Question about my marriage. Need REAL marriage advice. (Moved from Christian Advice)

[JoshFL]

Im 23 and have had sex maybe 8 times this year, freshly married one year. that does not sound good, am i right?

 

[Grip Docility]

She is but also isnt a christian
She gave her life to the Lord but she doesnt believe anymore or know where she stands.

I doubt she would want to go to a therapist or anything.

If there’s no solution between both of you... it may not work out at all.

You can’t grit it out and the lack of desire to fix stuff on her part is a dangerous matter.

 

[chinwendu]

There are a lot of layers present. Maybe start, if you are not already by praying for your wife regarding this particular area, and add anything else God reveals to you.

If you and your wife have fornicated with other people, prior to coming together as husband and wife; if you have not already prayed to God, repented and asked for forgiveness, it would be good to do so together and separately. There are many model prayers online for prayers to break ungodly soul ties.

Next, pray and ask God for forgiveness for fornicating with each other prior to getting married (if you did). There is much that happens that we are totally unaware of. Please, go to God together and separately.

Now, that you are husband and your wife, if there was fornication prior to marriage, ask God to change the foundation of your marriage to one that is grounded on his word. Pray and ask God to bless and protect your marriage.

If you haven't spoken with your wife, set aside time for you both to gently share how you might be feeling about this particular area and why. There is this book I just heard of on ministry radio entitled, Smart Love. It is written by a husband and wife who have been married to one another for over 50 yrs. Sounds very interesting with years of advice and experiences. Maybe you and your wife could read it together?

These are what came to mind when I read what you shared. Prayerfully, there will be good changes if there is nothing physical or otherwise present, and the root of the issue will be revealed and addressed in Jesus name.

God bless you and your wife

 

[Grip Docility]

But the problem is, she only does it cause I want it whenever it does happens which makes it dumb and awkward for me.
and if she has an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] first,she isnt in the mood to please me because she has already been off.

I just feel like were friends and it sucks. its awkward.
I want her to be fully on board and wanting to do it and be sexy and take control sometimes and its something that like never happens and i feel like it should.

Trust me when I tell you.. you don’t want a woman that likes sexual control...

You “think” you do... but I swear on my first failed marriage that that is a bad thing...

If she’s wired passive... then it’s on you to explore slowly and discover what makes it cook.

Her lack of concern for your release is a bad thing.

Your pain is justified.

 

[Grip Docility]

I’ll be blunt...

Sexy for a woman is making her enjoy being naked around you... I’m positive that this has caused deep strain on you... and she’s not okay about things for the time being...

I severely recommend seeing if you can both “start over” in the bedroom together with simplicity and play.

I can’t emphasize enough that the sex therapist and medical assistance may help volumes.

Two naked bodies together is good enough...

I promise you that that idea alone can add interest.

 

[JoshFL]

Trust me when I tell you.. you don’t want a woman that likes sexual control...

You “think” you do... but I swear on my first failed marriage that that is a bad thing...

If she’s wired passive... then it’s on you to explore slowly and discover what makes it cook.

Her lack of concern for your release is a bad thing.

Your pain is justified.

What im saying is I want her to really want it and her take control of me and really enjoy it.
Not me taking control all the time.
I think you MAY have read that wrong

Thanks so much for your input by the way

 

[Grip Docility]

What im saying is I want her to really want it and her take control of me and really enjoy it.
Not me taking control all the time.
I think you MAY have read that wrong

Thanks so much for your input by the way

Start SLOW...

Start over and know... this can take a lonnnnnng time to reconcile.

You love her... I can tell.

See it through... don’t give up and don’t blame yourself or her.

You’re both committed to marriage and I believe Jesus can see you both through this.

I’m so sorry for your pain. In my first marriage... it started out in a similar way.

I was enormously impatient and had to come to terms with differences that couldn’t be reconciled.

Seriously! Brother... I’m so sorry for your pain.

I know you love her.

I pray that you both swell in love together and are drawn to Jesus collectively by His visible intervention on both your hearts.

 

[Grip Docility]

What im saying is I want her to really want it and her take control of me and really enjoy it.
Not me taking control all the time.
I think you MAY have read that wrong

Thanks so much for your input by the way

I will be blunt...

That kind of absence can drive a husband to inappropriate contentography... which creates a false expectation of a woman.

It can become a self loathing cycle of misery!

On the other hand... you are so much more than sexual partners...

But... in your youth... this is a painful thing to pass through and it always feels like you’re in a tunnel without light to be seen.

May Christ ease the pain in your heart!

You’re not a sexual monster!

You have realistic expectations...

I pray you both grow old together... having found sexual satisfaction together and deeper Love that meets both of your expectations... of one another.

 

[Grip Docility]

Honestly... real life happens and Christ wants nothing but your joy in marriage...

My heart goes out to you and I can’t emphasize enough... this IS a serious matter and God bless you for seeking encouragement here!!!!

 

[JoshFL]

Honestly... real life happens and Christ wants nothing but your joy in marriage...

My heart goes out to you and I can’t emphasize enough... this IS a serious matter and God bless you for seeking encouragement here!!!!

thank you so much for your help and advice

 

[Daniel Martinovich]

and if she has an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] first,she isnt in the mood to please me because she has already been off.

Again, not looking down on you. We all enter this arena not knowing anything about it. Even if you were like me who had sex hundreds of times before I got married and did not have the faintest notion of how to give a woman an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] . I am trying to emphasize to you how ignorant WE really are on the matter. To prove my point: There is no such thing as a woman getting off already and now she is not in the mood. Woman are almost the opposite of men in this area. Once they have an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that is when they are most in the mood for penetration because their [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] will either continue or it will be far easier to have a vaginal one with you doing your thing. Young woman can easily have multiple [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Honestly, it sounds like your having this horrible time because you don't know what you are doing and she is not willing to work through that with you. She may not even know what is supposed to happen to her with sex and all she is getting is a little pain and messy. You really need to get yourself a book.

 

[Daniel Martinovich]

I don’t think that’s the issue at all. I could be wrong... but he explained that there is medical stuff going on that complicates matters...

I did not read that on here. I thought I would have noticed it. If I missed that then my advice is worthless to a degree.

 

[Grip Docility]

I did not read that on here. I thought I would have noticed it. If I missed that then my advice is worthless to a degree.

No advice is worthless, friend. You care and out of Love for this man and for Jesus... you are sharing your heart and concern.

 

[Grip Docility]

I did not read that on here. I thought I would have noticed it. If I missed that then my advice is worthless to a degree.

It is post #72

 

[JoshFL]

1 Corinthians 7:2-5
2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In the KJV, verse 5 uses the word "defraud" instead of "depriving." I think "defraud" communicates better what a husband or wife does when they withhold sexual relations entirely from their spouse. What does the word "defraud" mean? Well, synonyms of the word quickly render its meaning obvious: swindle, cheat, rob. A spouse is cheating or robbing their marriage partner when they agree to marry him/her and then deny them sexual relations. Sex is an integral part of marriage and anyone who agrees to be married agrees to a relationship that is sexual.

It doesn't sound like you and your wife are disciples of Christ. That's a big problem. God intends that He should be the Anchor or Foundation of your marriage. Without Him, your marriage is seriously crippled and wide open to destructive influences.

I'm assuming that prior to being married you had regular sexual relations? Or did you live together for nine years without having sex? If so, if you had no relations prior to marriage, why would you agree to being married? Anyone who does not want sex should not marry. If you did have sex, why has this stopped? Will your wife tell you? Have you asked her why she's suddenly off sex with you?

we really didnt do anything for the entire 8 years prior to marriage.
first year we had sex a couple times and stopped and the remaining 7 years til marriage we fiddled VERY RARE

 

[JoshFL]

we really didnt do anything for the entire 8 years prior to marriage.
first year we had sex a couple times and stopped and the remaining 7 years til marriage we fiddled VERY RARE

Meaning touching etc, no sex. we waited til marriage.
Its still not right for any sexual stuf before marriage I know that, but we did touch each other once ina while, no sex.

 

[Grip Docility]

Meaning touching etc, no sex. we waited til marriage.
Its still not right for any sexual stuf before marriage I know that, but we did touch each other once ina while, no sex.

Then reassure yourself this... she tried ya out and decided to have you for a lifetime.

Don’t forget that.

Even the main part of male sex drive is to be appreciated and loved, too.

Don’t lose hope and don’t stop believing that she wants you as hers...

It may feel like a lie... but... I believe you can both find the way to both of your mutual joy.

 

[JoshFL]

Wow! ....
Just realize you are not going to get none...then the need will go away.

You married her with this knowledge...
So let her be.

Or seek a psychologist

Seems you dont like sex much either ... lol

 

[JoshFL]

I did not read that on here. I thought I would have noticed it. If I missed that then my advice is worthless to a degree.

Theres not a "medical issue"
She just feels nothing when I penetrate

 

[JoshFL]

I did not read that on here. I thought I would have noticed it. If I missed that then my advice is worthless to a degree.

I agree there is no worthless information. I genuinely appreciate all of you minus the one lady on here telling me Im never gonna get any and get used to it lol