behaviors for that.

On the flip side of the equation is if you have a partner that's cool with you doing anything you want - nothing is cheating. Carrying on with other people may be sketchy - but it's not "cheating". To cheat is to act outside the boundaries of what's expected of you. If nothing is expected of you - then nothing is "cheating".

So, I think the answer to your question is "it depends on who you talk to. For some people porn may be cheating, for others it may not."

But the bigger question is, who sets the standard, God or Man?

What man calls, cool and accepted in society, God calls Abomination.

 

[DZoolander]

Fair enough - but the question wasn’t what’s “right” - the question was is it “cheating”.

 

[JIMINZ]

Fair enough - but the question wasn’t what’s “right” - the question was is it “cheating”.

.
Still holds true, even if my wife and I were "Swingers" God would judge our behavior as sin.

Soooooo yes it's cheating.

 

[Jon Osterman]

As a man my answer to the subject heading question is yes. Here is why.... Jesus said that it isn't just the physical act of adultery that is a sin, but once you have lusted in your heart for another, you've already committed adultery. So the sin begins in the heart... and in the case of porn (speaking about married men) they are lusting and usually gratifying themselves physically over a woman who is not his wife. While he might not physically do the deed with that woman, in his heart he has. That is a sin.

I think that is misleading. The passage you mention (Matthew 5:27-28) is just a restatement of the 10th comandment, that you should not covet your neighbour's wife. In fact the Greek word tanslated as "lust" here is often equated with the Hebrew word used for "covet" in the 10th commandmend. So this is not a new idea. And we are told not to covet another man's wife because she is his possession. In other words we are not to seek after something that belongs to someone else. Modern marriages are not of this form - my wife is not my possession - but even if they were, seeking to steal someone's wife is very different from sexual attraction to a woman you see either in real life or on a screen. (Note that I am not saying lust is not a sin - I think it is - but that this verse is not quite what it is commonly interpreted to be.)

To answer the OP though, yes, I would be upset with my wife if she was doing what you describe, but I wouldn't regard it as cheating.

 

[DZoolander]

.
Still holds true, even if my wife and I were "Swingers" God would judge our behavior as sin.

Soooooo yes it's cheating.

Meh - you're basically then arguing that "cheating" isn't so much an act against the will and expectations of your partner - but rather then an act against the will and expectations of God.

I understand why you're trying to do that - because you hope then that you can catch the porn stuff into the "cheating" bucket and make it a universal truth - but I think that's a mistake, short sighted and a bad idea.

Why?

Because then you open the door to discussions about what is God's standard of "cheating" on the individual relationship level irrespective of what each party may feel - and as a tool to disregard their feelings. Let's say you do have a partner that is really insecure and feels that hugging someone else is cheating. Wouldn't the spouse then argue 'God doesn't believe that - and it's God's expectations that matter - not yours"? How do you account then for people that need extra reassurance without the "God expectation" being turned into some curmudgeon against them?

I'm perfectly happy leaving them as distinct and separate things. "Cheating" is an act outside of the boundaries of your partner - so it covers everyone and their unique needs. It, however, has no bearing upon right and wrong. While your partner might not expect you to be monogamous, God does. So while not cheating, it's still wrong.