Question about my marriage. Need REAL marriage advice. (Moved from Christian Advice)

[JoshFL]

Okay so my wife and I have been together for 9 years, we got married a year ago.
So together 8, married 1.
Here's where I get frustrated.
I dont want to get too personal but my wife NEVER wants to have sex.
Ever!

She gets no urgers to do it and I am always wanting to
I dont want to be selfish but we literally NEVER do it.

I dont want to be all about myself but theres never any common ground or meeting in the middle on it.

I love my wife and shes my best friend but I gets so frustrated because its not fair to me.
In the same way she says she just doesnt like it,.

Im so lost on this....
I cant live my whole life never having sex, but at the same time, I dont want to live in the flesh and be sensual and only worried about my feelings but we just never meet at a middle.

Am I being unfair by wanting to?
I know life is not all about sex, but when its not even existent in a relationship I feel its not healthy and just leaves one or the other frustrated.
It makes me feel were not even close, like were just friends most of the time
It just messes with me.
Again I know as christians we dont live based of feelings or sensuality. but I just feel like its not fair....

hopefully this isnt to personal to post but didnt know where else to ask

 

[RaymondG]

Ask your wife if she would mind if you added a few concubines to you life. If she minds, ask her if you can get busy more so you wont feel the need to. If she doesn't mind, then you have bigger issues to deal with.

 

[JoshFL]

Ask your wife if she would mind if you added a few concubines to you life. If she minds, ask her if you can get busy more so you wont feel the need to. If she doesn't mind, then you have bigger issues to deal with.

1. I would never want that. 2. she would never want me with someone else. 3. She cares for me a lot as do I for her but she just doesnt want/like sex.

 

[JoshFL]

I really hope that response was a joke

 

[RaymondG]

1. I would never want that.

Sounds good. Then I suggest getting a hobby to help you forget about getting busy.

 

[JoshFL]

Sounds good. Then I suggest getting a hobby to help you forget about getting busy.

I have hobbies. I play music. Sex is normal and should be in a relationship but its non existent.

 

[RaymondG]

I have hobbies. I play music. Sex is normal and should be in a relationship but its non existent.

Nice, Im i musician as well. Been married 11years...yet still young. I think you may need to tell us what you want to hear so we can say it.....since my advice is laughable.

 

[JoshFL]

Nice, Im i musician as well. Been married 11years...yet still young. I think you may need to tell us what you want to hear so we can say it.....since my advice is laughable.

Im sorry I wasnt trying to come off rude, I just looked up the meaning of what you said and my jaw dropped lol. I appreciate you taking the time to write.

 

[RaymondG]

Im sorry I wasnt trying to come off rude, I just looked up the meaning of what you said and my jaw dropped lol. I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Well, it was a biblical term Sometimes you have to cut to the chase....as most women dont understand the male sexual desire...

 

[PollyJetix]

Okay so my wife and I have been together for 9 years, we got married a year ago.
So together 8, married 1.
Here's where I get frustrated.
I dont want to get too personal but my wife NEVER wants to have sex.
Ever!

She gets no urgers to do it and I am always wanting to
I dont want to be selfish but we literally NEVER do it.

I dont want to be all about myself but theres never any common ground or meeting in the middle on it.

I love my wife and shes my best friend but I gets so frustrated because its not fair to me.
In the same way she says she just doesnt like it,.

Im so lost on this....
I cant live my whole life never having sex, but at the same time, I dont want to live in the flesh and be sensual and only worried about my feelings but we just never meet at a middle.

Am I being unfair by wanting to?
I know life is not all about sex, but when its not even existent in a relationship I feel its not healthy and just leaves one or the other frustrated.
It makes me feel were not even close, like were just friends most of the time
It just messes with me.
Again I know as christians we dont live based of feelings or sensuality. but I just feel like its not fair....

hopefully this isnt to personal to post but didnt know where else to ask

It sounds like she needs to be taken for professional marriage counseling. Or a visit to the doctor.
It is not normal to have no sex drive. A healthy body will have a sex drive.

There may be something from her past that is buried deep, which she refuses to deal with, that is causing her not to like having sex. I have a feeling this is usually the problem. But she needs to go to a professional, to find out what her trouble is.

Marriage was not intended to be sexless. God intended for each to have those urges to be satisfied by the other partner.

If your wife is a Christian, I would sit down with her, and ask her to read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. Or read it to her.
Approach her with compassion. Something is wrong in her. She needs help.
Tamp down your frustration, and focus on her need to be a whole person.
Help her see that her marriage cannot be what God wants it to be, unless she gets some help.
That her inability to satisfy your normal drive will drive you away, emotionally.

She needs to understand this.
She needs you emotionally, and you need her physically.
For her to keep getting what she needs emotionally, she must learn to give you what you need.
Otherwise, it's going to fall apart, over the years.
God made marriage to work a certain way, and if she refuses to operate within that design, it will break down.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Hearingheart]

Just wondering, but if you were together for 9 years before marriage, was your intimate relationship always like this? Is this lack of sex drive something new for her or has she always been like this?

I'd say the first step is that she get some blood work and get a physical to eliminate any medical problems that may be dulling her libido.

If there is no physical reason for her lack of libido, then maybe some counseling or perhaps you need to figure out what turns her on.

 

[R.A.M.]

It sounds like she needs to be taken for professional marriage counseling. Or a visit to the doctor.
It is not normal to have no sex drive. A healthy body will have a sex drive.

There may be something from her past that is buried deep, which she refuses to deal with, that is causing her not to like having sex. I have a feeling this is usually the problem. But she needs to go to a professional, to find out what her trouble is.

Marriage was not intended to be sexless. God intended for each to have those urges to be satisfied by the other partner.

If your wife is a Christian, I would sit down with her, and ask her to read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. Or read it to her.
Approach her with compassion. Something is wrong in her. She needs help.
Tamp down your frustration, and focus on her need to be a whole person.
Help her see that her marriage cannot be what God wants it to be, unless she gets some help.
That her inability to satisfy your normal drive will drive you away, emotionally.

She needs to understand this.
She needs you emotionally, and you need her physically.
For her to keep getting what she needs emotionally, she must learn to give you what you need.
Otherwise, it's going to fall apart, over the years.
God made marriage to work a certain way, and if she refuses to operate within that design, it will break down.

Completely agree with this response.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman that is both spiritual AND physical.
If either party refuses to fulfill both ends of that contract, counseling from an anointed, spirit filled counselor is definitely a good idea.

As well as a consult with a good doctor.
I recommend looking into what Ted Broer at Healthmasters might have on the matter regarding the possible physical or biochemical problems.

 

[God bless Joshua]

Did she tell you be4 the marriage that she didnt want to hv sex ?
If not its a humiliation to refuse a husband to hv sex.
You need to have children to take care of you when you get old.

 

[Endeavourer]

Here is a great article for your situation. What do you think of it?

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I have heard that couples who live together and then get married, have problems and issues that arise. There are theories about this. You have not said whether you had a regular sex life before you got formally married, or whether the issue has arisen since you made your partnership formal. If it was me, and the problem existed before formalising our marriage, I would be making that an issue that needed to be resolved before going into marriage.

The marriage contract involves vows before God that you will give yourselves to each other, and part of it says, "my body I shall endow [to you] which is a vow your wife has made as well as you. For her to deny sex to you, is breaking that vow before God, and it can be argued that she is breaking the marriage contract that you made to each other. What she is doing to you is opening the temptation to fall into the arms of another woman who will give you what you need. In the present situation that would be adultery on your part. So, maybe divorce is the better option if she will not keep her marriage vow, or get help to find out why she is reluctant to have a physical relationship with you. Divorce is not the ideal option and might cause some zealots to condemn you for it, but God is much more understanding than that. But if you commit adultery and she divorces you for it, then it is you who will have to deal with God on the issue.

I know that it is a difficult situation, and it seems that you are in a cleft stick, where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If she had a healthy, regular physical relationship with you before marriage, and suddenly changed after marriage, then there may be something that has changed in her in the transition between common law and formal marriage.

For me, if I married a woman who refused to have a normal sexual relationship with me, I would put it to her that she should get help to have a normal marriage relationship with me (the marriage bed, (IE: sex within marriage), is not defiled), or else I will apply to have the marriage annulled through non-consummation. That will be as if the marriage never took place and I would be legally free to meet someone more suitable for me.

 

[PollyJetix]

I have heard that couples who live together and then get married, have problems and issues that arise. There are theories about this. You have not said whether you had a regular sex life before you got formally married, or whether the issue has arisen since you made your partnership formal. If it was me, and the problem existed before formalising our marriage, I would be making that an issue that needed to be resolved before going into marriage.

The marriage contract involves vows before God that you will give yourselves to each other, and part of it says, "my body I shall endow [to you] which is a vow your wife has made as well as you. For her to deny sex to you, is breaking that vow before God, and it can be argued that she is breaking the marriage contract that you made to each other. What she is doing to you is opening the temptation to fall into the arms of another woman who will give you what you need. In the present situation that would be adultery on your part. So, maybe divorce is the better option if she will not keep her marriage vow, or get help to find out why she is reluctant to have a physical relationship with you. Divorce is not the ideal option and might cause some zealots to condemn you for it, but God is much more understanding than that. But if you commit adultery and she divorces you for it, then it is you who will have to deal with God on the issue.

I know that it is a difficult situation, and it seems that you are in a cleft stick, where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

If she had a healthy, regular physical relationship with you before marriage, and suddenly changed after marriage, then there may be something that has changed in her in the transition between common law and formal marriage.

For me, if I married a woman who refused to have a normal sexual relationship with me, I would put it to her that she should get help to have a normal marriage relationship with me (the marriage bed, (IE: sex within marriage), is not defiled), or else I will apply to have the marriage annulled through non-consummation. That will be as if the marriage never took place and I would be legally free to meet someone more suitable for me.

Often, having sex before marriage puts a tremendous load of guilt on a woman.
She thinks getting married will lift the guilt.
So, after getting married, she tries to repent from the sin.

But there's a weird thing that happens inside the brain, when you begin having sex.
It lays down the emotional foundation of sex itself, which resurfaces each time.
Which means, the feelings of being guilty resurface every time she tries to have sex with her husband.
I have known women who had serious problems after marriage, because of this guilt problem they couldn't get rid of on their own.

Men tend to think more concretely, and are less dependent on emotion. (Wait, really??)
A man can repent, dust himself off, and reckon himself to be done repenting.
With a woman, it's different.
She needs to work things through on a deep level... and often, it's overwhelming.
She usually needs a spiritual breakthrough, to get free from this guilt.

I'm talking "praying-through" at an "altar" the old fashioned way.
It can be any altar of her own choosing. It helps to make a consecrated spot, a physical place that is to remain holy before the Lord. A "witness" to herself later, of what happened there.
And staying there until something happens inside her.

God truly can do miracles, when we seek Him with all our heart.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Often, having sex before marriage puts a tremendous load of guilt on a woman.
She thinks getting married will lift the guilt.
So, after getting married, she tries to repent from the sin.

But there's a weird thing that happens inside the brain, when you begin having sex.
It lays down the emotional foundation of sex itself, which resurfaces each time.
Which means, the feelings of being guilty resurface every time she tries to have sex with her husband.
I have known women who had serious problems after marriage, because of this guilt problem they couldn't get rid of on their own.

Men tend to think more concretely, and are less dependent on emotion. (Wait, really??)
A man can repent, dust himself off, and reckon himself to be done repenting.
With a woman, it's different.
She needs to work things through on a deep level... and often, it's overwhelming.
She usually needs a spiritual breakthrough, to get free from this guilt.

I'm talking "praying-through" at an "altar" the old fashioned way.
It can be any altar of her own choosing. It helps to make a consecrated spot, a physical place that is to remain holy before the Lord. A "witness" to herself later, of what happened there.
And staying there until something happens inside her.

God truly can do miracles, when we seek Him with all our heart.

That's what I heard, and I understand that it is much more difficult for a woman to speak about it than a man.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Just to get the obvious out of the way, shes not doing anything that would make you suspicious is she? Granted those kinds of cases aren't as common.

Some people just aren't as into sex. But it doesn't excuse them not giving any. Its VERY normal to want to be sexual with your spouse. And theres nothing wrong with not being happy about it if its never happening. The bible talks about (more or less) not withholding from your spouse.

Another thing could be does she have pain when she has had sex? Maybe shes nervous about pain or just some other aspect of sex. I know in some rare cases someone may not even be able to really have sex because of medical conditions. Which to me is the only legit reason to not give sex is if you literally can't.

Next I'd ask when you have had sex is it a slow process or for lack of better words "Minute man" thing? Apologies if thats kind of personal. But a man can easily get excited, have sex, do his thing and be done. Women on the other hand are not built like that. I always used the reference of they are more like a car engine (when its cold out) that needs to be warmed up for it to work right. Or in easier terms is there foreplay? Making it enjoyable for the woman will make her actually want sex. Where as a quick act of sex will just make her feel like she gets nothing out of it and she will hate it.

Have you talked to her about sex and how whats going on is not normal? Whatever the case is with whats going on, not having sex ever is going to ruin the marriage. More so as you build up emotions and feelings. Not to sound corny but I loved Yodas line in Star Wars.... "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering!". In this case the fear is that there won't be anymore sex. Which leads down a path of darker emotions as time goes on.

I'd probably seek counseling for it if it.

 

[aiki]

Okay so my wife and I have been together for 9 years, we got married a year ago.
So together 8, married 1.
Here's where I get frustrated.
I dont want to get too personal but my wife NEVER wants to have sex.
Ever!

1 Corinthians 7:2-5
2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In the KJV, verse 5 uses the word "defraud" instead of "depriving." I think "defraud" communicates better what a husband or wife does when they withhold sexual relations entirely from their spouse. What does the word "defraud" mean? Well, synonyms of the word quickly render its meaning obvious: swindle, cheat, rob. A spouse is cheating or robbing their marriage partner when they agree to marry him/her and then deny them sexual relations. Sex is an integral part of marriage and anyone who agrees to be married agrees to a relationship that is sexual.

It doesn't sound like you and your wife are disciples of Christ. That's a big problem. God intends that He should be the Anchor or Foundation of your marriage. Without Him, your marriage is seriously crippled and wide open to destructive influences.

I'm assuming that prior to being married you had regular sexual relations? Or did you live together for nine years without having sex? If so, if you had no relations prior to marriage, why would you agree to being married? Anyone who does not want sex should not marry. If you did have sex, why has this stopped? Will your wife tell you? Have you asked her why she's suddenly off sex with you?