Question about my marriage. Need REAL marriage advice. (Moved from Christian Advice)

[Andrew77]

Okay so my wife and I have been together for 9 years, we got married a year ago.
So together 8, married 1.
Here's where I get frustrated.
I dont want to get too personal but my wife NEVER wants to have sex.
Ever!

She gets no urgers to do it and I am always wanting to
I dont want to be selfish but we literally NEVER do it.

I dont want to be all about myself but theres never any common ground or meeting in the middle on it.

I love my wife and shes my best friend but I gets so frustrated because its not fair to me.
In the same way she says she just doesnt like it,.

Im so lost on this....
I cant live my whole life never having sex, but at the same time, I dont want to live in the flesh and be sensual and only worried about my feelings but we just never meet at a middle.

Am I being unfair by wanting to?
I know life is not all about sex, but when its not even existent in a relationship I feel its not healthy and just leaves one or the other frustrated.
It makes me feel were not even close, like were just friends most of the time
It just messes with me.
Again I know as christians we dont live based of feelings or sensuality. but I just feel like its not fair....

hopefully this isnt to personal to post but didnt know where else to ask

So I'm going to be honest and direct, but I'm also not going to white wash this.

I'm assuming that before you were married, you had sex more, and after you have had it very little. I'm assuming this because you sort of eluded to it, and it is what I've seen in many other couples before you.

There is a reason for this. When you sleep with a woman before being married, sex to the woman is a way to keep you around. When you only have sex after marriage, it becomes an expression of love to the woman, in marriage.

Because sex became just a method of keeping you from leaving during the 8 years you were not married, once married she has no interest in sex whatsoever. Sex was not about love to her. It was her trying to keep you from leaving her, because you were not married to her.

This is why the Bible says in many spots, that a man should not have sex outside of marriage.

So you are here now and what do you do? Well the fact is, it will likely be difficult. You may need real and direct counseling. You made need to be confrontational, and make a stand to your wife, that this is part of marriage, and you need it.

What I would tell you is, stop being overly spiritual about it. G-d created men with a natural sex drive, and you don't need to apologize. The Song of Solomon was not written about evil fleshly desires. It was written about the natural physical human love, that G-d created in humans.

The bottom line is, you need to make an issue out of this, and work towards fixing it, before it destroys your marriage. And it will ruin your marriage.

The one bit of advice I can give you towards that goal, is that you may have to be the dedicated initiator in this relationship, for the rest of your life. She may never be interested in sex again. That means you'll have to be the aggressor, and pursuer of your wife, until the day you die. When you want to have sex, you made need to set aside time, and be 'romantic' in whatever way needed to make it happen.

It is the unfortunate result of the choices made until now. You can still have a great sex life, but it may never be the way you want it again.

 

[LaSorcia]

​

MOD HAT ON

This thread is more appropriate for the Married Couples Forum, so it has been moved.

MOD HAT OFF

 

[JoshFL]

So I'm going to be honest and direct, but I'm also not going to white wash this.

I'm assuming that before you were married, you had sex more, and after you have had it very little. I'm assuming this because you sort of eluded to it, and it is what I've seen in many other couples before you.

There is a reason for this. When you sleep with a woman before being married, sex to the woman is a way to keep you around. When you only have sex after marriage, it becomes an expression of love to the woman, in marriage.

Because sex became just a method of keeping you from leaving during the 8 years you were not married, once married she has no interest in sex whatsoever. Sex was not about love to her. It was her trying to keep you from leaving her, because you were not married to her.

This is why the Bible says in many spots, that a man should not have sex outside of marriage.

So you are here now and what do you do? Well the fact is, it will likely be difficult. You may need real and direct counseling. You made need to be confrontational, and make a stand to your wife, that this is part of marriage, and you need it.

What I would tell you is, stop being overly spiritual about it. G-d created men with a natural sex drive, and you don't need to apologize. The Song of Solomon was not written about evil fleshly desires. It was written about the natural physical human love, that G-d created in humans.

The bottom line is, you need to make an issue out of this, and work towards fixing it, before it destroys your marriage. And it will ruin your marriage.

The one bit of advice I can give you towards that goal, is that you may have to be the dedicated initiator in this relationship, for the rest of your life. She may never be interested in sex again. That means you'll have to be the aggressor, and pursuer of your wife, until the day you die. When you want to have sex, you made need to set aside time, and be 'romantic' in whatever way needed to make it happen.

It is the unfortunate result of the choices made until now. You can still have a great sex life, but it may never be the way you want it again.

We never had sex before marriage.

 

[tall73]

It sounds like in most respects you both get along pretty well, but this is putting some strain on the relationship.

Her explanation of the issue has been that she lacks sensation during intercourse. Folks have been alluding to the possible problem, but we have to be careful how we word things around here to avoid being crass.

a. Are you familiar with female anatomy? Specifically are you familiar with the role of the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]?

b. Are you aware of the following statistic?

Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.

This bears repeating: Only one-quarter of women reliably experience [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] during intercourse-no matter how long it lasts, no matter what size the man's penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship.

The Most Important Sexual Statistic, Psychology Today

A percentage of women require direct clitoral stimulation for [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. In other words, penetrative intercourse does not provide sufficient stimulation for them to reach [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. However, direct clitoral stimulation can be accomplished through means other than intercourse, often in conjunction with intercourse. If you are familiar with all of this, and proper technique is not the problem, then let us know so we can discuss other aspects.

If you are not familiar with this, then there are resources we can recommend that explain the process from a Christian perspective so that you can help your wife feel sensation.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

TL;DR... Since you didn’t have a lot of premarital sex, is there any medication or birth control she’s on that may make things a challenge? How old is she and have you guys been intimate with other partners in previous relationships? And by “never,” what in actual tangible terms is the frequency?

At the risk of being blunt, this sounds like a case of blind leading the blind. One doesn’t know what to do and the other doesn’t know what to ask for.