(serious discussion) Thoughts of suicide....I need help please!!!

[Crystalp8]

Ok,so I posted my story when I joined but I'll do so again for those who haven't read it....


To start off,for years now I have been diagnosed with severe depression,anxiety disorder & now in the past few months,a new one.... PTSD.


Well,it started the summer before last. 2015. Me & my now ex husband split. I was crushed. So I spent the next 4 months piecing life together. In October,I met a really funny & great guy named Jamie. It took me a lil bit to warm up to him but soon I loved him. Was in love with him. That coming up march,I found out I had to have a partial hysterectomy. So I had it. Jamie was right by my side. A few weeks after that,I found out my only sibling,my little brother,was killed in a fatal car crash. Sadly,his wife gave birth to my niece a few weeks after that. It was the most bitter sweet mom of my life. She looks just like him! Again,Jamie was there for me. A few weeks after that,my youngest son,donavin,was in a wreck on his way to prom & was blessed to have walked away. My heart stopped! Again,Jamie was there. Then last summer about this time,I tore my ACL in my knee & had to have another surgery. Along with physical therapy & time off work. Jamie was there. My grandma passed away Christmas. He was there. We had a few more rough financial times Alon the way. It's been about a month now since we split. I love this man. I would have done anything for this man. On my life! But he beat me several times. Once in front of his 12 year old son. But I loved him. He was talking to his ex wife & ex girlfriend behind my back. He's a meth head come to find out & so we're they. So we split & I got an order of protection against him. Him & his ex girlfriend he moved in when I left would make fake Facebook profiles & harass me. His sister has harassed me. I had to go to court over the no contact charge. He stared at me the whole time shaking his head. Keep in mind Jamie is a convicted felon & still on fellony probation for pulling a gun on someone. He says I've slandared him online. But when people ask me what happened,I told them the truth. He won't give me my furniture back so I'm having to take him to small claims court to try to get it back. It was all mine when we moved in. Idk why he wants to keep it anyway. On top of all that the past month,I was in the hospital Tuesday for a kidney stone & my breaks went out on my truck....it seems to never end!

A little back history too...I was raised Christian. Went to a Christian School. My papaw was a preacher. I've always been familiar with the Lord. That being said,my parents divorced long ago. Dad was an alcoholic. My parents were teenagers in the 70s. So their old partiers I guess. They're different now,but I grew up with alot of insecurities & low self esteem. Which I still run from & seek answers for to this day.

I feel like my entire life has been one battle after another. Of course I have had wonderful memories along the way. But I've always felt set apart somehow. my grandmother was god sent in helping teach me about god too.

It's been a month since my split. I still cry at least once a day. But with prayer & seeking god,I think I've discovered that I'm mourning the death of who I thought he was. Who I built him up in my mind to be. I feel like I'm learning from all this that a relationship with someone can be an idol. We can loose sight of God & place a human relationship above one with God. The Bible says he's a jealous god. And we shall not have any idols & whatnot before him. Is this the lesson he's trying to teach me? I've asked the Lord to help me listen when he's speaking & for wisdom to understand. I'll admit,I'm afraid of being alone. I love to love a special someone,but I'm coming to realize I need to seek GOD first & not look for a relationship to validate my worth in him or anything else.

I've been suicidal before & how easy would it be to give in & go to sleep forever? But I can't do that to my boys or family. I'm only 39 & I feel like my life has become this huge mess in such a short amount of time. I have so many questions I'll share on here in time,but I would love to speak to anyone who can relate to my situation or anyone I guess. I just need help.

Thanks to each of you for reading this & taking the time to give my struggle some prayer. You are appreciated more than you know!!

 

[ripple the car]

I'm thankful you left this guy. God has better plans for you, dear. You've had a *very* rough time. I've also struggled with thoughts of suicide, depression, and post-traumatic stress. It stinks. But these feelings aren't neccesarily permanent.

Get into the Scriptures. Get closer to Christ. Pray, study, take care of your soul. If it's ok to ask, how did you and your husband wind up drifting apart?

 

[jesusandrainbows]

First off, don't commit suicide. I attempted that once, and I'm here to tell you: You WILL go to a land of darkness, and I'm here to tell you, that land of darkness is worse and more terrifying than anything you could ever imagine. So get those thoughts out of your head and move on from there. Definitely pray for Jesus to take those thoughts away forever.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Just keep moving forward. I've been suicidal before, and managed to overcome it. Pray, seek counseling, and keep looking for hope no matter how hopeless it seems.

If it ever just feels too much, please talk to someone...
Crisis Hotlines & Resources

 

[jesusandrainbows]

Seek God. Pray. Follow Him, even if it hurts, because He has something so amazing for you.

Also, if you happen to be on meth as well, be aware that suicidal depressions can occur because of meth. So push through that.
If you can't seem to avoid making an attempt on your life, go to the hospital. They will keep you 3-10 days, that is the usual. And 3 days is the most usual for suicidal people, so that should comfort you. Stays longer than that are more so for things like psychotic episodes. This is if you are in America. I don't know about elsewhere.

 

[Crystalp8]

Seek God. Pray. Follow Him, even if it hurts, because He has something so amazing for you.

Also, if you happen to be on meth as well, be aware that suicidal depressions can occur because of meth. So push through that.
If you can't seem to avoid making an attempt on your life, go to the hospital. They will keep you 3-10 days, that is the usual. And 3 days is the most usual for suicidal people, so that should comfort you. Stays longer than that are more so for things like psychotic episodes. This is if you are in America. I don't know about elsewhere.

I'm not on meth but he got back on it. One of the reasons I left. I'm in Arkansas actually. And really it's not so much "suicidal" I'm feeling,but a longing to go home to the Lord. Sometimes I just look at pics of my brother at his funeral,& all I can think is how I'd love to be with him & loved ones who have gone on before. Just to have some peace.

 

[Crystalp8]

I'm thankful you left this guy. God has better plans for you, dear. You've had a *very* rough time. I've also struggled with thoughts of suicide, depression, and post-traumatic stress. It stinks. But these feelings aren't neccesarily permanent.

Get into the Scriptures. Get closer to Christ. Pray, study, take care of your soul. If it's ok to ask, how did you and your husband wind up drifting apart?

Well my husband I met before Jamie turned into an alcoholic. I couldn't deal with it. Also this has caused alot of self esteem issues. Am I so bad I drive men to this? Or am i just a bad judge of character?

 

[Crystalp8]

Just keep moving forward. I've been suicidal before, and managed to overcome it. Pray, seek counseling, and keep looking for hope no matter how hopeless it seems.

If it ever just feels too much, please talk to someone...
Crisis Hotlines & Resources

I'm doing my best! Thank you!

 

[jesusandrainbows]

God is here, Crystal. You can't get to him by taking your life. You can get to Him through prayer, repentance, and seeking Him truly. The Spirit gives peace. The Spirit is life, not death. God is the God of the living, not the dead. God is here, now, Crystal. All you have to do is hold out, look for him, pray for Him, ask Him to talk to you... ask for Him, Crystal. Your home is here, you just haven't found it yet.

 

[jesusandrainbows]

You will find your home when you find God. Seek Him. Here and now. In life, because that is where He is. Pray to Him about what I'm telling you, for understanding and revelation in the matter. He will give to those who ask.

 

[ripple the car]

Well my husband I met before Jamie turned into an alcoholic. I couldn't deal with it. Also this has caused alot of self esteem issues. Am I so bad I drive men to this? Or am i just a bad judge of character?

I think, dear, that people are deeply troubled, and that anyone a person might meet and marry can fall into sin, addiction, bad habits, crabbiness, and abusiveness in some form. We assume that a good or worth-staying-in marriage means that our other half will be mature, stable, loving, and pleasant, but that's usually not the case. Sometimes it is, and that's great. But many times it is not.

 

[Crystalp8]

God is here, Crystal. You can't get to him by taking your life. You can get to Him through prayer, repentance, and seeking Him truly. The Spirit gives peace. The Spirit is life, not death. God is the God of the living, not the dead. God is here, now, Crystal. All you have to do is hold out, look for him, pray for Him, ask Him to talk to you... ask for Him, Crystal. Your home is here, you just haven't found it yet.

Thank you. I was "saved & baptised" at 13,but grew up & got busy with life & got away from the Lord a while. But I've never not believed in him. Maybe like I said this is a wake up call from the Lord? I'd like to think it is. But if it is,it hurts! I loved Jamie so very much! I would've done anything for him. But he chose that life over me & there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told,especially with Jamie's background as a convicted felon on felony probation,that since he went back to that life,God may be protecting me in the long run. I prayed for him. Even got him to read in his Bible some. Why wasn't my love & prayers enough?

 

[jesusandrainbows]

I've been exactly through what you are going through regarding a man, Crystal. God had me leave this particular man, and I couldn't understand why and I cried daily in prayer but continued in obedience (thank God)... that man didn't love me, Crystal, and I think you are right by thinking it to be an idolatry of sorts. God has a plan, Crystal. Trust in Him and follow.
I know how you feel.
Possibly you feel "Hey, I was making a difference in his life, bringing him closer to Jesus... leading him into eternal salvation!!!"
Let God do that.
God knows our hearts, Crystal, so He sees alot of things we don't.
Follow God.
He's good.
Trust His perception, not yours.

 

[Crystalp8]

I think, dear, that people are deeply troubled, and that anyone a person might meet and marry can fall into sin, addiction, bad habits, crabbiness, and abusiveness in some form. We assume that a good or worth-staying-in marriage means that our other half will be mature, stable, loving, and pleasant, but that's usually not the case. Sometimes it is, and that's great. But many times it is not.

Yes your right. Maybe I try to fix people? I have so many questions about myself & things. I guess I'll ask them here in time. I'm so glad I found this place!

 

[paul1149]

But with prayer & seeking god,I think I've discovered that I'm mourning the death of who I thought he was. Who I built him up in my mind to be. I feel like I'm learning from all this that a relationship with someone can be an idol. We can loose sight of God & place a human relationship above one with God. The Bible says he's a jealous god. And we shall not have any idols & whatnot before him. Is this the lesson he's trying to teach me? I've asked the Lord to help me listen when he's speaking & for wisdom to understand. I'll admit,I'm afraid of being alone. I love to love a special someone,but I'm coming to realize I need to seek GOD first & not look for a relationship to validate my worth in him or anything else.

You've given most of the answers right there. You're on the right track, though it's emotionally difficult now. Keep putting God first. In time it will get better. Learn what He values in relationships. Learn how valuable you are to Him, so that you won't be overly dependent on affirmation from others. Find where you fit into His kingdom, where you will be able to give and receive love in a healthy way. He loves you like no one else can, and keeping yourself in that love will be a protection to you. Be patient and persistent.

 

[Crystalp8]

I've been exactly through what you are going through regarding a man, Crystal. God had me leave this particular man, and I couldn't understand why and I cried daily in prayer but continued in obedience (thank God)... that man didn't love me, Crystal, and I think you are right by thinking it to be an idolatry of sorts. God has a plan, Crystal. Trust in Him and follow.
I know how you feel.
Possibly you feel "Hey, I was making a difference in his life, bringing him closer to Jesus... leading him into eternal salvation!!!"
Let God do that.
God knows our hearts, Crystal, so He sees alot of things we don't.
Follow God.
He's good.
Trust His perception, not yours.

Yes yes yes!!!!

 

[Crystalp8]

You've given most of the answers right there. You're on the right track, though it's emotionally difficult now. Keep putting God first. In time it will get better. Learn what He values in relationships. Learn how valuable you are to Him, so that you won't be overly dependent on affirmation from others. Find where you fit into His kingdom, where you will be able to give and receive love in a healthy way. He loves you like no one else can, and keeping yourself in that love will be a protection to you. Be patient and persistent.

Amen! Oh it hurts so bad!! But I will praise him in this storm. Please pray for me. I'm just getting back to God & sometimes I feel like my prayers are too weak to reach heaven. I know they do. I guess it just feels that way

 

[ripple the car]

Thank you. I was "saved & baptised" at 13,but grew up & got busy with life & got away from the Lord a while. But I've never not believed in him. Maybe like I said this is a wake up call from the Lord? I'd like to think it is. But if it is,it hurts! I loved Jamie so very much! I would've done anything for him. But he chose that life over me & there's nothing I can do about it. I've been told,especially with Jamie's background as a convicted felon on felony probation,that since he went back to that life,God may be protecting me in the long run. I prayed for him. Even got him to read in his Bible some. Why wasn't my love & prayers enough?

Dear.... God has a plan for you that does not involve going from a marriage to a relationship. That may sound shocking or weird, but though most Protestants don't give it a second thought, I'm of the opinion that a Christian marriage is forever, though husband and wife may be separated by distance.

Our society teaches us that we must be sexually and emotionally involved with someone to be normal and happy. That's untrue. This can be a time to step back, focus on your own soul, and renew your relationship with Christ. Give your heart a much needed respite and learn to seek your life's meaning in Him, not in being with someone. You've lost a lot recently. Let Christ heal, lead, and direct your life.

 

[jesusandrainbows]

Amen! Oh it hurts so bad!! But I will praise him in this storm. Please pray for me. I'm just getting back to God & sometimes I feel like my prayers are too weak to reach heaven. I know they do. I guess it just feels that way

"Feelings aren't facts."
c:
I hope this encourages you.

 

[Crystalp8]

Dear.... God has a plan for you that does not involve going from a marriage to a relationship. That may sound shocking or weird, but though most Protestants don't give it a second thought, I'm of the opinion that a Christian marriage is forever, though husband and wife may be separated by distance.

Our society teaches us that we must be sexually and emotionally involved with someone to be normal and happy. That's untrue. This can be a time to step back, focus on your own soul, and renew your relationship with Christ. Give your heart a much needed respite and learn to seek your life's meaning in Him, not in being with someone. You've lost a lot recently. Let Christ heal, lead, and direct your life.

Amen! This is what I desire to do instead of drowning my sorrow in drugs or anything else. I have that choice,but I choose to lean on god.