Emotional Affair

[Snowymtn]

Last year was a very tough year for me, my mom got diagnosed with cancer and I found out I had to have a major surgery in another state-we have two little kids so this was overwhelming. I befriended a male co-worker (yes, red flags should have started to go up-but they did not). We became super close and would talk at work and text outside of work, sometimes go for a lunch time walk or grab a meal. I talked to him a lot about my anxiety issues I had about surgery, and about issues at work etc. It got to the point that I was communicating with him more than my husband and I would say things like "you are my best friend and i love our friendship" and sometimes send heart emojis and I generally looked forward to talking with him and i often told him of news before i would tell my husband (i realize another big red flag), it was as if I craved the emotional attention and it almost seems as though i had a crush on the emotional support- sometimes i think he was flirting with me and maybe some of my actions could be seen as flirty, -i am not sure at the time why i did not run like h*** but it was as if i could not see out of my fog........Then one day the fog cleared and I snapped out of it (a few months after my surgery) and realized this could head down a really scary road.... so I told him I thought our friendship had gotten inappropriate, he apologized and said he never meant to make me feel uncomfortable. We now only talk briefly at work about work items. Now all of the sudden, 9 months after I ended that inappropriate friendship/emotional affair I am overwhelmed with guilt. I told my husband that I think my friendship with this person had crossed into inappropriate territory-he just casually said he loves me and forgives me and we should talk more so i dont feel the need to search outside for emotional support. But we did not get into any details. During this time I was also drinking alot-i have since pretty much given that up as i realized it was an awful coping method.....I have confessed all of this to God and begged for forgiveness but I feel like my husband thought it was no big deal......i think if i got into all of the details it would hurt his feelings. Our marriage is on a much better path and we have been communicating more, praying more and investing more time into church. I love my husband and my heart breaks to think I was so foolish to open my heart up to someone else. I guess I am just looking for advice, or similar stories....

 

[Darkhorse]

You have a great guy.

Hang onto him and give him all your love, starting with communication.

 

[Snowymtn]

You have a great guy.

Hang onto him and give him all your love, starting with communication.

thanks Darkhorse. He is a great guy and I am sad that last year we grew apart emotionally. Do you think I should disclose all of the details of this inappropriate relationship to him? If he asks any specifics I will tell him.

 

[HereIStand]

It sounds like you handled the situation well. Don't beat yourself up. I've heard of situations like this. Men seemed to be lured away by physical attraction (even if a physical affair never happens). Women seem susceptible to a listening partner. God bless.

 

[Darkhorse]

I agree with answering what he asks, if anything. Otherwise, don't mention it. He may not want to know more.

 

[chevyontheriver]

thanks Darkhorse. He is a great guy and I am sad that last year we grew apart emotionally. Do you think I should disclose all of the details of this inappropriate relationship to him? If he asks any specifics I will tell him.

Don't volunteer all of the details. You have already told him the essentials. If he asks for more, then you can answer his questions, but otherwise best to be done with it and concentrate on communicating new things with him.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi Snowymtn. What you did by telling your husband was tightened your boundaries. That's a very wise move and many people never even allow the conviction of their hearts to realize when something is not right. It appears that you realized something that mistakenly seems innocent to others who fall into the traps of growing opportunities. I agree that you should keep the lines of communication open with your husband.

What you're dealing with in your mother's diagnosis and your own medical needs looks like something pretty common: a challenge coping with sudden or lingering trauma. We've experienced it in our family. And it was hard on both my husband and myself. And I understand that need to talk to somebody about anything under the sun, including the battles you're facing. I learned that to be the case for us. Ongoing communication is therapeutic.

So, have you considered talking with a female friend or family member? Or even a circle of women - considering that women who are strong in the Word and wise in their conversations are gems to keep company with. That's part of my prayer for you. That the Lord will send good female confidants in your path. Good friends. Good listeners. Sound advisors. God blessed me with some of those and I love seeing Him do the same for others.

 

[KWCrazy]

You told your husband he forgave you. Nothing happened more than flirting and talking, and since you saw the wedge that was being created you repented. Now forgive yourself. Learn from the pain and open up to your husband about the things that matter today, not what you talked about with someone else weeks before. Try making your husband your best friend. Try thinking about ways to make him happy and he'll respond by making you happy. Men want their women to love them. Only them. You'll find that weathering the storms of marriage brings you much closer together. Remember, fire tempers steel.

 

[Snowymtn]

Hi Snowymtn. What you did by telling your husband was tightened your boundaries. That's a very wise move and many people never even allow the conviction of their hearts to realize when something is not right. It appears that you realized something that mistakenly seems innocent to others who fall into the traps of growing opportunities. I agree that you should keep the lines of communication open with your husband.

What you're dealing with in your mother's diagnosis and your own medical needs looks like something pretty common: a challenge coping with sudden or lingering trauma. We've experienced it in our family. And it was hard on both my husband and myself. And I understand that need to talk to somebody about anything under the sun, including the battles you're facing. I learned that to be the case for us. Ongoing communication is therapeutic.

So, have you considered talking with a female friend or family member? Or even a circle of women - considering that women who are strong in the Word and wise in their conversations are gems to keep company with. That's part of my prayer for you. That the Lord will send good female confidants in your path. Good friends. Good listeners. Sound advisors. God blessed me with some of those and I love seeing Him do the same for others.

I feel like if I would have kept up the friendship I could see eventually crossing more boundaries. That is what scares me the most...how did I not see it when I was in it. I am searching for some strong Christian women friends-hoping that will be a good sounding board for me in the future. Sadly most of my friends are pretty secular and dont follow God. I still love them but know they would give me un-Christian advice

 

[A_Thinker]

thanks Darkhorse. He is a great guy and I am sad that last year we grew apart emotionally. Do you think I should disclose all of the details of this inappropriate relationship to him? If he asks any specifics I will tell him.

I don't think he's going to ask.

I don't think that he will want to hear details ...

He's already forgiven you ... be thankful and move forward ...

 

[unfinishedclay]

I feel like if I would have kept up the friendship I could see eventually crossing more boundaries. That is what scares me the most...how did I not see it when I was in it. I am searching for some strong Christian women friends-hoping that will be a good sounding board for me in the future. Sadly most of my friends are pretty secular and dont follow God. I still love them but know they would give me un-Christian advice

"That is what scares me the most" (what you said) = "I shutter to think what I could have done" (my words about myself)

And then there is grace and conviction of God's Word, keeping you humble enough to recognize the incredibly safe reliance in Jesus Christ. In John 15:5, Jesus said that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We can't recognize or discern a thing apart from Him. And many times, when we let our guards down - if we are truly abiding in Him as spoken in John 15 - the Spirit of God will intervene nudging you. And He did. (Jude 24) And it looks like He's gloriously dealing with you, even though it's difficult right now, because you're humble about it. But like KW posted, forgive yourself. Let the Lord strengthen you from this. Other women may eventually have to benefit from what you've learned. Even the ones who are not good company among your friends right now. I understand not having someone just yet. But the right friends can be found. As your light shines for Christ wherever you are, her light shining may connect with yours and result in y'all recognizing through course of communicating - whether at work, at church, on a mission serving Christ, anywhere the Lord orders your steps.

 

[Snowymtn]

"That is what scares me the most" (what you said) = "I shutter to think what I could have done" (my words about myself)

And then there is grace and conviction of God's Word, keeping you humble enough to recognize the incredibly safe reliance in Jesus Christ. In John 15:5, Jesus said that apart from Him, we can do nothing. We can't recognize or discern a thing apart from Him. And many times, when we let our guards down - if we are truly abiding in Him as spoken in John 15 - the Spirit of God will intervene nudging you. And He did. (Jude 24) And it looks like He's gloriously dealing with you, even though it's difficult right now, because you're humble about it. But like KW posted, forgive yourself. Let the Lord strengthen you from this. Other women may eventually have to benefit from what you've learned. Even the ones who are not good company among your friends right now. I understand not having someone just yet. But the right friends can be found. As your light shines for Christ wherever you are, her light shining may connect with yours and result in y'all recognizing through course of communicating - whether at work, at church, on a mission serving Christ, anywhere the Lord orders your steps.

Thanks for your sound advice. I guess I should clarify is that I told my husband I think I may have been involved in an emotional affair for the months around my surgery-I told him who it was but did not elaborate on much more than that. He did not have any questions and just said I love you and we need to communicate more. He also said he was probably not the best emotional support during that time..One part that I am having trouble on navigating is maybe I should tell him I was flirty? He didn't ask and I feel like the details will only cause more hurt. Thoughts?

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Snowymtn,

I agree with the others in this case that given you have disclosed the situation, the person and how you allowed your boundaries to be compromised, you should only give him further the information he asks for. It is up to him to decide what additional information he needs (or wants) in order to protect his marriage or recover from the situation.

However, what you can give him is just compensation for what you have done. Just compensation is the actions you can take to build affair-tight boundaries and behave in ways that will ensure something like this never happens again. Actions such as never having a one-on-one opposite sex friendship again, providing total digital transparency to your husband and being radically honest about where you are and what you are doing at all times.

What do you think of this article? While you did not actually have an affair, much of the advice could still apply to you.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1

 

[Snowymtn]

Hi Snowymtn,

I agree with the others in this case that given you have disclosed the situation, the person and how you allowed your boundaries to be compromised, you should only give him further the information he asks for. It is up to him to decide what additional information he needs (or wants) in order to protect his marriage or recover from the situation.

However, what you can give him is just compensation for what you have done. Just compensation is the actions you can take to build affair-tight boundaries and behave in ways that will ensure something like this never happens again. Actions such as never having a one-on-one opposite sex friendship again, providing total digital transparency to your husband and being radically honest about where you are and what you are doing at all times.

What do you think of this article? While you did not actually have an affair, much of the advice could still apply to you.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1

Well it appears by some definitions I did have an emotional affair.

 

[Endeavourer]

Well it appears by some definitions I did have an emotional affair.

Yes, you are correct. I should have said you did not have a sexual affair.

Your best course of action from here is to provide the just compensation I described with tight boundaries to ensure this never happens again, to never bring it up to your husband again unless he asks, and to affair proof your marriage for the future.

You'll want to freely leave your phone available for your husband's easy access, write down all of your passwords and tape them up in an area he can easily notice, close down all avenues of seeing this man again, and purposefully put him out of your mind forever.

As your husband suggested, you'll also want to focus on meeting each other's emotional needs.

What do you think of this article?

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

 

[Snowymtn]

Yes, you are correct. I should have said you did not have a sexual affair.

Your best course of action from here is to provide the just compensation I described with tight boundaries to ensure this never happens again, to never bring it up to your husband again unless he asks, and to affair proof your marriage for the future.

You'll want to freely leave your phone available for your husband's easy access, write down all of your passwords and tape them up in an area he can easily notice, close down all avenues of seeing this man again, and purposefully put him out of your mind forever.

As your husband suggested, you'll also want to focus on meeting each other's emotional needs.

What do you think of this article?

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Thanks for the advice. This whole situation has been a wake up call and eye opener

 

[Snowymtn]

You told your husband he forgave you. Nothing happened more than flirting and talking, and since you saw the wedge that was being created you repented. Now forgive yourself. Learn from the pain and open up to your husband about the things that matter today, not what you talked about with someone else weeks before. Try making your husband your best friend. Try thinking about ways to make him happy and he'll respond by making you happy. Men want their women to love them. Only them. You'll find that weathering the storms of marriage brings you much closer together. Remember, fire tempers steel.

The guilt is really hard on me, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen and even starting down a path that could jeopardize my family and marriage.

 

[Endeavourer]

The guilt is really hard on me, and I am so disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen and even starting down a path that could jeopardize my family and marriage.

Snowymtn, get started with the just compensations that we discussed earlier and it will help bring closure to you about your behavior. That is a plan that has helped 1,000's of couples recover from affairs, whether physical or emotional. Taking action to prevent it from ever happening again will help you release this guilt and move on to make your marriage better than before.

You really need to stop wallowing in these feelings, take action to provide this compensation and then learn how you and your husband can meet each other's emotional needs so well that you can offer your husband a better marriage than what you had before.

Here is a great description of the top several typical emotional needs and quite a bit of backup information about how to address them.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

Once you have taken action, you will feel much better and will be able to put this behind you.

Godspeed, my friend.
E.

 

[Snowymtn]

I don't think he's going to ask.

I don't think that he will want to hear details ...

He's already forgiven you ... be thankful and move forward ...

He just seemed really unphased by the way I told him, like it wasnt a big deal.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Thanks for your sound advice. I guess I should clarify is that I told my husband I think I may have been involved in an emotional affair for the months around my surgery-I told him who it was but did not elaborate on much more than that. He did not have any questions and just said I love you and we need to communicate more. He also said he was probably not the best emotional support during that time..One part that I am having trouble on navigating is maybe I should tell him I was flirty? He didn't ask and I feel like the details will only cause more hurt. Thoughts?

Absolutely understand. You were pretty clear in your original post about what you told your husband - even though I didn't gather it was around the time of your surgery and that you had told your husband who it was. Sis, it looks like you confessed with a repentant heart with highest regard you could for the Lord. Is that right? Is there an indication of how sincere your husband believed you were? It looks like from here that he believes you were telling him from a sincere heart.

I agree with the others' advice that you be willing to answer his questions truthfully as they are raised. But if this is tugging on your heart to approach with more voluntary information, ask the Lord to confirm if He is leading you to offer voluntary information. But make sure it is the Lord alone telling you to do so if you sense a tugging. Otherwise, what do you think of saying this: "Concerning what I shared with you, <Hubby>, just know if you ever want to further discuss or ask questions about my confession, I'm willing to open up."

And in the meantime, nurture your relationship with him with the love of a wife plus supplementally. Perhaps, in addition to affirming your love in words and deeds, write him a sweet note or two every now and then. Begin praying with him often...I don't know. But God can show you. After I discovered my husband's full-blown affair and once I was at a point where I was able to receive any remedies that I couldn't at first, I realized that multiple letters from him helped in addition to creative gestures that money can't buy. And as Farine here on CF has explained to me truthfully, there will never be enough gestures from my wayward husband that can heal me the way God can. There is a huge hole in my heart that only God can heal unlinked to my husband's participation. For your husband, if there is any afterthought that can occur down the road, there are 2 things that I can think of from my own experience (and likely more than 2 that God can reveal):
1) You're at the front-end of any possible future questions that may form within your husband's heart. (From betrayed spouse support groups, I've learned we share the common similarity of asking many questions years after discovery day. Some have asked after repression.) Against any possible future attacks on your husband's mind as a result of your confessed inappropriate friendship, build up a safeguard around your marriage from your end with genuine, meaningful gestures. Maybe, in the event he starts questioning within his heart, he will be able to reflect on your actions that will confirm your true feelings. Speaking from heart-wrenching experience. But you did not do nearly what my husband did. Plus, you surrendered to God before possible further opportunity. (You seem sensitive to boundaries. that's a blessing.) 2) If your husband is a believer, he can come to a place where he relies on the Lord to heal what you would not be able to - again, in connection to what was communicated.

We can see you're really dealing with guilt. Can I suggest that - instead of letting the guilt consume you - you address it with a repentant heart that hungers/thirsts for righteousness. Stand on that passage in the beatitudes and mention it to God in prayer: Matthew 5 - telling you that "blessed are you who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for you shall be filled." Not you MIGHT be filled. But you SHALL be filled. So, coming out of this series of storms (your mom's cancer diagnosis for which you pray, your surgery, and the confession of what's now guilting you), you can take this hunger/thirst you have for righteousness and rest assured that God will fill you with that righteousness. That means a better walk, which we all grow into anyway throughout our faith - from glory to glory, meaning one stage of spiritual growth to the next stage of spiritual growth.

Let God comfort and grow you through this.