How to convince my older sister NOT to divorce her husband...

[PrimPoisePiety]

My sister and I grew up as very conservative, traditional Catholics. I still am today.

Recently she confessed to me that's she's been "falling out of love" with her husband, and has been seriously considering filing for divorce. They have three little girls together. She made no mention of abuse, and I'm positive she would have told me if this were the case...it sounds more like "irreconcilable differences" or one of those cop out justifications. Besides, her husband is very happy-go-lucky and doesn't strike me as the abusive/violent type...

I tried steering her away from the idea, but no luck. She said that she expected me to be supportive of her decision, and that she was disappointed with me and my response.

I understand the matter of divorce is contentious...but I genuinely believe my sister is going to ruin her own life, the lives of her children, and probably her husbands...I'm petrified for her own sake...she's forgotten that family is paramount to our faith

Please, how can I convince her otherwise? How can I--at the very least--get her to reconsider?

 

[paul1149]

I can only offer the basics. Don't compromise the truth. There is already far too much of that, and it's what has gotten our society into the mess it is in. But don't limit your love either. "Speak the truth in love, one to another", Ephesians says.

Keep prayerful on it as well. They may come a moment when your sister has doubts about her course, and at that moment you might have the right word - the apple of gold in a setting of silver, as Proverbs says - to open the eyes of her heart. That can't happen if all communication is cut off, though I could see how the relationship might be strained.

People in a position of relationship with those who are faltering can have a huge salvific effect. So keep your hopes up and keep praying.

 

[Sketcher]

I don't know if the way you responded shut her down to anything you might possibly say or not. I generally try to ask questions and go after the problems with what the person wants to do rather than go after the person.

 

[ValleyGal]

Imo, the only thing you can do without coming across as judgey, is to offer support such as helping her find a good, qualified counsellor, or asking her what her husband thinks of divorce. Her decisions have to be based on her own ideas and values, not yours. And her values might be very different than the ones you grew up with.

Other ways you can support without coming across as judgey might be to talk about how her husband might feel in the marriage, how to rekindle what she had, or to talk about the phases long term marriages go through. It is completely normal for couples to sort of feel like the "in-love" part fades - but that is when it can become a more mature love based on mutual respect and friendship rather than hormonal or chemical attractions (which is what the in-love feelings really are).

You can also see if she likes to read. There is a pretty easy-read book by Lewis Smedes called "Learning to Live the Love we Promise." It is based on the premise that commitment is made up of two parts - care and consistency. You can have one without the other, but commitment requires both - in addition to the idea that you also have to be consistently caring. If she does not care anymore, then she is not committed and chances are it will be impossible to get that back. But there are ways to nurture caring for your spouse. A counsellor can help her with that. But the flip side of that is the recipient of the care and consistency will feel significant and secure. If her husband does not feel significant and secure, then he may have a lot of pain that he will have to work through in order to really restore their marriage.

All that said, imo, it is best you stay out and let her work out her own marriage and pray for them.

 

[LoricaLady]

Ditto to the above. You can also pray for Holy Spirit guidance on what to say, if anything. I would be temped to ask her to think of the children and to look at the statistics on how children do coming from a broken home. But, again, let the Holy Spirit be your guide.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

My sister and I grew up as very conservative, traditional Catholics. I still am today.

Recently she confessed to me that's she's been "falling out of love" with her husband, and has been seriously considering filing for divorce. They have three little girls together. She made no mention of abuse, and I'm positive she would have told me if this were the case...it sounds more like "irreconcilable differences" or one of those cop out justifications. Besides, her husband is very happy-go-lucky and doesn't strike me as the abusive/violent type...

I tried steering her away from the idea, but no luck. She said that she expected me to be supportive of her decision, and that she was disappointed with me and my response.

I understand the matter of divorce is contentious...but I genuinely believe my sister is going to ruin her own life, the lives of her children, and probably her husbands...I'm petrified for her own sake...she's forgotten that family is paramount to our faith

Please, how can I convince her otherwise? How can I--at the very least--get her to reconsider?

You have tried to do that already, voicing your opinions when it's not asked for will only serve to put a wall up between you and your sister...because you two
aren't in agreement on the subject... so she's not going to "hear" what you have
to say.
What you can do is pray for all of them, show them agape and live out the faith
regardless whether they continue in marriage or not.