- May 6, 2018
- 9
- 4
- 44
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
If there was ever a time in my life I wish I could go back and have a do over it would be right now. I am literally in the worst pain, hurt, anger, sorrow; I have ever been in my entire life. Here’s my story….
I work in a hospital and about 6 months ago another woman and I started talking. At first it was casual talk but you could tell in a very short time that it became flirty and we were both interested. We liked each other despite both being in a relationship. To fast forward a lot and save time, after a couple months it became physical for the next 4 months. We quickly became attached both physically to each other and emotionally.
First, I have been married almost 16 years. I have never cheated before. The wife and I struggled with communication, which unbeknownst to us until counseling, affected a whole heck of a lot, including intimacy. We had sex like once every 2-3 months for years. I felt like my life was passing me by and wished for a long time I had married someone else. I also enjoyed being away from her more than with her. The affair partner of mine was 6 years younger, I’m 39. She was in a long term relationship of 10 years and has been engaged for the past 6 years of that. Long story there but I’ll explain more later.
My wife and I met in church, both Christians, love God and at one point I worked in the church. Through all that we still didn’t realize the issues we had going on and how it affected us. And for myself, I let inappropriate contentography ravage my life for years and little did I realize, along with other circumstances, led me slowly down a dark path. Coupled with never really settling in a new church for years and the stresses of life and a 4 year old, I myself, grew farther from God, kept people at a distance, and held a lot inside. Sin and lies took over and my sexual addiction led me down a path I regret.
Looking back I can see how I slowly fell for her. She was in a bad spot with her fiancé who is one of the worst individuals I have ever heard of in my life. He is a mentally abusive, controlling and manipulative person. At one point she identified 58/62 traits an article talked about with people like that. I mean this guy made 70k a year to her 28k and makes her pay half of everything, tells her how to think, act, feel, etc. She has no say in anything. He takes half her school loans which encourages her debt. She had to file bankruptcy 2 years ago because of him, has no retirement, no savings at all, no credit, and if she can’t afford anything, even a gallon of milk, makes her put it on an IOU list that she recently paid him from her taxes of nearly 3k!. Stellar guy! And she pays him half her taxes as well! He also talks down to her, makes her feel inadequate and has issues with self-esteem despite her being absolutely physically gorgeous. He even talks down to her in front of her kids ages 15 and 6.
So bottom line is she and I promised the world to each other. We both fell hard for each other emotionally and especially physically. My wife and I became separated and both the affair partner and I nearly got separate apartments but both chickened out or hesitated due to fear. We had planned on getting apartments for a year before moving in together. Our relationship centered around the physical part as we never hung out to just hang out. There was always the physical involved. We talked a lot through texting and at work. We shared and said things that in my right mind would never have said. We were addicted to the high of what we shouldn’t of had.
The past few weeks we began to grow apart. It was obvious. I had a couple months before moving back in (major counseling and working things out) admitted to my wife the affair. The physical part slightly remained after that but the emotional side and “wanting” to be together was still there. But still, we were moving apart from each other. She became quieter about her situation at home and I with mine. We knew we were not going to work out, but it’s like two drug addicts addicted to each other and the high of the physical and emotional connection, that we wanted to keep going. Every other day was we were done but by the end of the day we weren’t. Back and forth we went.
Just this past week, more like a few days ago from writing this, we ended it. It was hard, tears flowed on both ends. We wondered if we could remain friends. We couldn’t. Then something happened a couple nights ago. I found out she blocked me on Facebook despite us not being friends. It was to make sure I couldn’t contact her. Any obvious thing would be to rejoice but my insides freaked out. I feel (yes current feelings) like I needed to be the one to have done that. It was like she got the final blow in. I wanted to drive to her house and let her have a piece of my mind. I didn’t. But still, inside the pit of my stomach was churning. The most God awful feeling in the world. We were supposed to be on equal grounds of having a hard time saying goodbye and she does that? I should have done that!
I will say that as God removes the scales from my eyes and I have turned to him this week with genuine sorrow and repentance. I am slowly beginning to see the situation for what it was. A relationship built on sand made and started out of lies, deceit, falsehood and ugly sin. I let the world creep in and skew my mind. My thinking and actions were unlike any I have experienced and done. I nearly walked out on my wife who despite me admitting to not only a physical relationship but now an emotional one this week (which was much worse than the physical to her) she has and is remaining by my side. She has spent weeks and months on her knees seeking God and praying for me and our son. She never gave up. Ever! Despite the hurt, lack of trust, etc. She never gave up and wont. She is going through me fighting the affair fog. Yes the deep feelings of loss that I shouldn’t have. She’s suffering through the hurt and watching me hurt because I miss someone! So stupid I have become and was!. I nearly tore my son’s life apart. He is adopted but I almost added the divorced part in as well. Imagine that, adopted and parents divorced!
The tears that have flowed out of her eyes and the pain and misery I brought her. I have literally cried my eyes out the past couple of days. Amazingly, and thank God for his mercy and grace, those tears are for my sin against God and my now true understanding of what He has done for me, but also for hurting my wife beyond anything and nearly ripping my son’s life apart. I nearly left for a woman who pursued me, a married man, months before I took notice. One who had a child at age 17, divorced a few years later after she married him, slept around before that marriage and after, been with abusive guys, been with one for ten years, separated from him for a few months 6 years ago, had a one night stand during that time and got pregnant from that resulting in her 2nd child. Not to mention the other things I said. What the heck! She’s not a Christian at all!
I am back officially with my wife, working through things, my wife who has spent hours crying/praying, taking on the financial aspects (good job thankfully) while I put my two weeks in from a good job with no job lined up so I can get away officially from the other woman. We are going through counseling as individuals and as a couple, we are in the past few weeks attending a church and plugging in. She has a few good friends who are Christians who have come along her. I have finally reached out to two old friends and asked to be accountability partners. I am amazed at the power of sin and how blinded one can become. I am amazed at how easily the lies flow and the depth one will go to fulfill and addiction and fantasy life.
It just sucks the fog is still there. I wish I had the last word. It feels unfinished to me because of that. The past day or so the anger is setting in. First, how could I do this to my family and God, second, how could I have let someone like that in my life? Someone who pursued me, a married man and walk away and not tell her significant other. Its in Gods hands now. So I have questions…
1. I feel like I needed the last word. That we were on equal grounds and sad to part and then she gets the last “block” in despite knowing we still work in the same place and may run into each other. Did she do it out of hurt on her end despite having feelings for me? Idk. I want so bad to tell her how I really feel and who I am. That I will never cross that line again and am sorry for hurting her and setting an example of how a guy should never treat a woman.
2. How long does this fog last? I recognize what it truly was and who she really was now but why do I still feel this way?
Final thought….If you are ever thinking of cheating……DON’T! The pain and hurt and emotions involved (unless you’re that callous) are nearly beyond what one can handle. I hurt deep inside. For God and family and myself. I nearly destroyed peoples lives. I hurt others. The web of lies and deceit and the length one will go to fulfill a fantasy/addiction are, just wow. NEVER EVER AGAIN!
I work in a hospital and about 6 months ago another woman and I started talking. At first it was casual talk but you could tell in a very short time that it became flirty and we were both interested. We liked each other despite both being in a relationship. To fast forward a lot and save time, after a couple months it became physical for the next 4 months. We quickly became attached both physically to each other and emotionally.
First, I have been married almost 16 years. I have never cheated before. The wife and I struggled with communication, which unbeknownst to us until counseling, affected a whole heck of a lot, including intimacy. We had sex like once every 2-3 months for years. I felt like my life was passing me by and wished for a long time I had married someone else. I also enjoyed being away from her more than with her. The affair partner of mine was 6 years younger, I’m 39. She was in a long term relationship of 10 years and has been engaged for the past 6 years of that. Long story there but I’ll explain more later.
My wife and I met in church, both Christians, love God and at one point I worked in the church. Through all that we still didn’t realize the issues we had going on and how it affected us. And for myself, I let inappropriate contentography ravage my life for years and little did I realize, along with other circumstances, led me slowly down a dark path. Coupled with never really settling in a new church for years and the stresses of life and a 4 year old, I myself, grew farther from God, kept people at a distance, and held a lot inside. Sin and lies took over and my sexual addiction led me down a path I regret.
Looking back I can see how I slowly fell for her. She was in a bad spot with her fiancé who is one of the worst individuals I have ever heard of in my life. He is a mentally abusive, controlling and manipulative person. At one point she identified 58/62 traits an article talked about with people like that. I mean this guy made 70k a year to her 28k and makes her pay half of everything, tells her how to think, act, feel, etc. She has no say in anything. He takes half her school loans which encourages her debt. She had to file bankruptcy 2 years ago because of him, has no retirement, no savings at all, no credit, and if she can’t afford anything, even a gallon of milk, makes her put it on an IOU list that she recently paid him from her taxes of nearly 3k!. Stellar guy! And she pays him half her taxes as well! He also talks down to her, makes her feel inadequate and has issues with self-esteem despite her being absolutely physically gorgeous. He even talks down to her in front of her kids ages 15 and 6.
So bottom line is she and I promised the world to each other. We both fell hard for each other emotionally and especially physically. My wife and I became separated and both the affair partner and I nearly got separate apartments but both chickened out or hesitated due to fear. We had planned on getting apartments for a year before moving in together. Our relationship centered around the physical part as we never hung out to just hang out. There was always the physical involved. We talked a lot through texting and at work. We shared and said things that in my right mind would never have said. We were addicted to the high of what we shouldn’t of had.
The past few weeks we began to grow apart. It was obvious. I had a couple months before moving back in (major counseling and working things out) admitted to my wife the affair. The physical part slightly remained after that but the emotional side and “wanting” to be together was still there. But still, we were moving apart from each other. She became quieter about her situation at home and I with mine. We knew we were not going to work out, but it’s like two drug addicts addicted to each other and the high of the physical and emotional connection, that we wanted to keep going. Every other day was we were done but by the end of the day we weren’t. Back and forth we went.
Just this past week, more like a few days ago from writing this, we ended it. It was hard, tears flowed on both ends. We wondered if we could remain friends. We couldn’t. Then something happened a couple nights ago. I found out she blocked me on Facebook despite us not being friends. It was to make sure I couldn’t contact her. Any obvious thing would be to rejoice but my insides freaked out. I feel (yes current feelings) like I needed to be the one to have done that. It was like she got the final blow in. I wanted to drive to her house and let her have a piece of my mind. I didn’t. But still, inside the pit of my stomach was churning. The most God awful feeling in the world. We were supposed to be on equal grounds of having a hard time saying goodbye and she does that? I should have done that!
I will say that as God removes the scales from my eyes and I have turned to him this week with genuine sorrow and repentance. I am slowly beginning to see the situation for what it was. A relationship built on sand made and started out of lies, deceit, falsehood and ugly sin. I let the world creep in and skew my mind. My thinking and actions were unlike any I have experienced and done. I nearly walked out on my wife who despite me admitting to not only a physical relationship but now an emotional one this week (which was much worse than the physical to her) she has and is remaining by my side. She has spent weeks and months on her knees seeking God and praying for me and our son. She never gave up. Ever! Despite the hurt, lack of trust, etc. She never gave up and wont. She is going through me fighting the affair fog. Yes the deep feelings of loss that I shouldn’t have. She’s suffering through the hurt and watching me hurt because I miss someone! So stupid I have become and was!. I nearly tore my son’s life apart. He is adopted but I almost added the divorced part in as well. Imagine that, adopted and parents divorced!
The tears that have flowed out of her eyes and the pain and misery I brought her. I have literally cried my eyes out the past couple of days. Amazingly, and thank God for his mercy and grace, those tears are for my sin against God and my now true understanding of what He has done for me, but also for hurting my wife beyond anything and nearly ripping my son’s life apart. I nearly left for a woman who pursued me, a married man, months before I took notice. One who had a child at age 17, divorced a few years later after she married him, slept around before that marriage and after, been with abusive guys, been with one for ten years, separated from him for a few months 6 years ago, had a one night stand during that time and got pregnant from that resulting in her 2nd child. Not to mention the other things I said. What the heck! She’s not a Christian at all!
I am back officially with my wife, working through things, my wife who has spent hours crying/praying, taking on the financial aspects (good job thankfully) while I put my two weeks in from a good job with no job lined up so I can get away officially from the other woman. We are going through counseling as individuals and as a couple, we are in the past few weeks attending a church and plugging in. She has a few good friends who are Christians who have come along her. I have finally reached out to two old friends and asked to be accountability partners. I am amazed at the power of sin and how blinded one can become. I am amazed at how easily the lies flow and the depth one will go to fulfill and addiction and fantasy life.
It just sucks the fog is still there. I wish I had the last word. It feels unfinished to me because of that. The past day or so the anger is setting in. First, how could I do this to my family and God, second, how could I have let someone like that in my life? Someone who pursued me, a married man and walk away and not tell her significant other. Its in Gods hands now. So I have questions…
1. I feel like I needed the last word. That we were on equal grounds and sad to part and then she gets the last “block” in despite knowing we still work in the same place and may run into each other. Did she do it out of hurt on her end despite having feelings for me? Idk. I want so bad to tell her how I really feel and who I am. That I will never cross that line again and am sorry for hurting her and setting an example of how a guy should never treat a woman.
2. How long does this fog last? I recognize what it truly was and who she really was now but why do I still feel this way?
Final thought….If you are ever thinking of cheating……DON’T! The pain and hurt and emotions involved (unless you’re that callous) are nearly beyond what one can handle. I hurt deep inside. For God and family and myself. I nearly destroyed peoples lives. I hurt others. The web of lies and deceit and the length one will go to fulfill a fantasy/addiction are, just wow. NEVER EVER AGAIN!
