I'm sorry to hear about your distress. I'm wondering, have you ever given into Jesus 100% at any point in your life? And if so was there ever a super intense natural high that resulted from doing so, a specific type of natural high that never ever surfaces outside of meditation on Jesus? A natural high that can literally melt stress away at times? I'm interested in your answer because of your experiences! I have spent many years abandoning Christianity, many many times!! Anyway, I found that there was a point in my life when I SINCERELY prayed Jesus into my life (age 18). It was almost as if I made some kind of 'Emotional Pact' with him from that point on, a pact that I could no longer seem to back out of (no matter how much I wanted out, and boy did I want out many times). Before 18 I could do anything I wanted and sleep like a baby. After 18 I all the sudden was the poster child for insomnia. Now on the positive side...after 18 there existed this very specific natural high that ONLY existed for me in a state of Jesus meditation. But I spent years and years walking out on Jesus, and sleep and stress was very very horrible for me.
So after 18 two things changed, #1 I had higher rates of stress when I 'Dumped Jesus' (which was by far the norm and not the exception). And #2 there was this natural high at my disposal that was never there before 18, nor does it ever exist outside of Jesus thoughts. Where am I going with this? I was just wondering if maybe you prayed Jesus into your life at one time, and afterwards you have a habit of 'Dumping Him' in some sort of way on a regular basis? Or I'm wondering if maybe you never actually legitimately prayed him into your life at all, but think you did? In which case maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about with these unique Jesus natural highs.
If I'm 100% wrong about this I apologize. But I figured why not take a stab at it in case I'm right. It's definitely true that in my experience that once you 'Pray Jesus into your life' you make a pact, and you can no longer back out of the deal...you are forever on a higher rate of stress when you have your back turned to him. Believe I've been living in this pact for over 20 years, let's call it the 'Post Saved' lifestyle pact. Recently in life I had nothing left and I gave into Jesus out of pure exhaustion. Sleep has been a lot better. Stress has been so much lower. Again I apologize if I'm wrong! I'm no expert, I was just wondering if maybe you're like I was??