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My Affair = Hurt, Pain, Anger, Sorrow (long post)

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by Asrob, May 6, 2018.

  1. Asrob

    Asrob New Member

    9
    +4
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    If there was ever a time in my life I wish I could go back and have a do over it would be right now. I am literally in the worst pain, hurt, anger, sorrow; I have ever been in my entire life. Here’s my story….

    I work in a hospital and about 6 months ago another woman and I started talking. At first it was casual talk but you could tell in a very short time that it became flirty and we were both interested. We liked each other despite both being in a relationship. To fast forward a lot and save time, after a couple months it became physical for the next 4 months. We quickly became attached both physically to each other and emotionally.

    First, I have been married almost 16 years. I have never cheated before. The wife and I struggled with communication, which unbeknownst to us until counseling, affected a whole heck of a lot, including intimacy. We had sex like once every 2-3 months for years. I felt like my life was passing me by and wished for a long time I had married someone else. I also enjoyed being away from her more than with her. The affair partner of mine was 6 years younger, I’m 39. She was in a long term relationship of 10 years and has been engaged for the past 6 years of that. Long story there but I’ll explain more later.

    My wife and I met in church, both Christians, love God and at one point I worked in the church. Through all that we still didn’t realize the issues we had going on and how it affected us. And for myself, I let pornography ravage my life for years and little did I realize, along with other circumstances, led me slowly down a dark path. Coupled with never really settling in a new church for years and the stresses of life and a 4 year old, I myself, grew farther from God, kept people at a distance, and held a lot inside. Sin and lies took over and my sexual addiction led me down a path I regret.

    Looking back I can see how I slowly fell for her. She was in a bad spot with her fiancé who is one of the worst individuals I have ever heard of in my life. He is a mentally abusive, controlling and manipulative person. At one point she identified 58/62 traits an article talked about with people like that. I mean this guy made 70k a year to her 28k and makes her pay half of everything, tells her how to think, act, feel, etc. She has no say in anything. He takes half her school loans which encourages her debt. She had to file bankruptcy 2 years ago because of him, has no retirement, no savings at all, no credit, and if she can’t afford anything, even a gallon of milk, makes her put it on an IOU list that she recently paid him from her taxes of nearly 3k!. Stellar guy! And she pays him half her taxes as well! He also talks down to her, makes her feel inadequate and has issues with self-esteem despite her being absolutely physically gorgeous. He even talks down to her in front of her kids ages 15 and 6.

    So bottom line is she and I promised the world to each other. We both fell hard for each other emotionally and especially physically. My wife and I became separated and both the affair partner and I nearly got separate apartments but both chickened out or hesitated due to fear. We had planned on getting apartments for a year before moving in together. Our relationship centered around the physical part as we never hung out to just hang out. There was always the physical involved. We talked a lot through texting and at work. We shared and said things that in my right mind would never have said. We were addicted to the high of what we shouldn’t of had.

    The past few weeks we began to grow apart. It was obvious. I had a couple months before moving back in (major counseling and working things out) admitted to my wife the affair. The physical part slightly remained after that but the emotional side and “wanting” to be together was still there. But still, we were moving apart from each other. She became quieter about her situation at home and I with mine. We knew we were not going to work out, but it’s like two drug addicts addicted to each other and the high of the physical and emotional connection, that we wanted to keep going. Every other day was we were done but by the end of the day we weren’t. Back and forth we went.

    Just this past week, more like a few days ago from writing this, we ended it. It was hard, tears flowed on both ends. We wondered if we could remain friends. We couldn’t. Then something happened a couple nights ago. I found out she blocked me on Facebook despite us not being friends. It was to make sure I couldn’t contact her. Any obvious thing would be to rejoice but my insides freaked out. I feel (yes current feelings) like I needed to be the one to have done that. It was like she got the final blow in. I wanted to drive to her house and let her have a piece of my mind. I didn’t. But still, inside the pit of my stomach was churning. The most God awful feeling in the world. We were supposed to be on equal grounds of having a hard time saying goodbye and she does that? I should have done that!

    I will say that as God removes the scales from my eyes and I have turned to him this week with genuine sorrow and repentance. I am slowly beginning to see the situation for what it was. A relationship built on sand made and started out of lies, deceit, falsehood and ugly sin. I let the world creep in and skew my mind. My thinking and actions were unlike any I have experienced and done. I nearly walked out on my wife who despite me admitting to not only a physical relationship but now an emotional one this week (which was much worse than the physical to her) she has and is remaining by my side. She has spent weeks and months on her knees seeking God and praying for me and our son. She never gave up. Ever! Despite the hurt, lack of trust, etc. She never gave up and wont. She is going through me fighting the affair fog. Yes the deep feelings of loss that I shouldn’t have. She’s suffering through the hurt and watching me hurt because I miss someone! So stupid I have become and was!. I nearly tore my son’s life apart. He is adopted but I almost added the divorced part in as well. Imagine that, adopted and parents divorced!

    The tears that have flowed out of her eyes and the pain and misery I brought her. I have literally cried my eyes out the past couple of days. Amazingly, and thank God for his mercy and grace, those tears are for my sin against God and my now true understanding of what He has done for me, but also for hurting my wife beyond anything and nearly ripping my son’s life apart. I nearly left for a woman who pursued me, a married man, months before I took notice. One who had a child at age 17, divorced a few years later after she married him, slept around before that marriage and after, been with abusive guys, been with one for ten years, separated from him for a few months 6 years ago, had a one night stand during that time and got pregnant from that resulting in her 2nd child. Not to mention the other things I said. What the heck! She’s not a Christian at all!

    I am back officially with my wife, working through things, my wife who has spent hours crying/praying, taking on the financial aspects (good job thankfully) while I put my two weeks in from a good job with no job lined up so I can get away officially from the other woman. We are going through counseling as individuals and as a couple, we are in the past few weeks attending a church and plugging in. She has a few good friends who are Christians who have come along her. I have finally reached out to two old friends and asked to be accountability partners. I am amazed at the power of sin and how blinded one can become. I am amazed at how easily the lies flow and the depth one will go to fulfill and addiction and fantasy life.

    It just sucks the fog is still there. I wish I had the last word. It feels unfinished to me because of that. The past day or so the anger is setting in. First, how could I do this to my family and God, second, how could I have let someone like that in my life? Someone who pursued me, a married man and walk away and not tell her significant other. Its in Gods hands now. So I have questions…

    1. I feel like I needed the last word. That we were on equal grounds and sad to part and then she gets the last “block” in despite knowing we still work in the same place and may run into each other. Did she do it out of hurt on her end despite having feelings for me? Idk. I want so bad to tell her how I really feel and who I am. That I will never cross that line again and am sorry for hurting her and setting an example of how a guy should never treat a woman.

    2. How long does this fog last? I recognize what it truly was and who she really was now but why do I still feel this way?

    Final thought….If you are ever thinking of cheating……DON’T! The pain and hurt and emotions involved (unless you’re that callous) are nearly beyond what one can handle. I hurt deep inside. For God and family and myself. I nearly destroyed peoples lives. I hurt others. The web of lies and deceit and the length one will go to fulfill a fantasy/addiction are, just wow. NEVER EVER AGAIN!
     
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  2. akmom

    akmom Newbie

    +324
    Christian
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    It sounds like you have a wonderful wife indeed. While you may be consumed by guilt and appreciation now, it is worth considering how much you must mean to her for her to want to salvage the marriage. Some women do retain cheating spouses because it's easier, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like she is taking on a burden to keep you and work through this. I think it says a lot about the relationship you are coming back to, that she loves you and values you enough to assume the finances, pray for you, and work through this despite the hurt and upheaval. It's worth cherishing that, not just feeling terrible about it.

    1. This is tricky. Most people think it's best to have immediate and permanent separation from your affair partner. But I understand the need for closure. It's hard to lose anyone you love, whether you had a right to or not. In any case, it doesn't sound like saying anything to her now is a good idea. You clearly need to heal and move on before you seek any closure - if ever.

    2. There is an emptiness any time you lose someone important to you. How long it takes to fill that void probably depends on how much of your heart and thoughts they previously consumed. Be careful not to fill that space with resentment.
     
  3. Asrob

    Asrob New Member

    9
    +4
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I will say a lot has changed since writing this. So the other woman blocking me from facebook...yeah she got married that day. Blindsided me. Strung me along while sleeping with her fiance who still has no clue about what she did. My counselor said I received a gift because when I found out I instantly got over the emotions of missing her and all that. I was angry for the first couple of days but God has been working in my heart. What she did to me was not a whole lot different than what I did to my wife.

    My marriage and relationship with God has been a thousand times better than ever. We have a long way to go still. Im digging into the Gods word and praying like never before. Actually have a delight in doing so. We are plugging back into a local church and attending more counseling and small group study as well. Friends have come along side both of us and helping us through.

    I have resigned from my good paying job. I have tonight and monday then Im done. I have an interview next week elsewhere. I passed the other woman getting off the elevator the other morning as I was heading home. We made eye contact, I kept a straight face as she had a huge worried look on her face. I walked right on by, never spoke a word. Got to my car which was parked in the middle of nowhere with no one else around....except that she parked right next to me?????!!. I got home, took a shower, layed down and thought, let me check facebook. She unblocked me but didnt add me as a friend. I blocked her and then told my wife what happened. I said here is your chance to know who she is. She looked. I told her about it that way she knows who she is and that there is no temptation for me to ever unblock her.
     
  4. faithinmyself

    faithinmyself Junior Member

    64
    +3
    Christian
    Married
    Hey looks like you got your last word in right there. Maybe she blocked you for now thinking she always could have you and can come back to you when she wanted too and the fact is you did what you did, made eye contact, walked right on past her gave her enough to unblock you to slowly start talking again (maybe not) but the fact that you were able to block her, you told your wife about it etc...you probably got the closure you needed. Maybe it won't sit well with her you blocked her..if she knew you quit your job too that will send a message loud and clear. She doesn't have that stronghold over you like maybe she thought. Good for you for sending a strong message her way that you were "done". I think that is all you needed.
     
  5. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,151
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Social media can be very bad. It can let people back into our lives who we need to leave in the past. Consider setting up a new account. Seriously.
     
  6. Asrob

    Asrob New Member

    9
    +4
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Monday night was my last night of work. Tues morning as I was walking to my car I saw her pull in a few spots down. I got in my car, started it as she walked behind my car. She kept going. As I drove off I could see her stop a couple times and look back. Prior to this the last page had been turned. Me driving off was the book covers shutting for good. Im sooooo glad. I had a job interview today. Got the job. New hospital, new job, new chapter. Today is the first day of having no connection/job/whatever to this other person. Its a weight lifted off. I will have the next month off before working, a time to heal. Never again will I do what I did. So awful on many levels.
     
  7. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +803
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Sir, I am sorry to tell you this but you will not fully recover from the affair if you continue to be triggered by seeing her around town or on social media. You are better to entirely forsake social media and to move away from her so you never see her again.

    Also, it only takes ONE inadvertent, accidental meeting to rekindle the flames of the addiction (affair) and suddenly you will find yourself in the same affair all over again, no matter how bitter the lessons you have learned at the present time. This is why AA teaches people who break an addiction to alcohol to never take another drink again in their life times. Too many people have just had that "one" beer and fallen into alcoholism all over again. This is also why you need to abandon social media. That "one" glimpse has ALREADY occurred when you couldn't help yourself and looked her up.

    For the love of your wife, and to spare her from ever having to experience this wrenching pain again (hers is 10x yours), you should move at least 8 to 10 hours away from your current location.
     
  8. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +803
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Next, you need to set up firm boundaries between you and opposite sex friends to protect your wife from having this ever happen again. As soon as a person of the opposite sex starts to meet your emotional needs, however benign that may seem at the time, you are running a high risk of an affair.

    You must never become friends with an opposite sex person to the extent that you share personal or deep one-on-one conversations. If an opposite sex person starts confiding to you about their relationship - run! This is how many affairs start. Never confide to another woman things about your marriage, either.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +803
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Also, your wife should expose the affair to your affair partner's new husband so he can be on the lookout against his wife connecting back with you as well. If you miss this critical step, the lack of accountability may allow the affair partner to pursue you unimpeded again. Your wife is the only person in this scenario that needs protection, and you owe it to her that the affair partner has as few opportunities as possible to reach out to rekindle your addiction to her. It seems the affair partner has started already to play coy with the social media interaction.

    You also need to write a letter to your affair partner telling her that you love your wife, that having an affair with her was the biggest mistake of your life and that you never want to see or hear from her again. Your wife should review the letter to make sure it meet her approval and then your wife should mail it so she can feel confident it was mailed.

    All of these steps are hard to take, but falling back into the affair is only too possible without taking these actions to close up the possibilities.
     
  10. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +803
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Your addiction is still alive and kicking. This is playing with fire but your wife is the one who will get burned.

    You really need to take the steps I suggested above to protect your wife.
     
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