Hatred toward God. Please Help

[Andrew Parson]

Hello, sorry this is probably in the wrong area. I wasn't sure where to post this, please feel free to move it or let me know and I can post in the right area.

I first was introduced to Christianity in a very charismatic college ministry that I now believe taught a lot of error.
When I graduated I got involved in habitual sin pretty bad and had a strange experience where I came to the point where I didn't want to repent and deeply questioned God's goodness and whether or not His laws were fair. This so deeply affected me that I began to wonder if God could lie, taking this to it's conclusion I didn't know if I could believe that reality was real since I couldn't know if God were being honest with me. I know that sounds crazy but I mention it just to show how deeply I questioned God's character. I realized that is a crazy idea so I was able to sort of pull back and re-calibrate my life. I knew I needed to get back in the word and in prayer and cut off my sin. It took a long time to get any amount of victory but eventually I was able to grit my teeth and get rid of the sin for the most part.

I then came to the doctrines of grace (not important if you don't believe in them), and they showed me what biblical Christianity looked like. This was something I hadn't seen before in my Pentecostal circles where my faith was all about me and making me happy basically.

Since then I have gained a lot of knowledge but I'm not sure I am genuinely born again because I haven't been able to get rid of the questions about God deeply. I want to become a full fledged Christian or come back to right fellowship (whatever language you want to use). I am trying to repent and believe but I keep feeling the pull of the world and my flesh wanting to do whatever I want and make my own rules. And I haven't been able to let go and trust God fully, I am pretty sure this all stems from a lack of trust in God and His character.

I deep down think that I hate God. I know I have no reason to hate Him, I know He is good but my heart doesn't seem convinced. I have been stuck in this stage for months now and I am afraid that I am either going to fall away by just acting out against God or just drift away and give up hope. I attend a church regularly, have talked to my pastor and other Godly men but it is like deep down my heart is bent on a war with God and I can't make it stop. I have been praying for help and reading the bible with a focus on the Gospels (I thought getting a better look at Jesus might help). I know it is my responsibility to repent and I know it is my fault that I am struggling with this (unbelief and love of the world are on me, not God). I can't seem to find Godly sorrow because I can't seem to stop waring against God in my heart (can't feel sorry deeply for sinning against someone you don't like).

I don't really know what I am looking for, I am sort of hoping someone will say something that will make me come to my senses and let go and just trust God. Any advice would be appreciated

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you. Prayer and the Scriptures are the vital elements in the life of the believer in the Lord Jesus; the believer needs to keep 'looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the Cross' (Hebrews 12.2).

 

[northern lights]

Hello

I struggle.

What do you think of people who hate the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit because they hate righteousness?

NT authors often refer to OT Scripture, and I know why. Each author knew of the Father's love for them, the Father's love for His Son, Jesus, and the love of the Holy Spirit. Jesus' ministry is full of love, mercy and self control. "It is written", Jesus said firmly so as not to be tempted.

The Book of Isaiah was one of the first books that brought me closer to Jesus.

 

[RaphaCam]

You may find some refuge in the Book of Psalms, where many Old Testament saints praised God's goodness and mercy. I also like Confessions, by St. Augustine, where we can see a visceral self-report of how great God is and how life-changing His hand can be.

Remember: there are powers in this world feeding from the hatred of God, and, even if you can't just "get used" to the Almighty, He sees you trying. Keep strong.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

Hello, sorry this is probably in the wrong area. I wasn't sure where to post this, please feel free to move it or let me know and I can post in the right area.

I first was introduced to Christianity in a very charismatic college ministry that I now believe taught a lot of error.
When I graduated I got involved in habitual sin pretty bad and had a strange experience where I came to the point where I didn't want to repent and deeply questioned God's goodness and whether or not His laws were fair. This so deeply affected me that I began to wonder if God could lie, taking this to it's conclusion I didn't know if I could believe that reality was real since I couldn't know if God were being honest with me. I know that sounds crazy but I mention it just to show how deeply I questioned God's character. I realized that is a crazy idea so I was able to sort of pull back and re-calibrate my life. I knew I needed to get back in the word and in prayer and cut off my sin. It took a long time to get any amount of victory but eventually I was able to grit my teeth and get rid of the sin for the most part.

I then came to the doctrines of grace (not important if you don't believe in them), and they showed me what biblical Christianity looked like. This was something I hadn't seen before in my Pentecostal circles where my faith was all about me and making me happy basically.

Since then I have gained a lot of knowledge but I'm not sure I am genuinely born again because I haven't been able to get rid of the questions about God deeply. I want to become a full fledged Christian or come back to right fellowship (whatever language you want to use). I am trying to repent and believe but I keep feeling the pull of the world and my flesh wanting to do whatever I want and make my own rules. And I haven't been able to let go and trust God fully, I am pretty sure this all stems from a lack of trust in God and His character.

I deep down think that I hate God. I know I have no reason to hate Him, I know He is good but my heart doesn't seem convinced. I have been stuck in this stage for months now and I am afraid that I am either going to fall away by just acting out against God or just drift away and give up hope. I attend a church regularly, have talked to my pastor and other Godly men but it is like deep down my heart is bent on a war with God and I can't make it stop. I have been praying for help and reading the bible with a focus on the Gospels (I thought getting a better look at Jesus might help). I know it is my responsibility to repent and I know it is my fault that I am struggling with this (unbelief and love of the world are on me, not God). I can't seem to find Godly sorrow because I can't seem to stop waring against God in my heart (can't feel sorry deeply for sinning against someone you don't like).

I don't really know what I am looking for, I am sort of hoping someone will say something that will make me come to my senses and let go and just trust God. Any advice would be appreciated

First, let me assure you of three things. One, you are perfectly normal, and quite honest and frank in your post, which is likely an indication of just how desperate you feel. That's actually a very good thing.

Two, part of what's driving you mad is your trying to rid yourself of sin. You only need to repent and believe (in the gospel). Trying to clean yourself up is a fools errand, but God is letting you try, because He loves you. When you wear yourself out, you will begin to understand that Christianity is: Jesus lived the life you should have lived and died the death you should have died, on your behalf.

Three, stick with the doctrines of grace. That's the only cure for your "illness".

Read the story of Martin Luther some time soon. He hated God, and I suspect, for the very same reason you do.

May the Lord bring you peace,

Brian

 

[redleghunter]

I am sort of hoping someone will say something that will make me come to my senses and let go and just trust God.

Good evening from Texas.

The very first step you took was to confess your heart to lovers of Jesus Christ. May I suggest you have the same conversation with God?

We see God reach out to us when He says:

Isaiah 1:18 King James Version (KJV)
18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.(KJV)

Also from what I quoted from you above is your best advice IMO. Let go and let Him in. God is Almighty and loves us. If we come to Him with a contrite repentant heart He will not disappoint.

I know there are many things that happen in our lives where we in our hearts question God's will.

I repented and came to Christ and while on fire for the Lord just 6 months later received news my 10 year old son had leukemia.

It was a very trying time for our family. People can go in a few directions when they are faced with such a trial. They can find immediate and short lasting solace in alcohol or worse. They can flat out blame God for the diseases of this fallen world. Or they can grasp and hug the cross of Christ getting splinters on their hands remembering Jesus took the nails for us already.

I can share more of how God tests our faith. How as a Loving Father He knows the pain and anguish of seeing a son suffer as I did.

May Almighty God call you to His Grace and Peace through our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have pinged below @Tallguy88 who will move this thread if necessary.

God Bless.

 

[Andrew Parson]

First, let me assure you of three things. One, you are perfectly normal, and quite honest and frank in your post, which is likely an indication of just how desperate you feel. That's actually a very good thing.

Two, part of what's driving you mad is your trying to rid yourself of sin. You only need to repent and believe (in the gospel). Trying to clean yourself up is a fools errand, but God is letting you try, because He loves you. When you wear yourself out, you will begin to understand that Christianity is: Jesus lived the life you should have lived and died the death you should have died, on your behalf.

Three, stick with the doctrines of grace. That's the only cure for your "illness".

Read the story of Martin Luther some time soon. He hated God, and I suspect, for the very same reason you do.

May the Lord bring you peace,

Brian

First of all thanks for all the reply's I have been confessing this to the Lord and will continue to pray for His help. I have read Martin Luther's testimony and I am sure that I hate God for similar reasons. I know I'm guilty and I think I question God inwardly because I don't want to deserve hell, sort of a defense mechanism to try to avoid it. The other reason I get frustrated is because God demands everything from us and I don't see how anyone would want to give up all, it makes religion seem like a drag. Something you don't want to do really, but you have to do to appease God's anger.

I have been stuck in this cycle of trying to repent and believe and then not achieving it, I work really hard (praying and reading my bible a lot, fasting) because I am afraid I haven't just let go and trusted God.

In one sense I want to just cast myself on Jesus but I am also very afraid to. Entrusting myself entirely to Jesus just seems scary and my heart basically says He is going to take all my fun away. I know the bible says that being a Christian gives you joy, not depression, but like I mentioned in my first post my heart just doesn't buy in wholeheartedly, instead it is suspicious of God. Inwardly I don't want to give up my pride and give up living for myself. These are the things that make me comfortable in life. Living for myself gets me whatever I want (and I can still use God's word as a guide to keep from sin that destroys my life). My pride keeps my self worth in tact, without it I would have to face the fact that I am kind of a terrible person (not wanting to fully commit to God, and instead wanting to live for myself is pretty disgusting when you think about it, totally selfish).

Maybe I am not understanding faith but from my understanding it is a full commitment of the heart of all that I have and all that I am to Jesus. Is that a right understanding?

 

[Hieronymus]

I hate God too sometimes.
Probably out of frustration, because He seems more distant than my human father was, and also because He seems to condone the horrors of human behaviour and that of the adversary.

I'm not a happy person, and i tend to blame God.
Why?
Because it's his creation, and He claims responsibility.

 

[civilwarbuff]

Hello, sorry this is probably in the wrong area. I wasn't sure where to post this, please feel free to move it or let me know and I can post in the right area.

I first was introduced to Christianity in a very charismatic college ministry that I now believe taught a lot of error.
When I graduated I got involved in habitual sin pretty bad and had a strange experience where I came to the point where I didn't want to repent and deeply questioned God's goodness and whether or not His laws were fair. This so deeply affected me that I began to wonder if God could lie, taking this to it's conclusion I didn't know if I could believe that reality was real since I couldn't know if God were being honest with me. I know that sounds crazy but I mention it just to show how deeply I questioned God's character. I realized that is a crazy idea so I was able to sort of pull back and re-calibrate my life. I knew I needed to get back in the word and in prayer and cut off my sin. It took a long time to get any amount of victory but eventually I was able to grit my teeth and get rid of the sin for the most part.

I then came to the doctrines of grace (not important if you don't believe in them), and they showed me what biblical Christianity looked like. This was something I hadn't seen before in my Pentecostal circles where my faith was all about me and making me happy basically.

Since then I have gained a lot of knowledge but I'm not sure I am genuinely born again because I haven't been able to get rid of the questions about God deeply. I want to become a full fledged Christian or come back to right fellowship (whatever language you want to use). I am trying to repent and believe but I keep feeling the pull of the world and my flesh wanting to do whatever I want and make my own rules. And I haven't been able to let go and trust God fully, I am pretty sure this all stems from a lack of trust in God and His character.

I deep down think that I hate God. I know I have no reason to hate Him, I know He is good but my heart doesn't seem convinced. I have been stuck in this stage for months now and I am afraid that I am either going to fall away by just acting out against God or just drift away and give up hope. I attend a church regularly, have talked to my pastor and other Godly men but it is like deep down my heart is bent on a war with God and I can't make it stop. I have been praying for help and reading the bible with a focus on the Gospels (I thought getting a better look at Jesus might help). I know it is my responsibility to repent and I know it is my fault that I am struggling with this (unbelief and love of the world are on me, not God). I can't seem to find Godly sorrow because I can't seem to stop waring against God in my heart (can't feel sorry deeply for sinning against someone you don't like).

I don't really know what I am looking for, I am sort of hoping someone will say something that will make me come to my senses and let go and just trust God. Any advice would be appreciated

There is a chaplains area on CF located here: http://www.christianforums.com/forums/chaplains-office.1223/. The chaplains have some experience at helping people work the same kind of thing you are going through. It may help to contact them and see what they can do to assist you. God be you.

 

[Andrew Parson]

After some thinking about it I think there are 2 things standing between me and God.

Bitterness and hatred because of frustrations in my life. When I found out I was deceived in my college group I felt so let down by God because I thought it was all the truth. When I got out of college I was still in pentacostal circles and was struggling with my faith (because it was all wrong in retrospect) and I couldn't find anyone to take me under their wing and disciple me. That started the bitterness and it has grown a lot since then. Now the realization that I'm not penitent makes me more bitter, basically I keep thinking why did God let me fall into error and sin? Why did God make me like this so that I hate Him? This puts me in a lot of danger (hell), why would He allow this to happen to me?

The other thing is pride. I keep trying to save myself and truly admitting you need help, not like help but like total help. Like I am completely helpless like a quadriplegic spiritually and need someone to totally take care of me is hard enough to admit. My heart doesn't embrace the sinfulness of my sins, it doesn't want them to be so bad. Then coupled with my bitterness it makes it so hard to truly confess sin or ask for grace. To be honest I just don't want to do it (give up my pride and give all to Jesus), I would rather just pretend everything is ok, but I know if I do that there are huge consequences at the end.

 

[civilwarbuff]

After some thinking about it I think there are 2 things standing between me and God.

Bitterness and hatred because of frustrations in my life. When I found out I was deceived in my college group I felt so let down by God because I thought it was all the truth. When I got out of college I was still in pentacostal circles and was struggling with my faith (because it was all wrong in retrospect) and I couldn't find anyone to take me under their wing and disciple me. That started the bitterness and it has grown a lot since then. Now the realization that I'm not penitent makes me more bitter, basically I keep thinking why did God let me fall into error and sin? Why did God make me like this so that I hate Him? This puts me in a lot of danger (hell), why would He allow this to happen to me?

The other thing is pride. I keep trying to save myself and truly admitting you need help, not like help but like total help. Like I am completely helpless like a quadriplegic spiritually and need someone to totally take care of me is hard enough to admit. My heart doesn't embrace the sinfulness of my sins, it doesn't want them to be so bad. Then coupled with my bitterness it makes it so hard to truly confess sin or ask for grace. To be honest I just don't want to do it (give up my pride and give all to Jesus), I would rather just pretend everything is ok, but I know if I do that there are huge consequences at the end.

Paul tells us we must all work out our salvation with fear and trembling. You can't save yourself, and no other person can save you either. Only Messiah can do that. Since you claim Baptist I will assume you are already baptized. From what you say I also will assume you are missing the true repentance and asking forgiveness part. The true repentance part is what most people struggle with, including your self from what you write. A short article on repentance: http://www.theopedia.com/repentance. After repentance the forgiveness part is east; you have already been forgiven, you just have to ask for it. There is more, but this is enough for now.

 

[Andrew Parson]

After reading that link I definitely don't think I have Godly sorrow. This is probably a stupid question but is there a way to get Godly sorrow?

 

[RaphaCam]

After reading that link I definitely don't think I have Godly sorrow. This is probably a stupid question but is there a way to get Godly sorrow?

[/QUOTE]

Do you mean the mercy of the Lord?

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello, and welcome to CF. I pray that you are blessed to be here.

I'm going to go out on a limb just a little bit here, because I can identify with some of what you describe with points in my past. I'm glad to hear that you have learned, and it has taken you to something deeper than the "all about me" theology of the denomination you were in previously. I've done a lot of searching myself, over many years, as I found deficiencies in what I was being taught, or I saw it put into practice producing something other than what I thought authentic Christianity should look like. And like it or not, each great new understanding of truth left me feeling at the very least resentful of what felt like deception up to that point.

My best suggestion is to take your time. I think you're doing a good thing - a very good thing - by digging deeper. I would say, keep digging. Learn what the early Church taught and how they interpreted the Scriptures and how they practiced and how it affected their lives. This will take time. It will very likely lead to more questions.

One thing I have learned to tell myself is that I recognize that those people who taught me various things - they all loved God. They all were doing the best they understood how to pursue Him. They did not intentionally deceive us. And no, God absolutely does not deceive us, by the way. But there is a great deal of confusion spread throughout Christianity today. People with the very best intentions, who love God, but who are wrongly informed on this or that, pass on what they think is the way of Truth. So after some time, I finally began to be able to forgive them and appreciate that they were all doing the best they knew how to do to pass on the faith.

I suspect those people who misled you were probably the same. But I understand that you are blaming God, rather than them. But you know .... whatever you learned from that experience, can be for your good. Whether it was a good thing (from Pentecostals - I was one - I learned such things as transparency with God and sincere love for others) or whether it was a bad thing (I also learned to measure my "faith" by my own emotional response) ... in the end, all those things come together to build something good and useful into you, or else make you realize what to avoid. God can use it all. So we don't have to be upset with God that we got something wrong. He knew after all that you would realize what was wrong, and leave there, and go on to learn more and come closer to Him. All things in God's time. We don't need to worry or be upset that He made a mistake - He doesn't.

But we also don't need to fight against Him, it is true. That IS something you will need to overcome. I wish I could offer a concise writing to tell you what you want to learn about that, but I have not found one. I know something of the subject (a little), having read it from among various writers, but not to the point that I could teach it to anyone else, or even tell you the best place to read. It has taken me time. The lives of those Christians who have gone before, the martyrs, and others, are helpful. It's something I'm piecing together - those like St. Seraphim of Sarov, Elder Porphyrios, St. Paisos, and many others. Actually, St. Nektarios the Wonderworker comes to mind most of all.

Well, I've said probably more than I should all at once. And this is an Intro forum, but I see you've already asked it to be moved and a mod has been notified, so I gave myself "permission" to answer. I hope the mods will forgive me. But I do want to welcome you to CF.

Take heart, you are going in the right direction. God be with you!

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Welcome to CF I hope you`ll enjoy your stay at this wonderful Site