Christian single that prefers staying single?

[ThisIsMe123]

Also, the purpose of single groups at churches is not to find a spouse.

What makes you think this? Personally, I think is , thus the "singles" nomenclature.

I mean, I'm sure this isn't the ONLY reason, but it is one of its purposes that it serves.

There's been complaints on other message boards, radio shows, and blogs on how churches are doing LESS of this type of thing and complaints from pastors and ministers from the pulpits that less and less people are marrying or that some are marrying outside their faith.

It has become epidemic. I've even had married men suggest I come visit their church and attend since there were a few single women in the congregation...and they don't even have a singles group. lol

Why?

"For it is not good for man to be alone" Genesis 2:18

Yes, a male co-worker quoted this to me in the context of finding a spouse.

Now, if this person has some healing she needs, that's fine. Then she's there for another purpose that's attributed to singles who are trying to heal...that makes sense. Sometimes you just want fellowship and let things happen organically, which intend to.

I sided with her in her situation, and said it was great she was ministering to that cause, who am I to impede on that?

Like I said, it seems she was somewhat defensive.

 

[timewerx]

Tagged her as a THREAT? That doesn't make any sense.

A 6/10 guy with a 10/10 lady doesn't make sense. I don't even have a car! I can drive ofc, been driving for nearly 20 years (inc under-aged driving!). I just can't afford a car atm.

You're just assuming....You an expert on women or something? I would thought nothing of it.

NO! That's why things doesn't add up...

Why not give it a shot? Just ask out to dinner, no biggie. You now just coming up with excuses not to go out with someone?

That was year ago and I don't see her anymore, probably living in another country already.

Btw, that pickup line isn't for a man to use but for a woman to use. And I tell you, it it's quite effective! It's even easy to answer, just say, take out to coffee or dinner!

I don't have an excuse. It's just hard for me to trust a 10/10. However, if someone I closely knew and I trust introduced us, then I would absolutely ask her out!

 

[ThisIsMe123]

A 6/10 guy with a 10/10 lady doesn't make sense. I don't even have a car! I can drive ofc, been driving for nearly 20 years (inc under-aged driving!). I just can't afford a car atm.



NO! That's why things doesn't add up...



That was year ago and I don't see her anymore, probably living in another country already.

Btw, that pickup line isn't for a man to use but for a woman to use. And I tell you, it it's quite effective! It's even easy to answer, just say, take out to coffee or dinner!

I don't have an excuse. It's just hard for me to trust a 10/10. However, if someone I closely knew and I trust introduced us, then I would absolutely ask her out!

You're problem is that you're using a rating system here. The key here is confidence, she gave you an opening and you an opportunity.

Do not rely on others to introduce you.

Confidence is an attractive quality in a man...next time something like this happens, go along with it and ask said woman who gives you a signal her number.

As far as no car, yeah, that can be a turn off to any woman. So you may want to work on that first....work on getting the basics first.

 

[timewerx]

You're problem is that you're using a rating system here. The key here is confidence, she gave you an opening and you an opportunity.

She looked exactly like Rooney Mara. She looked exactly like this when I met her:

Rooney Mara in Talks to Play Mary Magdalene

Very stange thing to note, she's exactly the same height too....

Confidence is an attractive quality in a man...next time something like this happens, go along with it and ask said woman who gives you a signal her number.

I was just standing there like a plank.... I did *plainly* ask her for assistance in the most neutral fashion. I wasn't trying to hit on her. I wasn't even smiling! However, she came back at me with a big smile and eager eyes and that "ask me out" line.

Ironically, asking for assistance is one of my "open up a conversation" strategy. However, I did genuinely needed help that time and I wasn't in a mood for dates.

As far as no car, yeah, that can be a turn off to any woman. So you may want to work on that first....work on getting the basics first.

I'm still building my little business. It's making a bit of money now but not enough atm to afford a car.

 

[Rajni]

So you let him go just like that, no struggle, didnot even try to reason with him?

Did you purposely do that so your ex husband won't feel bad or guilty leaving you? Spare him the trouble of negative/heavy emotions?

What makes you say that?

The thread coming to a "screeching halt" had nothing to do with your question. And yes, previous posters in that thread already said they were married and divorced. Ie Dayhiker....10 yr marriage.

He wasn't among those making presumptuous statements about why people would get divorced.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

However, she came back at me with a big smile and eager eyes and that "ask me out" line.

Well, if you think about it, she's just doing her job and doing her customer service thing. Kind of like a waitress.

 

[timewerx]

Well, if you think about it, she's just doing her job and doing her customer service thing. Kind of like a waitress.

She wasn't actually. In fact, she wasn't supposed to be there.

Things didn't add up as I said before. I don't wish to find out!

There are many many more ladies out there who makes a lot more sense that I could trust. I'm not really after supermodel looks.

 

[timewerx]

What makes you say that?

You seemed like you want to minimize hurt feelings in your separation.

If you pleaded with your ex to stay, it could leave him with guilty feelings divorcing you. But at least that will confirm to him that you loved him to the very end.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

She wasn't actually. In fact, she wasn't supposed to be there.

Things didn't add up as I said before. I don't wish to find out!

There are many many more ladies out there who makes a lot more sense that I could trust. I'm not really after supermodel looks.

I personally know a photographer and model that have been married for 8 years. He even says himself he's an ugly guy that just got lucky finding a wife like her. I do concur, they do look like a mismatched couple when the enter the room. They don't eve look like they belong together (don't add up), but apparently, she loves him for his personality.

I guess she got sick of hunkie guys objectifying her.

 

[Left]

This may sound crude, but I find in situations where an attractive woman is attracted to me, I don't even let her know she's out of my league.

 

[Rajni]

You seemed like you want to minimize hurt feelings in your separation.

If you pleaded with your ex to stay, it could leave him with guilty feelings divorcing you. But at least that will confirm to him that you loved him to the very end.

I still care for him, just more as a friend than in a wifely capacity.

I'm sharing only a snapshot, in a few posts here and there, of something that transpired over the course of 21 years of marriage, so while it may seem like it happened, as you had stated, just-like-that with no struggle or reasoning things through, it was far more involved than that (marriage usually is).

Nor was my handling of it expressly to spare him guilt feelings about leaving or to minimize the pain overall, though I'll admit I'm not inclined wax bleeding-heart over whatever wrongs I believe I had experienced. I'm not perfect, so I'm not going to insist that anyone else be perfect to make me happy. That's not his job, nor anyone else's.

Our split was never of the "War of the Roses" variety, though. In fact, I dare say it was more amicable than some ongoing marriages are!

 

[Rajni]

"For it is not good for man to be alone" Genesis 2:18

Yes, a male co-worker quoted this to me in the context of finding a spouse.

If he brings it up again, I would advise him to take a closer look at that verse, and the context in which it is stated. The actual rendering is: "For it is not good for the man to be alone". Your co-worker left out the "the" in that verse, which was specifically referring to Adam, the only human existing at the time. The verse isn't speaking of mankind across the board.

 

[timewerx]

I personally know a photographer and model that have been married for 8 years. He even says himself he's an ugly guy that just got lucky finding a wife like her. I do concur, they do look like a mismatched couple when the enter the room. They don't eve look like they belong together (don't add up), but apparently, she loves him for his personality.

I guess she got sick of hunkie guys objectifying her.

I actually see such pairings often....But I also observe the lady checking out good-looking men often!

And I mean taking long, good look, not just a glance! So it may not be a totally good idea

But I get your point, if a woman is actually hitting on you and you find her very interesting, why not?? Of course, I wouldn't object if trust isn't an issue and the pieces fit, nothing fishy going on.

 

[Left]

Me (left) with a beautiful woman (right):

 

[timewerx]

I still care for him, just more as a friend than in a wifely capacity.

I'm sharing only a snapshot, in a few posts here and there, of something that transpired over the course of 21 years of marriage, so while it may seem like it happened, as you had stated, just-like-that with no struggle or reasoning things through, it was far more involved than that (marriage usually is).

Nor was my handling of it expressly to spare him guilt feelings about leaving or to minimize the pain overall, though I'll admit I'm not inclined wax bleeding-heart over whatever wrongs I believe I had experienced. I'm not perfect, so I'm not going to insist that anyone else be perfect to make me happy. That's not his job, nor anyone else's.

Our split was never of the "War of the Roses" variety, though. In fact, I dare say it was more amicable than some ongoing marriages are!

I get it now especially when you said it transpired for 21 years.

21 years not so bad! I remember my parents almost split up also after around 20 years of marriage. They went to counseling with my uncle who's a pastor and decided to not split up and compromise more just for the sake of the kids. It was a financially difficult period and it may have been a factor as well.

 

[timewerx]

This may sound crude, but I find in situations where an attractive woman is attracted to me, I don't even let her know she's out of my league.

There's nothing wrong with it as long as the woman isn't only just using or exploiting you.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, I really don't see the point in joining a singles-focused group if you're not wanting to date. Aren't there other ministries for that kind of thing like divorce recovery or something similar?

This group does have its prayer group, but it does schedule fun events like going out to eat right after that...or even a movie night out, or what-not. They get out and socialize.

I dunno, I just can't fathom joining a singles group and then deliberately go against the grain...esp. in the first few sentences in a conversation.

That's like a customer walking into a car salesroom and when a salesperson comes out to greet them, the customer exclaims, "I'm not here to buy anything!!"

Sounds like she was there to heal and help others heal, while you were there to meet somebody. Nothing's wrong with either of those, but it is a bit awkward to put people with those two different intentions in the same room.

I dunno, I live in an area where this area's method of operation is to get married right after high school and have kids. When I was at work, this extremely religious guy found out that I wasnt' married, and he was like "What? God says that it's not good for a man to be alone!"

I was like, "Hey, it's not for the lack of trying! Ya gotta find a willing partner. lol"

Where I live, the majority of 30 and 40-somethings are still married. This isn't the kind of place where you can just approach a lady at a coffee shop or book store and strike up a conversation and hope for the best...as usually the hubby is in the same vicinity. lol

In which case, it makes perfect sense that some singles want to socialize. When your friends get married and have kids (and sometimes move for their sakes), then you lose a big part of your social life because their time goes to their families. You basically have to reinvent the wheel with your friendships constantly.

Now for me personally, I am not as needy as some people for having relationships. I can see the advantages to being single. Mainly because there are disadvantages that people who are married experience, especially if it is a bad marriage that they are in. My coworkers have many similar interests and tendencies to me, but the downside of that is many of them are divorced or have had live-in relationships fall apart. That may mean I'm screwed, but I hope it doesn't. Either way, I don't want to go through the same crap. No relationship is better than a bad one.

 

[kittysbecute]

Well, I really don't see the point in joining a singles-focused group if you're not wanting to date. Aren't there other ministries for that kind of thing like divorce recovery or something similar?

This group does have its prayer group, but it does schedule fun events like going out to eat right after that...or even a movie night out, or what-not. They get out and socialize.

I dunno, I just can't fathom joining a singles group and then deliberately go against the grain...esp. in the first few sentences in a conversation.

That's like a customer walking into a car salesroom and when a salesperson comes out to greet them, the customer exclaims, "I'm not here to buy anything!!"

What is the goal of your singles group? I've never attended one. Is the purpose a "dating" group or a "fellowship for singles" group? Those two things are not the same thing. So I agree with you if the stated purpose of the group is for dating. Then people who don't want to date don't really have a purpose there. If the purpose is just for fellowship then your analogy doesn't really work. If it's a fellowship group then there will be a mix of singles. Some of them of course may be going as a way to meet people to date. But others may not be. I don't think either is wrong. But unless it is a "dating" group all singles should be welcome, even if some are not interested in seeking someone in the group to date.

 

[Saucy]

As someone who ran a singles group before for nearly a decade, I can tell you there's a good reason to have just a 'singles' group for that age range. We started out the group including married couples of the same age and it didn't turn out too well. There's just a difference between married and single people, even of the same age. They have different needs and are in different phases of their life.

So, I don't believe saying a group is a 'singles' group is meant to indicate that's where they go to meet other singles and potentially start a relationship. There can be many people there who are like me and others who've posted saying they're content with their singleness and just doing their thing.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

What makes you think this? Personally, I think is , thus the "singles" nomenclature.

I mean, I'm sure this isn't the ONLY reason, but it is one of its purposes that it serves.

I sided with her in her situation, and said it was great she was ministering to that cause, who am I to impede on that?

Like I said, it seems she was somewhat defensive.

I think you have successfully turned what was an ant hill into a freaking mountain. Could it be that you simply misinterpreted her reaction to your nosy questions? What may have seemed 'defensive' to you could merely have been this woman becoming alarmed that you were interested in her and were about to ask her out and she simply spoke in haste, making it perhaps overly clear that she has no intention (for the time being at least) of dating anyone in the church singles group.

Again, the PRIMARY PURPOSE of a church group for singles is NOT for dating. The group is a ministry, a fellowship, a gathering of unmarried (not necessarily unattached) men and women to interact and study/discuss God's Word for the purpose of growing together in Him.

If you are attending your church's singles group for the sole purpose of finding yourself a woman, then you are the one who needs to re-evaluate why you're a part of this specific group, not the woman your OP is about. ...Look, it's great if you ended up finding someone from this group, but again, you haven't joined a singles dating group, you've joined a Christian ministry of fellowship for unmarried brothers and sisters in Christ. Do yourself a favor and treat it as such.

Here on CF, our Singles Only area is adamantly declared for fellowship only, not dating. I've been a member of CF for 12 years and I can tell you that there have been a handful of members in Singles who hit it off, met outside of CF, and married. Where this is great, it is not the norm, and certainly not the purpose of CF Singles.

Bottom line: I think you need to get your priorities straight. Are you specifically attending your church's singles group for the one and only purpose of finding a woman to date/marry or are you there for the ministry and fellowship? If you're there for the first, then I suggest, with respect, that you find a different group to join; a young adults Bible study for example. That way there is no confusion on what the purpose of the group is for.